This holiday weekend was a special time for me… No, I did not spend it with my kids or family or friends. I spent it alone… in retreat… reconnecting. I have called it a Self Retreat when talking to my friends but that really doesn’t convey what this weekend has been all about… it has been about slowing down and reconnecting within.
In life, so many times I find myself caught up in what the world expects of me… maybe you have too. I am referring to that driving feeling that I must make sure everyone else is happy and content before I am “allowed” to consider my own needs. (Anything less would be considered selfish.) For me, these needs show up in many ways – through conversations, phone calls, email, texts, social media… and the list goes on and on…
There is nothing wrong with any of these things, and in all honesty, I believe that my true purpose is one of service to others. I am definitely relationally driven. I am passionate about helping, supporting and serving those around me. It brings me joy… until…
Until I allow it to get out of control… The more I leave my true self behind, the more overwhelmed I become.
When I start letting my own basic need of living a healthy life – physically, spiritually and emotionally – take a back seat to EVERYONE and EVERYTHING then I find myself in trouble. I find myself becoming tired, run down, unfocused and resentful.
For many women, this is especially true since we are raised to be the care-takers, the nurturers and the givers… it seems to be somewhere in our nature to take care of everyone else first, which rarely leaves any time for ourselves. Yet, we are not victims to anyone but ourselves… After all, we are the ones that let it get out of hand.
Have you flown on a commercial airline lately? Do you recall the instructions in the pre-flight safety speech? If the oxygen masks fall, put yours on first. Then, assist anyone around you, such as children. Why do they say this? Well, if we do not put our mask on first, (before we pass out) there is a very good chance, we will not get anyone’s mask on at all. It may feel selfish to take care of ourselves first, but a lot of people could end up paying a high price if we do not.
It is the same in life. When we neglect ourselves – physically, spiritually and emotionally – we are not the only ones to pay for it. The people around us will also pay part of that price. Why? Because if we do not take care of ourselves (in these three areas), eventually we have nothing left to give to anyone.
Hence, my Re-connection Retreat this weekend… Throughout year 2 of this grief journey, I did this about every other month. However, this 3rd year, I haven’t done it at all… not one time… and I have felt it. I have noticed myself at odds with my own emotions. I have been busy doing… but not living. Rarely, have I been busy doing the things that bring me joy. Instead, I have been busy doing what I perceive as the expectations of the world around me.
So what am I doing to turn that back around? Well the first step is to reset some boundaries… boundaries on my time. When I fail to claim some time for myself, others unknowingly jump in and “use” that time for me. My initial reaction is resentment, but that isn’t fair. It is my responsibility to claim my time and hold on to it. I know that I need time for my daily workout (physical), time for my meditation and journaling (spiritual) and finally, some time to be creative (emotional). Without these each day (even if it is only a very small portion of time), I begin to feel lost. I begin to feel disconnected from God and from myself…
That “disconnect” is how I know it is not greed or ego that drives me to do this… it is a Sacred Selfishness (as my coach likes to call it). I know that if I can make my own well-being a priority, I am in a much better place (physically, spiritually and emotionally) to serve and support others.
So how does a person do this? Well, here is how I do it…
Let’s start with this weekend’s retreat, because it is this retreat that creates the “shift” in our thought process. Then we will look at how to take what we learn and experience on retreat and apply it to our daily lives.
Before the weekend:
* To avoid creating any unnecessary alarm or concern, I tell everyone who needs to know that I will not be available throughout the weekend. This usually means texting, sending emails and making an “announcement” on social media, such as Face Book. I don’t go into great detail. I just let everyone know that I am going to “unplug” for a few days.
* Next, I think about what is missing or what I want to do to reconnect. This weekend my plan included a lot of meditation, painting (as in art), writing and running/walking on the beach. (Notice my need for all three components this weekend – spiritual, emotional and physical – sometimes it may be only one or two.) I don’t set a schedule or worry about how much time I spend on each… I just make a list of ideas of things I would like to do and know that I will run a steady cycle of each component throughout the weekend.
* I shop for all the food for the weekend. I recommend healthy food – not junk food. (If you aren’t too sure what is healthy – think about shopping the perimeter of the grocery store – not the aisles.) If you already eat “clean” this isn’t a diet change. However, if you normally eat whatever is fast and easy, this part may take a bit of planning. You don’t want to feel deprived… you want to enjoy the food and feel satisfied. Why do I recommend this? What you eat has a direct correlation on how you feel – eating healthy will have a huge impact on all areas of your life (physical, spiritual and emotional).
* Finally, I take care of any errands or chores that must be done and would usually fall on the weekend. In this way, I guarantee myself that I won’t waste time or energy worrying about them all weekend.
Retreat Time:
* First things first – Unplug… in other words, turn off the world… email, Face Book, the phone, the TV… all of it. Silence the world for a while. It is harder than you might think, but it is worth it… The benefits of leaving the world behind for a few days will be tremendous. These items eat up so much of our time and energy… and generally speaking, not in a positive way.
If this idea feels impossible, keep in mind, humankind has lived thousands of years without these “advancements.” Therefore, we really can last a few days without them, as well. Besides, trust me when I tell you that the world will still be there waiting when your retreat time is over.
* Your physical environment is up to you. I am a very sensual person so the more senses I can “touch” the better. I light candles to create both a visual and aromatic sensation of peace. I either turn on the Soundscapes channel or use a meditation CD (calm music – no words)… This fulfills my auditory sensation of calm.
* Once these things are complete, I recommend starting with a meditation to relieve stress. This is a great way to tune into your body, slow down and set the pace for the rest of the weekend. If you aren’t sure how to meditate, Hay House Radio has several of guided meditations on Face Book. (Yes – that is a cheat, I guess, but their stuff is truly helpful.) There are some wonderful apps and YouTube videos for meditation, as well.
* After that, I go with my heart and “cycle” through each type of activity. For example:
Friday evening, I started with a meditation – something spiritual. First thing Saturday morning, I went for a sunrise run on the beach. This started off being my physical activity, but the beauty of the morning made it spiritual as well. How could I not find myself talking to my God when the beauty of this world he created for us was all around me? It was absolutely the most beautiful sunrise ever!… And God and I were right there in the middle of it.
Afterwards, I came home, ate a healthy breakfast and spent some time in my garden. (For me this is both physical and creative because it is what I love to do.) Then a shower and a healthy snack before I started the cycle again with another meditation time. This time I watched Wayne Dyer’s movie, The Shift, (which was free this week). It was amazing! So much of what he said hit home with me… I know I will watch it several more times throughout this weekend.
And now I am writing – the creative piece again… Get the picture? This Re-connection Retreat weekend is a time to become healthier physically, grow spiritually and express my emotions creatively. It is a chance to get back in touch with who I am and who I was meant to be. (It is so easy to lose sight of that in the day to day business of life.)
So what will I do when this weekend is over? That is a good question – hopefully, I am up for the challenge. I have learned several “life lessons” this weekend that I want to take into my daily life… I won’t waste time “preaching” here because the lessons I learned this weekend were meant for me and for this time. However, these lessons created “shifts” in my attitude and lifestyle that I want to take forward. I will, however, share my general intentions going forward… and hopefully, those around me (who love me) will support me and hold me accountable to these.
I am listing my intentions as “I will’s” because as Yoda would say, “Do, or do not. There is no try.” : )
* I will start each morning in gratitude… Thanking my God for another day, even if it is just two simple words, “Thank you.”
* I will use solitude and meditation to re-orient myself each day. I will set aside a specific time which will require some boundaries in how “available” I am. I will remind myself that this is okay… I know this time helps me to be a better “me” when I am available.
* I know my strengths, and I know how I respond to stress. I will use this knowledge to stay in tune with what is driving my actions… If I find myself doing things in order to “hustle” for my worthiness or to gain the acceptance or approval of others, then I know I off-base. I will know I am acting on my real purpose when I have a sense of inner peace and joy.
* I will continue this practice of retreat and not let it fall by the wayside again. It is a vital element to ensure that I am living a joyful, inspired life… not a tired, ego-driven life.
* I will remember that I do not need to be in control… I will let go and let God.
Hopefully, you realize that this week’s blog is not just for people who are grieving. (Although I must say, it makes a world of difference in my own journey when I stay connected and remember to live my life according to my authentic and true purpose.) When we unplug and reconnect with ourselves, the time spent in retreat can change our lives.
This time reminds us that we are each divine creatures of God – worthy and valuable… We don’t need to look to anyone else to confirm that.
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