Tag: purpose

Peace, Love and Grief… Miracles and Purpose

Why did it turn out this way?
Did I do something wrong?
Does God hate me?
Am I really so bad?
I don’t want much…
Just you!
Why is that the one thing I can’t have?
~ Linda, January 2018

This week I watched the movie, Miracles from Heaven. It is the beautiful story of faith, miracles, family love, and near-death experiences. (I definitely recommend it, but be warned, it will tug at your heartstrings.) In the movie, there is a scene where the little girl has fallen and is unresponsive. However, the rescue workers cannot reach her. After several hours, the mother is watching in horror as the people around her start to discuss the likelihood that the child is already dead. The camera zooms-in on her face as the background noise becomes muffled and the world around her seems to fade into the background, as she focuses everything on the spot where her daughter has fallen. She slowly moves closer and closer to the rescue crew, unable to believe this is how it is going to end.

At that point, I lost it… Suddenly, I was taken back to that moment when the EMS crew was working on Bruce.

I had already been doing CPR until they arrived. At that point, they moved him to the floor just inside our bedroom and began working on him. I stood about ten feet away watching in horror. Just like the mother in the movie, everything became surreal… I watched in disbelief as the EMS crew tried everything available to get Bruce’s heart to start beating again… Like the movie, I was unable to believe this was how it was going to end… This couldn’t be happening… This couldn’t be real… I wasn’t ready for this!

In the movie, the girl is rescued alive… I don’t want to spoil the whole movie, but believe me when I say, her family got several miracles that day. And while I know it was selfish on my part, all I could think was how blessed they were, and how my family wasn’t given a miracle… Bruce’s eyes never opened; his heart never restarted, and he never took another breath. For us, it really was over… and I was devastated.

For years after Bruce died, that is where I stayed… That is where I struggled. I couldn’t understand why Bruce had to die, and why we weren’t given the miracles I had heard about all my life. Just like the mother in the movie, I even had people tell me it was my own sin or “wrong faith” which prevented any miracles and caused Bruce’s death.

But this week, I moved past those thoughts…

Right after watching the movie, as I was settling in for the night, my devotions were about our purpose and destiny in life. According to Victor Frankl, “Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life… a concrete assignment that demands fulfillment. Therein, he cannot be replaced… everyone’s task is as unique as his specific opportunity.” The author then added, “God created you for a specific purpose. Your responsibility (and joy) is to identify it.”

That’s when I realized Bruce was my miracle… and still is… He had a purpose which he fulfilled while he was here… And he still has a purpose,which carries on even today.

Let me explain, what I mean…

While he was here, he showed me what unconditional love really is… He lived it every moment of our time together. He showed my children what a true man and a healthy marriage look like. And the healing he brought to my little family was nothing short of a miracle.

Move forward to today… There are so many things I am still learning from him, as I constantly contemplate how he chose to live his life. He showed me how to have patience and acceptance for others without ever compromising my own values. He also showed me this world doesn’t have to be a “them or us” place… There is room for all us with all of our different cultures, opinions and life styles. One of the main pieces of his legacy which I have drawn from lately is learning to have the strength and resilience to flow with whatever life throws my way (like this cancer journey of the past few months).

So that is our miracle…

The fact that his purpose is still alive and well, and his legacy is still being lived out daily… And as long his legacy is still being lived by those of us who love him, there will always be a piece of Bruce is this world.

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? Did you ever experience that feeling of disbelief that your time together was over? How did you reconcile reality with what you thought would last forever? Maybe you learned a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… More than words

My theme for 2016 has been “Growing in love, spirit and purpose,” and this week has been a reminder of that… A week of deciding if I mean what I say or if those are just words.

All week I have had several things going on… (Who hasn’t?) The biggest one was watching my grandson struggle with a challenge while I felt helpless as one of the adults in his life to help. So many things in his life have changed this year and all of it is completely out of his control… It is all happening to him and he has had no choice in any of it. As a consequence, he has gone through all the same emotions I have experienced as he grieves for what was. (Sound familiar?)

This week, he was facing a two hour plane ride to spend the holiday week away from his Mom… All of this for the first time. As the trip approached, the tears and anger increased. We spent many evenings with him in my lap as I rocked him and simply listened. As the week continued and the emotions increased, we realized that getting him onto that plane was going to be a challenge… So his mother and I made a small (albeit significant change)… We changed our focus with the hope that he might follow our lead.

Every time the tears or anger started, we still held him tight. We still listened. However, at other times, when emotions were calmer, we would talk about the good things… We changed our focus to the positives – the people he would see and the fun things he would do during his week away or the excitement of a plane trip without a grownup to monitor the Cola intake.

Before heading out to the airport, we held hands and prayed over this brave little Bubba… And by the time, he needed to walk onto that plane alone, while he was still scared, he wasn’t crying. We gave each other big hugs and watched as he bravely walked down the gangway… alone.

I wish we had recorded the call that came just a few short hours later… He had done it! He was so excited and so proud of himself. At that point, it dawned on me that we had done for him, exactly what I talk about here all the time…

We didn’t stop my grandson from being sad or scared… Those are valid emotions that need to be recognized and acknowledged. However, when we let that be the focus, he seemed to spiral further and further down. (The exact same thing that happens to me when I let myself get too focused on my grief.) Instead, we offered him another choice… the choice to also look at the positive things… and it worked.

“They” say that God gives us lessons to learn in life, and if we fail to learn them the first time, they will continue to pop up in our life. For me, this idea of controlling my focus… of choosing my attitude has been a perpetual lesson over the last few years. Finding the balance between acknowledging my emotions without letting them take over my whole attitude has been a constant challenge. I’m not sure, but maybe watching someone else struggle with the same thing and being able to help him, was another way of learning the same lesson again.

But that wasn’t the end…

My other challenge this week was the actions of others versus my own expectations of them. Several times this week, I reached out to the people around me thinking I could count on them only to find I was wrong. Each time I reached out and made myself vulnerable to someone else the other person tossed it back in my face… Each time I was hurt… Each time I cried… not sure why they responded the way they had.

That was my second lesson this week… The one that makes me come to terms with why I do the things I do. My first response this week was “never again.” However, it didn’t take long for me to realize that when I do whatever I do, it needs to be because I believe it is right… not because of any preconceived response. Whether I get the response I want or not, I need to do what I believe is right… Perhaps that is my other lesson.

I’m not sure why these have been my lessons or why. What I do know is that I need to do what I believe is right… This is my mantra – to “Grow in spirit, love and purpose”… To serve others in whatever way I can…

To use the divine energy within myself to become a divine reality for someone else by simply being the love and acceptance I am seeking from the world around me…

To make my mantra more than mere words… to live what I say I believe… to make it my way of life.

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with reaching out to others in their pain? How did you manage that? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Life with a purpose

Hey Beautiful,
… I’ve spent 10 years living day by day just knowing you were out there somewhere and knowing that somewhere, somehow we would meet. I tried not to think about it. I was just trying to be a good dad and give <my daughter> what she needed. I really believe God has a plan and I was just going to have faith and let it happen. Now it’s happened and I thank God and can’t wait to see you again. You’ve given me a fresh outlook on life and I have a purpose again. Thank you!

I love you so much!
Bruce, March, 2005

Life with a purpose… isn’t that what we are all looking for in some way? I remember when Bruce wrote this letter to me. He said I gave him a purpose, but I can tell you without a doubt, he gave my life purpose, as well. When he died, I was so confused… so lost. I couldn’t understand why I was still here, and he was gone. The first year without him, I felt as if I no longer had a purpose. Surviving day to day seemed to be the only purpose I could find… at first.

As that first year drew to a close, I began to realize that I was still here for a reason. It was going to be up to me to figure out that reason and find a new focus. That next year, I focused on my own healing – emotionally and spiritually. Don’t get me wrong, I think this is one of those “on-going, for-the-rest-of-your-life” kind of things. But what I did learn that year was our purpose is always evolving. We should not expect it to remain the same year to year or possibly even day to day.

Our purpose is “for a season” – a season of life… and then, it evolves into something else… something new and different. Sometimes that change may be so subtle, we can’t even pinpoint when it actually changed. Then, there are other times (like Bruce’s death), when the change is so sudden and severe, it leaves us reeling and struggling to breathe.

The following year, I felt drawn to start this blog. My purpose was (and is) to tell the true story of dealing with loss. I wanted to tell the whole story – the good and the bad, the celebrations and the struggles, the highs and the lows… I wanted to write about the realities of being the one left behind after a loss.

Why?

Partly because I can write what I can’t say. When Bruce passed away, I had a very quick “reality check.” I learned that we (as a society) have let Hollywood dictate our opinions about loss and grief – how is to be experienced and what we should say to one another for comfort. Then, (according to Hollywood) we are all supposed to forget it, move on and “live happily ever after.”

But that is a myth; it isn’t the reality. I guess I felt my purpose has been to point that out… to let others dealing with loss know they aren’t alone. When I started, I decided that even if it only helped one person, that would make it worthwhile in my book. While I know it has made some people uncomfortable, according to the messages I receive, it has made many more people feel validated in their own experiences… so this blog is a worthwhile purpose “for this season.”

However, while I write honestly about my feelings and experiences here, I know my grief is “old news” to those closest to me. Therefore in my everyday life, I don’t usually talk about this stuff anymore… If I really need to talk to someone, I will. But generally, I try to ensure it is a rare conversation.

Which brings up another “why?” Because, while I want to help others going through similar experiences, I don’t want my whole life to be focused on the frustrations of loss. I want to live a “normal” life. Plus, I have learned that what I focus on in life will expand… and I don’t need any more sadness or frustration in my life.

For example, I found myself struggling this week as this holiday weekend approached. For me, Easter is more than a religious celebration… It is a family celebration of life. However, I knew that I would be alone, and loneliness is a huge issue for me, as it is with most widows and widowers (even years later). Since I have a hard time expressing that, no one around me knew. So, as I found myself focusing on the “alone” piece, the “pity party” started in my head.

However, about mid-week I made a choice. I decided to change my focus from “alone” and redirect it in a positive way. I couldn’t change the “alone” factor, but I could make my time alone positive and productive. So… I completely “unplugged” this weekend. I started on Friday evening, and have spent the last 2 days enjoying a quiet, spiritual retreat weekend. It has been beautiful… and definitely much better than feeling sorry for myself.

This year, while I am still writing this blog (and will continue until it no longer serves a purpose), I can feel my day-to-day purpose shifting. My current focus seems to be around spiritual growth. For what? I have no idea, but I have definitely been drawn in that direction… And I am willing to follow this path and remain open to new ideas and experiences in my life.

In some ways, I feel I am following Bruce’s lead. His calm, steady, quiet faith was unshakable. I always loved to hear him tell how he knew I was “out there somewhere” and we would meet when it was time.

From the time we met until the night he died, he wore an anchor on a chain around his neck. A simple, silver anchor – the symbol of hope. He used to say that it symbolized his hope and his faith all those years as he waited for us to find each other. He would talk about being lonely for years, but how he never gave up hope or settled for something less than what he knew was right.

Now I wear that that chain with the anchor (and our wedding bands). It is my reminder that life always offers hope… and that is where I need to focus.

ringsandanchor

What about you? Do you ever struggle with why you are still here and your loved one is not? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… A little something for all of us

This holiday weekend was a special time for me… No, I did not spend it with my kids or family or friends. I spent it alone… in retreat… reconnecting. I have called it a Self Retreat when talking to my friends but that really doesn’t convey what this weekend has been all about… it has been about slowing down and reconnecting within.

In life, so many times I find myself caught up in what the world expects of me… maybe you have too. I am referring to that driving feeling that I must make sure everyone else is happy and content before I am “allowed” to consider my own needs. (Anything less would be considered selfish.) For me, these needs show up in many ways – through conversations, phone calls, email, texts, social media… and the list goes on and on…

There is nothing wrong with any of these things, and in all honesty, I believe that my true purpose is one of service to others. I am definitely relationally driven. I am passionate about helping, supporting and serving those around me. It brings me joy… until…

Until I allow it to get out of control… The more I leave my true self behind, the more overwhelmed I become.

When I start letting my own basic need of living a healthy life – physically, spiritually and emotionally – take a back seat to EVERYONE and EVERYTHING then I find myself in trouble. I find myself becoming tired, run down, unfocused and resentful.

For many women, this is especially true since we are raised to be the care-takers, the nurturers and the givers… it seems to be somewhere in our nature to take care of everyone else first, which rarely leaves any time for ourselves. Yet, we are not victims to anyone but ourselves… After all, we are the ones that let it get out of hand.

Have you flown on a commercial airline lately? Do you recall the instructions in the pre-flight safety speech? If the oxygen masks fall, put yours on first. Then, assist anyone around you, such as children. Why do they say this? Well, if we do not put our mask on first, (before we pass out) there is a very good chance, we will not get anyone’s mask on at all. It may feel selfish to take care of ourselves first, but a lot of people could end up paying a high price if we do not.

It is the same in life. When we neglect ourselves – physically, spiritually and emotionally – we are not the only ones to pay for it. The people around us will also pay part of that price. Why? Because if we do not take care of ourselves (in these three areas), eventually we have nothing left to give to anyone.

Hence, my Re-connection Retreat this weekend… Throughout year 2 of this grief journey, I did this about every other month. However, this 3rd year, I haven’t done it at all… not one time… and I have felt it. I have noticed myself at odds with my own emotions. I have been busy doing… but not living. Rarely, have I been busy doing the things that bring me joy. Instead, I have been busy doing what I perceive as the expectations of the world around me.

So what am I doing to turn that back around? Well the first step is to reset some boundaries… boundaries on my time. When I fail to claim some time for myself, others unknowingly jump in and “use” that time for me. My initial reaction is resentment, but that isn’t fair. It is my responsibility to claim my time and hold on to it. I know that I need time for my daily workout (physical), time for my meditation and journaling (spiritual) and finally, some time to be creative (emotional). Without these each day (even if it is only a very small portion of time), I begin to feel lost. I begin to feel disconnected from God and from myself…

That “disconnect” is how I know it is not greed or ego that drives me to do this… it is a Sacred Selfishness (as my coach likes to call it). I know that if I can make my own well-being a priority, I am in a much better place (physically, spiritually and emotionally) to serve and support others.

So how does a person do this? Well, here is how I do it…

Let’s start with this weekend’s retreat, because it is this retreat that creates the “shift” in our thought process. Then we will look at how to take what we learn and experience on retreat and apply it to our daily lives.

Before the weekend:

* To avoid creating any unnecessary alarm or concern, I tell everyone who needs to know that I will not be available throughout the weekend. This usually means texting, sending emails and making an “announcement” on social media, such as Face Book. I don’t go into great detail. I just let everyone know that I am going to “unplug” for a few days.

* Next, I think about what is missing or what I want to do to reconnect. This weekend my plan included a lot of meditation, painting (as in art), writing and running/walking on the beach. (Notice my need for all three components this weekend – spiritual, emotional and physical – sometimes it may be only one or two.) I don’t set a schedule or worry about how much time I spend on each… I just make a list of ideas of things I would like to do and know that I will run a steady cycle of each component throughout the weekend.

* I shop for all the food for the weekend. I recommend healthy food – not junk food. (If you aren’t too sure what is healthy – think about shopping the perimeter of the grocery store – not the aisles.) If you already eat “clean” this isn’t a diet change. However, if you normally eat whatever is fast and easy, this part may take a bit of planning. You don’t want to feel deprived… you want to enjoy the food and feel satisfied. Why do I recommend this? What you eat has a direct correlation on how you feel – eating healthy will have a huge impact on all areas of your life (physical, spiritual and emotional).

* Finally, I take care of any errands or chores that must be done and would usually fall on the weekend. In this way, I guarantee myself that I won’t waste time or energy worrying about them all weekend.

Retreat Time:

* First things first – Unplug… in other words, turn off the world… email, Face Book, the phone, the TV… all of it. Silence the world for a while. It is harder than you might think, but it is worth it… The benefits of leaving the world behind for a few days will be tremendous. These items eat up so much of our time and energy… and generally speaking, not in a positive way.

If this idea feels impossible, keep in mind, humankind has lived thousands of years without these “advancements.” Therefore, we really can last a few days without them, as well. Besides, trust me when I tell you that the world will still be there waiting when your retreat time is over.

* Your physical environment is up to you. I am a very sensual person so the more senses I can “touch” the better. I light candles to create both a visual and aromatic sensation of peace. I either turn on the Soundscapes channel or use a meditation CD (calm music – no words)… This fulfills my auditory sensation of calm.

* Once these things are complete, I recommend starting with a meditation to relieve stress. This is a great way to tune into your body, slow down and set the pace for the rest of the weekend. If you aren’t sure how to meditate, Hay House Radio has several of guided meditations on Face Book. (Yes – that is a cheat, I guess, but their stuff is truly helpful.) There are some wonderful apps and YouTube videos for meditation, as well.

* After that, I go with my heart and “cycle” through each type of activity. For example:

Friday evening, I started with a meditation – something spiritual. First thing Saturday morning, I went for a sunrise run on the beach. This started off being my physical activity, but the beauty of the morning made it spiritual as well. How could I not find myself talking to my God when the beauty of this world he created for us was all around me? It was absolutely the most beautiful sunrise ever!… And God and I were right there in the middle of it.

Afterwards, I came home, ate a healthy breakfast and spent some time in my garden. (For me this is both physical and creative because it is what I love to do.) Then a shower and a healthy snack before I started the cycle again with another meditation time. This time I watched Wayne Dyer’s movie, The Shift, (which was free this week). It was amazing! So much of what he said hit home with me… I know I will watch it several more times throughout this weekend.

And now I am writing – the creative piece again… Get the picture? This Re-connection Retreat weekend is a time to become healthier physically, grow spiritually and express my emotions creatively. It is a chance to get back in touch with who I am and who I was meant to be. (It is so easy to lose sight of that in the day to day business of life.)

So what will I do when this weekend is over? That is a good question – hopefully, I am up for the challenge. I have learned several “life lessons” this weekend that I want to take into my daily life… I won’t waste time “preaching” here because the lessons I learned this weekend were meant for me and for this time. However, these lessons created “shifts” in my attitude and lifestyle that I want to take forward. I will, however, share my general intentions going forward… and hopefully, those around me (who love me) will support me and hold me accountable to these.

I am listing my intentions as “I will’s” because as Yoda would say, “Do, or do not. There is no try.” : )

* I will start each morning in gratitude… Thanking my God for another day, even if it is just two simple words, “Thank you.”

* I will use solitude and meditation to re-orient myself each day. I will set aside a specific time which will require some boundaries in how “available” I am. I will remind myself that this is okay… I know this time helps me to be a better “me” when I am available.

* I know my strengths, and I know how I respond to stress. I will use this knowledge to stay in tune with what is driving my actions… If I find myself doing things in order to “hustle” for my worthiness or to gain the acceptance or approval of others, then I know I off-base. I will know I am acting on my real purpose when I have a sense of inner peace and joy.

* I will continue this practice of retreat and not let it fall by the wayside again. It is a vital element to ensure that I am living a joyful, inspired life… not a tired, ego-driven life.

* I will remember that I do not need to be in control… I will let go and let God.

Hopefully, you realize that this week’s blog is not just for people who are grieving. (Although I must say, it makes a world of difference in my own journey when I stay connected and remember to live my life according to my authentic and true purpose.) When we unplug and reconnect with ourselves, the time spent in retreat can change our lives.

This time reminds us that we are each divine creatures of God – worthy and valuable… We don’t need to look to anyone else to confirm that.

Because this is our community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.