focus – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Grief and What?

Many years ago, I took some time to write about other grief in my life besides the loss of Bruce. I wrote about such things as the loss of my first child, the loss of trust and dreams from my first marriage/divorce, and the huge financial loss in my 40s when I lost everything. I wrote about those things because while we each have our own experiences, grief can be about more than physical loss… And while that grief lands differently in our souls, it is still painful… It is still grief.

This week, though, I realized that the lessons born out of each type of grief can help us manage current griefs, if we pay attention and let it. So, what if we started mixing things together that seem to be at odds with each other, such as grief and healing… or grief and positivity… grief and gratitude… or grief and blessings?

No, I am not writing this from some self-righteous position, and it is not meant as a sermon… I am simply sharing and writing about my “ah-ha” moment this week that has created a positive mental shift for me, (and maybe it will be helpful for at least one other person out there).

So let me back up to that “huge financial loss in my 40s when I lost everything”. I had 4 teenagers at the time – 2 in college and 2 in high school. My divorce from my first husband had been finalized over a year before. I, then, took the money from the divorce and after discussing it with my (then) accountant, invested all of it with a family friend. I had a contract. I had stock certificates. I had guarantees of a certain minimum return.

Although in truth… I had nothing.

It turned out to be a Ponzi scheme and none of it was worth the paper it was printed on. My ex had moved out of state and stopped paying child support after only a few months, as well as refusing to pay his court-ordered portion of debt/bills or sign the necessary papers so we could sell our house (with its $4k/month mortgage) or any other property. All while I was working full time as a parochial schoolteacher with a take-home salary that was less than $1K/month. In other words, I was in deep financial trouble.

Skipping ahead, Bruce supported me through learning how to recover from all of that… And I did… we (Bruce and I) did, actually. I learned a lot of good, positive lessons from this. For example, I no longer carry debt, and I prefer paying cash for everything, including cars. In other words, despite what culture may say, I have found that life is so much better now that I live, not just within my means, but slightly under my means, (just in case).

However, this experience also left me with some pretty deep scars… Trust being the biggest one of all. Now, I am very resistant about anything where someone else might have access to my money, such as auto-drafts. This really hasn’t been much of an issue, and Bruce never questioned me about this. (He just seemed to understand.) We even kept separate bank accounts, and that worked for us.

However, the part that has remained and held me down has been my avoidance of anything to do with abundance or prosperity. I don’t meditate on it. I don’t pray for it. I don’t talk about it. Instead, I have spent the last 20+ years simply choosing to ignore it.

There are a lot of feelings behind all of this, such as “I’m don’t deserve it” or “I didn’t handle it well then, and don’t have confidence that I could handle it now.” This week, though, the Divine/Universe/whatever-term-you-prefer has been challenging those thoughts… In fact, I have felt it screaming at me to tackle this distrust.

It has been in my guided meditations, my devotions, podcasts, and sermons. Loud and clear, I heard the Divine guiding me to figure it out… Why have I been so wary of the idea of “abundance”? and… What can I do to start healing that part of my psyche?

Then, this morning, it dawned on me… I have been writing about the answer right here over the last several weeks. You see, rationally I know that abundance isn’t just about money. (I know that money is only one specific type of abundance.)

Abundance is about the good things all around us, all the time… the love of family and friends… the blue sky after the fog dissipates… a vacant beach after a storm… a glorious sunrise or a magnificent sunset. In other words, it is in the simple blessings of our everyday life – not just the big, in-your-face ones, but also the small ones that don’t really stand out… Maybe especially the small ones that don’t really stand out.

So, for weeks, I have been writing about our focus and being mindful of what we are focused on, even as we grieve… About how I have found this to be the best way for me to not spiral down the rabbit hole when those waves of grief get triggered… And today, I realized that this is also what I need to do in all aspects of my life.

To consistently, look around and see all the things to be grateful for… Things I take for granted… things that inspire me to say “wow, that’s wonderful” … Things to notice and acknowledge even in their “ordinary life” kind of way, such as a smile from a stranger or a small flower growing up through a crack in the sidewalk.

I can’t help but feel that my grief for Bruce is what has led me here and this is what I have learned…

I am abundant. I have more blessings than I can count around me every moment.

I am abundant. Even when the situation is hard or hurtful, the lesson found within it (or on the other side) is actually working for me.

I am abundant. I love and I am loved.

I am abundant… I have learned to focus on the blessings surrounding my time with and love for Bruce, which has allowed me to focus on all the other blessings around me… to place trust over fear – trust in the Divine to provide vs fear that lack is all I deserve…

And best of all, I know now that the more I look for that abundance, the more abundance I see.

“… our human tendency may be to withdraw, to feel disheartened or defeated. Yet, if we turn inward and listen in the silence of our hearts, a greater truth begins to emerge: we are never alone. Spirit is always present, inviting us to see with new eyes.” ~ Rev. Elizabeth Longo, Release and Reimagine: Lent 2026, Seeing Things Differently
_____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message. *

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Moving Forward

Last week I wrote about focus. I wrote about how being more aware (mindful) of what I am focused on throughout the day has made a huge difference for me on this path I am on. Then, this week, a couple of questions popped up in something I was reading…

• What does moving forward mean to you in the context of your grief?
• What small steps can you take right now?

This felt like an extension of what I was talking about last week, but it also prompted me to look a little bit closer look at how I work on my focus throughout the day and week. I don’t know about you, but when someone suggests that I try something I have never tried before (or never been successful at if I did try), I need some ideas on the how-to part of the advice… And as a list person, step-by-step directions for implementation are a must.

That being said, I have a few things that I do, but for today, I thought I would share two of those ideas – not so many to be overwhelming but at least there are options… And hopefully, one of these will be beneficial for someone else, as well.

Before I go into any detail, let me be clear that these are small actions… very small actions, and they may feel more like baby steps rather than anything monumental. At the same time, keep in mind that even baby steps are forward motion, and the goal is to get unstuck and continue healing and moving forward.

The pace at which this happens is as individual as each of us and each loss we experience. So… be patient with yourself and the process. There is no rushing through it; it is a moment by moment, step by step experience.

So… here are two ways I like to start my day (or week) depending on where I am emotionally. Each of these allow me to take control and anchor myself vs letting my emotions take complete control.

Idea 1
1. Stand in your main living space with one hand on your chest (to feel your heartbeat) and one hand on your belly (to feel your breath).

2. Take three deep breaths. This allows you to slow your heartbeat and breath rate (which helps to lower your cortisol – the anxiety, fight-or-flight hormone), while also allowing you to connect to those natural rhythms within.

3. Name three things that are stable in your life right now – this moment. Don’t think about next week or next year – only this exact moment. Also, they don’t need to be perfect – only stable. (This could include relationships as well as material items… In other words, anything that is stable right now.)

4. Say: “This is enough to carry me through today/this week.”

* Repeat this throughout the day/week as needed. By focusing on the stable things in your life, you will reinforce resilience rather than denying any difficulty.

Idea 2
1. Take three deep breaths. (Same reasons as above)

2. Ask yourself (and answer):
a. How do I want to feel today?
b. What’s one thing that would make me proud tonight?
c. What can I release from my to-do list?

* This is about being mindful with our self-care while allowing us to enter the day with clarity and softness.

As I said, these are small actions with the potential for great change. They provide a way of moving forward (even if the steps are small). They work in a way that is positive and builds up our resilience. Finally, neither of these are about denying our pain… They are simply about shifting our focus to help create a more hope-filled experience.
_____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Grief Survival

As I have said several times before, I am a “list person”. I love a to-do list. I love the feeling of accomplishment as I complete an item and check it off the list. Embarrassing as it is, if I didn’t put an item on the list, but still completed it, I will add it just so I can check it off. (I’m not sure what that says about me, but I’m sure it’s something “not quite right.” LOL!)

So… when Bruce died, you know what I did, right? I went on an internet search for a list of things to do to heal the pain… to get past the grief… to feel whole again. Let me say right now, there is no such list. (And if you find one, I will bet it is completely misleading.)

So why is my title “Grief Survival”? I will say that it is not because I have discovered a list – I have not. However, it is because there are small things we can recognize in our thinking, and once we start changing those, we can start to see a path forward.

Let’s start by looking at the pain of grief. Whether your loss happened slowly over time and you knew it was coming at some point or whether your loss was sudden and unexpected, the pain is real. The pain is intense. The pain is often overwhelming and paralyzing.

However, it isn’t pain that creates our suffering. (I know how crazy that sounds… just stick with me for a little bit more.) So, as I was saying…

Pain doesn’t create our suffering. It is the story we tell ourselves about that pain which creates our suffering. For example, when Bruce died, all I could see in my future were years upon years of days and days without Bruce. It never seemed to lift for even a moment. I found myself completely unable to see past the pain… All I could see were all those years stretched out before me alone… abandoned… without Bruce.

This made my pain feel never-ending, and I started telling myself (and believing) that my grief was permanent. It was (and would always be) a part of my life… a permanent part of me and who I am as a person. Nothing could change it. My future was set.

Some people refer to this as “freezing your horizon”. I love this phrase. For me, paints a very clear image of what this story I was telling myself was doing to my mindset and my future.

Then, (God love the man), I started exploring who Bruce was – deep down beyond the man that I knew. He was such a spiritual person, and soon I found myself reading the books he read and listening to the speakers he enjoyed. These were all things he had offered to me during our time together, but back then, I wasn’t ready to hear… At that time, life was good and I thought I already had all the answers… I was wrong.

It was taken years… Years of baby steps – but still many years of (slowly) moving forward. And what I have learned (so far) is this…

For way too long, my focus was on all the wrong things. I was focused on what was, what is no longer, what is missing… what is frozen and stuck. I couldn’t see a way forward, because I was still telling myself that there was no way forward… In front of me was only more of the same – pain and loneliness.

Then, a few years ago, things started to change… I started changing my focus. Instead of focusing on what is stuck, I started looking at what is changing – day by day, moment by moment. Sometimes big changes (like my career), and sometimes small changes like learning to laugh again without the guilt of Bruce not being here to laugh with me.

It sounds odd, I know, but I started looking at pain as my teacher – not my future. I started looking for the things I was learning and doing simply because I am still here… because I am searching for answers. I was looking for the good despite the bad… I was looking at the lessons that the pain was reflecting back to me.

When I did that, I also learned that whether I denied the pain or wallowed in it was the same basic action. It was me trying to control it by either shoving it down deep and ignoring it or by pulling it up front and making it the only choice on the menu. However, when I tried to control that pain, I only create more suffering for the simple reason that it became my only focus.

I couldn’t see any other options, because I only allowed myself to see this one… the pain. Over time, it became a habit. Yet, like any habit it could be undone – although it is hard and takes quite a bit of work.

Today, I want to share one of the things that seems to work, (at least for me). This is something very subtle, but the impact is huge. It has involved making a very tiny change to the story I tell myself…

Instead of telling myself, “I am grieving” or “I am broken”, which I did a lot, now, I tell myself that “Grief (or brokenness) is moving through me.” In other words, it isn’t a part of me. It isn’t permanent. It is just present in this current moment. I can recognize it, but I don’t need to embrace it.

This simple change takes the power away from the emotion by no longer declaring it as a permanent part of who I am. It then becomes easier to focus on the other things around me… the good things… the things that create peace in my mind and joy in my heart… I have even found that this is how I am handling all of the pain and chaos that seems to be permeating our culture lately… So, for me, this is how I am learning to survive – not just my grief, but also this wild ride called “life”.
_____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Where We Focus

Last week, I talked about how the ‘missing’ part of grief seems to remain. I stated that I wondered if it ever goes away, because I know I still feel it… Granted, it isn’t the debilitating, overwhelming emotion that it was in the beginning. Still, it is there… and it is just as real as ever.

So, as I journaled this week, I found myself pondering that very notion… Does the sadness – the missing ever stop? I don’t think so. I do, however, think it gets manageable, (for lack of a better word).

I think part of my quandary stems from something that I heard so often in the beginning… “It will get better with time.” While there is a certain amount of truth to that, it really doesn’t help as much as people may think. (At least, not for me.)

Here’s the thing… We live in a world of instant _____. Fill in the blank with pretty much anything. Let’s be real – we don’t really have to wait for very much these days. Almost everything can be attained instantly.

Can you imagine placing an order with Amazon and being told, “It will be there ‘in time’.” Or trying to purchase a plane ticket, but instead of listing arrival times, it just states that the plane will arrive ‘in time’. Or you get a new job, but when you ask about your start date, they reply with, “You will start ‘in time’.”

That all sounds kind of ridiculous, doesn’t it? Which is exactly how the “things will get better in time” hit me back then. There is no direction in that statement… No “how-to”. While it does offer a smidge of hope, there is no specific date to look for in the future when it might not hurt so badly. Just an abstract – “at some point in time it will feel better than it does right now.” (Gee… thanks… I would certainly hope so.)

Then this week, as I was trying to figure out what had changed in my world to make it “better”, something hit me. I believe that our thoughts create our experience. In other words, what I focus on will affect my emotions and, hence, my experience of life.

I also know that in the past few years, I have worked hard to focus more on the good times Bruce and I shared, instead of focusing on the night he died or the idea of facing my future without him. (That does not mean those things never cross mind. They absolutely do. However, as long as I am mindful of them, those thoughts are less frequent and less intense than they used to be.

For example, when “our song” plays on the radio, I used to cry thinking about how he will never again take me by the hand, (barefoot in the kitchen), and hold me close as we dance to that song. True, I still think about all the times he held me close, and we danced barefoot in the kitchen. However, I work hard to focus on that memory and how wonderful and precious it is… not how those times are over, (because that is precisely what leads me down into the muck).

In other words, I try to stay focused on the good times and love we shared, not the absence of those things. I work hard to hold onto how thankful I am that he walked into my life and loved me, not the fact that he is gone.

I don’t know if that makes sense, or if anyone can even relate to what I am saying. I am sure there are other experiences and ways of healing on this journey. This is just part of my experience… A conscious choice that I have to make each and every day… To focus on life – how precious it was with him and the warmth of those memories… and, also, how precious each moment is now because I get to spend it with those I love.
_____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Perspectives

“The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of the state of your mind.” ~ Wayne Dyer

… A state of mind… Our perspective… It is something we don’t spend a lot of time contemplating. Yet, it controls everything around us… or at least, it controls how we experience everything around us.

At the beginning of this journey, when Bruce first died, all I could think about was how he was gone. Everything in my world was filtered through a lens of grief, loss, pain, and (if I am honest) self-pity. If I saw a couple fighting, I wanted to shout at them to stop. After all, there was no guarantee that they would both still be here in the morning. If I saw a couple holding hands or kissing, I was jealous. Why did they still get to be together, while Bruce and I weren’t. It didn’t seem fair.

But it wasn’t just that… Holidays and normal days, waking and sleeping – no matter what was happening, the “spin” my brain applied had more to do with Bruce being gone than what was actually happening around me. I somehow lost my ability to just enjoy life as it comes. All I could think about was my loss and so that was how I viewed and experienced life.

Was it helpful? Heck, no! Was it a normal reaction? Absolutely!

It took me a long time, though, to realize exactly how much that perspective was hurting me. It wasn’t just my clothes that were black; it was my whole outlook on life. Even now, I know that when I get triggered and a wave of grief comes flooding into my soul, I have to be very careful not to let it take over how I view everything else. Otherwise, I find myself spiraling down, because the more I focus on my pain, the more my pain becomes all I can see.

It is a vicious space to find yourself in and unless you realize it, you will remain there… and it takes a lot of self-discipline to fight that urge to wallow there and instead focus on the good.

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” ~ Wayne Dyer

This morning when I opened Facebook, the first two posts were from friends whom I have gone to church with, prayed with, loved and cared about. We have different political views, but that doesn’t mean either of us are bad or wrong… We just have different life experiences that have led us to differing opinions. I can respect that. We don’t have to agree.

Why? Because my focus isn’t on our differences. My focus is on the love and friendship we share with each other. My focus is on the Divine in each and every one of us that (in my view) connects all of us to each other.

What hurt, though, is that it would never occur to me to say the things to them that they were saying to me. Granted, it wasn’t a personal message with my name on it. However, these messages were directed at everyone and anyone who isn’t in agreement with them. That makes no sense to me.

It didn’t change my mind. However, it did cause me to flinch on the inside, and honestly, it felt just plain mean. (Not a word I would use to describe either of these people.) How can someone say that their faith calls them to love, then turn right around and say things that are anything but loving?

I found myself asking what happened to the love between friends? Respect for others’ experiences? Compassion for things we may not understand because we’ve never been forced to deal with it? An appreciation for hard choices that (thankfully) weren’t ours to make?

Gone… All of it seems to be gone.

How did we get to this place? I believe a big piece of that puzzle is (as I said in the beginning) our perspective… our focus… Because when we only focus on our differences, suddenly those differences are all we can see, and – right or wrong – that is what we act on.

I can’t imagine living in a world where everyone thinks alike… where all opinions are the same… where there is only room for one way of thinking. I would hate that. I am so thankful for all of my life’s experiences – even that hard ones… even the awful ones. Each of those has broadened my world and opened my eyes.

It’s funny… I didn’t always think that way. I spent most of my life surrounded by people who looked like me, prayed like me, and thought like me… which led me to believe that my thoughts and opinions were the right ones.

Then I met Bruce… sweet, wonderful Bruce. His opinions were not always in line with mine. I can’t tell you how many times I found myself trying to change his mind so he would see things the “right way” … Yet, through it all, he was so patient.

I remember one day as we discussed a sensitive topic, he asked how much I truly knew about the opposing views. It wasn’t a challenge. It was an honest question.

Had I ever actually listened – really listened – as someone explained their thoughts and views? Not simply hearing words and comparing them to my own thoughts… then, ultimately thinking of all the ways they were wrong. In other words, I wasn’t really listening. I was only waiting for my turn to respond. He was asking me to just let go for a moment and listen – without judgement… without formulating a response… to just a focus on them and all the experiences behind the words.

While I wanted to say that I had, I knew that I hadn’t… Not really… not enough. Then he talked about how important it is to listen to all the sides… to get a true and firm idea of where they are on their journey, whether I agreed or not wasn’t the point. The point was that while neither person is likely to change their mind, listening to each other allows us to draw closer in understanding and compassion… In other words, it alters our focus so that we can at least find our similarities and/or understand why we each think differently.

At that point, the focus is no longer on who is right or wrong, but on how we can move forward together… It is about adjusting our perspective so that our interactions are ones that build each other up – not tear each other down.

As time passes, I have come to understand more and more what he was saying (and modeling). Other opinions aren’t a threat – they are simply expressions of where each of us are currently on our journey… And each person’s journey is unique to them.

For example, now I find that I like people who offer other ways of thinking. I learn a lot about myself and the world around me when my perspectives are (respectfully) challenged. It might be hard to hear, and I may or may not understand or agree. However, usually… hopefully… we both leave that conversation a little bit wiser and a little more compassionate.

All that to say this…

“What you choose to perceive, you project out towards others. Your brother or the world you perceive to be outside yourself, acts as a mirror and reflects back what you originally projected out. Since thoughts are things, if you see your brother as handicapped, he will be handicapped. If you see him as hateful, he will be hateful. <Your> ways of seeing your brother reflects how you see yourself.” ~ ACIM, Note #25 (Thomas Wakechild)

There are a lot of things I have learned from Bruce through the years – some while he was alive and some after he died. At this point, I would say this idea of being aware of my focus and how it affects my perspective on everything else has probably had the biggest impact on my life… And for that, I am exceedingly grateful.
__________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – The Gift of Peace

I probably don’t have to tell anyone who is grieving how hard this season of celebration can be. Everywhere you turn, there is another reminder that this is a time of “joy and cheer”. There is no time for anything else – no other emotions… or so it seems.

Most of us have likely heard that this is also the time of year where suicide rates and domestic violence calls rise. For most of us, this seems to make sense, and we have accepted this as a fact for years… But did you know that this is actually a myth. What?? Really? I was shocked this week to learn that research does not back up these myths, which set me pondering to understand this new information.

Immediately, my mind went to the idea that we choose what we focus on, and whatever we focus on suddenly fills our world. In other words, if all we can think about is our pain… our grief, then, that sadness is all we can see, and it becomes a layer that covers everything else in our world… even on top of all the “joy and cheer”.

Also, whenever we resist “what is”, we ultimately give that thing more power. In fact, we can get so caught up in fighting this part of our journey that it becomes a part of everything on our path… ultimately affecting how we view the whole world around us.

At least, I know it has been that way for me… Since Bruce died, each year’s holiday season has had its challenges.

The first year, the pain was too intense to participate in the season at all I just couldn’t manage it. So, after weeks of struggling with the whole thing, I (kind of) ran away, and spent the week of Christmas on a yacht in the Keys, ignoring what was going on in the rest of the world.

The next year, I managed to spend the holiday in a more “normal” fashion. (You know… with decorations, music, food, and family.) Then, with each year that came, I managed a little bit more. For example, there was the year I finally started singing along with Christmas music on the radio. (That really felt good… Like my own mini celebration.)

Then, there were the years with my grandson, and suddenly Santa and the magic of Christmas were back with a flurry. The holiday was now about his joy and cheer… His wonderment at all that is Christmas. While my own pain from Bruce’s absence was still a layer in the picture, I worked hard to push it aside for my grandson’s sake. Granted, I wasn’t always successful, but I was definitely making progress.

My daughter and grandson moved out a few years ago, and the first year or two after that were a bit floundering for me. I was better than the early years of this journey, but not as good as I tried to be for my grandson… Then, this year, it dawned on me that maybe… just maybe, this reaction of mine is because whatever I feel and do needs to be genuine and needs to be mine. Otherwise, my responses will change with the tides.

I think that is why the singing had felt like a mini celebration… Because it had been a spontaneous response to the season and… It felt good. It was genuine, and it was mine. What had created that difference? My focus… In that moment, I was wholly focused on the music and all the wonderful memories attached to it.

So, that is what I have chosen to do more of this year… To focus, less on what isn’t… more on what is… and how much those “things that are” mean to me. This seems to be creating a kind of acceptance… I know I can’t change what is missing, but by moving toward accepting it (harder than it sounds), I can find the peace within me that allows me to genuinely enjoy what is…

What a gift that realization has been this season!! To realize that my “cheer and joy”… my true peace in this season is within my control… I am not a victim of what happened. I am a willing participant in what is happening all around me… That is a gift… A gift to know that I can still feel sad that Bruce is gone, but I don’t have to paint a layer of that grief onto everything. Instead, I can cover everything, including my grief, with the acceptance that this is where life has brought me. Then, this acceptance allows me to relish this gift of peace that fills my soul and spills out into the world around me.

“Not all Christmas gifts come wrapped and topped with a bow.
Some come in the guise of our more unpleasant challenges.
And sometimes the greatest gift we can receive is realizing the gifts we have to give.”
~ Rev. Bronte Colbert, Daily Word: November – December 2023, A Most Unlikely Christmas Gift

________________________________________________________

Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Where is My Focus

I have good friends.
I have good family.
I am in a good place.
So, why does it still hurt so bad?
~ Linda, 2021

In my morning readings this week, I came upon a list of the “Keys to Happiness”. The very first one stated, “Happiness is a choice.” Hmmm… I have heard this many times before and always find it interesting. As if our sadness, grief, depression, or whatever we are dealing with should be put aside, ignored, and is somehow our choice and our fault.

I am sure there are those who swear by this mantra, and (to a point) I get it. Generally speaking, I am a positive person. As a past performer, I know, as well as anyone, how to smile at the world when everything on the inside is falling apart. But let’s be honest… happiness isn’t our only emotion… And how healthy is it really to ignore all other emotions and only allow “happiness” – real or pretend – into our lives. I believe it is healthier to feel and work through those other emotions and situations, so that we can be our full, authentic self versus a pretend shadow of who we really are.

Don’t get me wrong… I understand the importance of knowing when and where to do that work, plus the added responsibility of implementing some emotional regulation and control. But completely ignoring all other emotions besides happiness isn’t realistic nor healthy for anyone.

Instead, I think it is more about where we decide to place our focus on any given day and at any given moment…

When Bruce first died, I heard all about this “new normal” that I needed to adjust to – the sooner the better, supposedly. Then, I was told that time would heal… That was all I needed – time. Yet, when that didn’t turn out to be the case, I was told that it was like an injury – the scar or limp would always be there, but the pain and such would fade – remembered but no longer really hurting. Again… That has not been my reality.

Instead, I have found it to be more like an object lesson about focus that we used to use with our kids in school…

Picture a dime… It’s small – not big at all. You can easily hold it between two fingers or hide it in your fist. Now, if you take that dime and hold it close to your face… So close that it blocks almost everything else from your view. At that point, it demands your focus. You have no choice since it is (almost) the only thing you can see. However, as you pull it further away – further back – the rest of the world starts to open up to you again. You can see all the things that were blocked before. Now… that dime is still there. It is the same size it has always been. You can still see it and hold it, but it no longer demands all your focus.

Grief is like that dime… There are days where that grief (dime) is simply a part of the landscape. You know it is there. You can see it, and you can even feel it when you let yourself think about it. In fact, it can easily take over your entire field of vision, if you focus on it a lot (or “too much” according to some). At that point, the pain becomes intense and everything else fades back into the background.

In the beginning, this was every moment of every day. Throughout the years, I have learned to hold that grief far enough out, so that most days I can see and enjoy the rest of my world. My grief isn’t gone; it just isn’t my entire focus. Instead, it is another piece in my life’s tapestry.

However, even now after all this time, there are still days when that grief does blot out everything else… And it isn’t like a scar or a limp… The pain and loneliness are just as strong and just as real as on day one. The only difference is that now, I have a better idea of how to handle it… and a better understanding of how to work through those moments so I can be stronger for the next one.

This week, as the anniversary of Bruce’s death approaches, that grief is getting closer and closer… Each day it seems to be blocking out more and more of the rest of my world. I understand why and I know that it will pass… But I also know that for the next several days, it will be my focus… And by acknowledging it and working through it, I believe I am being much healthier and kinder to myself, than if I ignored it and pretended I didn’t feel it at all.

There is a pain so intense
So deep
It cannot be healed.
It is my soul crying out for yours…
~ Linda, 2015

_________________________________________________________
Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone… and at certain times of the year, it can be just a little bit harder. I don’t think any of us wants to on this path, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined – especially during the holidays. Each time I think I have it figured out; I find I don’t at all, despite the years since Bruce passed. This next week will hold a lot of challenges for me, as I face the anniversary of Bruce’s death, but my goal is to look at this new year before me and find the joy and the hope life holds.

Peace, Love and Grief… Life with a purpose

Hey Beautiful,
… I’ve spent 10 years living day by day just knowing you were out there somewhere and knowing that somewhere, somehow we would meet. I tried not to think about it. I was just trying to be a good dad and give <my daughter> what she needed. I really believe God has a plan and I was just going to have faith and let it happen. Now it’s happened and I thank God and can’t wait to see you again. You’ve given me a fresh outlook on life and I have a purpose again. Thank you!

I love you so much!
Bruce, March, 2005

Life with a purpose… isn’t that what we are all looking for in some way? I remember when Bruce wrote this letter to me. He said I gave him a purpose, but I can tell you without a doubt, he gave my life purpose, as well. When he died, I was so confused… so lost. I couldn’t understand why I was still here, and he was gone. The first year without him, I felt as if I no longer had a purpose. Surviving day to day seemed to be the only purpose I could find… at first.

As that first year drew to a close, I began to realize that I was still here for a reason. It was going to be up to me to figure out that reason and find a new focus. That next year, I focused on my own healing – emotionally and spiritually. Don’t get me wrong, I think this is one of those “on-going, for-the-rest-of-your-life” kind of things. But what I did learn that year was our purpose is always evolving. We should not expect it to remain the same year to year or possibly even day to day.

Our purpose is “for a season” – a season of life… and then, it evolves into something else… something new and different. Sometimes that change may be so subtle, we can’t even pinpoint when it actually changed. Then, there are other times (like Bruce’s death), when the change is so sudden and severe, it leaves us reeling and struggling to breathe.

The following year, I felt drawn to start this blog. My purpose was (and is) to tell the true story of dealing with loss. I wanted to tell the whole story – the good and the bad, the celebrations and the struggles, the highs and the lows… I wanted to write about the realities of being the one left behind after a loss.

Why?

Partly because I can write what I can’t say. When Bruce passed away, I had a very quick “reality check.” I learned that we (as a society) have let Hollywood dictate our opinions about loss and grief – how is to be experienced and what we should say to one another for comfort. Then, (according to Hollywood) we are all supposed to forget it, move on and “live happily ever after.”

But that is a myth; it isn’t the reality. I guess I felt my purpose has been to point that out… to let others dealing with loss know they aren’t alone. When I started, I decided that even if it only helped one person, that would make it worthwhile in my book. While I know it has made some people uncomfortable, according to the messages I receive, it has made many more people feel validated in their own experiences… so this blog is a worthwhile purpose “for this season.”

However, while I write honestly about my feelings and experiences here, I know my grief is “old news” to those closest to me. Therefore in my everyday life, I don’t usually talk about this stuff anymore… If I really need to talk to someone, I will. But generally, I try to ensure it is a rare conversation.

Which brings up another “why?” Because, while I want to help others going through similar experiences, I don’t want my whole life to be focused on the frustrations of loss. I want to live a “normal” life. Plus, I have learned that what I focus on in life will expand… and I don’t need any more sadness or frustration in my life.

For example, I found myself struggling this week as this holiday weekend approached. For me, Easter is more than a religious celebration… It is a family celebration of life. However, I knew that I would be alone, and loneliness is a huge issue for me, as it is with most widows and widowers (even years later). Since I have a hard time expressing that, no one around me knew. So, as I found myself focusing on the “alone” piece, the “pity party” started in my head.

However, about mid-week I made a choice. I decided to change my focus from “alone” and redirect it in a positive way. I couldn’t change the “alone” factor, but I could make my time alone positive and productive. So… I completely “unplugged” this weekend. I started on Friday evening, and have spent the last 2 days enjoying a quiet, spiritual retreat weekend. It has been beautiful… and definitely much better than feeling sorry for myself.

This year, while I am still writing this blog (and will continue until it no longer serves a purpose), I can feel my day-to-day purpose shifting. My current focus seems to be around spiritual growth. For what? I have no idea, but I have definitely been drawn in that direction… And I am willing to follow this path and remain open to new ideas and experiences in my life.

In some ways, I feel I am following Bruce’s lead. His calm, steady, quiet faith was unshakable. I always loved to hear him tell how he knew I was “out there somewhere” and we would meet when it was time.

From the time we met until the night he died, he wore an anchor on a chain around his neck. A simple, silver anchor – the symbol of hope. He used to say that it symbolized his hope and his faith all those years as he waited for us to find each other. He would talk about being lonely for years, but how he never gave up hope or settled for something less than what he knew was right.

Now I wear that that chain with the anchor (and our wedding bands). It is my reminder that life always offers hope… and that is where I need to focus.

What about you? Do you ever struggle with why you are still here and your loved one is not? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief