I probably don’t have to tell anyone who is grieving how hard this season of celebration can be. Everywhere you turn, there is another reminder that this is a time of “joy and cheer”. There is no time for anything else – no other emotions… or so it seems.
Most of us have likely heard that this is also the time of year where suicide rates and domestic violence calls rise. For most of us, this seems to make sense, and we have accepted this as a fact for years… But did you know that this is actually a myth. What?? Really? I was shocked this week to learn that research does not back up these myths, which set me pondering to understand this new information.
Immediately, my mind went to the idea that we choose what we focus on, and whatever we focus on suddenly fills our world. In other words, if all we can think about is our pain… our grief, then, that sadness is all we can see, and it becomes a layer that covers everything else in our world… even on top of all the “joy and cheer”.
Also, whenever we resist “what is”, we ultimately give that thing more power. In fact, we can get so caught up in fighting this part of our journey that it becomes a part of everything on our path… ultimately affecting how we view the whole world around us.
At least, I know it has been that way for me… Since Bruce died, each year’s holiday season has had its challenges.
The first year, the pain was too intense to participate in the season at all I just couldn’t manage it. So, after weeks of struggling with the whole thing, I (kind of) ran away, and spent the week of Christmas on a yacht in the Keys, ignoring what was going on in the rest of the world.
The next year, I managed to spend the holiday in a more “normal” fashion. (You know… with decorations, music, food, and family.) Then, with each year that came, I managed a little bit more. For example, there was the year I finally started singing along with Christmas music on the radio. (That really felt good… Like my own mini celebration.)
Then, there were the years with my grandson, and suddenly Santa and the magic of Christmas were back with a flurry. The holiday was now about his joy and cheer… His wonderment at all that is Christmas. While my own pain from Bruce’s absence was still a layer in the picture, I worked hard to push it aside for my grandson’s sake. Granted, I wasn’t always successful, but I was definitely making progress.
My daughter and grandson moved out a few years ago, and the first year or two after that were a bit floundering for me. I was better than the early years of this journey, but not as good as I tried to be for my grandson… Then, this year, it dawned on me that maybe… just maybe, this reaction of mine is because whatever I feel and do needs to be genuine and needs to be mine. Otherwise, my responses will change with the tides.
I think that is why the singing had felt like a mini celebration… Because it had been a spontaneous response to the season and… It felt good. It was genuine, and it was mine. What had created that difference? My focus… In that moment, I was wholly focused on the music and all the wonderful memories attached to it.
So, that is what I have chosen to do more of this year… To focus, less on what isn’t… more on what is… and how much those “things that are” mean to me. This seems to be creating a kind of acceptance… I know I can’t change what is missing, but by moving toward accepting it (harder than it sounds), I can find the peace within me that allows me to genuinely enjoy what is…
What a gift that realization has been this season!! To realize that my “cheer and joy”… my true peace in this season is within my control… I am not a victim of what happened. I am a willing participant in what is happening all around me… That is a gift… A gift to know that I can still feel sad that Bruce is gone, but I don’t have to paint a layer of that grief onto everything. Instead, I can cover everything, including my grief, with the acceptance that this is where life has brought me. Then, this acceptance allows me to relish this gift of peace that fills my soul and spills out into the world around me.
“Not all Christmas gifts come wrapped and topped with a bow.
Some come in the guise of our more unpleasant challenges.
And sometimes the greatest gift we can receive is realizing the gifts we have to give.”
~ Rev. Bronte Colbert, Daily Word: November – December 2023, A Most Unlikely Christmas Gift
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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