acceptance – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Reflections

Just as Christmas quickly approaches, so does the end of 2023… Sometimes in the bustle of all that is the holiday season, we put off reflecting on the passing year until the last minute or once the new year begins. This year, as I try to be more mindful, I have found myself reflecting now versus later. This has been a year of loss and a year of gain… True to life in its purest form, 2023 has been a balance of both.

While I know this and accept this, the holiday season still holds its challenges. I still miss Bruce. I’d be lying if I said otherwise. I would give anything to have him here, but he isn’t… and he isn’t the only one who is missing. As I have written throughout the year, there are several people who have left my life this last year. It’s hard, and I grieve them all… not just Bruce.

Then, this morning, I read this:

“Our lives are always changing. Just as people come into our lives, they also leave – some gradually, others abruptly… Christmas is the perfect time to remember those who, for whatever reason, are no longer with us.”
~ Rev. Teresa Burton, Advent: The Sweetest Christmas, December 17, 2023

Each of us has experienced that sense of loss at some point in our lives. Sometimes those we love and care about leave because of life circumstances… maybe we just lose touch over the distance of time or space. Sometimes, that loss is not intentional, and sometimes it is… Sometimes there is the painful reality of changes in relationships, where someone decides it is healthier to part ways… Sometimes it is due to illness… or even death. No matter what the cause, none of it is easy, especially during the holidays.

This week, I have found myself reflecting on the people who will be missing from my home this season. As I said when referring to Bruce, no matter the reason for the distance or loss, it makes me sad… I hate it… I grieve it.

Earlier this week, I even found myself wishing things were different… Wishing I could have just one more hug from each of them. As I dwelt on it more and more, I found myself wanting to change the way things are… to resist the distance someone placed between us or to bring back those who have passed. I want a perfect world with a perfect holiday season. I want all “my people” in my home and for the space to be filled with nothing but love for one another.

In other words, I want to be in control and have it the way I think is best… But as I have been learning this year, that is not realistic, nor is it life. Plus, I don’t really want to manage everyone’s life… I know I don’t have all the answers. In fact, many times this year, I have thought my world was falling apart, only to realize as things played out, that God/the Universe has it all under control… In fact, often times, the best things have come as the result of what initially seemed awful.

So… instead of being in charge of anyone else, we each get to make our own choices, and honestly, I want it that way. We all need to find our own way on our own path… and we need to accept it when others make their own choices – even the ones that break our hearts… And that’s not easy. However, life is all about the ups and downs… It is about learning to navigate those hills and valleys… and still finding a way that exudes love and peace.

So that is my goal this week, as Christmas and the New Year approach… To reflect on the warm memories of those who have left my life… To appreciate those who are still in it… To send love and peace out into the world in a way that transcends distance, space, time, and physical or metaphysical planes. I want to continue this path to peace by accepting what I cannot change… Loving those who are gone… and appreciating what I do have by focusing on all those who continue to fill my world with love and peace each day.

“We must meet the experiences of life with the knowledge of their part in life. To do this is to have power over the events of life. We cannot stay in any place and say: ‘Here is where I want to be. I don’t want anything else to happen to me. I want to be away from the fret and worry of common life. I want to stay on this high mountain or in this ivory tower.’ This isn’t the way life is. This isn’t the way to happiness or contentment. Strange as it may seem, happiness, joy, contentment, and victory belong to the overcomer.”

~ Paul Hasselbeck, Heart-Centered Metaphysics

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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal has been to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – The Gift of Peace

I probably don’t have to tell anyone who is grieving how hard this season of celebration can be. Everywhere you turn, there is another reminder that this is a time of “joy and cheer”. There is no time for anything else – no other emotions… or so it seems.

Most of us have likely heard that this is also the time of year where suicide rates and domestic violence calls rise. For most of us, this seems to make sense, and we have accepted this as a fact for years… But did you know that this is actually a myth. What?? Really? I was shocked this week to learn that research does not back up these myths, which set me pondering to understand this new information.

Immediately, my mind went to the idea that we choose what we focus on, and whatever we focus on suddenly fills our world. In other words, if all we can think about is our pain… our grief, then, that sadness is all we can see, and it becomes a layer that covers everything else in our world… even on top of all the “joy and cheer”.

Also, whenever we resist “what is”, we ultimately give that thing more power. In fact, we can get so caught up in fighting this part of our journey that it becomes a part of everything on our path… ultimately affecting how we view the whole world around us.

At least, I know it has been that way for me… Since Bruce died, each year’s holiday season has had its challenges.

The first year, the pain was too intense to participate in the season at all I just couldn’t manage it. So, after weeks of struggling with the whole thing, I (kind of) ran away, and spent the week of Christmas on a yacht in the Keys, ignoring what was going on in the rest of the world.

The next year, I managed to spend the holiday in a more “normal” fashion. (You know… with decorations, music, food, and family.) Then, with each year that came, I managed a little bit more. For example, there was the year I finally started singing along with Christmas music on the radio. (That really felt good… Like my own mini celebration.)

Then, there were the years with my grandson, and suddenly Santa and the magic of Christmas were back with a flurry. The holiday was now about his joy and cheer… His wonderment at all that is Christmas. While my own pain from Bruce’s absence was still a layer in the picture, I worked hard to push it aside for my grandson’s sake. Granted, I wasn’t always successful, but I was definitely making progress.

My daughter and grandson moved out a few years ago, and the first year or two after that were a bit floundering for me. I was better than the early years of this journey, but not as good as I tried to be for my grandson… Then, this year, it dawned on me that maybe… just maybe, this reaction of mine is because whatever I feel and do needs to be genuine and needs to be mine. Otherwise, my responses will change with the tides.

I think that is why the singing had felt like a mini celebration… Because it had been a spontaneous response to the season and… It felt good. It was genuine, and it was mine. What had created that difference? My focus… In that moment, I was wholly focused on the music and all the wonderful memories attached to it.

So, that is what I have chosen to do more of this year… To focus, less on what isn’t… more on what is… and how much those “things that are” mean to me. This seems to be creating a kind of acceptance… I know I can’t change what is missing, but by moving toward accepting it (harder than it sounds), I can find the peace within me that allows me to genuinely enjoy what is…

What a gift that realization has been this season!! To realize that my “cheer and joy”… my true peace in this season is within my control… I am not a victim of what happened. I am a willing participant in what is happening all around me… That is a gift… A gift to know that I can still feel sad that Bruce is gone, but I don’t have to paint a layer of that grief onto everything. Instead, I can cover everything, including my grief, with the acceptance that this is where life has brought me. Then, this acceptance allows me to relish this gift of peace that fills my soul and spills out into the world around me.

“Not all Christmas gifts come wrapped and topped with a bow.
Some come in the guise of our more unpleasant challenges.
And sometimes the greatest gift we can receive is realizing the gifts we have to give.”
~ Rev. Bronte Colbert, Daily Word: November – December 2023, A Most Unlikely Christmas Gift

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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Learning to Accept What Is

Note: My apologies for not posting last week. I was spending some very needed time with family. <3

This past week marked what would have been our 18th wedding anniversary. It’s hard to believe that wonderful day when we joined our lives was that long ago. It feels like only yesterday. I know it’s been more than 10 years since Bruce’s death, and yet… our time together still seems so closely connected to my life… even now.

This is the time of year that always holds its challenges for me. There is one memorable event after another – our anniversary, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, the anniversary of our meeting, New Years, and the anniversary of his death. Whew! It is a lot of emotions in a short span of time!

This year, there has even been a little more craziness to add to the pile. The company where I have worked for 17 years made the necessary decision to lay off 2400 people at the end of September. While my kids who also work there were safe, my job (and most of my department) was considered expendable at this time. So… here I am looking for a job, while balancing all these other events in the background. (Sigh…)

In the past, I know I would have been an emotional basket case. In fact, this blog likely would have been filled with all kinds of sadness and self-pity… Not this year, though… At least, not this week.

As I have said before, I have spent this year working on me… learning to simply “be”… learning to focus on “what is” versus “what was”. I have found a church which has encouraged my own spiritual growth, made friends who have similar goals and focus, and learned to let go (with love) of those things that I cannot control or do not serve me in a positive way. Therefore, when this quote popped up in my readings last week, it truly spoke to my heart.

“We may not always get what we want, but through gratitude and giving, we have the opportunity to want what we already have and to realize just how much we have to give.”
~ Teresa Burton, The Daily Word Nov – Dec 2023 edition, Dear Reader

I know this is the month of gratitude, so I wasn’t surprised to read this. What did surprise me was my response to it. In the past, I would have thought, “Yeah, sure, but… how can I be thankful during this time when I am constantly reminded of all that I have lost?” Instead, my heart has embraced this idea.

Why? I think a lot of it has to do with the wording. Rather than telling the reader what to feel or not feel, this quote starts with empathy for what is not – “We may not always get what we want…” The word “may” instead of a harsher “don’t” makes the difference for me. If the phrase were “we don’t always get what we want”, I would have stopped reading, because that sounds like the beginnings of a lecture. It would have lacked the empathy that I still need to hear.

Then, this quote gives some ideas for direction – “… through gratitude and giving, …” In other words, it isn’t just about gratitude for what I do have, it also involves looking outside of myself to see where I might help someone else with their struggles. That is definitely something I have taken to heart this year… By looking outside of myself, my focus changes. Instead, I find myself looking at others. I’m not trying to “rescue” anyone, but I can offer kindness and understanding, or maybe there is a physical need where I can help. Next thing I know, my own struggles don’t seem so all-encompassing.

Finally, the quote ends with hope – “… we have the opportunity to want what we already have and to realize just how much we have to give.” Hope for opportunities to come and realization of what we have… This is something that is hard to hold onto when we are grieving. Trust me… I know. For years, I have struggled to find any kind of hope in a life without Bruce. However, when I focus on the opportunities and possibilities ahead, life looks completely different.

So… This year, as I move through each of these days and weeks ahead with such deep emotional reminders (and possible triggers), I pray that I really can remember Bruce and all that we had, while also remembering to express my gratitude for all that is – my friends, my family, my health, the job that is waiting for me, and my faith that tells me there are so many more wonderful possibilities out there simply waiting for me to discover them.

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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief… Remembering the Good

I can’t even begin to count the number of self-help books and articles I have read since Bruce died. I seem to always have one that I am reading and the next one waiting on the bedside table. In the beginning they seemed to all be about dealing with grief, and over time, that has grown into many “side” topics that still relate back to grief in some fashion (at least, for me). Shoot! Even when the topic has nothing to do with grief, I seem to always find some tidbit I can apply that helps my grief journey move forward, even if it is only a baby step.

When Bruce first died, all I could focus on was the fact that he was gone, and I was alone. Nothing else seemed to sink in… Nothing else mattered. Everything in my mind was centered on the absolute awfulness of the entire situation – all the years left to be alone, all the holidays and special moments that would never be… The future looked bleak… Life wasn’t supposed to be like this, and yet, this was all I could see.

Back then, I felt so lost, even prayer was something I couldn’t find the ability to do. People would say things to try to make me feel better, but I couldn’t hear the love in what they were saying. All I could hear was what felt like judgement or a complete inability to understand what I was going through. I can’t even tell you how many times I heard that I needed to learn to look for the positives in all this – to rejoice and be thankful.

Excuse me?? NO!! I couldn’t do that any more than I could bring Bruce back… (And believe me, if I could have done either of those things, I would have.)

As time has passed, I have learned a few things about this journey… They aren’t big. They are quite small, but for me, these have made a huge difference in my ability to navigate this path just a little bit better.

1. God never said to be thankful for all circumstances. The verse actually says to be thankful in all circumstances. In other words, this verse is meant to be a reminder to look for the blessings around us, even when we are in the middle of something awful… like grief. It was never meant to be used in judgement or to make us feel bad about where we are emotionally. It is simply a sign on the journey… a reminder… nothing more.

2. As time passes, I think less and less about that terrible night when Bruce died. I haven’t forgotten it… I will always remember every last detail. However, I don’t think about it all the time. Instead, I find myself remembering all the good times… all the sweet memories we built together… all the love I felt when we were together… That is where my mind goes these days.

3. And because that is now where my mind tends to stay, I am finally able to pray for God to help me accept what I have to accept… To understand that death is as much a part of this life as breathing. You see, as long as I was focused solely on the negatives, I couldn’t remember the good things, and I couldn’t vocalize that prayer. Yet, when I am focused on the good things, the negatives turn out to be not so powerful, and I can breathe.

I’m not sure where along the line things changed, but this week, I realized that I have finally come to a point where the good memories greatly outweigh the sadness at least 90% of the time. That’s pretty good, don’t you think? I mean, sure… It has taken me a while to get here… and I still have a ways to go… But in the meantime, I will celebrate and accept the joy of remembering the good, and be thankful that I am learning to accept what I have to accept.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Who is Grieving?

Who is grieving?… I think the better question is “Who isn’t?”

“…There is one sure way to know loss is part of someone’s life – they are breathing.” ~ Lysa Terkeurst, Forgiving What You Can’t Forget

That is so true… Everyone has some kind of loss. How we deal with it, or even if we deal with it, is where we may differ. For some, pushing it down and pretending it doesn’t hurt is the answer. For others, talking or writing about it can help. Still others put their energy into projects or being creative… And the list of how we heal goes on and on… But the lesson I have learned is that there is no one correct way to grieve.

Even when we are grieving the same loss… the same person… our grief will be different. Why? Because, while the person may be the same, their role in our lives is different… Our relationships are different… How this loss changes our day-to-day life is different.

For some, it will change every moment of your life. And yet, for someone else grieving that same person, it may only affect certain days or moments in time. The point is none of it is wrong. No one should be grieving exactly the same because our loss is not the same… and if we try to force someone else to grieve as we grieve, we could end up losing another relationship by the hurt we may create.

However, what I’m not saying is that we need to do our grieving alone… We shouldn’t… Grief seems to always need some kind of acknowledgement… some kind of empathy or compassion from those around us… Those we love… Those who love us… and even those who are also grieving a loss at the same time. There is something validating about knowing we aren’t alone on this journey, even if our paths are slightly different.

In the Jewish community, there is “sitting shiva.” From my understanding, this is a practice where mourners come together to provide spiritual and emotional support for each other. I love that idea… Sometimes there is talking; sometimes there isn’t… and that’s okay. Generally, the platitudes that are often said to a grieving person, such as “they are in a better place” are not said… Instead, this seems to be a space where a person’s grief (however it is expressed) is accepted, rather than people trying to make you “feel better” with empty words. There is an understanding and an acceptance of just how low a loss can take you…

I wish we did more of that for each other… I wish there was more acceptance of grief and the different ways loss affects each of us. I wish so much of our grief wasn’t spent in isolation, but instead was spent processing our loss together…

“We can grieve because we are strangers to human hurt, even if we re strangers by definition.” ~ Lysa Terkeurst, Forgiving What You Can’t Forget

I guess that is why I write this blog each week. It is my attempt to share my experiences in the hopes that maybe even one person might feel a little less alone, and a little more validated or understood… Just a way of softening the sting a little bit… of mixing our views and perspectives… of letting our words “sit shiva” with each other so that in time, we can each find some peace and maybe even hope, once more.

I say it every week… Loss is hard, and the grief we are left to figure out is even harder. But this is a journey where I am continuously learning – mostly about myself… what I think about life, faith, and love. These have all been great life lessons. However, I hate that losing Bruce is how I got here. After all, I didn’t ask to be here… I didn’t ask for any of this. As the years pass, I can honestly say that there are more good days than bad as I learn those things that seem to bring me a little bit of healing each day. Through it all, though, I still find myself wishing for a world where Bruce is here beside me. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without him. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!

In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Accepting “What Is”

Learning to Smile Again

I smile again…
Slow at first,
A little awkward,
Then quickly, I shut it down.
Soon I am smiling again –
A little longer,
A little bigger,
One day I think I will smile like I smiled before –
Full of life… and love.
~ Linda, January 2014

Do you ever have weeks that seem to be meant for reflection? Nothing bad… no real sadness… just plenty of time to reflect on where I have been, where I am and where I am going… This week has been one of those weeks for me.

I think it started last weekend while I was talking to my grandson about our “Happiness Board.” This “Happiness Board” is a dry-erase board in our kitchen. It has three columns (one for each of us) and seven rows (one for each day of the week). Each day we list the things from that day that made us happy or we are thankful for. We started this just a few weeks ago in response to all the negativity that seems to fill this world lately. It is our attempt to stay focused on the positive things in our lives, instead of all the things that can so easily bring us down.

For me, it has become a great way to remain focused on what I have in my life versus what I don’t have (like Bruce). By looking for things to be thankful for… Things that bring happiness, I find myself better able to accept what is happening around me. In many ways, it has become a great reminder to celebrate life… something I know Bruce would want me to continue doing.

What I have found is while the big (aka – material) things may make me smile in the moment, these aren’t the things that make me smile the biggest or that warm my heart the most. In fact, usually it is the most simple things that bring the most joy… Things like afternoon rain, laughing, dancing in the living room or Sunday afternoon naps… So many times, I know it is in the simple moments of life where the best memories are made.

Don’t get me wrong… This board is not a “fix” that demands I must always be happy or ignore those moments when I miss Bruce and a tear slides down my cheek. As I reflect this week, I know those days and moments will probably always be a part of my world. Like the economy, it is the continuous ups and downs that truly lead to growth. It takes both – the times of happiness when I am able to accept “what is,” and those times of struggle when I find myself stretching and growing.

It is weeks like this when I remind myself I should not always expect continuous growth… That’s not realistic. Instead, I need to strive to be a little better each day… Yet, always willing to allow myself the grace to accept it when I’m not – knowing that it’s not only okay… It’s normal.

I guess, the more I reflect, the more I learn… I need to remember the positives God has sent into my life each day. I also need to keep reminding myself that the overall direction of my life is always more important than wherever I am at any given moment as I keep learning to accept “what is.”

To move forward,
You must live in the present moment first…
Whatever it is, let yourself go and just live!
~Linda, February 2015

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way… and we each have our own lessons we must learn. Have you ever allowed yourself the time to reflect on where you were compared to where you are now? If so, would you be willing to share your experience, there may be someone else out there who needs to hear it. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… The Search for Real Peace

There seems to be so many obstacles and things to learn in this journey called life… And when your life journey includes a grief journey, things really change. The obstacles change and there are new things to learn that you never even thought of before. For me however, whatever the obstacle or lesson, finding some kind of peace seems to always be at the core… And the hardest part of that can be determining if that peace is real peace, or if it is something else simply masquerading as peace.

Do you know what do I mean?

In past blogs, I have written about things people have said or done. Some things are positive… They are incredibly helpful, healing and create a sense of peace. Other things, however, aren’t helpful at all… They leave me feeling like I am less than a person – These things are not healing, and do not create a sense of peace.

Why is that? I believe it is due to several factors…

I think some of it is because people don’t know what to say or do when someone they care about is grieving. I sincerely believe (most of the time) people’s hearts are in the right place, but without any personal experience, they rely on “Hollywood” or what they have heard others say. While they mean well, they don’t realize how absolutely hollow many of those words and phrases are.

There are also those who may or may not have any personal experience with loss. (However, for them, that really doesn’t matter.) Either way, they are convinced they have the answers. According to them, if I would just do as they say, I would “get over it”… And when I don’t, they push even harder. I want to believe they mean well, but I wish they could understand their answers aren’t necessarily my answers.

Then, there is my part in all of this… I know I am a passive communicator. In my soul, I just want everyone to get along, so I tend to bite my tongue – not speaking up or being honest about how some of these words and actions affect me. However, while I might convince myself I am “keeping the peace,” it is a false sense of peace… Because in actuality, there is no peace within that space.

I think one of the biggest things I have learned on this journey is there are two kinds of peace…

First, there is the fake peace created when I don’t speak up. True – there is no conflict… at least not externally. However, in my heart, there is great conflict and hurt. There is a feeling of being “squelched” or put down… A feeling of being less than who I really am. There is also a fear here that if I am honest and speak up for myself, I will no longer be loved. I call this “fake peace,” because it is a mask… It is not real, and it is not healing in any sense of the word.

Real peace, however, is completely different… This is found in the relationships where I know I can be honest… and still be loved. This is the space where I feel heard and understood, and which allows me to listen and understand others, as well. In this space, there is no one with “power” over the other, because no one is perceived as weak. Because there is an understanding of what is sacred within each of us, we are able to find a commonality that strengthens and heals…

In other words, when there is real peace… There is also hope… and that is where the healing can start to happen.

There is a peace that comes with acceptance,
And a love that is always remembered.
~ Linda, September 2013

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way… and we each have our own lessons we must learn. Have you ever found yourself wondering what happened to listening and being compassionate toward one another? Have you ever doubted your own value in this world? If so, would you be willing to share your experience, there may be someone else out there who needs to hear it. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… There is No Fixing It

Tomorrow is a day of love for everyone… but me.
My love is gone…
~ Linda, February 2016

Well, it is that time of year again… That time when everything around us screams “love” and “romance”… The words and images are everywhere… but my love is gone, and my heart is broken. How do I fix this?

For the past few Valentine’s, I managed to avoid as much of the Valentine’s celebration as I could. I avoided the card aisle in the stores, the floral departments and shops, and (because I don’t watch much TV) the commercials. I suppose it is a dance of sorts, but it has worked for the most part.

This year, however, there is no avoiding it. With my grandson here, he has been planning for weeks what to do for his Mom, his classmates and his teachers. So, this year, there has been no avoiding anything Valentine’s… In fact, for weeks we have been shopping the very aisles I would normally try to avoid.

In some ways, it’s okay – I don’t mind… It makes me smile to see his excitement as he picks out gifts and cards. I have even laughed a few times while trying to reign him in when he wants to buy everything labeled “love” because he wants his Mom to “have the best Valentine’s Day ever.” At the same time, I look at the romantic images, and tears fill my eyes. How do I fix this?

It is still so hard… It has been four long years, but I am constantly finding my love for Bruce has not diminished at all…

My pain is here and
Always will be…
There is no end to our love
And there is no end to the pain.
~ Linda, January 2015

This week, my Face Book “On This Day” feature has included posts from our last trip to Key West together. It was Bruce’s last Valentine’s gift to me. (Although, we didn’t know it at the time.) It was such a wonderful weekend, and those pictures and posts hold precious memories. But every day when I look at them, my heart sinks with reality, and the tears fill my eyes… I miss him… I miss us… How do I fix this?

My heart struggles to reconcile itself with
What my mind knows is real.
~ Linda, October 2013

A few times I have tried to talk about it… I have tried to reach out, but I struggle. In the beginning and even now, when I try to share what I am feeling, I find most people want to “fix” it. They mean well, and as a Mom, I get it… I want to fix things when the people around me hurt, too.

But some things can’t be fixed… This cannot be fixed… But God, how I wish it could!

I’m trying to be brave…
But I don’t feel brave.
I don’t want to face tomorrow.
I don’t want to wake up alone.
I don’t want another day without you.
I am so thankful for the memories…
I just wish they weren’t memories…
I wish they were now.
~ Linda, February 2015

What I really need on days like this is someone who is willing to simply be with me… Someone who won’t lecture or deny… Someone who won’t shame or avoid… Someone who doesn’t need to say anything… Someone who is willing to simply stay beside me and share the load when it gets heavier than I can handle alone, even if it is only for a little while.

I know… That is a lot to ask. It really is. I understand in today’s fast-paced world, most of us want to give answers and move on… But grief doesn’t have an answer… There is no fixing it… It is a journey of tears, courage and growth… It is a process – faster for some; slower for others. And… While some parts are best handled alone, there are other parts which require help.

At what point do I get used to this?
At what point does this feel normal?
Will life always feel like it is only half lived?
~ Linda, July 2015

I know I will figure this out… I know I will be okay… I know I need to spend some time in quiet meditation, and some time reaching out to those who love me. I know there is no fixing it, but there is a balance… a balance that can provide some peace for a broken heart.

There is a peace that comes with acceptance;
And a love that is always remembered.
~ Linda, September 2013

For many of us, the week ahead is a hard week. Learning how to survive this time of year alone is hard… It can bring up memories, tears and conflicting emotions. If any of this sounds familiar, there are many of us here with you… you are not alone. If you have found a positive way through this, would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Yes, and…

I think one of the hardest parts of grieving is the constant feeling of being judged. I know… I’ve talked about this several times before but only because it IS such a constant phenomenon. There seems to be so many people are SO sure they would do things “different,” (aka – “better”). In fact when this whole thing started, I think I even had that same thought process… I was determined… I would to go to a support group, “get better,” and learn to be a “good widow.” HA! What a load of craziness!

At about the 9 – 10 month point, I remember having a conversation with someone that went something like this…

Them: How are you doing this week?

Me: Okay… trying to get get through each day… still really sad and angry. It’s just still so hard to believe this is all real. I just don’t want to accept it.

Them: How about Bruce’s Mom? How is she?

Me: About the same… She is trying, but she is really hurting.

Silence.

Me: She lost her son… that’s not the natural order of things… I think she is struggling… I think she is still deeply grieving. Who could blame her?

Them: Humph… Well,… you two need to remember that you are not the first people to lose a husband or a son. (All the while, this person’s spouse is sitting right beside them and all of their children are alive and well.)

At the time I was so offended by the callousness of those words, I had to end the conversation or risk being rude. Since that day, I have recalled those words many times, and they have always managed to hit me wrong… up until this week.

This week I had one of those moments when I could say, “Yes… and…”

What is “Yes,and?” It is method I have used in meetings and training sessions when I want participants to feel comfortable offering ideas without worry of being made to feel dumb or silly.

It works like this – Whenever someone puts an idea “on the table,” whether the next person agrees or not, they are not allowed to judge or critique the previous idea. Instead, they may only add their idea to “the pile” by saying, “Yes, and… (fill in with another idea.)”

This has always been a great way to get a lot of thoughts and opinions out in the open without confrontation. Then, once all the ideas have been “safely” offered, the real conversation can begin as we add and mix all the ideas and come up with the best solution available… And all because a “safety zone” was created around the initial communication of ideas.

I can’t remember exactly what I was listening to when it hit me, but suddenly I realized…

I can still end any conversation if that is necessary. However, instead of being angry or frustrated when people say things that are hurtful, what if, instead, I responded in my heart with, “Yes and… (fill in with the reality and ideas).”

So right now… today… I want to go back to that conversation and turn it around. In my heart, I can hear it this way now…

Me: Yes, that is true… and because I am not the only one, I can now (3 years later) offer to walk beside someone who is new on this journey. Someone who is hurting, or lost, or angry… Whatever they are feeling, I am now able to come along beside them, either physically or by way of this blog and say, “I am here too. You are not alone. Let me walk beside you. Let me offer you comfort in knowing that you are not alone and together we can figure this out.”

Yes, and trust me when I say…

There is a peace that comes with acceptance,
And a love that is always remembered.
Linda, Sept. 2013

Yes, and… What about you? Are you struggling on this journey? Looking for another soul to walk beside you? OR are you at a point where you are ready to come along and walk beside another?

This is our virtual community. Let us reach out to another. Let us offer the support we know is needed on this journey… Let us not leave anyone to do this alone when there are so many of us out there.

To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Thank you.