“That’s not fair.”
If there was ever one phrase that each of us spoke at some point in our childhood, this has to be it (or at least in the top ten). I can remember saying it as a child and my mother’s response was usually a “life’s not fair”. So… when my kids were growing up, guess what my response was to them… Yep… “Life’s not fair.”
… And it isn’t. Life is just… life.
There isn’t always fairness in what life doles out nor reason to understand it. Life just is, and as we mature, we realize that ‘fairness in all things’ is a fairly childish notion. Yet… don’t we all still have those moments when we just want it to be fair, but it isn’t? It may be hard to admit, but aren’t there still times when we want (or even need) someone or something to step in and either make it fair or explain why this particular set of circumstances might be fair after all?
… I know I do… I may not vocalize it as such, but the child in me still wants things to be fair… for all of us… even when I am on the beneficial end of something unfair. I struggle with the idea that my “gain” may have come at the cost of someone else’s “loss”. Either way, I struggle to understand. I want to know why. I want to know how. Somehow, I seem to get stuck for a bit, because I truly need to understand.
But life doesn’t usually offer explanations…
When Bruce died, I truly struggled with all of that. We were both pretty young. It felt as if we had just started our life together. How did this make any sense at all? Why him? Why us? It just wasn’t fair, and I struggled for years to wrap my brain around it.
Years later, when I was diagnosed with cancer, a lot of those same feelings came up again. I was healthy. I worked out every day. I ate right and drank moderately. The doctors used to tell me that my only “contributing factor” was the fact that I am a woman. Period. That made no sense. That didn’t answer my questions. In fact, I had even more questions, like “how was I supposed to go through this without Bruce by my side?” Without him, I had to reach out for support (both emotional and physical) from family and friends… people who had their own families and lives to deal with. None of that seemed fair… to anyone.
Then, last year in August, I was part of an 11% RIF (reduction in force). After 17 years as a high preforming employee, I was laid off along with about 2400 people, which also included many of my friends. It felt so wrong. It hurt so bad. Through the shock and stumbling at the beginning and through the job searches that followed, I struggled with all the same questions – How did this become an acceptable business solution? Why was this the solution? Why me? Why any of us? It didn’t make sense… None of it made sense… especially when that company started hiring again within a month or so.
Then, this week, at my new company, there was a RIF… again. I was stunned. I didn’t understand. I still don’t understand. This time I wasn’t let go, but now I find myself questioning why am I still here and the others aren’t? Even after only a few short months, I wonder ‘why’. Why them? How is this going to help? It feels so wrong. It feels so unfair.
This morning, while discussing this latest RIF and all of the emotions I am feeling with someone I love dearly, (and who holds very different religious/spiritual views), they responded by saying, “Well, one day, the people who made these choices will pay for their greed. They will stand before God and be judged for these decisions. They will be held to account for this. Take solace in that.”
But I don’t take solace in that. There was a time when I did… I used to believe that. In fact, I used to (half-jokingly) say that I wanted to stand behind my ex when we “go for judgement”, because I thought that would be fair after all the things he did to our family. Yet somewhere along the way, I outgrew that. I don’t even believe in that, and I don’t wish him ill. Instead, I accept the truth of what was, and at the same time, pray for ‘peace of mind’ for each of us who were in that situation… I guess, somewhere along the way, I realized that is better… That is what we need – not more judgment or anger or negativity.
Also, this morning, in my devotions, the author talked about the Buddhist practice of non-attachment. I have heard of it before, but never really understood it… until today. The author explained that non-attachment is not apathy. It is not about “not caring”. It is about accepting things as they are… as is… no judgement. Then, in my conversation with our church’s spiritual director, she went even further… Non-attachment also means not being attached to a certain outcome. It means accepting what I can’t control. (Insert a deep sigh here for me when that sunk in.)
Many people say that there are certain lessons our souls need to learn in our time here on earth. If we don’t learn a lesson, then it will keep reappearing (in different forms) until we do… until we start paying attention and doing the hard work of learning and letting go… of trusting that the Divine has a hand in all of it… of understanding that the Divine is good… and wants nothing but good for us. Period.
So instead of focusing on what isn’t fair, maybe I need to hold out and remember that life isn’t over. There is more to come. This particular moment may be incredibly hard, and I may not have any control. Maybe I need to find my voice or make some type of change or readjustment…
However, in the end, it isn’t about “fair” at all, because the idea of “fairness” is born from fear – fear of something missing. So, do I still want things to be fair? Of course, I do! But instead of worrying about controlling that, maybe I spend my time learning to ‘be’… learning to accept ‘what is’… and remembering to live from that inner space of peace that expresses love and hope to a world that has more than its fair share of fear and judgement…
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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