Tag: life journey

Peace, Love and Grief… Where Life Takes Us

Time changes nothing on its own…
That is my job now.
This is a journey.
It is mine…
I must own it to survive it.
~ Linda, September 2013

This next week I will be traveling… heading to a spiritual retreat in GA. While normally I avoid being still for too long, this time I am looking forward to some down time – time to think and process without all the noise of daily life and routines. I know I am going to miss my family here and my home… And although this isn’t a long journey, I know that after a week, it will be a treat to return home.

This is the way life is…. filled with journeys – true journeys and metaphorical journeys. It is how we grow and learn and develop. It is how we discover new things about ourselves and how we expand our lives. In fact, when we suffer loss, what is it called? It is called a grief journey.

Like all other journeys, there is something to be learned, but unlike other journeys, I did not choose this one. It is not a path anyone would willingly take, but for those of us who find ourselves here, we didn’t have an option. In fact, now the only choices are to move forward or stand still. Many times along the way, I have hesitated, not quite willing to take the next step… Eventually, I do manage to take a breath and put one foot in front of the other… moving tentatively until I can get my bearings.

Life, itself, is a journey. It takes me where it will – sometimes there are choices and sometimes there is not… Some paths are scary, and others are absolutely amazing…

For Bruce and I, our journey started when we met while cruising in the Virgin Islands. Therefore, it only seemed fitting that throughout the years of our marriage, we did a lot of traveling. Like any journey, you learn a lot about a person when you travel with them. Bruce and I were no different.

We learned right away that traveling in a car together for any extended amount of time was not the best idea. Why? Well, Bruce did not snack at all while driving, and he liked it completely quiet. I, however, love to eat, drink, sing, talk, and play games. (In other words – I like to be entertained.)

I can remember a particular trip from Michigan to Alabama when I learned Bruce didn’t like opera. I was driving and he was napping (or trying to). So to fill the time, I sang opera the entire way. Guess who was not amused… Go figure! We both laughed about that one for years!

I have written several times about the night Bruce died. A few times, I mentioned the ride home from the hospital… alone. At the time, I remember thinking that this would be my life now… always coming home alone to no one. What I did not realize was the enormity of what that would entail. For years that was my life… And it was quite daunting. I can remember on many occasions sitting in the driveway in my car… Not wanting to walk inside to the overwhelming quiet that waited there for me.

The expanse of just how lonely this journey could be began to dawn on me in the early weeks after Bruce’s death. I would turn the corner and see Bruce’s truck still sitting there in the driveway. My first instinct was happiness and excitement. Bruce was home! Then, it would hit me full force, and I would remember… Bruce was not home; no one was home. The truck was still sitting there, because I hadn’t sold it yet.

However, months later after selling his truck, I learned that coming home still wasn’t any easier. In fact, even now there are days when I find myself wishing with all my heart that he would be there to greet me when I walk through the door. I no longer cry or breakdown, but I do secretly wish for all of this to be a dream… for him to be there waiting to greet me with a hug and a smile.

Flying together, however, was a different story. Those journeys were fantastic! We would always snuggle up. (Yes, we were that couple.) Sometimes, I would lay my head on his shoulder and snooze. Other times we would play games on his phone or share a set of headphones and listen to music together. For us, it didn’t matter what we did; what was important was the time spent together. It was our journey… together.

This last year, I found myself on another journey… Learning to manage the path of cancer was hard, and while I had some absolutely fantastic people by my side the whole way, traveling that path without Bruce by my side was the hardest part.

Thankfully, I am blessed to still live this space that was ours. This space where I can still feel Bruce’s presence all around me. Perhaps it sounds silly, but the comfort this space has brought me this past year felt a little like coming full circle on this journey.

I guess what I am saying is we have no control on where life takes us… Sure we make choices, but we don’t control the whole picture… We can’t foresee the bends and turns in the path ahead. In fact, the best we can do is to look for the blessings and be thankful for them, love the people around us and find comfort in the simple things life offers… And while I still trip up sometimes, that has become my goal… my way of moving forward through this journey.

I have learned a lot on this grief journey so far. At first, I was so angry, I was resistant to learning anything. What in the world did I need to learn alone that I couldn’t learn with Bruce by my side? However, in time I have come to learn that isn’t the point. It wasn’t about Bruce and I being together until the end of our lives. Instead, it was about us being together and loving each other until the end of his life. I know we will be together again one day, but my life isn’t over.

My journey of love with Bruce taught me so much… My journey of grief has also taught me a lot, and Bruce still gets credit for that. Why? Because when he died, he left a beautiful legacy in his wake.

I constantly find myself trying to learn more about who he was and what made him tick by experiencing all the things I took for granted while he was here. I love to read his “go-to” books, listen to his music and try doing the things he enjoyed. I love finding notes he scribbled in the margins of books, on cards or just scraps of paper tucked inside something.

The funny part is while I am doing all those things, in my quest to understand him, I usually end up learning so much more about myself. I have learned that there is still so much more out there for me. As long as I have breath, l have a purpose… Without a doubt, I know I still have so much to learn and so much more to give back wherever life should take me…

What about you? Where are you on your journey? Where has life taken you? What have you learned? We all know this journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *
Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… A Journey is a Journey is a Journey

They call it a “grief journey,” but isn’t it really my same life journey with a turn I didn’t expect? My initial reaction is fear that I am lost… This was a wrong turn. But in time, I will get my bearings and keep moving forward…
~ Linda, September 2013

A “grief journey” … That’s what they call it… And honestly, it’s not a bad descriptor. Still… A journey is a journey is a journey… And life is a journey. It’s fine to divide it up into parts, but when all is said and done, it is all a journey.

Bruce’s sister wrote her second blog post this weekend, which touched my soul, Not Dead So Far. It is about her journey and growing older… As I read it, even though our lives are very different, I could relate to so much she had to say, which was basically – life is a journey… And if you’re still here, it ain’t over, yet, so keep going!

It’s funny, but that was only a recap of what I was already thinking…

I spent this last weekend camping in Stone Mountain, GA, outside Atlanta. Because we lived in this town for well over a decade, my daughter has a lot of memories here that she wanted to share with her son. So needless to say, we packed a lot of life into just a few days… We visited museums and aquariums, where her son loved the same exhibits she had loved as a child.

The majority of the weekend, though, was spent in Stone Mountain Park, a place we visited at least once a month when my kids were growing up… And despite the turmoil in our family back then, the days spent there hold nothing but fun memories for us.

In fact, one of the best memories that we couldn’t wait to share with my grandson was climbing that crazy mountain!

We had been talking about it for weeks… Trying to explain to my grandson about the mountain… That it is nothing more than a huge rock… A piece of granite that protrudes 1683 feet above sea level (give or take a few feet), and the trail up was “only” one mile.

We started at the base of the mountain early in the morning, laughing as we went. My grandson ran from one rock formation to the next, pointing out everything he saw with the excitement that only a nine-year-old boy can muster. His mother and l laughed watching him, telling him to explore as much as he wanted as long as he stayed within eyesight… We also threw in a little bit of advice to pace himself (although we both knew that landed on deaf ears). LOL!

Just like life, the first part of the journey was a gentle upward slope. There were some spots where the footing was a little precarious, but nothing major. We took breaks and helped each other as needed. Halfway up there was a shelter with benches, and we stopped for a quick protein snack, before starting the second half of the journey.

Freshly energized and ready to tackle what lay ahead, we started out again. However, the second half of the journey was much steeper… So steep, in fact, there were hand rails in some sections, and where there weren’t rails, it wasn’t unusual to see people crawling up on all fours to maintain their balance.

At this point, my grandson who has recently decided he doesn’t like heights, started slowing down… anxiety written on his face. His mother smiled, took his hand, and made him an offer no boy can refuse… A “secret” adventure…

This was the point, where as children, my kids would break away from the well-traveled path and crawl through a series of “caves.” (They are really just rock formations, but “caves” sounds way cooler!) He was all about it! After all, a journey is a journey, but a little bit of adventure always makes for a better journey!

Before too long, the three of us met back up at the top, so proud of what we had accomplished. As we stood at the top, cheering on those around us who were just arriving, what we observed is worth noting…

There were people who were proud of what they had just done, and others were didn’t really find it a challenge at all. There were people laughing and cheering on others, and just as many complaining about the path they had just completed. There were people taking pictures and looking in awe at the fabulous view all around us, and others who only wanted to purchase a ticket, so they could ride back down and avoid that downhill trek.

As for us, after about an hour or so of exploring the top, taking in the different views, buying our “I climbed Stone Mountain” T-shirts, and finding our campsite down below, we decided to make the trek back down the mountain, thinking “down” would be much easier than “up.”

But just like life… A journey is a journey is a journey… And the “down” journey held its own challenges.

First of all, there was gravel all over the mountain which had helped going up, but not so much going down… I am pretty sure we each found ourselves on our bottoms more than once. There were some parts that were so steep, I found myself hanging onto tree branches, my daughter’s shoulder or my grandson’s hand… whatever was offered or available.

Approximately three and a half hours after we started, we were back at the bottom… exhausted… and proud! WE HAD DONE IT!

We had each accomplished something – my grandson faced his fear of heights, my daughter stepped back into her childhood and smiled at the memories, and after a year of fighting cancer, I faced and conquered a huge physical challenge, when I wasn’t sure I had the stamina to do it!

It was quite the adventure, and as we drove away, all I could think about is how that journey up and down the mountain is just like life… While I might call my journey a “grief journey,” I guess all of life is a journey. In fact, it’s a journey that holds different challenges for each of us…

It is up to us how we face those challenges… We can face the challenges head on and cheer on those around us, or we can look for a way to avoid them. In other words, our life is what we make of it… it’s how we choose to make the journey that determines how we live and who we are…

How do I live without your love?
One breath at a time…
~ Linda, December 2013

What about you? Where are you on your journey? Are you on the gentle slope? Are you on all fours crawling just to make it to the top? Do you need to rest or do you some support? If so, you’re not alone… We all know this journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. * Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Grateful?

“There is a great richness in your daily life, just as it is, waiting for you to celebrate it… Give yourself a reminder to be thankful. Create a sign that reads, ‘I am grateful for this moment.” ~ Miriam Hathaway, Simply Grateful: A Journal to Reflect on the Good Things in Life

Over the past month or so, I have shared my latest twist in this life journey – my breast cancer diagnosis. It came as quite a shock since the only risk factor I have is the fact that I am female. So, I guess, I should also admit, it made me angry. For most of my life, I have taken care of myself – exercised, eaten right, didn’t over-indulge. The idea (okay, reality) that I have breast cancer seemed so wrong! And to have to do it without Bruce here – to feel like I was facing it alone – just seemed even worse.

I kept reading all these articles and blogs about people who learned some “great spiritual truth” because of their bout with cancer. When I confided my fear with someone else who had gone through cancer alone, they told me they had nothing but “good days and better days” throughout their journey. (Seriously??) Then, to top it off, I was constantly being told, “You will be fine… Just stay positive.”

I know it is good to be positive. I know my own thoughts create my experience. I know how to “fake it till I make it.” But to be honest… I also need to be able to feel all my feelings… And not all of my feelings are positive ones… That is my truth.

So, I was mad about the diagnosis, scared about the treatment, struggling to find a doctor I trusted and terrified to do this without Bruce. I (finally) found a cancer center with fabulous care. But, I had no choice about the rest – I just had to keep moving forward.

About a week before my surgery, I received a package from my team at work. We are scattered all over the U.S., so it took a lot of coordination, determination, and caring for them to get this together. It was a “care bag” for me to take to my treatments. It included all kinds of things, such as a blanket, coloring book, lotion, lip balm, etc… But the thing that terrified me was a journal.

I know… That’s kind of weird because I have been journaling since Bruce died. I love doing it! Journaling has been some of the best healing therapy I have experienced (and it’s free). But this particular journal was entitled, “Simply Grateful: A Journal to Reflect on the Good Things in Life.”

Hmmm… grateful? Can’t say I was feeling any of that!

So, when I packed up to leave for my surgery, I took my care bag without the journal. Then… at the last minute, I threw it back in. Who knew? Maybe all these positive life lessons would “hit me,” and I’d be ready to write.

Let me just say… That didn’t happen either.

Instead, I returned home after a couple of days, feeling tired, in pain and frustrated with how everything looked… In my journal, I wrote:

“Hi Babe! I did it! I was terrified, but I did it. The pain isn’t too bad, I guess (still taking pain meds though)… I don’t know what I expected, but I’m exhausted. It hurts when I touch it or move around too much, but I can handle that part. The hard part is how it looks. (I know, I’m being vain.) But I don’t think I would even want you to see this… I can’t even stand to look at myself. I know I need to give it time – time to heal – but I HATE it! I hate the way it looks. I know it could be worse, but that doesn’t make this good…. But, I guess, this is my body… It is what it is… I can’t change it, and I can’t fix it… For the first time since you died, I’m glad you’re not here – not here to see this… to see me.”

Nope… Grateful was not what I was feeling.

However, within a few days, as the entirety of what has happened, and the outcome of the surgery began to dawn on me, I realized I needed to pull myself out of this… But how? Then, I remembered… I went to my bag and dug deep… There it was – tucked in the bottom – that “crazy” Simply Grateful journal.

I opened it up and on the first journaling page it read, “Today, I am grateful for….” Followed by three blank pages. Then, one line, “’You are only one thought away from a good feeling.’ ~ Sheila Krystal” So, I started writing – listing each thing I could think of to be grateful for. Before I knew it, I had managed to fill a whole page. Three days later, I came back and filled another one. And a few more days after that, I filled the third.

There were things to be grateful for… I just had to look around… look up… I had to make myself stop looking at all that was wrong and start looking at all that was right. I won’t say it is easy… At least, it hasn’t been for me. I’m still a bit pissed about this whole thing… And it still hurts… And I’m still tired and bruised and swollen… and (I must remind myself) healing. Then, I also remind myself, there are a lot of women who haven’t gotten this far… I am one of the really lucky ones.

So far, this is where I am: I haven’t learned any great, spiritual truths… Nor am I positive all the time. I’m just me… feeling what I feel and working to remain grateful for what is…

Friday:
“Hi Babe! Doing a little better each day… It is not healing as quickly as I anticipated – still sore, bruised and tired. I cry for you (a lot)… I still miss you so much… This breast cancer thing is hard and scary without you. Sorry, I’m trying so hard to stay up… Stay positive… but some days are harder than others. So, I’m working on being grateful for what is… Grateful for each moment… Because, after all, that’s all we’ve really got.”

Everyone deals with loss, grief and life in their own way. Sometimes new trauma is that much harder to handle simply because they aren’t beside us… It can feel lonely and overwhelming. That is how I have felt since being diagnosed with cancer. I know my thoughts create my experience, so I am working to keep those positive. But then again, life isn’t just positive stuff… Sometimes it is made up of stuff we would rather not face – losing Bruce, this cancer thing… I just need to remember – I am not alone… and neither are you.

Maybe something in this feels familiar… Perhaps you too have experienced something similar. If so, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Recalculating

They call it a grief journey,
But isn’t it really just my life journey
With a turn I didn’t expect?
My initial reaction is fear that I am lost;
This was a wrong turn.
But in time,
I know I will get my bearings
And keep moving forward.
~ Linda, September 2013

I don’t know if there is anyone else out there who still uses an old-fashioned GPS system. You know… The kind the sits on the dash versus using your phone. Well, I do… (I can’t really say why, except it is what I prefer.) If you know what I am talking about, then you may also remember what happens when you fail to follow its directions…

First, it will try to direct you to turn around… For example, “In 100 yards, make a U-turn.” The thing is when this usually happens, it is because I am choosing to go a different way. So, when I also fail to make the required U-turn, it will start saying, “Recalculating, Recalculating,” as it tries to find a new way to reach the intended destination.

Not too long ago, on a trip to NC, I plugged the address to the hotel into the contraption incorrectly. I simply transposed two letters. And wouldn’t you know it, both roads exist in this town. After driving further and further in what felt like the wrong direction, I found myself in a very dark, scary part of the town. It was late at night and everything was closed.

Looking around for a place that seems well lit, I decided to turn around and pull into a grocery store parking lot to get my bearings. Of course, my GPS immediately started insisting that I turn around and resume my journey. By the time I finally parked under one of the parking lot lamps, it seemed to be in a panic. It couldn’t seem to find the direction of my car in relation to the roads, as the voice kept “screaming” at me, “RECALCULATING! RECALCULATING!”

I sat there for a few minutes, crying in frustration (and probably a little fear), as I tried to figure out where I was, where I wanted to be, and why I was heading in the (now obviously) wrong direction. For the record, I ended up calling for help, and eventually found my hotel. But, that’s not why I am relaying this story.

Later, when I was thinking about what had happened, it dawned on me what a perfect metaphor for grief!

When Bruce was alive, we were both content and happy. Life was going the way we thought it should. Don’t get me wrong, life wasn’t perfect. Like anyone else, we had the occasional “lane change” or “unexpected turn,” but it was never anything we couldn’t manage together. For example, there was the time Bruce’s company closed unexpectedly, and he was suddenly unemployed. Or the multiple times, my X would decide to do his “stalking/harassing” thing. Or the inevitable crises that are a part of raising teenagers. (And the list goes on…)

But, when Bruce passed away, it was as if my life had taken a path of its own. I found myself begging the universe/God (or whatever word you want to use) to turn back around! I wanted my old life back! This was not the direction I wanted to travel.

It didn’t take long for me to realize there was no turning back. That was when I felt completely lost. I didn’t know which way to go… I could almost hear myself shouting “Recalculating,” as I struggled to get my bearings.

As time passed, I learned to reach out for help in many ways and with various people. Over time, life has found a new path… It is calmer, mostly because I have learned to “go with it” rather than fight it. But it’s not the path I would have chosen. I guess, this is what is called my “new normal.”

However, I know this isn’t the end of the journey. While I have no idea what the road ahead will hold, I am sure there will be more unexpected turns and twists… I am also just as sure each new day will find me hovering on the cusp of a new adventure and/or a new beginning… And while there are still days when I am simply not up for it, I know ultimately, it is up to me to decide how to look it.

Each of us dealing with loss knows what a tough road this can be. Even if you are realistic enough to know one day you will be on this journey, it is never an easy one to accept. I know some days are easier than others, and I can’t let myself give up on the tough days. Still… there are days when I would give anything to make a U-turn and go back to what we used to have. Have you ever felt that way? Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… The Search for Real Peace

There seems to be so many obstacles and things to learn in this journey called life… And when your life journey includes a grief journey, things really change. The obstacles change and there are new things to learn that you never even thought of before. For me however, whatever the obstacle or lesson, finding some kind of peace seems to always be at the core… And the hardest part of that can be determining if that peace is real peace, or if it is something else simply masquerading as peace.

Do you know what do I mean?

In past blogs, I have written about things people have said or done. Some things are positive… They are incredibly helpful, healing and create a sense of peace. Other things, however, aren’t helpful at all… They leave me feeling like I am less than a person – These things are not healing, and do not create a sense of peace.

Why is that? I believe it is due to several factors…

I think some of it is because people don’t know what to say or do when someone they care about is grieving. I sincerely believe (most of the time) people’s hearts are in the right place, but without any personal experience, they rely on “Hollywood” or what they have heard others say. While they mean well, they don’t realize how absolutely hollow many of those words and phrases are.

There are also those who may or may not have any personal experience with loss. (However, for them, that really doesn’t matter.) Either way, they are convinced they have the answers. According to them, if I would just do as they say, I would “get over it”… And when I don’t, they push even harder. I want to believe they mean well, but I wish they could understand their answers aren’t necessarily my answers.

Then, there is my part in all of this… I know I am a passive communicator. In my soul, I just want everyone to get along, so I tend to bite my tongue – not speaking up or being honest about how some of these words and actions affect me. However, while I might convince myself I am “keeping the peace,” it is a false sense of peace… Because in actuality, there is no peace within that space.

I think one of the biggest things I have learned on this journey is there are two kinds of peace…

First, there is the fake peace created when I don’t speak up. True – there is no conflict… at least not externally. However, in my heart, there is great conflict and hurt. There is a feeling of being “squelched” or put down… A feeling of being less than who I really am. There is also a fear here that if I am honest and speak up for myself, I will no longer be loved. I call this “fake peace,” because it is a mask… It is not real, and it is not healing in any sense of the word.

Real peace, however, is completely different… This is found in the relationships where I know I can be honest… and still be loved. This is the space where I feel heard and understood, and which allows me to listen and understand others, as well. In this space, there is no one with “power” over the other, because no one is perceived as weak. Because there is an understanding of what is sacred within each of us, we are able to find a commonality that strengthens and heals…

In other words, when there is real peace… There is also hope… and that is where the healing can start to happen.

There is a peace that comes with acceptance,
And a love that is always remembered.
~ Linda, September 2013

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way… and we each have our own lessons we must learn. Have you ever found yourself wondering what happened to listening and being compassionate toward one another? Have you ever doubted your own value in this world? If so, would you be willing to share your experience, there may be someone else out there who needs to hear it. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.