Peace, Love and Grief… Recalculating

They call it a grief journey,
But isn’t it really just my life journey
With a turn I didn’t expect?
My initial reaction is fear that I am lost;
This was a wrong turn.
But in time,
I know I will get my bearings
And keep moving forward.
~ Linda, September 2013

I don’t know if there is anyone else out there who still uses an old-fashioned GPS system. You know… The kind the sits on the dash versus using your phone. Well, I do… (I can’t really say why, except it is what I prefer.) If you know what I am talking about, then you may also remember what happens when you fail to follow its directions…

First, it will try to direct you to turn around… For example, “In 100 yards, make a U-turn.” The thing is when this usually happens, it is because I am choosing to go a different way. So, when I also fail to make the required U-turn, it will start saying, “Recalculating, Recalculating,” as it tries to find a new way to reach the intended destination.

Not too long ago, on a trip to NC, I plugged the address to the hotel into the contraption incorrectly. I simply transposed two letters. And wouldn’t you know it, both roads exist in this town. After driving further and further in what felt like the wrong direction, I found myself in a very dark, scary part of the town. It was late at night and everything was closed.

Looking around for a place that seems well lit, I decided to turn around and pull into a grocery store parking lot to get my bearings. Of course, my GPS immediately started insisting that I turn around and resume my journey. By the time I finally parked under one of the parking lot lamps, it seemed to be in a panic. It couldn’t seem to find the direction of my car in relation to the roads, as the voice kept “screaming” at me, “RECALCULATING! RECALCULATING!”

I sat there for a few minutes, crying in frustration (and probably a little fear), as I tried to figure out where I was, where I wanted to be, and why I was heading in the (now obviously) wrong direction. For the record, I ended up calling for help, and eventually found my hotel. But, that’s not why I am relaying this story.

Later, when I was thinking about what had happened, it dawned on me what a perfect metaphor for grief!

When Bruce was alive, we were both content and happy. Life was going the way we thought it should. Don’t get me wrong, life wasn’t perfect. Like anyone else, we had the occasional “lane change” or “unexpected turn,” but it was never anything we couldn’t manage together. For example, there was the time Bruce’s company closed unexpectedly, and he was suddenly unemployed. Or the multiple times, my X would decide to do his “stalking/harassing” thing. Or the inevitable crises that are a part of raising teenagers. (And the list goes on…)

But, when Bruce passed away, it was as if my life had taken a path of its own. I found myself begging the universe/God (or whatever word you want to use) to turn back around! I wanted my old life back! This was not the direction I wanted to travel.

It didn’t take long for me to realize there was no turning back. That was when I felt completely lost. I didn’t know which way to go… I could almost hear myself shouting “Recalculating,” as I struggled to get my bearings.

As time passed, I learned to reach out for help in many ways and with various people. Over time, life has found a new path… It is calmer, mostly because I have learned to “go with it” rather than fight it. But it’s not the path I would have chosen. I guess, this is what is called my “new normal.”

However, I know this isn’t the end of the journey. While I have no idea what the road ahead will hold, I am sure there will be more unexpected turns and twists… I am also just as sure each new day will find me hovering on the cusp of a new adventure and/or a new beginning… And while there are still days when I am simply not up for it, I know ultimately, it is up to me to decide how to look it.

Each of us dealing with loss knows what a tough road this can be. Even if you are realistic enough to know one day you will be on this journey, it is never an easy one to accept. I know some days are easier than others, and I can’t let myself give up on the tough days. Still… there are days when I would give anything to make a U-turn and go back to what we used to have. Have you ever felt that way? Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Published by

Linda

Hi! I am Linda. On January 12, 2013, my husband, Bruce passed away in the wee hours of the morning. It was completely unexpected and threw me into a complete tailspin. I wandered aimlessly for months until I met a fabulous Life Coach who turned my life around. On January 1, 2015, while visiting with long-ago friend, I decided that this year would be different. 2015 became my year of "Celebration, Creation and Contribution." On January 12, 2015 (exactly 2 years after losing my husband), I posted my first blog on this site. My purpose is to create a virtual loss/grief support group. If this site fills a need for you or someone you know, please join us and add your comments. Let's make this our community...

2 thoughts on “Peace, Love and Grief… Recalculating”

  1. I have been on my grief journey for almost 4 years. Today would have been Greg’s 55th birthday. Yes, we weren’t perfect, but we were perfect for each other. His sudden one & only heart attach left me a 49 yr old widow of three sons 20, 18, & 14. NOBODY chooses that path freely. I miss being happy, unexpectedly having the wind sucked out of my lungs from laughter. I love my sons and they keep me busy, they are like Greg in so many ways. But for sure, his death changed all of our trajectories in life. Finding my happy place as a widow has been an ongoing learning curve. There are so many “recalculating” moments. I just keep remembering life is short, and this too shall pass quickly.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *