I never thought I would live without you…
But I do.
I never thought I would spend the holidays alone…
But I have.
I never thought I would celebrate life’s joys alone…
But I will.
I don’t know what I am supposed to learn from all of this…
But I keep searching…
There must be something…
I just need to find it.
~ Linda, 2013
We have a great Mexican restaurant in our town. The food is always fresh, and the servers are attentive and hard-working. In my experience, the only drawback seems to be language barriers. Between my Spanish and their English, we can usually understand each other. However, there have been times when I what ordered and what I received were two different things.
Obviously, I can’t say this is the only restaurant where this has happened, because I’m sure if you have ever eaten out, you too have experienced something similar. Over my lifetime, it has happened many times and in many places. I’ll also admit, if it looks okay or it’s not a major difference, I won’t usually say anything – I’ll just go ahead and eat it. (Although, in the back of my mind, I can’t help but think it wasn’t what I ordered.) However, if it isn’t at all to my taste, whether it is good or bad is irrelevant. At that point, I’ll usually let them know it wasn’t what I ordered…
So, either way, I guess that is bottom line… Good or bad… When it isn’t what I ordered, there is disappointment on some level, .
When I was thinking about this the other day, I couldn’t help but compare this to my life right now.
People will ask me how I’m doing or make a comment about how much “better” I’m doing… And all I can think is they have no idea. This grief thing is not a positive vs negative thing… It’s not about feeling better today than I did yesterday about losing Bruce, nor is it about healing… That’s all crap!
I will always miss Bruce. I will always wish he were still here beside me. There really isn’t anything positive to feel here. Instead, when they ask me, I find myself thinking, “This isn’t what I thought my life was going to be. This isn’t what we had planned.” In other words, “This isn’t what I ordered!”
But that isn’t what I say… Because unlike my restaurant experiences, it doesn’t matter if I like this or not… Or if I can make do or not. I don’t have the option of sending this back and getting what I wanted. Instead, I simply have keep on going and learn to live with it…
However, this is where my choice to be positive or negative kicks in.
This is where I have to decide how I want to experience the rest of my life… Do I want to live my life in bitterness and frustration over what isn’t? Or do I want to live my life focusing on the (sometimes hidden) blessings of each day?
Admittedly, some days are harder than others. I don’t reprimand myself for those days… I let myself feel what I feel. Those emotions are valid and need to be addressed. However, I also don’t want that to be my primary outlook on life.
Instead, remembering to find the blessings of each day is my goal. Reminding myself that the river doesn’t try to push the rocks out of its way, but instead, flows around them… This is my goal, and I know I have to do it one day at a time. So, each morning, I pray that “Just for today, I will appreciate my blessings.”
This is my way of remembering that life is made up of both positive and negative… It is what I choose to focus on, that will determine my outlook… And that is a day by day, moment by moment experience.
“Don’t run from negative or to positive – both are a part of life.” ~ Dr. Susan Delaney
Each of us dealing with loss knows what a tough road this can be. I don’t think it is ever an easy one to accept. It’s not what we planned or what we wanted. I know finding the blessings in life can be easier some days than others, but I can’t let myself give up… even on the tough days. Have you ever felt that way? Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *
Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.
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