Note: As you may have noticed, there was no post last week. I was spending the weekend with one of Bruce’s sisters. It was such a wonderful, healing time for both of us… And as we all know, time with loved ones is precious and something to be savored.
These last two weeks have brought a lot of perspective and healing in the on-going saga of “He Knew”. Here is the final outcome…
Dear Babe,
I have taken the past couple of weeks to really think about this whole situation of you knowing that you were dying but choosing not to tell me… Taking away any choices or preparation that could have made a difference… at least for me.
I have been so angry, which is ridiculous. Who gets mad at a dead man? But I was… Please notice the “was”. I’m not angry anymore. Instead, I’m sorry and here’s why…
First, I truly believe that you thought you were saving me some kind of pain… And, yes, I would have cried and grieved from the moment you told me. I might have even been mad that you were choosing to not even try. I would like to think that eventually I would have respected your choice, because it really was your choice. In fact, I have always suspected and in my heart, I always knew that you would not have had a heart transplant. You wouldn’t have ever wanted that… I know that. I accept that.
Second… I think I am a big part of the reason you didn’t tell me, (and not just for the reasons above). Truthfully, I owe you an apology. When we were married, I constantly called you “my hero”, and you were. You changed my life and my kids’ lives in such a positive way. You showed us all what love really looks like… what a healthy marriage looks like… what a healthy man looks like. So, for us, you really were our hero.
However, by constantly stating this, I think I made you feel like you couldn’t just be human – fully and completely. After all, I would bet you felt that a hero shouldn’t ever need to lean on anyone else, preventing you from ever sharing the things that were hurting you.
I hate that. I hate that I did that. I am so sorry for taking our relationship – something precious and beautiful – and creating an imbalance where you likely felt that you had to carry it all. That was wrong. It was unfair. We fell in love on even ground, and somewhere along the line, I tilted it all and unknowingly had you carrying more than your fair share… to the point that you felt you had to carry this load alone.
I am so sorry for doing that to you. I am so sorry for doing that to us.
Then, since you died, I have slowly, over time, turned you into a saint… Someone perfect… Someone who was not allowed to have any flaws. You really were wonderful… but you weren’t a saint. You were a human man with emotions… and struggles… … and opportunities. But the last decade, I took all of that away and changed your story… And that wasn’t fair to you or to me.
So when I learned that you knew… for over a year… that you were dying and chose not to tell me, I couldn’t make that version of you fit with the “saint” I had created… And the absolute anger behind all of that, I believe, was fueled by fear as much as anything else.
I have spent the last two weeks, deconstructing the saint and RE-contructing the man… The man I fell in love with… The man who loved me and showed me what unconditional love truly is.
These last few weeks, I have been honest in my memories – remembering the good times and being painfully honest about the hard times, because it took all of those experiences to create the strength we carried together.
I really am sorry if I made you feel like you had to carry this whole thing alone. I never meant to do that. If I could change it, I would… but I can’t. Instead, I can honor your memory by being honest about who you were and the struggles you fought your way through… All of the experiences that made you the wonderful man I love.
I love you, Babe… All of you, especially the human you😊… and that really is always and forever…
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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