Month: September 2026

Peace, Love, and Grief – Secrets (Part 1)

Many of the things I am going to write about today (and next week), I have mentioned before. However, not in this amount of detail and definitely not put together like this.

When does being a private person cross the line into keeping secrets? Let’s talk about it and see where we land. I know the saying “Dead men tell no tales.” However, I would also say that ‘dead men keep no secrets’…

When Bruce and I were dating, one of our only real arguments happened because he lied to me. I knew immediately he was lying and called him out on it. He owned it at that point, and I let him know that lying was the one thing I couldn’t tolerate. I may not always like what I hear, but nothing can be fixed or understood if it is covered in a lie. I told him then that I would walk away if he ever lied to me again… At the very least, we both deserved the respect of the truth between us.

He agreed and apologized… As far as I knew, he never lied to me again. However, there was another dimension to this.

When we met, I knew right away that he was a very private person. If I had a question, I was free to ask; he was never offended. However, I quickly learned that he was not going to answer if he didn’t want to… He would open up to me eventually, but only in his own time and in his own way. For example, we were already engaged before he finally shared that he was on medication for high blood pressure and avoided certain foods and beverages because of it.

He didn’t make a big deal of it, and I didn’t either. I knew he always had a thorough annual physical, because of his job. Plus, he was very health conscious – working out, watching what he ate, getting a good night’s sleep, taking his vitamins… You name it, he did it. (Granted, he loved his beer, but I love my wine… and if you have ever spent a winter in Michigan, that is completely understandable. LOL) Overall, we were both on the same page when it came to taking care of oneself.

Fast forward to the year we moved down here to Florida for my job. We were both excited to live in the Sunshine State where (compared to Michigan” it would be summer year-round. We agreed to live in an apartment for the first year, while we sold our condo in Michigan, Bruce found a job here, and we got a feel for where we might want to live.

Bruce found a job within about six months, and life moved on. When he went for his annual physical that year, we both had some concerns about things we had begun to notice… little things… You know… those things that you are not sure if they are a symptom of something wrong or just a sign of growing older. I remember the doctor ordering several tests, but Bruce never shared what kind of tests they were. As usual, I left that in his hands, trusting that he would share when he was ready.

On the day when he went to discuss the results with the doctor, he reported back that she had told Bruce to “just keep doing what you’re doing.” (And yes, that is the exact quote he gave me.) I shook my head… “You’re lying,” I accused.

“I’m not,” he laughed… And so, that night we toasted to his good health.

A few days later, he brought up the idea of starting to look for a house. Our lease would be up in a month or so, and we needed to make some decisions about where we wanted to settle down. We both wanted to be near the beach but struggled to agree on which town. I remember one night he came home very excited. He had found a little coastal town where the houses were affordable, and our commutes to work would be about the same. That weekend, we drove out to this little coastal town, fell in love, and within a few months, we were moving in.

It was fun and exciting to have a place that truly felt like it was ours. At that time, he was off on Thursdays and Sundays, while I had a traditional schedule with Saturdays and Sundays off. We both tended to use Thursdays and Saturdays, to do some work around the house and to do some fun things on our own. Then, Sundays were our sacred time, because we were together, and we spent the day playing.

I remember one Thursday night after I came home, he made a comment that the dishes from the night before were still in the sink. Now, please understand that we had organically divided the household chores from the start. When it came to the kitchen, he unloaded the dishwasher and I loaded it. If there was handwashing to do, that was negotiable.

So, for me, there were two things wrong with the comment he made, and I let him know… 1. The dishes were still in the sink, because he had not emptied the dishwasher for me to reload it. 2. He had been home all day, and could have emptied it at some point, and even reloaded it if it bothered him that much.

His response, “Do you really think it’s fair that I should spend my day off, doing work around the house?”

I almost lost it… “Yes, I do! What do you think I am doing on my day off? We both work full time, and we are both capable of doing things around the house.”

He immediately apologized, and I immediately told him that if he wanted… and if we were careful to budget… I didn’t mind if he retired early, while I continued to work. I knew he wasn’t thrilled with his job, while I loved mine. Then, he would have plenty of alone time to putter around the house or play. While I know the idea was tempting, he never left his job.

There were things over the next several months that happened, but I wasn’t really paying attention… And even when I did notice, they seemed like little things… Things he would share when he was ready.

For example, he worked out less and less until after a few months, he was only going to the gym once a week and to only work his arms or legs… no cardio…no core. Strange, but definitely his choice. Sometimes while watching TV, I would notice him massaging his chest, but when I asked if he was alright, he would smile and say something about not realizing he was doing that.

These were the subtle signs of what was coming, but I had no idea. I wasn’t expecting him to die, so I definitely wasn’t looking for the signs. I simply took him at his word.

Then, that awful night happened… I woke up in the middle of the night, called 911, did CPR, and watched Bruce die in my arms despite everything. I have spent years in therapy processing the trauma of failing him in that moment… Learning to live with the fact that the one time he needed me, I failed… As I’m sure you can tell, I can still fall down into the rabbit hole of depression when I think about it for too long. I don’t think that will ever completely go away…

(To be continued next week)
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – More Myths

Last week, we talked about a couple of myths pertaining to grief. Today, I want to talk about a couple more… Things that society tells us are true, and while they may be true for some people, they have not been true for me. So, these are not about judging those people who find these helpful. It is meant to be a few words of support for those of us who do not find these helpful.

The first one is the idea that we can simply “replace” the loss. I know a lot of us may have learned this in childhood when we had a pet. I’m not saying that is good or bad. I am simply saying that it is not the best solution for everyone.

For me, love of any kind is not a switch that can be turned on or off at will… and grief for that loss is not something that I have ever been able to pretend wasn’t there. Instead, I believe that our grief is our heart’s way of speaking to us and guiding us through a difficult experience.

I remember after I lost my son at 20 weeks’ gestation. So many people were quick to say, “you’ll have more,” as if one child could ever replace another. That seems ridiculous to me. Granted, I did go on to have four more children. However, each one is their own person with their own personality and dreams. Of course, little Matthew was not replaced by one of them. For me, I have five very separate and distinct children. (period)

It is the same with the loss of Bruce. Within no time, I was being encouraged to move on and find someone else. For the first several years, the pressure to date and find a new romantic interest was overwhelming. I hated letting people down, but I couldn’t do it.

The thing is… I still love Bruce. I can’t turn it off… It just is. Also, the funny thing is, when we met, neither of us were looking for anyone. We were both quite content to remain single. In fact, he and I both had a “I’ll-never-marry-again” mindset due to such hard marriages the first time… But life had a different idea. Our love just happened… It wasn’t something either of us were actively searching for.

So, my point is not that a person shouldn’t fall in love again. Obviously, that is up to each individual. My point is that “moving on”, especially right away, may not be for everyone, and the world needs to be okay with that – let it be the individual’s choice when (and if) they decide they want to do that. Otherwise, are we really looking for love… or is society trying to get us to find a distraction from our grief?

Which leads me to the next one… “Keep busy.” I actually did a lot of this. I went back to work almost right away. Honestly, I was too scared of what I might do if I spent too much time alone, sitting here in our home with endless reminders of what I had just lost. I started working longer hours, running for longer lengths of time, going and doing… anything to avoid the quiet in our home that felt overwhelmingly oppressive.

Honestly, it wasn’t until I finally slowed down enough to start processing my grief and all the emotions I was feeling that I finally started to heal. For me, “being busy” was a distraction. (Just like the one I mentioned before.) It was my way of surviving what felt un-survivable. However, it really wasn’t helpful and it didn’t help me heal. All I ended up doing was avoiding the hard work of grief – the work I needed to do to actually start to heal.

As I said last week…

There are a lot of myths about grief and death… and most of them are based on ideas or behaviors that actually do the opposite of what they are intended to do. Whether we try to replace the loss or simply stay busy to avoid thinking about it, it is still nothing more than a distraction. It is like starting a fire in the closet and closing the door. The fire is not going to go out. Eventually, it is going to burst out of the closet and be bigger and stronger than if we simply taken care of it to begin with.

… And that is my wish again this week… That we all feel free to grieve as we need to… and to acknowledge and respect the grief process without adding silly rules that aren’t helpful for anyone.
____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – It’s a Myth

What is a myth? According to the dictionary, a myth is “a traditional story” or “a widely held but false belief or idea”. For what we are talking about today either definition works. In fact, whether you are the person grieving or the person offering support, there are a couple of “grief myths” that I want to address today.

The first one is the age-old notion of “being strong for others”. I know that about a month or so after Bruce died, I started hearing that I needed to appear strong for the people around. I heard how upsetting it was to see my hurt or pain, and that I had a responsibility to be strong for those people.

Can I just say how absolutely unhealthy that advice was?!

I understand that it is hard to watch someone you care about go through something painful… To know they are hurting, but to have absolutely no idea if or how you can help. I get it. As many of you, I have been in both positions… And the crazy thing is, we tell ourselves to “be strong” if we are also on the supportive side.

(Also… unhealthy advice.)

Here’s my thought… If everyone in the picture is “being strong” for the other person, then who is being honest about what they feel? Who is actually processing and working on their grief and pain? I’ll tell you who… no one.

You have to be honest about your feelings and emotions in order to heal. You can’t fix something if you are spending all of your time pretending it doesn’t exist.

That doesn’t mean everyone is crying or taking a dive into deep depression. We will all express our emotions differently. What I am saying is that I found more healing in the loving arms of people who grieved alongside me, than all of the “stay strong” scenarios combined. There was solace in knowing I wasn’t the only one who was going to miss Bruce and felt shock and devastation at his loss. Even my friends who didn’t know Bruce, (like my work besties), grieved with me and allowed me a safe place to talk about him, our life, his death, or my hurt.

That was where I found healing.

The other myth I want to talk about today is very similar. It is our cultural expectation to grief in private. This one follows that same line of reasoning that our grief may make others uncomfortable, therefore, we should keep it under wraps for the sake of those around us.

Again… that is bad (or incomplete) advice.

Yes, you cannot go into every situation and make it about you and your grief. That is rude and extremely self-centered, but that is not what I am talking about. Here is what I mean…

Many of us tend to isolate ourselves when we are grieving. I know for me, I couldn’t figure out where I belonged. I wasn’t technically married, but I still felt like I was. I wasn’t single, but the world saw me that way. Because of that dissonance, I didn’t feel comfortable out in the world. I spent a lot of time alone, which just fed the feelings of abandonment and loneliness that were a huge part of my grief.

Again, it was those people who made a point of including me that saved me. For example, I had some wonderful neighbors at the time. Every weekend, they made a point of knocking on my door and inviting me over for drinks or “kidnapping” me and going to dinner. At a time when I couldn’t figure out where I fit in this world, they made a point of showing me that I “fit in” with them just fine.

For them, they said it wasn’t much, but to me, it was everything! Having that space where they were willing to take me as I was, feeling whatever I was feeling, and not expecting me to shove it all down and pretend (while I was with them) that I was fine, was a balm for my soul that I cherished more than they can ever understand.

There are a lot of myths about grief and death… and most of them are based on ideas or behaviors that actually do the opposite of what they are intended to do. If we “stay strong for others” and/or only grieve in private, it is like starting a fire in the closet and closing the door. The fire is not going to go out. Eventually, it is going to burst out of the closet and be bigger and stronger than if we simply taken care of it to begin with.

… And that is my wish as I write today… That we all feel free to grieve as we need to… and to acknowledge and respect the grief process without adding silly rules that aren’t helpful for anyone.

____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – A Tribute to a Hero

Today, I want to take a moment to say “thank you” to someone who contributed so much compassion and understanding during that first year… I don’t think I’ve spoken about this person very often. However, this week, I knew I needed to bring this person’s caring attitude forward, as an example for the rest of us. (And yes, I am including myself in that “rest of us”.)

When Bruce died, we had been living in Florida for a few years and had been in our home for less than two years. Since we both worked an hour away, we spent a lot of time commuting and hadn’t really gotten to know our neighbors beyond knowing their names and friendly yard-to-yard brief conversations. We had no family nearby. (They were all scattered between MI, NY, SC, AL, and the UK.)

So, when Bruce died, I went to the hospital alone, and I came home alone. I started calling our families to tell them this terrible news, but I knew that the closest person would still face at least 6 hours of driving time, so I would be alone for many more hours.

My first inclination was to call one of my dear friends from work, but I knew she was scheduled to test a new system for our office that Saturday. I didn’t know my neighbors well enough to feel comfortable calling them… So, I called my boss. After all, at the very least, I knew I would need to let her know that I would not be at work on Monday. (I, also, knew that she had been a great source of strength for another woman in our office whose husband had been killed in a boating accident a few years before.)

It was the early hours of the morning, and I really expected to simply leave a message with the hopes that she would call me back when she woke up and saw it… or maybe she wouldn’t. I was in too much shock to think very clearly. However, she did pick up and less than an hour later, she was at my door.

At this point, things get a little bit fuzzy. However, I do remember that she was here when my son arrived. Then she stayed until she felt confident that I was in good hands. But… she didn’t stop there…

Throughout that first year, she helped figure out time off and any other benefits that were afforded me through our employer. She allowed my friends from the office to travel to the hour to my little town to be a source of physical support as I went about all the business that accompanies the death of a spouse. She knew I would be with family for the “big” holidays, and she always invited me to join her family for the smaller ones, as well as, spending random weekends at their home so that I wasn’t always alone every single weekend… and because that wasn’t enough, she also connected me with an amazing life coach who became my rock as I started working through the grief and trauma of losing Bruce.

This person was amazing! She offered so much to me during that time… Things I didn’t know that I needed and things that I would never have asked for if it had been left up to me, because it felt like too much to ask of another person. She did it all… and she did it simply from the goodness in her heart. I owe her so much more than I can ever repay, and every time I reflect on it, I know she was one of my biggest heroes that first year… A blessing I couldn’t see or recognize in the moment, but that over time has had a huge impact on my life and the choices that I make when others are in need.

Thank you, Sheri! You are an amazing person, and I have been blessed!
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.