What is a myth? According to the dictionary, a myth is “a traditional story” or “a widely held but false belief or idea”. For what we are talking about today either definition works. In fact, whether you are the person grieving or the person offering support, there are a couple of “grief myths” that I want to address today.
The first one is the age-old notion of “being strong for others”. I know that about a month or so after Bruce died, I started hearing that I needed to appear strong for the people around. I heard how upsetting it was to see my hurt or pain, and that I had a responsibility to be strong for those people.
Can I just say how absolutely unhealthy that advice was?!
I understand that it is hard to watch someone you care about go through something painful… To know they are hurting, but to have absolutely no idea if or how you can help. I get it. As many of you, I have been in both positions… And the crazy thing is, we tell ourselves to “be strong” if we are also on the supportive side.
(Also… unhealthy advice.)
Here’s my thought… If everyone in the picture is “being strong” for the other person, then who is being honest about what they feel? Who is actually processing and working on their grief and pain? I’ll tell you who… no one.
You have to be honest about your feelings and emotions in order to heal. You can’t fix something if you are spending all of your time pretending it doesn’t exist.
That doesn’t mean everyone is crying or taking a dive into deep depression. We will all express our emotions differently. What I am saying is that I found more healing in the loving arms of people who grieved alongside me, than all of the “stay strong” scenarios combined. There was solace in knowing I wasn’t the only one who was going to miss Bruce and felt shock and devastation at his loss. Even my friends who didn’t know Bruce, (like my work besties), grieved with me and allowed me a safe place to talk about him, our life, his death, or my hurt.
That was where I found healing.
The other myth I want to talk about today is very similar. It is our cultural expectation to grief in private. This one follows that same line of reasoning that our grief may make others uncomfortable, therefore, we should keep it under wraps for the sake of those around us.
Again… that is bad (or incomplete) advice.
Yes, you cannot go into every situation and make it about you and your grief. That is rude and extremely self-centered, but that is not what I am talking about. Here is what I mean…
Many of us tend to isolate ourselves when we are grieving. I know for me, I couldn’t figure out where I belonged. I wasn’t technically married, but I still felt like I was. I wasn’t single, but the world saw me that way. Because of that dissonance, I didn’t feel comfortable out in the world. I spent a lot of time alone, which just fed the feelings of abandonment and loneliness that were a huge part of my grief.
Again, it was those people who made a point of including me that saved me. For example, I had some wonderful neighbors at the time. Every weekend, they made a point of knocking on my door and inviting me over for drinks or “kidnapping” me and going to dinner. At a time when I couldn’t figure out where I fit in this world, they made a point of showing me that I “fit in” with them just fine.
For them, they said it wasn’t much, but to me, it was everything! Having that space where they were willing to take me as I was, feeling whatever I was feeling, and not expecting me to shove it all down and pretend (while I was with them) that I was fine, was a balm for my soul that I cherished more than they can ever understand.
There are a lot of myths about grief and death… and most of them are based on ideas or behaviors that actually do the opposite of what they are intended to do. If we “stay strong for others” and/or only grieve in private, it is like starting a fire in the closet and closing the door. The fire is not going to go out. Eventually, it is going to burst out of the closet and be bigger and stronger than if we simply taken care of it to begin with.
… And that is my wish as I write today… That we all feel free to grieve as we need to… and to acknowledge and respect the grief process without adding silly rules that aren’t helpful for anyone.
____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief
* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.