Last week, we talked about a couple of myths pertaining to grief. Today, I want to talk about a couple more… Things that society tells us are true, and while they may be true for some people, they have not been true for me. So, these are not about judging those people who find these helpful. It is meant to be a few words of support for those of us who do not find these helpful.
The first one is the idea that we can simply “replace” the loss. I know a lot of us may have learned this in childhood when we had a pet. I’m not saying that is good or bad. I am simply saying that it is not the best solution for everyone.
For me, love of any kind is not a switch that can be turned on or off at will… and grief for that loss is not something that I have ever been able to pretend wasn’t there. Instead, I believe that our grief is our heart’s way of speaking to us and guiding us through a difficult experience.
I remember after I lost my son at 20 weeks’ gestation. So many people were quick to say, “you’ll have more,” as if one child could ever replace another. That seems ridiculous to me. Granted, I did go on to have four more children. However, each one is their own person with their own personality and dreams. Of course, little Matthew was not replaced by one of them. For me, I have five very separate and distinct children. (period)
It is the same with the loss of Bruce. Within no time, I was being encouraged to move on and find someone else. For the first several years, the pressure to date and find a new romantic interest was overwhelming. I hated letting people down, but I couldn’t do it.
The thing is… I still love Bruce. I can’t turn it off… It just is. Also, the funny thing is, when we met, neither of us were looking for anyone. We were both quite content to remain single. In fact, he and I both had a “I’ll-never-marry-again” mindset due to such hard marriages the first time… But life had a different idea. Our love just happened… It wasn’t something either of us were actively searching for.
So, my point is not that a person shouldn’t fall in love again. Obviously, that is up to each individual. My point is that “moving on”, especially right away, may not be for everyone, and the world needs to be okay with that – let it be the individual’s choice when (and if) they decide they want to do that. Otherwise, are we really looking for love… or is society trying to get us to find a distraction from our grief?
Which leads me to the next one… “Keep busy.” I actually did a lot of this. I went back to work almost right away. Honestly, I was too scared of what I might do if I spent too much time alone, sitting here in our home with endless reminders of what I had just lost. I started working longer hours, running for longer lengths of time, going and doing… anything to avoid the quiet in our home that felt overwhelmingly oppressive.
Honestly, it wasn’t until I finally slowed down enough to start processing my grief and all the emotions I was feeling that I finally started to heal. For me, “being busy” was a distraction. (Just like the one I mentioned before.) It was my way of surviving what felt un-survivable. However, it really wasn’t helpful and it didn’t help me heal. All I ended up doing was avoiding the hard work of grief – the work I needed to do to actually start to heal.
As I said last week…
There are a lot of myths about grief and death… and most of them are based on ideas or behaviors that actually do the opposite of what they are intended to do. Whether we try to replace the loss or simply stay busy to avoid thinking about it, it is still nothing more than a distraction. It is like starting a fire in the closet and closing the door. The fire is not going to go out. Eventually, it is going to burst out of the closet and be bigger and stronger than if we simply taken care of it to begin with.
… And that is my wish again this week… That we all feel free to grieve as we need to… and to acknowledge and respect the grief process without adding silly rules that aren’t helpful for anyone.
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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