Tag: isolation

Peace, Love, and Grief – It’s a Myth

What is a myth? According to the dictionary, a myth is “a traditional story” or “a widely held but false belief or idea”. For what we are talking about today either definition works. In fact, whether you are the person grieving or the person offering support, there are a couple of “grief myths” that I want to address today.

The first one is the age-old notion of “being strong for others”. I know that about a month or so after Bruce died, I started hearing that I needed to appear strong for the people around. I heard how upsetting it was to see my hurt or pain, and that I had a responsibility to be strong for those people.

Can I just say how absolutely unhealthy that advice was?!

I understand that it is hard to watch someone you care about go through something painful… To know they are hurting, but to have absolutely no idea if or how you can help. I get it. As many of you, I have been in both positions… And the crazy thing is, we tell ourselves to “be strong” if we are also on the supportive side.

(Also… unhealthy advice.)

Here’s my thought… If everyone in the picture is “being strong” for the other person, then who is being honest about what they feel? Who is actually processing and working on their grief and pain? I’ll tell you who… no one.

You have to be honest about your feelings and emotions in order to heal. You can’t fix something if you are spending all of your time pretending it doesn’t exist.

That doesn’t mean everyone is crying or taking a dive into deep depression. We will all express our emotions differently. What I am saying is that I found more healing in the loving arms of people who grieved alongside me, than all of the “stay strong” scenarios combined. There was solace in knowing I wasn’t the only one who was going to miss Bruce and felt shock and devastation at his loss. Even my friends who didn’t know Bruce, (like my work besties), grieved with me and allowed me a safe place to talk about him, our life, his death, or my hurt.

That was where I found healing.

The other myth I want to talk about today is very similar. It is our cultural expectation to grief in private. This one follows that same line of reasoning that our grief may make others uncomfortable, therefore, we should keep it under wraps for the sake of those around us.

Again… that is bad (or incomplete) advice.

Yes, you cannot go into every situation and make it about you and your grief. That is rude and extremely self-centered, but that is not what I am talking about. Here is what I mean…

Many of us tend to isolate ourselves when we are grieving. I know for me, I couldn’t figure out where I belonged. I wasn’t technically married, but I still felt like I was. I wasn’t single, but the world saw me that way. Because of that dissonance, I didn’t feel comfortable out in the world. I spent a lot of time alone, which just fed the feelings of abandonment and loneliness that were a huge part of my grief.

Again, it was those people who made a point of including me that saved me. For example, I had some wonderful neighbors at the time. Every weekend, they made a point of knocking on my door and inviting me over for drinks or “kidnapping” me and going to dinner. At a time when I couldn’t figure out where I fit in this world, they made a point of showing me that I “fit in” with them just fine.

For them, they said it wasn’t much, but to me, it was everything! Having that space where they were willing to take me as I was, feeling whatever I was feeling, and not expecting me to shove it all down and pretend (while I was with them) that I was fine, was a balm for my soul that I cherished more than they can ever understand.

There are a lot of myths about grief and death… and most of them are based on ideas or behaviors that actually do the opposite of what they are intended to do. If we “stay strong for others” and/or only grieve in private, it is like starting a fire in the closet and closing the door. The fire is not going to go out. Eventually, it is going to burst out of the closet and be bigger and stronger than if we simply taken care of it to begin with.

… And that is my wish as I write today… That we all feel free to grieve as we need to… and to acknowledge and respect the grief process without adding silly rules that aren’t helpful for anyone.

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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – From Seeds to Seedlings

I have been here a while.
I am alone.
I have learned to be okay with that.

Here, it feels warm.
Here, it feels safe.
Here, I can just be…
No worrying…
No crying…
No feeling…
No life.

I must find my courage.
I must break out of this shell of isolation,
And like a seed,
I must push out of the comfort of my own creation
And move toward the sun…
To places unknown.
~ Linda, January 2024

Losing someone is not easy, whether that loss is due to death or relationships deteriorating. Losing someone with whom you shared every aspect of your life and thought you would continue that for the rest of your life is even harder. Readjusting your vision for the future can feel overwhelming. Staring ahead at all the years in front of you, without that person by your side, can feel like an impossible path.

When Bruce died, I completely imploded. My world and everything I thought I knew about my life crumbled in an instant. For months, I wandered through my world in a fog. I did things out of muscle memory, but I wouldn’t call it living.

I was eating and breathing… sleeping and exercising… paying the bills and going to work… but that was it. There was no joy… no excitement… no hope. The only things I felt were sorrow and abandonment… grief and loneliness. Sadness became my constant companion.

I did all the things that were supposed to bring healing. I went to therapy. I went to support groups. I journaled. I expressed myself through poetry, art, and gardening. I created scrapbooks of our life together, including all of our correspondence through the years from emails to love notes to cards.

I did “all the things” that were supposed to help… And as I completed each one, I checked it off “the list”. Still, I struggled to move forward and actually start to live again.

Thankfully, Bruce left a wonderful legacy behind of spirituality and healthy self-love. For years, I have worked hard to follow the trail he blazed ahead of me. I started reading the books he read. I began listening to the speakers he admired… I started following his example of a morning meditation/grounding time… And after a while, things slowly… very slowly started to shift.

I still avoided crowds. I still didn’t want to seek out new friendships. I was still more comfortable alone. In an effort to never experience this kind of pain again, I stayed inside my own self-induced isolation. The solace I found there felt safe – lonely and not exciting – but safe.

This last year, though, I came to realize something new. While I may have needed this self-isolation in the beginning as I was trying to find my way through this hurt and grief, somewhere along the line, it became unhealthy.

Like a seed in the earth, I felt safe and warm in my own little space all by myself. There was a certain amount of growth and change (germination, if you will) that needed to happen there. However, I was not meant to stay there indefinitely. For life to continue, I had to push myself out of that comfort zone, toward the unknown. As I came to learn, when the timing was right, that journey… that push to the unknown landed me in the sunshine… nurtured by the love of my family and friends, I am flourishing and growing once again.

It hasn’t been all roses and sunshine. (See what I did there? Lol!) But I don’t regret a single step. This is life – the bad, the good, the boring, the exciting, the sadness, and the joy… All of it… Every crazy unknown step… After all, it takes both rain and sunshine for any of us to finally bloom and share the true beauty of our lives with the world around us.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… God’s Grace

One thing I learned a couple of years ago while going through chemo was “your world can get really small when you are stuck at home for months on end.” It’s true… The longer you are home without socialization, the easier it becomes to fold inward… To turn so far into yourself, you don’t even want to be out in the world. After months of surgery, chemo, and radiation, I found myself being quite content to stay at home (and forget the world). Thankfully, my daughter and grandson pushed me… They pushed me to go out, to call people, and when the time was right, to go back into the office and renew my connections with the outside world.

However, this wasn’t the first time I had done this to myself… After Bruce died, I didn’t have to isolate myself, but in a way, I chose to. In my grief, I unplugged from the world. I lost my desire to connect and interact with anyone. I found myself, day after day, watching the world from my window, and my only reaction was… blankness. There was a void that I couldn’t seem to tackle. But… as time moved on, and with a lot of love and patience from those who love me, I gradually pulled out of that blackness. I can’t say I ever realized what I had done to myself. I was grieving, and as far as I knew that was “normal.”

However, after the “cancer thing,” I was able to take that step back in observation and see quite clearly how easily I withdraw into my own world… Whether it is an attempt at self-protection, self-preservation or whatever, doesn’t matter. What matters is that I have come to learn how unhealthy it is. Which brings me to now…

Ever since we have been in “Covid-mode,” it has meant a huge limitation on social connections. Our company has been doing the “work-from-home” bit since March. (Thankfully!) Plus, because of our own limited immune systems, we have been staying away from the world for the most part. Sure, we go to the store and have visited places we feel are safe, but our “people interactions” have been greatly reduced.

But… This time, I knew what self-isolation could mean… I knew how quickly our world could shrink… And I knew just how small our world could get, if we didn’t make a conscious effort to stay connected. So, one of the first things I wanted to try was a book club… I love to read and that seemed like a great way to get together (virtually) and connect with other people. So, the next thing I knew I was in four different book clubs. (LOL!) That is a lot to keep up with, but honestly, I am loving it.

One of the Book Clubs is a spiritual one, (thanks to Bruce and his spiritual legacy I am still wrestling with). This week in the book we are reading, I came across this passage…

“God has infinite treasures to give us. Yet a little tangible devotion, which passes away in a moment, satisfies us. How blind we are, since in this way we tie God’s hands, and we stop the abundance of His grace! But when He finds a soul penetrated with living faith, He pours our grace on it in abundance.” ~ Marjorie J. Thompson, Soul Feast

Immediately, my mind began to question… Does this include me? Do I tie his hands being satisfied with a kindergarten understanding of who God is? Never expecting anything more or anything deeper than the “Sunday School God” of my childhood? Is there grace for me too? I feel like I have been on this quest for God’s grace for years… Yet, most of the time I feel like I am chasing the edge of a dream.

Through tears, I shared this with my sister this week, and her response was the most beautiful answer, and one I will hold onto for the rest of my days…

“Of course,” she said. “You have had some really tough times. Your first marriage was awful, but God’s grace came in the form of those four beautiful gems – your kids.”

“Yes,” I smiled, thinking about how much I love those four… I would go through all of that again, just for the sake of having them in life… For the opportunity to love them and be loved in return.

“And,” she continued, “God’s grace was overflowing when Bruce walked into your life. Think about it… Because of him, you experienced both love and healing… Bruce was God’s grace. He still is… Even now, even after he is gone… because of him, you have been on this spiritual journey…”

She was right… This journey has changed my life and my view of the world. I am a different person than I was. This time the isolation and social distancing hasn’t torn me down. This time I have leaned on Bruce’s legacy of spiritual growth and love… And I am staying connected…

And I know without a doubt… Bruce was God’s grace – His abundant grace – poured out on me … And I have been blessed!

I miss Bruce every day, and I am so thankful for all that he added to my life… All the things that I hang onto now… All the things that have enabled my healing and allowed me to keep putting one foot in front of the other. What about you? Have you ever struggled to find God’s grace in the midst of the loneliness of grief? Let us know… We would love to hear from you. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know that, as well. We are here for you.

To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… I Don’t Need to Be Fixed

How long will this pain live inside me?
How long will I have to smile at the world when all I want to do is cry?
I find myself pulling ever further inward…
No one understands.
They are not cruel… They care.
But they do not know how to do anything other than talk me out of my feelings…
or distract me.
They love me…
I love them…
But there is a chasm between them and me…
And another between me and you…
I am alone…
And it hurts so bad.
~ Linda, November 2015

It’s hard to watch someone you love hurt… It’s even harder to realize you can’t do anything for that person to make it stop hurting…

As a mother, I get that… When my kids were little and came to me with a “boo-boo” (real or imagined), there were all kinds of ways to fix it. Sometimes a simple “kiss to make it feel better” or a band-aid over unbroken skin was all that was needed, while other wounds required more realistic answers. However, no matter what, there seemed to always be a way to “fix” it.

Maybe you can relate? We want to be able to help those we love feel better… We want them to smile and laugh again. We want to have the answers, but the hard truth is – sometimes we don’t have the answers… And that can be hard to accept…

I think that is where I found a disconnect at the beginning of this journey…

Almost immediately, I started to hear the pointless phrases… Phrases that were meant to help, but in fact, only made it hurt more. I was so relieved when I found a book on grief that validated my feelings on these phrases and why they do more harm than good.

In case you are curious, here are some of these phrases and why they didn’t really help at all. Since they are pretty common, perhaps you have heard a few of these on your own journey…

1. “Bruce would want you to…” – When this phrase is used by people who knew him, there is some validity to be considered. However, when it is used by anyone who didn’t know him, it feels extremely manipulative. I’m not stupid… I know it whatever it was came from their own thoughts. However, putting Bruce’s name in front of it added some kind of non-existent authority (and guilt for me). Honestly, I felt nothing but resentment and anger the moment those words left their mouth.

2. “He’s in a better place.” – This is another phrase, which throws a bit of guilt at the person grieving. After all, I should be happy not sad, right? My thoughts were always a resounding, “No, he isn’t!” Was being by my side such a bad place? We were happy. We belong to together.

3. “God just needed another angel.” – Good grief, we all know life has a beginning and an end, but once again, here is another phrase filled with religious guilt. After all, he is with God, so I should be happy, right? My thoughts? Great – make me feel like God did this to us… Because a little anger thrown in God’s direction is going to be helpful, right? Honestly, God doesn’t “need” anything, life just happens (and sometimes it sucks)!

4. “It will get better with time.” – I am a list person, so I thought this one might be true… I hoped this one might be true… I did all the things I could find that should help, and while they have gone a long way toward helping me deal with my emotions and heal, so far, I would say, “No… Not really… not completely.”

5. “You need to move on.” – Really? Why? So, you can feel better? Let’s be honest… Life will keep moving forward no matter what we do. However, this phrase (said too early or by the wrong person) left me feeling guilty for being sad… Seriously? Everyone grieves in their own way and on their own time schedule… Be patient. There is time for healing and learning to live a new way. There is no need to feel rushed.

6. “You need to ____” – Why? Because they think so? Because it is what they believe they would do? Again… more guilt… Plus, does anyone really like being told what to do? Let’s be realistic, we all live life differently, and we will all grieve differently… and that’s okay.

7. “You can always remarry.” – Oh seriously! Let’s minimize love, marriage and relationships down to nothing more than a contract… If you think you can replace one relationship with another like paint colors on the wall, please don’t pretend to be my friend. I want people around me who understand love, connections, and commitment. (Honestly, this was only said to me by people who barely knew me, so ignoring it was pretty easy.)

8. “Fake it till you make it.” – When is that? And why? Is this so I will feel better or so they will? I thought it was better to work through our feelings not shove them down inside. So if I fake being fine, is that really helpful in my grief? Or does it relieve them from trying to fix everything? Admittedly, there may be times and places for this one, but it isn’t a mantra to live by.

Am I angry? No, and I apologize if I sound like I am. I am just trying to make a point… While the people who say these things mean well (and I do believe that is their intent), theses phrases can actually cause more harm than good. I know for me, it only pushed me further and further into myself. Whenever someone said one of these phrases to me, I stopped confiding in them… I stopped turning to them when I was “having a moment.”

It is sad to say, but these phrases only created more isolation for me, because I was worried that there was something wrong with me… I felt like no one wanted to listen anymore… I felt even more alone. It wasn’t until I read a book on grief, (The Grief Recovery Handbook, by James and Friedman), that I learned I wasn’t alone. I learned just how normal my responses to these phrases were and how they affected my grief.

But that’s not the end of this story…

I was also blessed with a handful of people in my life who knew right away, there would never be words to heal or “fix” me. These wonderful people stood by my side and understood that there was really nothing to be said or done to make the pain go away… And to their credit, they did what needed to be done… They never tried to “fix” anything. Instead, they spent time with me… They listened… And they held me when I cried… And those simple actions did a lot more toward helping me heal than any words ever could…

With the exception of, “I love you and I care…”

What about you? Have you ever felt like you were being pushed to put your grief aside? Has anyone ever offered empty phrases that were meant to help, but instead only caused more hurt? If so, you’re not alone… We all know this journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. * Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

Note: I apologize for the day-late postings last week and this week. I have been traveling where internet and computer use is either limited or non-existent. Next week, I should be back on schedule.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.