Many of the things I am going to write about today (and next week), I have mentioned before. However, not in this amount of detail and definitely not put together like this.
When does being a private person cross the line into keeping secrets? Let’s talk about it and see where we land. I know the saying “Dead men tell no tales.” However, I would also say that ‘dead men keep no secrets’…
When Bruce and I were dating, one of our only real arguments happened because he lied to me. I knew immediately he was lying and called him out on it. He owned it at that point, and I let him know that lying was the one thing I couldn’t tolerate. I may not always like what I hear, but nothing can be fixed or understood if it is covered in a lie. I told him then that I would walk away if he ever lied to me again… At the very least, we both deserved the respect of the truth between us.
He agreed and apologized… As far as I knew, he never lied to me again. However, there was another dimension to this.
When we met, I knew right away that he was a very private person. If I had a question, I was free to ask; he was never offended. However, I quickly learned that he was not going to answer if he didn’t want to… He would open up to me eventually, but only in his own time and in his own way. For example, we were already engaged before he finally shared that he was on medication for high blood pressure and avoided certain foods and beverages because of it.
He didn’t make a big deal of it, and I didn’t either. I knew he always had a thorough annual physical, because of his job. Plus, he was very health conscious – working out, watching what he ate, getting a good night’s sleep, taking his vitamins… You name it, he did it. (Granted, he loved his beer, but I love my wine… and if you have ever spent a winter in Michigan, that is completely understandable. LOL) Overall, we were both on the same page when it came to taking care of oneself.
Fast forward to the year we moved down here to Florida for my job. We were both excited to live in the Sunshine State where (compared to Michigan” it would be summer year-round. We agreed to live in an apartment for the first year, while we sold our condo in Michigan, Bruce found a job here, and we got a feel for where we might want to live.
Bruce found a job within about six months, and life moved on. When he went for his annual physical that year, we both had some concerns about things we had begun to notice… little things… You know… those things that you are not sure if they are a symptom of something wrong or just a sign of growing older. I remember the doctor ordering several tests, but Bruce never shared what kind of tests they were. As usual, I left that in his hands, trusting that he would share when he was ready.
On the day when he went to discuss the results with the doctor, he reported back that she had told Bruce to “just keep doing what you’re doing.” (And yes, that is the exact quote he gave me.) I shook my head… “You’re lying,” I accused.
“I’m not,” he laughed… And so, that night we toasted to his good health.
A few days later, he brought up the idea of starting to look for a house. Our lease would be up in a month or so, and we needed to make some decisions about where we wanted to settle down. We both wanted to be near the beach but struggled to agree on which town. I remember one night he came home very excited. He had found a little coastal town where the houses were affordable, and our commutes to work would be about the same. That weekend, we drove out to this little coastal town, fell in love, and within a few months, we were moving in.
It was fun and exciting to have a place that truly felt like it was ours. At that time, he was off on Thursdays and Sundays, while I had a traditional schedule with Saturdays and Sundays off. We both tended to use Thursdays and Saturdays, to do some work around the house and to do some fun things on our own. Then, Sundays were our sacred time, because we were together, and we spent the day playing.
I remember one Thursday night after I came home, he made a comment that the dishes from the night before were still in the sink. Now, please understand that we had organically divided the household chores from the start. When it came to the kitchen, he unloaded the dishwasher and I loaded it. If there was handwashing to do, that was negotiable.
So, for me, there were two things wrong with the comment he made, and I let him know… 1. The dishes were still in the sink, because he had not emptied the dishwasher for me to reload it. 2. He had been home all day, and could have emptied it at some point, and even reloaded it if it bothered him that much.
His response, “Do you really think it’s fair that I should spend my day off, doing work around the house?”
I almost lost it… “Yes, I do! What do you think I am doing on my day off? We both work full time, and we are both capable of doing things around the house.”
He immediately apologized, and I immediately told him that if he wanted… and if we were careful to budget… I didn’t mind if he retired early, while I continued to work. I knew he wasn’t thrilled with his job, while I loved mine. Then, he would have plenty of alone time to putter around the house or play. While I know the idea was tempting, he never left his job.
There were things over the next several months that happened, but I wasn’t really paying attention… And even when I did notice, they seemed like little things… Things he would share when he was ready.
For example, he worked out less and less until after a few months, he was only going to the gym once a week and to only work his arms or legs… no cardio…no core. Strange, but definitely his choice. Sometimes while watching TV, I would notice him massaging his chest, but when I asked if he was alright, he would smile and say something about not realizing he was doing that.
These were the subtle signs of what was coming, but I had no idea. I wasn’t expecting him to die, so I definitely wasn’t looking for the signs. I simply took him at his word.
Then, that awful night happened… I woke up in the middle of the night, called 911, did CPR, and watched Bruce die in my arms despite everything. I have spent years in therapy processing the trauma of failing him in that moment… Learning to live with the fact that the one time he needed me, I failed… As I’m sure you can tell, I can still fall down into the rabbit hole of depression when I think about it for too long. I don’t think that will ever completely go away…
(To be continued next week)
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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