Tag: trust

Peace, Love, and Grief… Love and Trust

Love is love is love…

I started writing this blog in January 20015. Bruce had been gone for two years, and I was still drowning in grief. However, because it had been two years, many people were subtly hinting that I should be over it… I should have moved on already. Grief, though, moves at its own pace. It doesn’t have an “off” switch. It requires time, but the amount of time varies. There are a lot of factors that are in play, mostly personal factors, which means the grief we experience is different for each person… even if you are grieving the same person.

So, on New Years Day 2015, I had an old acquaintance suggest that perhaps writing this blog would give me an outlet for my grief… So, here I am many years later, and this space really has become my safe place to express my feelings and share my journey.

It’s funny… There have been many times, I have thought about the fact that when I write about Bruce, he sounds perfect… like a saint… I even call him my hero. Honestly, the longer he is gone, the more perfect he becomes in my heart. Yet, to keep things honest, he was human. We had our disagreements. We even had an argument (or two). Yet even those not-so-great experiences were vastly different than any I had previously known.

First, in all our years together, I only saw Bruce lose his temper once, and it wasn’t directed at me. Someone he loved dearly had hurt him deeply. When he tried to talk about it, he couldn’t. Instead, I watched as the turmoil inside him bubbled over – he turned away from me, yanked the smoke detector out of the wall, slammed it on the counter, and stormed off to bed.

None of it was directed at me. I wasn’t hurt – simply startled… but of course, my own past experiences from my first marriage flooded my mind. In fact, it was the unhealed emotions created in both our pasts that created that moment.

Yet, there was something different that helped us work through it and come out stronger on the other side. What was that? Trust… We didn’t just love each other; we trusted each other – implicitly. That, I believe, is what made the difference. Neither of us ever expected the other to be perfect, (although, my memory tends to remember him that way). We simply needed honesty and accountability. We just needed the other person to be a loving, safe space to land when we felt lost.

Sometimes I wonder if my tendency to make him sound perfect is because of how things were between us when he died… For example, when he and I discussed our first marriages, we talked about the things that contributed to the end of those relationships – the hurt and the distrust. I think we remember the negative parts of those relationships the strongest because that was the state of those relationships when they ended.

However, when Bruce died, our relationship was good – filled with love, compassion, and trust… lots of trust…

Not once, in all the years we were together, did either of us ever push outside the boundaries of a disagreement. We might have taken breaks in the discussion to keep the conversation rational and focused on a peaceful outcome, but we always managed to come back together to discuss the topic at hand – listening closely to what the other one was saying… and not saying. We didn’t dredge up past mistakes or arguments, and neither of us ever got physical, or made any type of threat to leave the relationship. Both of us were all in, and willing to work at making things right for us and between us.

That was new for me. I think that is why it sticks out in my mind so clearly. I have been in so many relationships where manipulation and/or threats to leave are common versus truly working to come to a healthy space. Speaking from experience, those threats and manipulations do nothing but create distrust… They create a relationship that is not honest, but instead is out of balance and unhealthy for all involved.

I think that is why I talk about Bruce’s legacy of unconditional love. He exemplified everything I had always wanted to believe about love. He showed me that you can love someone and still be your own person. You don’t need to give up pieces of yourself in order for the other person to love you. Real love between two people creates a safe space for laughter and for disagreements, because it is a space filled with trust.

That is what I think I miss the most… that loving space with another person where we are both safe to be ourselves… in good times and in bad… And creating that space for us is why Bruce will always be my “perfect” hero.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Thoughts for Today

There have been so many lessons learned on this crazy journey. There have been so many things I was sure of in the beginning, only to realize later how very wrong I was. (Then, again, isn’t that life?)

Five years ago, I was hurting so badly I processed everything through the lense of hurt. I couldn’t understand or make sense of most of the world around me… But I believe that is the way of grief… The pain is so intense, and the ability to process anything outside that pain is close to impossible.

As the years have passed, I have learned to look at things again… Only now, I try to remind myself to pull outside of the hurt, and to process the world around me with love and compassion… The same love and compassion the world has shown me, (even when I didn’t recognize it).

One of the biggest things I have realized is how all loss produces a lot of the same feelings, whether it is the loss of a loved one, a friendship, a job, or my health… Each loss involves grief in a way, and once we recognize that, I believe we are better able to deal with it.

This week has been one of those weeks. It has been my first week after my first chemo treatment…

First of all, my first treatment was on Friday the 13th, and my last treatment will be on 9/11. Now, that is either the start of a suspense novel or some really, creepy foreshadowing! (I’ve had to talk myself out of being a little freaked out about this one a few times.) Seriously, though, this whole cancer thing has brought back a lot of the same emotions (albeit on a smaller scale), which I dealt with years ago when Bruce died.

One of the biggest emotions I dealt with this week was my inclination to push people away. Why do I do that?? I need the support… and I know the people around me love me.

However, here is my honest confession…

When Bruce died, people didn’t always respond the way I expected, and in my pain, I took it personally. One of the biggest mistakes I made was thinking people knew what I needed. They didn’t, of course! How could they?? But there was enough information out there saying, “Don’t ask the person grieving to ask for help – just do it.” Never mind that the people around me weren’t reading this – I was. Yet somehow, I held them accountable… It all sounds so ridiculous now, and thankfully, the people around me loved me through this in spite of myself.

So, this week, when I found myself at the mercy of the toxins floating around in my body, I have also found myself in need of help. That is a hard one for me… I don’t mind helping others but asking for help is another story.

I can’t even begin to tell you the number of people who have said, “Let me know if you need anything… Anything at all. I am here for you.” And even though they mean, do you think I have asked? Rarely… So then, I had to ask myself why…

At first, I found myself back in the same old mindset of “I can’t ask you; just do it.” Then, I came to my senses and fussed at myself for being so unfair… They do care… They mean it… I can’t put my issues at their feet; I have to own those myself.

So, what is the issue?? I don’t know. I haven’t figured that part out. Even when the people around me are helping, I feel so overwhelmed with guilt. I hate the idea that my health issues have placed an extra burden on someone else. Yet, they keep telling me it is okay… They don’t mind… That is love… That is something I haven’t minded giving to others, but to accept it from someone involves trust…

Maybe that is my issue. Maybe I am scared to love and trust… and possibly be hurt again…

Since I am crying as I write this, I am guessing that is my answer… My own fears of feeling all that pain again is what has created this. And maybe that is why I find myself in a place where I have to ask for help… They say there are some life lessons you are destined to encounter over and over until you actually learn it…

Maybe this is mine… Learning to trust life enough to accept the love around me… So, to all those who are by my side through this – Thank you… And I love you!

Everyone deals with loss, grief and life in their own way. How we handle the pain and deal with he challenges in our journey is different for each of us. As for me, I am still learning, and all I can do is pray for the peace and strength to make through each day.

Does any of this sound familiar to you? If so, would you be willing to share your story with us? There may be someone out there who needs to hear exactly what you have to say…

If you are struggling with grief, loss, loneliness, please know you are not alone – We are here. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Walking Through the Valley

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside the still waters,
He restores my soul.
He leads me in the path of righteousness for His name’s sake.
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for He is with me; His rod and His staff, they comfort me.
He prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies; He anoints my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
~ Psalm 23

I can remember being in the third grade and memorizing this passage. I can’t say I thought too much about it… I certainly didn’t understand it. In my little 8-year-old head, I pictured all these things as concrete actions… like something in a fairy tale – nice to think about, but not anything that was going to happen in 1971. It was an assignment, and I did it.

I also remember our teacher, Mrs. Ezell, instructing us on the importance of memorizing scripture. “There may come a day when you do not have a Bible readily available. You never know what you will have to go through as you get older. Having these verses in your mind will allow you to recall them as you need them.” (I must also admit; the importance of that statement didn’t sink in until my adult years.)

Throughout so many events in my adult life, however, I have clung to this passage and the promises it holds… Promises of a God who loves me enough to provide and care for me even when I can’t (or won’t) do it for myself.

When I finally made the decision to leave the chaos and violence of my first marriage, it was tough. After I left, it still took three years to get a divorce due to the games and nonsense, my ex-spouse decided to pull. During that time, it seemed as if we, (my kids and I), were under constant attack. This created high anxiety and required constant vigilance on all our parts.

However, I found when I called on the promises in this verse, my anxiety level went down… Knowing God had my back made all the difference in the world. Was it still hard? Yes. Were we still vigilant? Yes. It was the worry and anxiety that was relieved… And that gave us back the ability to think clearly as we moved on with our lives.

Years later, when Bruce died, I was in such shock and pain, I couldn’t think at all. Even this passage which had carried me through before did not come to mind. When people suggested I read the Psalms for comfort, I would flip through the pages, but I found nothing there.

I was too lost in my loneliness to find comfort anywhere…

Plus, I was so angry with God in the beginning… How could I trust Him? How could I believe He had my best interest at heart? I didn’t – It was that simple.

It was at least a year, before I could start to open my heart up again. It started off slow… small steps. It started with music, then small snippets of verses. Over time, I found myself crawling out of the darkness on my hands and knees, and looking for the God who said he loved me… The God who said he would never abandon me…

Once again, this passage became my mantra. I was definitely passing through “the valley of the shadow of death,” but learning to “fear no evil” was a hard one. Instead, I had to focus on “lying beside still waters,” as I waited for God to “restore my soul.”

It has taken a long time, and I still have days where I struggle. (Don’t we all?) But in my heart, I have come to trust that God is beside me – still loving me and caring for me… Because when I am grieving, I can not do these things for myself… It is too hard. I can’t do it alone, but I can do it with God. I don’t believe that means I’m not supposed to cry or feel sad – not at all. For me, it means God is there beside me… I simply have to make the choice to look for him.

Look up, my child.
I am here…
Don’t look down,
I am not there.
Keep your eyes on me.
Don’t let the clouds block your view.
Look beyond them…
The blue sky is always there,
Even behind the clouds.
Stop focusing on the clouds.
Focus on the sky…
Focus on Me.
Keep Me in your view.
I am here guiding you…
Loving you… always.
~ Linda, September 2015

They say there are certain lessons in life we have to learn. If we don’t learn them the first time, we are destined to go through similar circumstances over and over until we do. For me, I have come to believe that lesson is learning to trust God. That is a hard one for me. I know he has seen me through every time, and yet, I struggle.

These past two weeks, our family experienced a crisis which broke my heart and required me to trust God. Honestly, I didn’t want to… I wanted to fix it… Or I wanted someone to fix it. In a practical world, what was God going to do?… Really?

Then this passage started popping up everywhere. It seemed I couldn’t get parts of it out of my head…

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for He is with me; His rod and His staff, they comfort me. He prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies.”

We were walking through the valley… Would God really show the opposing side that He had our backs on this? I struggled to trust, yet I knew I had no other choice. Then in my evening devotions, I read something that clicked for me… “Keep speaking God’s word over your problem.”

The next morning as I stepped into the shower, my brain started to do it’s worry thing… I started thinking of all the things that might go wrong… How could we deal with any of it? Until I remembered that advice… “Speak God’s word over my problem,” and so I did…

For the next few days, I prayed the same prayer over and over and over… “God you know what this is… It is in your hands… We are walking in the valley, and I am calling on you to ‘prepare that table.’ Please show me, my trust in you is good and right… I know this is my lesson, and I also know this is my struggle… Help me to trust you…”

I will tell you things could not have turned out better. God saw us through… There is still a battle down the road, but the crisis is over. As for me, I learned (again) that when I choose to focus on God instead of focusing on my problems, miracles happen…

Then, I am able to “lie in green pastures” and “beside still waters” … And my soul is restored…

Everyone deals with loss, grief and LIFE in their own way. We all find answers and comfort in various sources. That is what makes us all unique and different. Admittedly, I usually steer away from religion when I write. I don’t want anyone to think I am trying to preach… That is not my goal here. My only goal today has been to share a poem which has helped me on numerous occasions. It is a source of strength for me.

Do you have something that provides that sense of calmness in the storm? If so, would you share it with us? There may be someone out there who needs to hear exactly what you have to say…

If you are struggling with grief, loss, or loneliness, please know you are not alone – We are here. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Actions Speak Louder Than Words

I remember years ago talking to my (then) brother-in-law about my separation from his brother (my first husband). I felt torn. We had been married over 20+ years… 20+ violent, chaotic years. My estranged husband at the time was calling many times a day to say he would change… If I would give him just one more chance, he would change. I wanted to believe him… After all, who willingly wants to tear a family apart? Twenty plus years is a lot of history. But, those twenty plus years had been a nightmare, and I had heard those words before.

The day we left, my kids and I ran away with only the clothes on our backs… Our situation was so bad, I was willing to give up everything for the hope of protecting my kids and finding some semblance of peace. Like many women in the same situation, I struggled to separate the words I was hearing from the reality I knew. Then his brother gave me the simplest, yet wisest, advice, “Look at his actions… Actions speak louder than words.” He was right… I went forward with the divorce and never questioned my decision again. Well over a decade later, his behavior remains the same – still threatening… still aggressive.

Now move forward several years to my relationship with Bruce… Bruce was a man of very few words, but his actions said it all… His words simply backed up those actions. In one of our first conversations I told him I was having trouble reading him… I didn’t understand what kind of game he was playing. He simply looked me in the eye and said, “I don’t play games.” And he didn’t! It was so refreshing to be with someone who said what he meant and his actions matched his words.

He made it so easy to fall in love with him because I never had to guess… Our relationship wasn’t built on games. I could trust him implicitly, and that made all the difference in the world. When I have written about the healing Bruce brought to my family, I believe this was the foundation of that healing – His words and his actions matched, and that is how trust is built and relationships thrive.

This week was a rough week for exactly this… In situations both professional and personal, there were things said that didn’t match the actions taken. Like so many years before Bruce, I was convinced I was the problem… I was convinced that in some way I wasn’t enough – I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, understanding enough… the list goes on and on. All week, I longed for the safe feeling of Bruce’s arms holding me tight, but that can’t be… not anymore. Instead, as the week progressed, I found myself pulling more and more inward, and pushing the world further and further away.

On Friday, one of my co-workers made the comment, “Like everything else in life, you just have to spin it so the other person will accept it.” Wait, what? Why would you “spin” anything? What happened to being honest? This is my frustration… This is my point – You can “spin it” and say whatever you choose, but in the end…

… your actions will tell your truth.

Since Bruce passed away, the loss of that honest relationship has been devastating. I miss the way he lived his truth day in and day out. At the same time, I have come to realize just how few people really mean what they say. Sadly, over the last four years, I have heard so many people say one thing and do another. They have reached out in what initially appeared to be friendship and compassion, only to become something completely different quite quickly.

Sadly, I don’t believe this is unusual, since many people believe widows to be vulnerable and weak… “easy prey,” if you will. However, once the dust clears and you realize what has happened, it is completely disheartening.

After four years, I must admit, all of this has taken a toll on my trust in others. I now know Bruce was right when he said trust is earned – be careful who you give yours to. At the same time, I am very blessed to have family and close friends whom I trust implicitly.

However, I have learned through the years if I can’t trust what someone says, I’m not real interested in anything more. I believe that is called discernment, and it is a good thing. At the same time however, I must own my part, as well…

I can’t control what others say or do. However, I can control what I say and do… Even when it is hard or uncomfortable. I pray that what I offer to others is honest… That my actions and words not only line up, but that my actions speak loud enough so there is little need for words…

And that those actions are based in honesty, peace and love.

Learning to navigate through this journey really is different for everyone… For many of us, the way others treat us after our loss can be confusing and overwhelming. At a time when life is hard, this has the potential to make it harder… Learning that we still have some control makes it a little bit easier to navigate these situations and appreciate the love and peace we are offered. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Please note: Next week’s blog will be a day late as I enjoy the long weekend with family.

Peace, Love and Grief… How Are You?

(Re) Construction Zone Warning:
Please pardon the mess…
This area may look like an emotional mess as I work towards recovering from my grief.
Some days the mess you see will look worse than it really is.
Other days it will look better than it really is.
But most days it will look just like it really is… emotional chaos.
Please just send love and understanding until I have worked through my grief.
~ Linda, October 2013

How are you?… That’s a question most of us ask and are asked several times a day. For the most part, it is a rhetorical question… One almost “required” by society as a polite greeting. So, do we really want a true answer? Do we ever give a true answer?

Before Bruce passed, my response was usually “FANTASTIC! How about you?” And when someone actually gave an honest answer, I was immediately uncomfortable if it was anything but positive. But why? After all, I had asked… shouldn’t I care enough to want a true response?

When Bruce passed away, I felt torn when it came to this question… There was a part of me that didn’t want to ask this question… I was so caught up in my own pain, it was hard to see or care about what others were experiencing. (It sounds harsh, I know… but the point of this blog is to be honest.) There was also another part that didn’t quite know how to answer this question… If I gave my standard “Fantastic” response, it seemed ridiculous. Everyone who knew me knew I was far from fantastic…

But, did I dare give an honest answer? Who in the world wanted to hear that?

Two weeks after Bruce passed, I started attending a support group. One of the things they addressed right from the start was this very question. “Be honest,” they said. “People care. They want to know. They want to help.”

So I ventured out on a limb… I started answering with “Not so good… Today’s a rough day” or “I’m just taking it one moment at a time today” or something similar… You get the picture. The responses were not quite what I expected…

I learned very quickly, who cared enough to walk beside me through this… and who preferred not to. I hope this doesn’t sound judgmental, because that is not how I mean it. Let me explain…

John Gottman has written several books about “Sliding Door” moments. (Think of the movie by the same name.) These are those small, inconsequential moments each day, where we are given a choice to engage with someone or not. It is in these small moments where trust is either built because we choose to engage or it is lost because we choose to walk away. It is up to us…

Without knowing it at the time, I was experiencing exactly that… Those sliding door moments. I needed someone to care, but that is not something I had any control over. However, I learned quite quickly who I could trust with my feelings and who I shouldn’t simply by their response when I answered their question.

At first it was hard… There were so many people that I had assumed would be there to help hold me up, but they weren’t. For whatever reason, they chose to either place some distance between us or to walk away completely. In fact, someone I have known my whole life told me early on “Stop telling me those things… No one wants to hear you whine.”

At the same time, there were people who had never been particularly close to me who pulled me close and held me up. They not only made a point of checking on me, they also knew when I was having a rough day without a word from me… They seemed to see it in my eyes even when I tried to pretend all was okay. They came and stood beside me through the all the legal stuff, all the “firsts,” and all those moments I didn’t think I could get through on my own.

It’s funny, but the trust really was built in those small moments. And these are the people I owe my life to… I don’t think I would have made it without them.

It has been four years now, and life has moved forward… I still grieve, and I still have rough days. But most of the time I can honestly say I am doing much better. Now when someone asks me how I am, (for the most part) I respond with “Fabulous! Thank you for asking.” If I am honest, I have to say there are days when I feel it more than other days… And on those other days, it is a “fake it till you make it” response… but that’s okay too.

In fact, now I am able to follow it with “And how about you?”… And mean it. Now I understand the importance of stopping to listen… The importance of those sliding door moments… Those seemingly inconsequential moments where I know I can choose to make a difference for someone else… The same way others made a difference for me.

So… How are you, my friend?

For most of us, the grief journey is a hard one. Learning to be honest with our feelings and who we can safely share those moments with can be overwhelming at times. Learning how to safely pass through this journey is different for everyone. If any of this sounds familiar, there are many of us here with you… you are not alone. If you have found a positive way through this, would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Lessons learned at Thanksgiving (part 1)

Thursday was Thanksgiving. Not that I really need to remind you of that… Anyone who has known loss knows that when you are grieving the holidays can be glaring reminders of the fact that your loved on is no longer by your side. In my last blog, I went into that in more detail… This week, however, I want to tell you about another baby step in my journey. Although, maybe it is a lesson for anyone…

I spent the last nine days visiting my oldest daughter in another country across the Atlantic. Four years ago, she married a young, foreigner and moved to his home. Up until now, I had not been to visit. While Bruce and I loved to travel, we didn’t get there that first year. Then when he died, the idea of traveling that far by myself, seemed too daunting. For so long, just living my life felt like such a battle that I just didn’t have it in me to push myself past my own fears and go.

This year, though, I made the decision to go… I’ve reached a point where I don’t want to live my life only halfway. I was still scared to travel that far alone but I was determined… It was time.

The travel was fine… I asked for help all along the way and people were very kind. My daughter met me at the airport with flowers, a sign, champagne and lots of hugs. (I don’t think we let go of each other the whole time I was there.) Then, three of us spent most of our time together exploring the country by train and on foot. I loved it! It was a great way to learn about this country she calls home and to get to know my son-in-law. (I had only met him the day before they were married, and at that time, we were able to only spend a few very busy days together.)

But what was this “lesson” I mentioned? Well, I need to back up and explain.

Before Bruce died, I was a pretty open and trusting person… willing to trust, love and see the best in people. However, when he died, I lost that. I felt so angry and abandoned… trust was not something that came naturally anymore. (I have recognized that and written about it here quite a bit in an attempt to be honest about my experience.)

However, the last few months have brought about huge changes… positive shifts, if you will, in my attitude and outlook on life. My prayers and focus have been for less grief and an open heart.

On my second day there, the three of us went for an all day hike to one of the country’s castles. It was a beautiful walk through some amazing countryside. We laughed when we finally arrived at the castle gates only to discover it was closed. No worries… It was a beautiful day, and we were having so much fun together. In the spirit of the day, we enjoyed a picnic lunch washed down with some spiced mead in the shadow of the castle.

We decided to try a different route home only to find that while it was gorgeous, it was much more muddy than the first path… In fact, there were quite a few flooded spots. This was no problem for my daughter and her husband – they were wearing water-proof hiking boots. I, however, was only wearing high-top tennis shoes… not water-proof.

The first couple of spots were not a big deal. While we are close in size, my daughter willingly gave me a piggy-back ride across and we kept moving forward. Then, we came to a really big spot. She wasn’t sure she could carry me that far so her husband offered.

I know it’s weird and probably makes NO sense, but I started to get anxious. First of all, I’m not real keen on being picked up… It means giving up control and trusting the other person. That was fine when it was my daughter… I trust her. In fact at this point, I came to realize that other than my children, there aren’t many people I would trust enough to carry me at all… (There was that trust issue – the exact thing I have been trying to move past.)

I argued at first that maybe he was not strong enough. Silly, I know, but the idea of trusting this young man I barely knew was freaking me out. However, my daughter had complete confidence in him, and I had to admit he has always shown himself to be kind and gentle. I was almost in tears, but I had few other options.

This was the point where I had to give up control and trust someone else. I had been praying for an open heart, I just hadn’t realized that making that come true meant I would have to be the one to open it… but I did.

I climbed up on his back and held on for dear life. When we got to the other side and he gently set me back on my feet, I finally explained myself to both of them (through my tears). I can’t explain what happened in that moment between the three of us, but it was precious. He became family… not just my daughter’s husband.

And for me…

I know that my heart is a little more open to others now than it was before that day. I know that I can’t always be in control… there are times when other people are placed in my path so that I can learn to let go, stop trying to do it all alone, and trust them.

That is how we all learn to love again… that is how we all grow… that is how we move forward – not as individuals or even separate groups, but as one humanity – connected and bonded in our love and need for each other.

Have you ever experienced one those pivotal moments? A time when you knew you had a choice to move forward or stay where you were? I would love to hear from you… Please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… your story may the one someone else needs to hear.

NOTE: Due to family time, I have been off schedule for the past two weeks. Thank you for understanding my need to enjoy my precious time with those I love.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Life lessons in Jamaica

When this blog posts (a day late), I will have just returned from a beautiful week-long cruise with one of my daughters, her husband and my grandson. However, as I am starting to write, I am sitting in a hotel in Alabama contemplating the remainder of my drive to the NOLA port and the upcoming cruise.

While I am excited to have time to relax with people I love, I am a little bit anxious… this is my first cruise since Bruce passed. Cruises were our thing… We met on a cruise, honey mooned on a cruise, cruised with my daughter and her husband on their honey moon. (It was fair. She went on our honey moon cruise, too. : ) ) In fact, when we lived in Michigan, we had a sailboat with a small cabin, and spent many summer weekends on our own mini cruises.

But that is only part of my anxiety about this cruise… When you are grieving, most “firsts” without your loved one are encountered during the first year. Yet, here I am 2+ years later experiencing another first.

The Christmas before Bruce passed, we gave each other a trip to Jamaica which we scheduled for March. Bruce had been before and was so excited to take me and show me around. (He had planned every detail from a beach side bungalow and had a romantic, private, beach side dinner to day trips all over the island.) But that trip never happened… he died a few weeks after Christmas. I couldn’t bring myself to go alone, so I cancelled that trip… not sure if Jamaica would ever be in my future.

This cruise, however, makes a stop in Jamaica. I am excited to finally get there, but it is bittersweet to go without Bruce.Thankfully, I will still be with people I love.

This is my journal entry for that day and the lesson life taught me in Jamaica…

Day 3 – Montego Bay:

Today we are in Jamaica. We docked in Montego Bay while we were eating breakfast. This morning I was so nervous and anxious about this port of call that I was sick to my stomach. My grandson chatted all through breakfast telling me all about the island – its national bird, the flag, and everything else his mother taught him in preparation for this trip. By 9 AM, we were off the boat, sitting on our tour bus and I was feeling calmer. We had a 2.5 hour drive ahead of us as we headed to the other side of the island for a tour of the Appleton Rum Estate and Distillery.

The tour guide, who called herself “Momma”, asked if anyone was prone to car or motion sickness. Everyone on the bus laughed (unknowingly) at the question. However, no one seemed to feel it was an issue, and soon we were on our way with “Momma” pointing out the sights as we passed through the city. Within minutes, however, we were leaving the city and starting the climb into the steep hills. “Momma” told us to relax… “Poppa”, our bus driver, was the best around and for us not to worry. Then, (bless her heart) she chattered and sang for the next 2 hours in an effort to both educate and distract us.

It didn’t take very long for all of us to realize exactly how precarious this drive was. The roads were narrow, winding and filled with potholes. There were no guardrails on the edges of the road and sometimes there wasn’t even room for 2 cars to pass… just a honk of the horn to tell the on-coming driver that it was “our turn.”

I was sitting near the back by a window. My view was either straight up the moutain or straight down. At times we were so close to the jungle that we literally drove through some of the bushes or hit the low hanging branches. (And God protect the pedestrians who were walking along the road, as well.)

People began to quiet down and just watch the road… some were even video-taping this adventure. Me? I fell asleep! When I awoke a while later, it dawned on me that here I was in Jamaica, and I had just stumbled onto another lesson on this journey of life – one that Bruce had demonstrated so many times before.

Bruce was someone who studied different philosophies constantly. I believe that is why he was such a calm, spiritual person. Nothing seemed to phase him. I, on the other hand, have always been a worrier. (Maybe I still am, but that is where this story fits in.) One philosophy that he brought up quite a bit was from the Tao. Whenever, I was worried, he would tell a story about a river. As the river flows along and encounters a rock in its path, it does not try to move the rock. Instead, the river simply flows around it (or over it) and keeps moving.

Jamaicans have the same philosophy in one phrase… “No problem, mon.” They will tell you there are no problems… only situations. There is always some good in the situation or something to be learned from it. Therefore, it is “no problem.”

Riding in the bus today, I realized that my worrying is really a trust issue. According to my faith, I am supposed to trust, but that has never come easy for me. I am a list person – I like a plan… I want to know what is ahead. However, throughout my adult life more often than not, my plans and lists have not become my reality. In fact, every time I think I am getting it all together, God (the universe or whatever you wish to call it) has laughed and changed things entirely.

Before I lost Bruce, I was always able to get back up, brush myself off, and start again – faith still intact. However, when I lost Bruce, I completely lost my trust in God. I felt so abandoned and angry… Trusting God was not happening… I just couldn’t do it.

Several people who have already been down this road have told me this is normal – not to worry – I would figure it out in due time. In the meantime, God’s shoulders were big enough to handle it and still love me.

However, so many other people were appalled and told me that I had to stop feeling the way I did – I had to trust God. There is a problem with that idea though… emotions are not attached to switches and dials. They have to be processed and worked through – not “turned off” or shoved down just because someone says so. That is where I have been.

But back to the bus ride…

While on the bus, I watched those people who were scrutinizing every move our driver made. For all the world, it appeared they would have loved nothing more than to give our driver, Poppa, instructions on how to do this right (aka – their way). But despite all their video tapes, gasps and comments, Poppa kept right on doing things his own way. The result? We arrived at the estate perfectly fine and with quite an adventure to share and remember.

I realized then that this is the way I have been trying to live my life since Bruce died… wanting to trust God, but hanging on and trying to stay in control for dear life – not trusting Him enough to relax and enjoy whatever might come next.

I also realized that I need to live my life more like I was on the bus. There were a few of us in the back, who realized right away that we really had no other option but to trust the driver. So we sat back, watched the scenery and actually saw the beauty of Jamaica and rested – safe in the knowledge that Poppa knew what he was doing much better than we ever could. In other words, I need trust the God that I say I believe in. I need to realize that even when the road is scary, he can handle it. He knows much better than I do, and I can rest – secure in the knowledge that he is in charge… so I don’t need to be.

As I write this, we are leaving Montego Bay, a place Bruce wanted to share with me. I think he still did… and I think that maybe I finally understand what he was trying to help me learn all those years…

If you want to live the life you are meant to live, then there really is no other option except to trust…

Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.