I remember years ago talking to my (then) brother-in-law about my separation from his brother (my first husband). I felt torn. We had been married over 20+ years… 20+ violent, chaotic years. My estranged husband at the time was calling many times a day to say he would change… If I would give him just one more chance, he would change. I wanted to believe him… After all, who willingly wants to tear a family apart? Twenty plus years is a lot of history. But, those twenty plus years had been a nightmare, and I had heard those words before.
The day we left, my kids and I ran away with only the clothes on our backs… Our situation was so bad, I was willing to give up everything for the hope of protecting my kids and finding some semblance of peace. Like many women in the same situation, I struggled to separate the words I was hearing from the reality I knew. Then his brother gave me the simplest, yet wisest, advice, “Look at his actions… Actions speak louder than words.” He was right… I went forward with the divorce and never questioned my decision again. Well over a decade later, his behavior remains the same – still threatening… still aggressive.
Now move forward several years to my relationship with Bruce… Bruce was a man of very few words, but his actions said it all… His words simply backed up those actions. In one of our first conversations I told him I was having trouble reading him… I didn’t understand what kind of game he was playing. He simply looked me in the eye and said, “I don’t play games.” And he didn’t! It was so refreshing to be with someone who said what he meant and his actions matched his words.
He made it so easy to fall in love with him because I never had to guess… Our relationship wasn’t built on games. I could trust him implicitly, and that made all the difference in the world. When I have written about the healing Bruce brought to my family, I believe this was the foundation of that healing – His words and his actions matched, and that is how trust is built and relationships thrive.
This week was a rough week for exactly this… In situations both professional and personal, there were things said that didn’t match the actions taken. Like so many years before Bruce, I was convinced I was the problem… I was convinced that in some way I wasn’t enough – I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, understanding enough… the list goes on and on. All week, I longed for the safe feeling of Bruce’s arms holding me tight, but that can’t be… not anymore. Instead, as the week progressed, I found myself pulling more and more inward, and pushing the world further and further away.
On Friday, one of my co-workers made the comment, “Like everything else in life, you just have to spin it so the other person will accept it.” Wait, what? Why would you “spin” anything? What happened to being honest? This is my frustration… This is my point – You can “spin it” and say whatever you choose, but in the end…
… your actions will tell your truth.
Since Bruce passed away, the loss of that honest relationship has been devastating. I miss the way he lived his truth day in and day out. At the same time, I have come to realize just how few people really mean what they say. Sadly, over the last four years, I have heard so many people say one thing and do another. They have reached out in what initially appeared to be friendship and compassion, only to become something completely different quite quickly.
Sadly, I don’t believe this is unusual, since many people believe widows to be vulnerable and weak… “easy prey,” if you will. However, once the dust clears and you realize what has happened, it is completely disheartening.
After four years, I must admit, all of this has taken a toll on my trust in others. I now know Bruce was right when he said trust is earned – be careful who you give yours to. At the same time, I am very blessed to have family and close friends whom I trust implicitly.
However, I have learned through the years if I can’t trust what someone says, I’m not real interested in anything more. I believe that is called discernment, and it is a good thing. At the same time however, I must own my part, as well…
I can’t control what others say or do. However, I can control what I say and do… Even when it is hard or uncomfortable. I pray that what I offer to others is honest… That my actions and words not only line up, but that my actions speak loud enough so there is little need for words…
And that those actions are based in honesty, peace and love.
Learning to navigate through this journey really is different for everyone… For many of us, the way others treat us after our loss can be confusing and overwhelming. At a time when life is hard, this has the potential to make it harder… Learning that we still have some control makes it a little bit easier to navigate these situations and appreciate the love and peace we are offered. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *
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Please note: Next week’s blog will be a day late as I enjoy the long weekend with family.