There have been so many lessons learned on this crazy journey. There have been so many things I was sure of in the beginning, only to realize later how very wrong I was. (Then, again, isn’t that life?)
Five years ago, I was hurting so badly I processed everything through the lense of hurt. I couldn’t understand or make sense of most of the world around me… But I believe that is the way of grief… The pain is so intense, and the ability to process anything outside that pain is close to impossible.
As the years have passed, I have learned to look at things again… Only now, I try to remind myself to pull outside of the hurt, and to process the world around me with love and compassion… The same love and compassion the world has shown me, (even when I didn’t recognize it).
One of the biggest things I have realized is how all loss produces a lot of the same feelings, whether it is the loss of a loved one, a friendship, a job, or my health… Each loss involves grief in a way, and once we recognize that, I believe we are better able to deal with it.
This week has been one of those weeks. It has been my first week after my first chemo treatment…
First of all, my first treatment was on Friday the 13th, and my last treatment will be on 9/11. Now, that is either the start of a suspense novel or some really, creepy foreshadowing! (I’ve had to talk myself out of being a little freaked out about this one a few times.) Seriously, though, this whole cancer thing has brought back a lot of the same emotions (albeit on a smaller scale), which I dealt with years ago when Bruce died.
One of the biggest emotions I dealt with this week was my inclination to push people away. Why do I do that?? I need the support… and I know the people around me love me.
However, here is my honest confession…
When Bruce died, people didn’t always respond the way I expected, and in my pain, I took it personally. One of the biggest mistakes I made was thinking people knew what I needed. They didn’t, of course! How could they?? But there was enough information out there saying, “Don’t ask the person grieving to ask for help – just do it.” Never mind that the people around me weren’t reading this – I was. Yet somehow, I held them accountable… It all sounds so ridiculous now, and thankfully, the people around me loved me through this in spite of myself.
So, this week, when I found myself at the mercy of the toxins floating around in my body, I have also found myself in need of help. That is a hard one for me… I don’t mind helping others but asking for help is another story.
I can’t even begin to tell you the number of people who have said, “Let me know if you need anything… Anything at all. I am here for you.” And even though they mean, do you think I have asked? Rarely… So then, I had to ask myself why…
At first, I found myself back in the same old mindset of “I can’t ask you; just do it.” Then, I came to my senses and fussed at myself for being so unfair… They do care… They mean it… I can’t put my issues at their feet; I have to own those myself.
So, what is the issue?? I don’t know. I haven’t figured that part out. Even when the people around me are helping, I feel so overwhelmed with guilt. I hate the idea that my health issues have placed an extra burden on someone else. Yet, they keep telling me it is okay… They don’t mind… That is love… That is something I haven’t minded giving to others, but to accept it from someone involves trust…
Maybe that is my issue. Maybe I am scared to love and trust… and possibly be hurt again…
Since I am crying as I write this, I am guessing that is my answer… My own fears of feeling all that pain again is what has created this. And maybe that is why I find myself in a place where I have to ask for help… They say there are some life lessons you are destined to encounter over and over until you actually learn it…
Maybe this is mine… Learning to trust life enough to accept the love around me… So, to all those who are by my side through this – Thank you… And I love you!
Everyone deals with loss, grief and life in their own way. How we handle the pain and deal with he challenges in our journey is different for each of us. As for me, I am still learning, and all I can do is pray for the peace and strength to make through each day.
Does any of this sound familiar to you? If so, would you be willing to share your story with us? There may be someone out there who needs to hear exactly what you have to say…
If you are struggling with grief, loss, loneliness, please know you are not alone – We are here. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.
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