Tag: trusting life

Peace, Love, and Grief – Who I Was

“I believe the hardest part of healing after losing someone you love is to recover the “you” that went away with them.” ~ Kelly’s Treehouse

This quote has been posted a few times on our Face Book page… Why? Because for so long that was the goal… That is what I thought healing was all about. If somehow, I could find my way back to who I was before Bruce died, then I would know I was healed. So, that became my destination on this path.

I spent years trying to get there… Trying to regain the me who loved this man with all her heart.

Everything in me missed and grieved Bruce, but that wasn’t all. There was so much more to grieve… I missed my best friend. I missed my lover. I missed my sailing partner. I missed my travel buddy. I missed the companionship. I missed the laughter. I missed watching his relationships with my kids flourish. I missed watching him get down on the floor and play with our grandson. I missed doing everything with him, and I missed sitting in silence and doing nothing with him. I missed being made to feel that I was the most important person in his world. I missed being loved.

… And this list could go on forever.

“And life goes on. It was not the same, but it went on.” – associated with Robert Frost

As time went on, I began to realize how true this quote actually is… Whether I wanted to participate or not, life had continued to move forward. As much as I wanted… no needed it to slow down and let me regain my equilibrium, it did not. I felt like I was constantly 100 yards behind, running to catch up, but too hurt and tired to actually care if I did or not.

There have been a lot of emotions through the years, but I think the biggest one… the one I still struggle to embrace is trust… I desperately want to trust life again. I know I can’t live my life fully until I do. Yet, at the same time, I just don’t… I am terrified of that moment when I once again lose someone I love. I know the odds are that this will be a reality, but I don’t know if I can do this again… It has been too much at times.

And now, I am such a different person than I was… Even my strengths and fears are different. I’m not even sure, the old me would recognize this new me… Yet here I am… Thirteen years on this journey and I have finally realized that I will never go back to who I was. That is an impossibility.

“Two things in life change you and you are never the same… Love and Grief.” – Unknown

Falling in love with Bruce changed me… and losing him also changed me. I’m not saying those changes are all good… nor are they all bad. They are just changes.

Then, this week I was listening to a podcast and a phrase stuck out for me… I jotted it down as I realized that this is something I have not done up to now. Yet, it is something I think I need to do next on this journey…

For years, I wanted to regain who I was. Recently, I have accepted that I can never go back to who I was. However, in order to move forward, I think I need to take a little bit of time to mourn that loss, too… the loss of who I was.

I need to sit with that, process it (which will likely mean journaling all the stuff that bubbles up inside), and then… let it rest.

I would say “let it go”, but I have learned that one never completely lets the sadness of loss go. You learn to work through it, and you learn to manage it. But there will always be a part of you that feels a longing for what was.

So… That is my goal over the next few weeks… To let myself mourn the loss of who I was… Then, I am guessing… hoping, it will feel a little bit easier to accept who I have become… And, who knows… Maybe in that part of the journey, I will finally find myself learning how to trust life once more.
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Thoughts for Today

There have been so many lessons learned on this crazy journey. There have been so many things I was sure of in the beginning, only to realize later how very wrong I was. (Then, again, isn’t that life?)

Five years ago, I was hurting so badly I processed everything through the lense of hurt. I couldn’t understand or make sense of most of the world around me… But I believe that is the way of grief… The pain is so intense, and the ability to process anything outside that pain is close to impossible.

As the years have passed, I have learned to look at things again… Only now, I try to remind myself to pull outside of the hurt, and to process the world around me with love and compassion… The same love and compassion the world has shown me, (even when I didn’t recognize it).

One of the biggest things I have realized is how all loss produces a lot of the same feelings, whether it is the loss of a loved one, a friendship, a job, or my health… Each loss involves grief in a way, and once we recognize that, I believe we are better able to deal with it.

This week has been one of those weeks. It has been my first week after my first chemo treatment…

First of all, my first treatment was on Friday the 13th, and my last treatment will be on 9/11. Now, that is either the start of a suspense novel or some really, creepy foreshadowing! (I’ve had to talk myself out of being a little freaked out about this one a few times.) Seriously, though, this whole cancer thing has brought back a lot of the same emotions (albeit on a smaller scale), which I dealt with years ago when Bruce died.

One of the biggest emotions I dealt with this week was my inclination to push people away. Why do I do that?? I need the support… and I know the people around me love me.

However, here is my honest confession…

When Bruce died, people didn’t always respond the way I expected, and in my pain, I took it personally. One of the biggest mistakes I made was thinking people knew what I needed. They didn’t, of course! How could they?? But there was enough information out there saying, “Don’t ask the person grieving to ask for help – just do it.” Never mind that the people around me weren’t reading this – I was. Yet somehow, I held them accountable… It all sounds so ridiculous now, and thankfully, the people around me loved me through this in spite of myself.

So, this week, when I found myself at the mercy of the toxins floating around in my body, I have also found myself in need of help. That is a hard one for me… I don’t mind helping others but asking for help is another story.

I can’t even begin to tell you the number of people who have said, “Let me know if you need anything… Anything at all. I am here for you.” And even though they mean, do you think I have asked? Rarely… So then, I had to ask myself why…

At first, I found myself back in the same old mindset of “I can’t ask you; just do it.” Then, I came to my senses and fussed at myself for being so unfair… They do care… They mean it… I can’t put my issues at their feet; I have to own those myself.

So, what is the issue?? I don’t know. I haven’t figured that part out. Even when the people around me are helping, I feel so overwhelmed with guilt. I hate the idea that my health issues have placed an extra burden on someone else. Yet, they keep telling me it is okay… They don’t mind… That is love… That is something I haven’t minded giving to others, but to accept it from someone involves trust…

Maybe that is my issue. Maybe I am scared to love and trust… and possibly be hurt again…

Since I am crying as I write this, I am guessing that is my answer… My own fears of feeling all that pain again is what has created this. And maybe that is why I find myself in a place where I have to ask for help… They say there are some life lessons you are destined to encounter over and over until you actually learn it…

Maybe this is mine… Learning to trust life enough to accept the love around me… So, to all those who are by my side through this – Thank you… And I love you!

Everyone deals with loss, grief and life in their own way. How we handle the pain and deal with he challenges in our journey is different for each of us. As for me, I am still learning, and all I can do is pray for the peace and strength to make through each day.

Does any of this sound familiar to you? If so, would you be willing to share your story with us? There may be someone out there who needs to hear exactly what you have to say…

If you are struggling with grief, loss, loneliness, please know you are not alone – We are here. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.