“I believe the hardest part of healing after losing someone you love is to recover the “you” that went away with them.” ~ Kelly’s Treehouse
This quote has been posted a few times on our Face Book page… Why? Because for so long that was the goal… That is what I thought healing was all about. If somehow, I could find my way back to who I was before Bruce died, then I would know I was healed. So, that became my destination on this path.
I spent years trying to get there… Trying to regain the me who loved this man with all her heart.
Everything in me missed and grieved Bruce, but that wasn’t all. There was so much more to grieve… I missed my best friend. I missed my lover. I missed my sailing partner. I missed my travel buddy. I missed the companionship. I missed the laughter. I missed watching his relationships with my kids flourish. I missed watching him get down on the floor and play with our grandson. I missed doing everything with him, and I missed sitting in silence and doing nothing with him. I missed being made to feel that I was the most important person in his world. I missed being loved.
… And this list could go on forever.
“And life goes on. It was not the same, but it went on.” – associated with Robert Frost
As time went on, I began to realize how true this quote actually is… Whether I wanted to participate or not, life had continued to move forward. As much as I wanted… no needed it to slow down and let me regain my equilibrium, it did not. I felt like I was constantly 100 yards behind, running to catch up, but too hurt and tired to actually care if I did or not.
There have been a lot of emotions through the years, but I think the biggest one… the one I still struggle to embrace is trust… I desperately want to trust life again. I know I can’t live my life fully until I do. Yet, at the same time, I just don’t… I am terrified of that moment when I once again lose someone I love. I know the odds are that this will be a reality, but I don’t know if I can do this again… It has been too much at times.
And now, I am such a different person than I was… Even my strengths and fears are different. I’m not even sure, the old me would recognize this new me… Yet here I am… Thirteen years on this journey and I have finally realized that I will never go back to who I was. That is an impossibility.
“Two things in life change you and you are never the same… Love and Grief.” – Unknown
Falling in love with Bruce changed me… and losing him also changed me. I’m not saying those changes are all good… nor are they all bad. They are just changes.
Then, this week I was listening to a podcast and a phrase stuck out for me… I jotted it down as I realized that this is something I have not done up to now. Yet, it is something I think I need to do next on this journey…
For years, I wanted to regain who I was. Recently, I have accepted that I can never go back to who I was. However, in order to move forward, I think I need to take a little bit of time to mourn that loss, too… the loss of who I was.
I need to sit with that, process it (which will likely mean journaling all the stuff that bubbles up inside), and then… let it rest.
I would say “let it go”, but I have learned that one never completely lets the sadness of loss go. You learn to work through it, and you learn to manage it. But there will always be a part of you that feels a longing for what was.
So… That is my goal over the next few weeks… To let myself mourn the loss of who I was… Then, I am guessing… hoping, it will feel a little bit easier to accept who I have become… And, who knows… Maybe in that part of the journey, I will finally find myself learning how to trust life once more.
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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