Tag: bond

Peace, Love and Grief… The Club You Never Want to Join

As I write today, I am exhausted. I just spent the last few days camping with a pack of Cub Scouts and their parents… something I haven’t done for about 20+ years. The time together as a family was precious and watching my grandson make friends and having boyhood fun made it even better. This is a new pack for us, and we felt completely welcomed. What a blessing!

Now while camping is not one of my favorite things to do, this turned out to be one of those groups or clubs that you know from the start is going to be a good thing… Someplace where you make friends instantly and your sides hurt from all the laughter… It is a great place to be!

There is another club I joined several years ago. Here, too, I made deep connections and instant friends… However, instead of my sides hurting from laughter, in this club, tears are the constant variable…. And, before this weekend, I have never thought of it as a good place to be… It is the “widow’s club.”

I remember right after Bruce died, I read something about the “widow’s club.” The club you don’t ask to join. In fact, you never want to join this club, but you are never given a choice. One day you don’t even know the club exists… you’ve never even thought about it. The next day, you find yourself a steadfast member.

At the time, I remember thinking, “No! I don’t want to do this! I don’t want to be a part of this!” Yet at the same time, I was so thankful for all the other women who had walked this road ahead of me… Thankful for the stories they wrote, thankful for the advice they gave (and didn’t give), thankful for a safe space where I have never felt judged, and thankful there was someone out there who understood the pain I was (and still am) feeling…

I don’t like that there is a need for this club, but I am so thankful it exists.

So why am I talking about Cub Scouts and widows? Because, while we were on this scouting trip, I met another member of the other club… another widow, like me…

I can’t really say how we came to realize we were both a part of this other club, too. We had actually talked several times throughout the weekend without it ever coming up. Of course, it’s not like being a widow is something you just throw out there in the middle of a conversation… unless, of course, you want the entire conversation to come to an immediate, awkward stop.

But somehow, just hours before we were leaving, we both realized we had this in common… We were both members of that club you never want to join. Immediately, we were asking each other questions, sharing our stories, talking about the areas where we struggle… And mostly reassuring and hugging each other. Granted, our individual stories are different, but there was an instant bond there… One which is only achieved because you both lost the one thing you can never quite let go of…

For those who have not started on this journey yet, this may sound odd… You may think you would never be able to bond with a stranger over something so personal. Honestly, I would have agreed with you before Bruce passed away. But now… Well now, I know something different… When you share something which touches you both so deep, when the pain you each feel is something which never goes away, you learn quickly just how much support you need, and how much reassurance that you aren’t crazy…

You need to know you aren’t the only one who is still grieving years later… To know you aren’t the only one pretending everything is fine when deep inside you know it still hurts just as bad as on day one. Sometimes you need to know the reason you don’t know what to do is because there really isn’t a right or wrong answer. There are so many times when I have needed to know all these things and more. Yet, as much as I hate to admit I am a part of this club, there is some comfort in knowing there are others out there like me… Others who also loved their husbands with all their heart and never imagined there wouldn’t be a future which included both of them.

So, while this is a club I wish I never joined, and for which I wish there were no need… I am so thankful it is here… and for all the beautiful people who make up its membership…

This weekend was exhausting, but at the same time, I was reminded to be thankful for something I wish didn’t need to be. But there is a need… In fact, this blog is a part of it. Through the stories and thoughts we share, I hope others will realize what they feel is normal… We are all dealing with some pretty intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Lessons learned at Thanksgiving (part 1)

Thursday was Thanksgiving. Not that I really need to remind you of that… Anyone who has known loss knows that when you are grieving the holidays can be glaring reminders of the fact that your loved on is no longer by your side. In my last blog, I went into that in more detail… This week, however, I want to tell you about another baby step in my journey. Although, maybe it is a lesson for anyone…

I spent the last nine days visiting my oldest daughter in another country across the Atlantic. Four years ago, she married a young, foreigner and moved to his home. Up until now, I had not been to visit. While Bruce and I loved to travel, we didn’t get there that first year. Then when he died, the idea of traveling that far by myself, seemed too daunting. For so long, just living my life felt like such a battle that I just didn’t have it in me to push myself past my own fears and go.

This year, though, I made the decision to go… I’ve reached a point where I don’t want to live my life only halfway. I was still scared to travel that far alone but I was determined… It was time.

The travel was fine… I asked for help all along the way and people were very kind. My daughter met me at the airport with flowers, a sign, champagne and lots of hugs. (I don’t think we let go of each other the whole time I was there.) Then, three of us spent most of our time together exploring the country by train and on foot. I loved it! It was a great way to learn about this country she calls home and to get to know my son-in-law. (I had only met him the day before they were married, and at that time, we were able to only spend a few very busy days together.)

But what was this “lesson” I mentioned? Well, I need to back up and explain.

Before Bruce died, I was a pretty open and trusting person… willing to trust, love and see the best in people. However, when he died, I lost that. I felt so angry and abandoned… trust was not something that came naturally anymore. (I have recognized that and written about it here quite a bit in an attempt to be honest about my experience.)

However, the last few months have brought about huge changes… positive shifts, if you will, in my attitude and outlook on life. My prayers and focus have been for less grief and an open heart.

On my second day there, the three of us went for an all day hike to one of the country’s castles. It was a beautiful walk through some amazing countryside. We laughed when we finally arrived at the castle gates only to discover it was closed. No worries… It was a beautiful day, and we were having so much fun together. In the spirit of the day, we enjoyed a picnic lunch washed down with some spiced mead in the shadow of the castle.

We decided to try a different route home only to find that while it was gorgeous, it was much more muddy than the first path… In fact, there were quite a few flooded spots. This was no problem for my daughter and her husband – they were wearing water-proof hiking boots. I, however, was only wearing high-top tennis shoes… not water-proof.

The first couple of spots were not a big deal. While we are close in size, my daughter willingly gave me a piggy-back ride across and we kept moving forward. Then, we came to a really big spot. She wasn’t sure she could carry me that far so her husband offered.

I know it’s weird and probably makes NO sense, but I started to get anxious. First of all, I’m not real keen on being picked up… It means giving up control and trusting the other person. That was fine when it was my daughter… I trust her. In fact at this point, I came to realize that other than my children, there aren’t many people I would trust enough to carry me at all… (There was that trust issue – the exact thing I have been trying to move past.)

I argued at first that maybe he was not strong enough. Silly, I know, but the idea of trusting this young man I barely knew was freaking me out. However, my daughter had complete confidence in him, and I had to admit he has always shown himself to be kind and gentle. I was almost in tears, but I had few other options.

This was the point where I had to give up control and trust someone else. I had been praying for an open heart, I just hadn’t realized that making that come true meant I would have to be the one to open it… but I did.

I climbed up on his back and held on for dear life. When we got to the other side and he gently set me back on my feet, I finally explained myself to both of them (through my tears). I can’t explain what happened in that moment between the three of us, but it was precious. He became family… not just my daughter’s husband.

And for me…

I know that my heart is a little more open to others now than it was before that day. I know that I can’t always be in control… there are times when other people are placed in my path so that I can learn to let go, stop trying to do it all alone, and trust them.

That is how we all learn to love again… that is how we all grow… that is how we move forward – not as individuals or even separate groups, but as one humanity – connected and bonded in our love and need for each other.

Have you ever experienced one those pivotal moments? A time when you knew you had a choice to move forward or stay where you were? I would love to hear from you… Please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… your story may the one someone else needs to hear.

NOTE: Due to family time, I have been off schedule for the past two weeks. Thank you for understanding my need to enjoy my precious time with those I love.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.