Tag: friends

Peace, Love, and Grief… A Tribute to a Friend

I spent this morning with old friends back in SC celebrating the life of a fellow teacher… But not just any teacher. This teacher was a nun that started at our school not long after I started.

I wasn’t raised Catholic, so the only experience I had with nuns before that was from watching The Sound of Music. (Silly comparison, I know.) This dear, sweet nun, though, wasn’t like anything from Hollywood. (Thankfully!) She was her own dear, sweet person, and this particular dear, sweet nun meant the world to me. She touched my soul in ways I am still realizing years later. You know, they say you will likely never know the impact you have on others… I think that is so true. While she (sadly) isn’t here to read it, I wanted to write her a letter to tell her just how much she meant (and still means) to me…

Dear Sister,

Today, so many of us who love you gathered to celebrate your life. I can’t believe you are gone from us. As much as I know about death, I think there was a part of me that childishly thought you would always be here. When I learned of your passing months ago, I felt a hole open in my heart… A hole only you can fill. I cried then… and I cried today. It is hard to believe I will never again see your sweet smile or hear you say, “My love, my dove, my beautiful one.”

I didn’t know anything about nuns when I first met you. I thought nuns were supposed to be demure and passive. You, however, showed me something totally different. You showed me that a woman can love God and still be a strong force in this world. You knew what you believed in. You knew what you expected in others. You held all of us to a higher accountability… And we wanted to be there… I know I wanted that mainly because you believed I could.

I remember when it came to the kids you had high expectations around discipline. You did not mess around, and made your expectations known with no room for doubt. I can remember when the 8th grade boys were in trouble, they would beg to be sent to anyone but you… Not because you were cruel, but because none of us ever wanted to let you down. Yet, once discipline had been handled, it was over, and you once again called them “your love, your dove, your beautiful one”. Your love for each and every child (and the rest of us) was completely unconditional, (and we all knew that – there was no doubt). No matter what transpired, you always had a smile, and a hug for each and every one of us.

I remember times when you and I disagreed… But it was okay. You stated your thoughts and opinion, but you never tried to make me concede. It was a conversation with differing opinions – nothing more. (Or maybe you tried, but I was oblivious! LOL!)

Even when our family was splitting up, you were amazing. It was a hard time for our family, because divorce is hard – even when it is the right move. Ours also carried the weight of domestic violence and (still ongoing) threats. While your views were more conservative than mine, you were still supportive to me and loving to my children.

To this day, I still find myself sharing funny stories about our days teaching together and the many nuggets of wisdom you planted for all of us. While my faith journey has taken me in other directions, my faith and belief in God is still firm and you had a lot to do with that, because you were a perfect example of God’s love here on earth.

Thank you! Thank you for all you did so many years ago, and for all the seeds you planted that have helped me through the years. You were an amazing lady and I will always consider myself blessed to have known and worked with you on a daily basis for so long (and through such a hard portion of my life).

I love you, Sister! May you rest in the peace and love of our God – the God you served and loved so completely!
_________________________________________________________
Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone… and some days, it can be just a little bit harder. I don’t think any of us wants to be on this path, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined. Each time I think I have it figured out; I find I don’t at all, despite the years since Bruce passed. This year has been filled to the brim with challenges, but my goal has been to learn to simply “be” – whatever that looks like in each moment.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… The Loss of a Friend

I want to tell you about my friend, Tom…

I met Tom when we were just kids… I mean young kids – not even teenagers yet. We went to the same church, and while Tom was a year or so younger than me, we were always in the same youth group and choir. Tom was always that skinny kid that simply loved the world and assumed the world loved him back. I would even dare to say that most of us thought of him as a little bit nerdy… But then again, so were most of us (at least, I know I was), so it was all fine. We all loved each other!

Tom had this amazing character… What I would call an “old soul.” For example, we all knew he was not the picture of health growing up. He had a heart condition, but he never let that define him. In fact, he never let it stop him from doing whatever he wanted… “Can’t” just never seemed to be a part of his vocabulary. He also had this way of seeing something special in everyone, (maybe that is why he loved us all). Here I was, this skinny, nerdy, awkward girl, who didn’t see herself as anything special, but Tom did. From the very beginning he told me that my smile lit up a room, and “Sunshine” became his nickname for me. (I still love that!)

Tom and I remained friends all through middle school and high school. However, as time passed, I moved away, and evidently so did he… And as it seems to happen often with childhood friends, we lost touch…

Then one day a few years ago, out of the blue, I received a Face Book message that started with “Hi there, Sunshine!” and immediately I knew who it was… and I smiled. Through the years, we have talked about the loss of his father, and my loss of Bruce. He would send me articles or blogs on grief that he thought might mean a lot to me, and they always seemed to be spot on. He was also one of my biggest supporters when it came to this blog – commenting on specific posts or sharing it on his own wall several times a year.

Despite the years that had passed, he was still Tom… He was still kind, and he still believed that each person could make a difference. He still spoke his mind and welcomed discussions with people who had different thoughts and opinions than his own. He often said that change is only possible when both sides of an issue remain at the table – talking and sharing. He became my example to follow of never shutting the door on a difficult conversation.

So, when I wrote last week’s blog, which was about one of those discussions gone awry, I really didn’t think I would be writing a continuation this week… Yet here I am.

Last week, I wrote about my grief over the loss of our relationships with each other – all of us. I wrote about how we have let a stranger, named “Politics”, come between so many of us and the people we know and love. In many cases, I have observed people throwing away years of friendship… and for what? For things that seem to change with the next news story?

Yes, we can have our different opinions… We should… It is how we learn and grow… It is how we develop empathy for those around us. So, I wonder… do we have to behave as if we hate each other while doing that?

I don’t get it…

I also wrote about a particular post where friends were actually saying some pretty mean things about people and to people. There was even a point in the discussion where the topic at hand was tossed aside and the name-calling started. Yet even that wasn’t the end of it. The name-calling took on another twist, as people even started making fun of a person’s name… Tom’s name… Seriously? I couldn’t believe it. What was happening? How did we get here? When did we forget to love each other? My heart was breaking with each word on the screen.

I had a feeling when I wrote that blog, I would get a message from Tom. I knew he would read it. I knew he would recognize the post, and I knew he would reach out to me… but he didn’t… not a word… It was crickets.

Then a couple of days later, I learned why…

Tom died.

Just like that.

He is gone.

I cried as read the words posted on his Face Book wall… First, I cried for Tom. He gave so much to so many, and I know he wouldn’t have felt like he was done. I also cried for Tom’s wife, because I know how painful her loss must be… I know the road ahead of her. (Widowhood is an exclusive club that no one wants to join.). Then, I cried for me, and how much I will miss his kind words and support. I will miss his example of trying to make this world a better place. Finally, I cried for our friends. I can’t imagine how it must feel to know that your last words to a life-long friend were those of an emotionally-charged argument… I cried for all of us.

Even now, days later when I think of all of this, I cry…

What happened to us? At what point did we become those people who resort to name calling when a discussion gets tough? When did we start believing in violence and anger at all costs? When did we stop respecting each other’s right to a different opinion? When did we stop listening to each other and looking for common ground to build on? When did we stop caring about and loving one another? Shoot… When did we forget what love truly is?

Then on Friday, I read another post from a friend who is a retired Methodist pastor. Her words, which are much more eloquent than my own, gave me a starting point in this chaos… and that gives me hope.

“We have real problems that cannot be solved until our moral compass is reset. God change our hearts for good. Give us courage to do that which is honorable and right. Help us be not afraid to welcome and love one another. Lead us, Lord. Lead us into righteousness. May my will be your will. Amen.” ~ Lib Campbell, founder of avitualchurch.com

My heart has been broken this week, as I say good-bye to another friend. Good friends – friends who stick with you through the good and the bad, are a rare and precious gift. Tom was such a gift.

I know these are also crazy times, and many of us have lost friends and loved ones. We have had to say good-bye from a distance, and that, in and of itself, is another hardship… But we are not alone. We have the choice to stick together… to be kind and to support each other. Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. Has anyone else felt grief over our current situation? Does anyone else know what I mean?

These are tough times and perhaps dealing with our personal loss makes us a little more sensitive to any grief we might be feeling about our political climate, as well. Let us know what you think. We would love to hear your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… The Club You Never Want to Join

As I write today, I am exhausted. I just spent the last few days camping with a pack of Cub Scouts and their parents… something I haven’t done for about 20+ years. The time together as a family was precious and watching my grandson make friends and having boyhood fun made it even better. This is a new pack for us, and we felt completely welcomed. What a blessing!

Now while camping is not one of my favorite things to do, this turned out to be one of those groups or clubs that you know from the start is going to be a good thing… Someplace where you make friends instantly and your sides hurt from all the laughter… It is a great place to be!

There is another club I joined several years ago. Here, too, I made deep connections and instant friends… However, instead of my sides hurting from laughter, in this club, tears are the constant variable…. And, before this weekend, I have never thought of it as a good place to be… It is the “widow’s club.”

I remember right after Bruce died, I read something about the “widow’s club.” The club you don’t ask to join. In fact, you never want to join this club, but you are never given a choice. One day you don’t even know the club exists… you’ve never even thought about it. The next day, you find yourself a steadfast member.

At the time, I remember thinking, “No! I don’t want to do this! I don’t want to be a part of this!” Yet at the same time, I was so thankful for all the other women who had walked this road ahead of me… Thankful for the stories they wrote, thankful for the advice they gave (and didn’t give), thankful for a safe space where I have never felt judged, and thankful there was someone out there who understood the pain I was (and still am) feeling…

I don’t like that there is a need for this club, but I am so thankful it exists.

So why am I talking about Cub Scouts and widows? Because, while we were on this scouting trip, I met another member of the other club… another widow, like me…

I can’t really say how we came to realize we were both a part of this other club, too. We had actually talked several times throughout the weekend without it ever coming up. Of course, it’s not like being a widow is something you just throw out there in the middle of a conversation… unless, of course, you want the entire conversation to come to an immediate, awkward stop.

But somehow, just hours before we were leaving, we both realized we had this in common… We were both members of that club you never want to join. Immediately, we were asking each other questions, sharing our stories, talking about the areas where we struggle… And mostly reassuring and hugging each other. Granted, our individual stories are different, but there was an instant bond there… One which is only achieved because you both lost the one thing you can never quite let go of…

For those who have not started on this journey yet, this may sound odd… You may think you would never be able to bond with a stranger over something so personal. Honestly, I would have agreed with you before Bruce passed away. But now… Well now, I know something different… When you share something which touches you both so deep, when the pain you each feel is something which never goes away, you learn quickly just how much support you need, and how much reassurance that you aren’t crazy…

You need to know you aren’t the only one who is still grieving years later… To know you aren’t the only one pretending everything is fine when deep inside you know it still hurts just as bad as on day one. Sometimes you need to know the reason you don’t know what to do is because there really isn’t a right or wrong answer. There are so many times when I have needed to know all these things and more. Yet, as much as I hate to admit I am a part of this club, there is some comfort in knowing there are others out there like me… Others who also loved their husbands with all their heart and never imagined there wouldn’t be a future which included both of them.

So, while this is a club I wish I never joined, and for which I wish there were no need… I am so thankful it is here… and for all the beautiful people who make up its membership…

This weekend was exhausting, but at the same time, I was reminded to be thankful for something I wish didn’t need to be. But there is a need… In fact, this blog is a part of it. Through the stories and thoughts we share, I hope others will realize what they feel is normal… We are all dealing with some pretty intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Another First

How do I live without your love?
One breath at a time…
~ Linda, December 28, 2013

After 2.5 years, I thought I had hit all the “firsts” associated with losing Bruce. However, this week I find myself facing another. My 35th high school reunion is this weekend. I’ve only been to one other… 5 years ago, when I attended my 30th reunion.

I went alone back then because Bruce had to work. However, going alone when you are married and madly in love with your husband is very different than going alone as a widow. To say I am feeling intimidated would be a huge understatement.

Don’t get me wrong… I was also nervous five years ago. In high school, I had been the straight-A nerdy kid who sat quietly in the front row. I had not been in contact with most of my classmates and I had no idea what to expect. Going alone was nerve-racking but Bruce helped instill such a “you-can-do-this” attitude (plus one of my daughters traveled and stayed in the hotel with me), so I didn’t mind pushing myself past my comfort zone.

I am so glad I did, because I had a blast! Five years ago, I met people I had never hung out with before, but my class seems to be a tight-knit group and everyone was wonderful!

When the talk on Face Book started about this reunion, I decided right away, I wasn’t going… not alone… not as a widow. I convinced myself that (a) I was too busy to spend 14 hours driving just to spend a few hours spent at a reunion; (b) I didn’t need to spend the money, etc. This list went on and on. (I can be the queen of excuses when I choose to be.)

Then, life started nudging me. The excitement between my classmates on Face Book started growing. (And I remembered how much fun I had five years ago.) Somehow in the class I am training this week, reunions came up. In the conversation, I mentioned mine and stated I wasn’t going. When they asked why, I tried to explain myself to this group of young adults and found myself stumbling… I didn’t really have a good reason.

After all, as a life coach and mentor, I knew exactly what I was doing. I was avoiding… I was running away – something I always do when I am down-to-my-core scared…

What was I scared of? Scared of going alone, scared of being treated different, scared of not fitting in, scared of being left on the edge – looking in – watching everyone else have fun… just plain scared of the whole thing.

Let me explain.

I’ve learned to go lots of places alone – most places actually. Sometimes that turns out okay and sometimes it is downright bad. It seems to depend on the connection I have with the people I am with. Sometimes I am treated like everyone else and I have a blast. Other times, there is an awkward energy and I feel like a fifth wheel. What if this is one of those awkward times? What if…

I know it probably sounds silly. But even so, these feelings are real… I have to deal with them. If I am honest; if I want to keep growing and moving forward, I need to face my fears, not run away from them… again. I’ve been working on this since Bruce passed… and here it is again.

So you know what I did, right?

I called my son and asked if he wanted to take a weekend trip with me! LOL! Yep, I’m going… but I’m taking some support. I don’t need him to go to the reunion. I just need him close by in case I need a hug… or a shove. : )

Yes… I am well aware that I needed Bruce to be close by on my first KW trip, and my daughter on my first class reunion… and now my son on my first reunion as a widow. I’m okay with that… The bottom line is I’m going. That is huge right now!

And now, the rest of the story…

So I went… I can’t say it was the best night of my life, (no one’s fault… just my own nerves) but it wasn’t the worst either. My son was great encouragement before I left… offering several times to go with me since I was so anxious. As tempting as his offer was, I knew I needed to do this alone. So off I went…

Pushing myself out of the car was a little hard, but I did it. I walked in alone, and I waited in the line alone. I talked to a couple of people, but I couldn’t find my group of friends I was supposed to meet there. Over an hour passed. I felt so out of place… and I started to lose it.

I could feel the tears behind my eyes. What was I thinking? Why did I think this was a good idea? I decided to leave and walked out to my car.

Once safely inside and away from public view, the tears flowed… I couldn’t stop them. All I could think was how much I hate this. I hate the way I feel without Bruce… I hate the way my self-confidence can plummet for no reason at all.

I can’t tell you why, but as I sat there, I started coaching myself… I started telling myself the things I would tell my clients. I won’t go into detail, but within 15 – 20 minutes, the tears were done, and I was headed back inside with a new attitude.

I still felt conspicuous… I still felt like people were staring at me like I have 2 heads, but I just smiled, said hi and kept plowing on. I approached people and talked to them instead of waiting for them to approach me. (NOT my comfort zone!) And, thankfully, it didn’t too long until I found my friends. : ) (Yay!) The rest of the night was spent laughing with my high school girl friends.

My victory? I stayed. I didn’t run away. (That was HUGE!) And I not only survived, I proved something to myself…

When I remember to have faith in myself, I am stronger than I think.

Because this is our community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.