Peace, Love and Grief… The Loss of a Friend

I want to tell you about my friend, Tom…

I met Tom when we were just kids… I mean young kids – not even teenagers yet. We went to the same church, and while Tom was a year or so younger than me, we were always in the same youth group and choir. Tom was always that skinny kid that simply loved the world and assumed the world loved him back. I would even dare to say that most of us thought of him as a little bit nerdy… But then again, so were most of us (at least, I know I was), so it was all fine. We all loved each other!

Tom had this amazing character… What I would call an “old soul.” For example, we all knew he was not the picture of health growing up. He had a heart condition, but he never let that define him. In fact, he never let it stop him from doing whatever he wanted… “Can’t” just never seemed to be a part of his vocabulary. He also had this way of seeing something special in everyone, (maybe that is why he loved us all). Here I was, this skinny, nerdy, awkward girl, who didn’t see herself as anything special, but Tom did. From the very beginning he told me that my smile lit up a room, and “Sunshine” became his nickname for me. (I still love that!)

Tom and I remained friends all through middle school and high school. However, as time passed, I moved away, and evidently so did he… And as it seems to happen often with childhood friends, we lost touch…

Then one day a few years ago, out of the blue, I received a Face Book message that started with “Hi there, Sunshine!” and immediately I knew who it was… and I smiled. Through the years, we have talked about the loss of his father, and my loss of Bruce. He would send me articles or blogs on grief that he thought might mean a lot to me, and they always seemed to be spot on. He was also one of my biggest supporters when it came to this blog – commenting on specific posts or sharing it on his own wall several times a year.

Despite the years that had passed, he was still Tom… He was still kind, and he still believed that each person could make a difference. He still spoke his mind and welcomed discussions with people who had different thoughts and opinions than his own. He often said that change is only possible when both sides of an issue remain at the table – talking and sharing. He became my example to follow of never shutting the door on a difficult conversation.

So, when I wrote last week’s blog, which was about one of those discussions gone awry, I really didn’t think I would be writing a continuation this week… Yet here I am.

Last week, I wrote about my grief over the loss of our relationships with each other – all of us. I wrote about how we have let a stranger, named “Politics”, come between so many of us and the people we know and love. In many cases, I have observed people throwing away years of friendship… and for what? For things that seem to change with the next news story?

Yes, we can have our different opinions… We should… It is how we learn and grow… It is how we develop empathy for those around us. So, I wonder… do we have to behave as if we hate each other while doing that?

I don’t get it…

I also wrote about a particular post where friends were actually saying some pretty mean things about people and to people. There was even a point in the discussion where the topic at hand was tossed aside and the name-calling started. Yet even that wasn’t the end of it. The name-calling took on another twist, as people even started making fun of a person’s name… Tom’s name… Seriously? I couldn’t believe it. What was happening? How did we get here? When did we forget to love each other? My heart was breaking with each word on the screen.

I had a feeling when I wrote that blog, I would get a message from Tom. I knew he would read it. I knew he would recognize the post, and I knew he would reach out to me… but he didn’t… not a word… It was crickets.

Then a couple of days later, I learned why…

Tom died.

Just like that.

He is gone.

I cried as read the words posted on his Face Book wall… First, I cried for Tom. He gave so much to so many, and I know he wouldn’t have felt like he was done. I also cried for Tom’s wife, because I know how painful her loss must be… I know the road ahead of her. (Widowhood is an exclusive club that no one wants to join.). Then, I cried for me, and how much I will miss his kind words and support. I will miss his example of trying to make this world a better place. Finally, I cried for our friends. I can’t imagine how it must feel to know that your last words to a life-long friend were those of an emotionally-charged argument… I cried for all of us.

Even now, days later when I think of all of this, I cry…

What happened to us? At what point did we become those people who resort to name calling when a discussion gets tough? When did we start believing in violence and anger at all costs? When did we stop respecting each other’s right to a different opinion? When did we stop listening to each other and looking for common ground to build on? When did we stop caring about and loving one another? Shoot… When did we forget what love truly is?

Then on Friday, I read another post from a friend who is a retired Methodist pastor. Her words, which are much more eloquent than my own, gave me a starting point in this chaos… and that gives me hope.

“We have real problems that cannot be solved until our moral compass is reset. God change our hearts for good. Give us courage to do that which is honorable and right. Help us be not afraid to welcome and love one another. Lead us, Lord. Lead us into righteousness. May my will be your will. Amen.” ~ Lib Campbell, founder of avitualchurch.com

My heart has been broken this week, as I say good-bye to another friend. Good friends – friends who stick with you through the good and the bad, are a rare and precious gift. Tom was such a gift.

I know these are also crazy times, and many of us have lost friends and loved ones. We have had to say good-bye from a distance, and that, in and of itself, is another hardship… But we are not alone. We have the choice to stick together… to be kind and to support each other. Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. Has anyone else felt grief over our current situation? Does anyone else know what I mean?

These are tough times and perhaps dealing with our personal loss makes us a little more sensitive to any grief we might be feeling about our political climate, as well. Let us know what you think. We would love to hear your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

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