Tag: self esteem

Peace, Love and Grief… A Bald Thought

Nope… That’s not a type. I meant to write “bald,” because that’s what’s happened in my world this week.

When I first learned I would need chemo after all, I also learned about many of the side effects my particular “cocktail” could create. People tried to be sweet by telling me stories of friends who never had any side effects… They never missed a day of work, never felt sick or never lost their hair.

It was kind, and their hearts were all in the right place. But there is a truth I learned when Bruce died – everyone’s experience is different… I could hope, but I couldn’t count on that being my experience. Plus, I had already been told my treatment (as described by my oncologist) was a medium aggressive treatment. She had told me I was not going to get through completely unscathed… In particular and without a doubt, the hair was going to go.

I was told to expect it to fall out within 14 – 21 days of the first treatment. So, I was ready… or so I thought. Originally, I took off 4 inches within days of learning about the chemo. Then, last week I cut it into a super short pixie… All to help my brain transition into the idea of being bald.

I knew it was coming. I know it would grow back. And I know it is just hair.

Just like with my grief, my rational side knew the facts. In preparation, I had switched to a gentler shampoo with extra conditioner. I had stopped using any heating tools. In other words, I was doing everything I knew to “baby” my hair in the hopes of it lasting as long as possible. However, in the end, I still knew the inevitable was going to happen.

What I came to realize, though, was that my emotional side wasn’t prepared. How could it be? The last time I had no hair was over 55 years ago, and I didn’t have any self-image issues at the time. In other words, I had no idea how exposed and vulnerable losing my hair was going to leave me feeling.

Up until Thursday (day 14, by the way), my hair seemed to be hanging in there. When I woke up on Thursday, there was nothing on my pillow… nothing to alert me for what happened next. As I brushed my hands through my hair, out came the first handful. My initial thought wasn’t “here it goes.” Nope, my first thought was “Hmmm, that’s really weird.”

Then, I did it again… and again… Each time my hand was filled with hair. I managed to fill up my (plugged) sink four times, before I accepted what I was seeing. Then, almost the same amount came out in the shower. I would like to say, I took a deep breath and just accepted what was, but that isn’t what happened. Instead, I cried… not hard or loud, just silent tears as I continued to dress for the day, as more and more hair fell onto the counter and the floor around me.

As the day progressed, it was hard to keep my hands away from my head. It didn’t hurt. My hair just seemed to be “abandoning ship” at a terrifying rate… And try as I might to remain logical, I learned there was more to it than “just hair.”

I found myself feeling quite powerless, which is a vulnerable feeling. I don’t know about you, but I like my lists, and I like checking things off my list. I like to plan, and I like to be prepared… In other words, I have a need to be in control… Not in control of everyone or everything – just in control of me and those things that are specific to me.

Thankfully, I know me… When I lose that control, I want to hide… That is my go-to behavior. I’m not saying it is the right behavior; I’m just saying it is how I tend to respond. When Bruce died, I made myself go to work after a couple of weeks, mainly because I was scared if I didn’t, I might never leave my house again. Granted, I mostly hid in my office. But, I still scheduled time each day to walk through the office and talk to people just to make myself get out there.

So, on Thursday, when the hair started falling out, I found myself wondering if it would be possible to just stay inside (and hide) for the next several months… I knew it was crazy to get so emotional over hair. I just never realized how attached I was to my hair… I never considered how often I “hide behind my hair and place so much of my own self-worth in this silly mop on my head.

I found myself wondering how Bruce would have reacted… There is a (big) part of me that believes if he were here, he would kiss my little, bald head and tell me how much he loves me. But on Thursday, there was another (very small) part of me that was glad he isn’t here to see me like this… I know that probably sounds weird… After all, I know he loved me, but that is how emotional this balding thing was.

By Thursday evening, though, I knew I needed to do something to pull myself out of the funk I was falling into. I needed to feel like I still had a little bit of power in this whole, crazy thing. That is when I decided to go ahead and shave it off – no more handfuls of hair… no more waiting… and mostly, no more crying.

So that is exactly what I did. On Friday, with my daughter and grandson beside me for support, I went ahead and had my hair dresser buzz it. (So, no… I’m still not squeaky-clean bald, and the tiny little hairs are still falling out each time I rub my head.)

But, the deed is done! So far, using scarves or the wig I bought weeks ago, I have been out to eat, shopping and to church. In other words – I am not hiding. I am fine. On this side of the experience, I keep thinking it’s so crazy how much power I gave my hair in my own self-esteem. After all, I’m still me! I don’t feel or think any different. Well… except when I look in the mirror. Because it takes a while to register that it is me in the reflection, I end up giggling every time.

This current twist on my journey is taking quite a bit of adjustment. But what I’m finding is the lessons I have learned in my grief for Bruce are giving me the strength to see this through. I can do this… and not only will I be okay… I believe I will be stronger for it in the end!

Everyone deals with loss, grief and the hurdles of life in their own way. How we handle the pain and deal with the challenges on our journey is different for each of us. As for me, I still stumble, but I keep getting back up and trying again… I am still learning. So, I guess I will just keep praying for the peace and strength to make through each day.

Does any of this sound familiar to you? If so, would you be willing to share your story with us? There may be someone out there who needs to hear exactly what you have to say…

If you are struggling with grief, loss, loneliness, please know you are not alone – We are here. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… A New Year… A Fresh Start

I know most people start the New Year with resolutions… habits to change and ways to improve. While great in theory, the reality is 80% of resolutions have been abandoned by the end of January and throughout the year another 12% will go by the wayside, as well. The reasons people abandon their resolutions are varied, but generally it boils down to the reason behind the proposed change. If you aren’t passionate about the change – if you are only doing something because you think “you should” – then you are less likely to stick with it… which makes sense.

Many years ago, I gave up on resolutions. I always seemed to be in that 80% that gave up after a few weeks. A couple of years after Bruce died, though, I decided to try something different… Something that still recognized the new year and the fresh start it promises, yet at the same time spoke to my passions rather than my shortcomings. At the suggestion of a friend, rather than a resolution, I decided to have a theme (or mantra) for the year… A statement to reflect the attitude I wanted to carry out.

The first year was a year of “Celebration, Creation and Contribution.” This was the year I started letting myself celebrate holidays (guilt free) and writing this blog. I didn’t make a commitment to do anything – not really. It was simply a commitment of the attitude I wanted to show in each action I undertook. I made a few notes for myself as reminders and placed them where I would see them at least once each day. If I somehow got off course, it wasn’t a big deal. I simply got back on course – no guilt… no feelings of failure.

Each year has held a different theme… Each year, the theme chosen has been directed by where I find myself on my journey. For example, last year my theme was the year of “‘Thy will’ through letting go and forgiveness.” It was such a necessary step for me. Up to that point, I had found myself holding onto so much hurt… Hurt I allowed, even though it was simply a product of people who honestly didn’t know any better.

If you are reading this, I’m sure you know what I mean… The hurt created by things people say or don’t do in response to our grief. I am referring to those things most people in our culture believe are comforting or motivating, but in reality, are just the opposite. But 2017 was the year I learned to accept and understand they really don’t know any better… It was the year to let it go. Admittedly, I wasn’t perfect at this… But I was definitely better… And that was the goal.

So what about this year? Well, I have decided I need a year of self-love and care. (I know – it sounds totally selfish, but it really isn’t.) Here’s what I mean…

First, I am referring to my physical self. Despite carrying health insurance, I haven’t been to a doctor since Bruce died. I had convinced myself that if the doctors didn’t catch Bruce’s heart issues (and he went annually), then why bother? As long as I was working out and eating healthy, other than an actual injury, what more would they do anyway? However, the real truth was I just didn’t care anymore. What did it matter if my health was good or bad? If something DID happen, I was okay with that… After all, that just meant I would be with Bruce… and I was definitely okay with that. (I know, that sounds horribly morbid, but it is the truth, and I have always promised to be truthful here… and the truth is I didn’t care.)

Secondly, I am also referring to my own attitude about myself. I have written before about my previous marriage and the emotional baggage left from that… about Bruce’s unconditional love and fabulous encouragement in whatever I chose to pursue. No matter what, Bruce only saw the good, and that meant everything to me. However, when he died, I felt I had been plunged back in time… My confidence was shaken, my self-esteem was at a new low and my self-worth was almost non-existent.

I know it sounds crazy, but without Bruce’s confidence in me, I was losing my confidence in myself. This isn’t good. Did you know the way we love ourselves is passed on to our children? Yes, my children are adults, but I am still an example. Plus, I now have a grandson in my home, who repeats my words back to me with eye-opening clarity.

Recently, I learned that women (on average) criticize themselves eight or more times a day. I know I am guilty of that, but it needs to change. I need to be kind to myself… If I wouldn’t say it to someone else, then why on earth would I say it to myself?

So, yes, this is my year of self-love and self-care. It is quite a change for me. Daily, I have been reminding myself of my theme and the why’s behind it. So far, I believe I am off to a good start. I have been drinking more water (and less wine), made a doctor’s appointment (ugh), and start each day with a prayer for help and a positive affirmation…

Nothing huge… Nothing grand… Just small actions to remind myself that I do have value and I am worthy. Sometimes it’s hard to remember, but just because we are now on our own, doesn’t mean we no longer matter. I do and you do… Besides, if we aren’t kind to ourselves, why should anyone else treat us any different? We are the ones to set that standard.

If any of this feels familiar, please take eleven minutes and listen to the link below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZkSNblaRA4&feature=youtu.be

Happy New Year to our virtual group. Please know my thoughts and prayers are for all of us as we begin another year without our loved ones by our side. Our support for each other always touches my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were.

If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities.

Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… When you lose the person who believes in you…

As part of my job, I teach several leadership classes. In one such class, we discuss being aware of how others view us using pictures of houses to drive the point home. For example, there is a picture of a “normal” home which represents our view of ourselves. Then, a home where the bushes need to be trimmed and the grass needs to be cut which represents the view of strangers we pass daily. Next is a picture of an unkempt backyard representing your neighbors who can “see it all,” this would be the view of your family and close friends. Then there are pictures of a run-down shack and a treehouse built without any planning representing those people who only see the bad or the quirkiness in us. Finally, there is a castle. This represents those people who only see the good in us… Those who think we are better than maybe we think we are… Those people who believe in us no matter what.

In my life, I have been blessed to have had two people who see me as a castle. The first one was a great influence throughout my childhood… He was my grandfather. He always called me “Little Bit,” and in his eyes, I could do no wrong. He only saw the good, and he always believed I would be successful at whatever I chose to do. Because of him, as a child, I really didn’t think there was anything I couldn’t do (which for my poor mother was not always a good thing… Ha-ha). I remember talking about my dreams and goals for my future and being told “you can’t do that” by others, but I never believed them. Instead, I always believed I could, because my “Pop” believed I could.

But as life would have it, this wonderful man passed away when I was 19. I was young, and this was my first real experience with death. I really don’t remember a lot about my grief or emotions when he passed. What I do know is this was the point where I started losing confidence in myself…

At the time, I was dating my first husband, and I truly thought he would be the one who would fill that “I-believe-in-you” spot. However, through the years, what I experienced was a man who would rave about how wonderful I was one moment, only to turn around and tell me how horrible and worthless I was the next. Since his actions backed up the negative words, those were what I started to believe as well. It didn’t take long to find myself lost in a world where my own worthiness felt non-existent. In fact, for years after we parted, I could still hear his voice in my mind telling me “the world would turn a lot easier if I weren’t on it.”

Then Bruce entered my life and change began to happen. He was a man of few words, and when he spoke, he meant what he said.

One day early in our marriage, I was having a rough day… I was struggling with my own feelings of self-doubt and unworthiness… especially of not being good enough for Bruce. When he sat beside me and asked what I was thinking, I told him I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him… that he had gotten “stuck” with someone else’s left-over trash.

Without a word, he took a piece of paper, crumbled it into a ball, then spread it back out and asked, “Like this?” I nodded with tears flowing down my cheeks. Then, he tore off a very small corner of the crumbled paper and taped it to the middle of a brand new clean piece of paper. He pointed at the small bit of crumbled paper and said, “When you look at yourself, this is all you see.” Then he pointed at the clean paper and went on, “But when I look at you, this is all I see.”

Only a few words and such a simple demonstration, but it hit home… At that point, I knew this man not only loved me, he believed in me… something I had not experienced in a very long time.

Knowing that, I became so much stronger throughout our marriage. My healing had started. However, for the healing to be complete, it couldn’t stop there. At this point, my self-worth was still based on what someone else thought of me… and that is a dangerous place to be…

When Bruce passed away, once again, I felt lost without his affirmations. Because my strength and value were not coming from my core, here I was doubting myself once again. Then in a series of conversations I had with a neighbor, I was repeatedly told I “wasn’t worthy” or “special in any way.” As maddening and frustrating as these conversations were at the time, they showed me I needed to re-shape my own opinion of me… I needed to take it on and own it myself…

This was and still is a daily challenge for me. I do miss hearing Bruce tell me he was proud of me, or that he thought I was amazing even when my accomplishment might seem trivial to the rest of the world. I miss the way even his eyes seemed to smile when I would ask, “Do you love me today?” and he would pull me into his arms and answer, “I love you every day.”

I am not talking about conceit or ego or pride – not at all. Instead, I am referring to an understanding that God created me and loves me just as I am in this moment… If He can do that, I believe I need to be willing to do the same.

Losing the person who believes in you is hard… So is learning to believe in yourself… But it is a battle worth fighting… and believe it or not, no matter who you are – you are worth it!

I am me.
I am the only me that will ever be.
God made me to be unique.
This is my life –
a gift just for me from God.
No one else can live it.
No one else really knows how I should live it.
God will show me.
God will be patient and guide my steps.
I am me.
I want to live the unique life God intended for me…
A unique gift…
for me…
from God.
~ Linda, Sept. 2013

For many of us, whether you are dealing with loss or not, finding our own worthiness can be a struggle. If you are dealing with the loss of the person who believed in you, how have you handled that? OR do you need some support in that area? Would you be willing to reach out… to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Dealing with the criticism (part 1)

I am me.
I am the only me that will ever be.
God made me to be unique.
This is my life –
a gift just for me from God.
No one else can live it.
No one else really knows how I should live it.
God will show me.
God will be patient and guide my steps.
I am me.
I want to live the unique life God intended for me…
A unique gift…
for me…
from God.
~ Linda, Sept. 2013

One of the first things I experienced on this grief journey that threw me for a loop was the number of people who felt the need to tell me how to live… and (in my perception) criticized me when I didn’t do things their way.

Let me back up though… This experience really does have two sides, and we have all experienced both sides. When we are on the “giving” side we call it “giving sound advice,” or “providing feedback.” We mean well, and we believe we are “being helpful.” However, when we are on the “receiving” end and did not ask for the “helpful advice or feedback,” we call it critism or judgement… and many times, it does not feel good.

In fact, at the beginning of this journey, this unsolicited advice and opinions actually made me feel worse. I found that for every piece of advice telling me to do “this,” there was someone else telling me to do “that.” Sometimes I didn’t know what I wanted and other times I knew exactly what I wanted… and the funny part is, usually it wasn’t “this” or “that.”

With that in mind, you can understand that what I perceived fairly quickly was – I couldn’t win no matter what I did, so I might as well do it my way. This was fine, but it didn’t stop the hurt. In my heart, I knew I needed to do something more.

When it comes to the details of what was said to me, I have no intention of making a list here. That is not important in this discussion. What is important is how I have learned to deal with the criticism… and that journey has been a long one.

The First Year

I’ve always hated conflict. So did Bruce… Because of that, we rarely argued. (I’m not saying this was good or bad; it is just the way it was.) As a consequesnce, I didn’t know how to navigate this new conflict in my life. I wasn’t really sure what to do with it or how to handle it.

One of the first things I had to learn to do was to distingush why some opinions mattered more to me than others. I found that it really boiled down to the relationship… did it come from someone I love, a casual friendship or merely an acquaintance?

While I’ve really never been one to bow to peer pressure, up until this time, I had always erred on the side of being a “pleaser” with those closest to me. They mattered to me… Their opinions mattered to me. Therefore, their opinions and words had a lot more impact, either positive or negative.

One of the first things I had to learn to do was to start believing in myself.

According to research, most “pleasers” tend to have a lower self-esteem. I’m not using that as an excuse. In fact, at first I didn’t really believe it. However, once I actually started “peeling the onion,” I realized I had some work to do within myself.

While I knew that my first marriage had left me doubting my self-worth and value, my marriage to Bruce had been just the opposite. He had done so much to build me up. I had become so much stronger during our time together. What I had failed to realize, though, was my self-esteem and value were now just as tightly wrapped up in what Bruce thought of me. Suddenly, without him there to keep reaffirming that, I felt lost… Because my strength and value were not coming from my core, there I was doubting myself and my own value once again.

My first step that first year was to start re-shaping and believing in my own opinion of myself. I am not talking about conceit or ego. I am referring to an understanding of the fact that God created me and loves me just as I am in this moment… If He can do that, I need to be willing to do the same. To help me accomplish this, I started an affirmation board.

I called these my “Intentions,” because it was my intention to start believing in myself without anyone else’s validation. Everytime I had a positive thought or ran across an affirming quote I would add it to the poster… I still do. In fact, it hangs in my bathroom where I can see it in the mirror as I get dressed each morning… On days when I am feeling down about myself, I read through it and remind myself that with or without Bruce, no matter what anyone else says or thinks… I have value, and I am a beloved child of God.

intentions

The next thing I had to learn that year was to distinguish where those opinions and advice were coming from… Were these words being spoken out of love and kindness? Or was it something else? While I can never know someone else’s intent, I do know if what they are saying feels respectful or not. When there is respect, I do not feel threatened or belittled. I don’t feel “shut-down” or a need to defend myself. Instead, I feel safe to discuss the topic.

So, respect became my distinguishing factor.

Was the other person respectful of my situation? My grief? Me? If the answers to these questions are “yes,” then I know I need to consider what is being said. Ultimately though, whether I agree or not is up to me… and the other person, if they are truly respectful, will be okay with that, too.

The last thing I came to understand that first year was the idea that this is my life… no one else’s.

Everyone around me may have an opinion on what they believe I should or should not do, but when all is said and done, I am the only one that will know in my gut and in my soul what is right for me… and that is the path I must take.

How do I know what that path is? This may seem over-simplified, but I ask myself two basic questions… 1. Am I at peace with this? And 2. Does this bring me joy?

When I can answer yes to these two questions, odds are I am on the right path for me.

That first year I learned to have faith and confidence in myself, to distinguish between loving words and unkind criticism and that peace and joy are indicators that I am on the right path for me. That was huge for me! I never would have thought that learning to love and accept myself would be such a huge part of my grief journey, but it has been.

In fact, I have come to understand that in every trial there is a lesson to be learned if I am open to it, because growth doesn’t happen when things are easy…

Growth happens when things get tough, and we have to stretch in order to keep moving forward.

Today, I have shared my first steps for dealing with criticism. Each year, I have gained more insight into dealing with the criticism I felt so intensely on my grief journey. Next week (God willing), I will share a little bit more in Part 2.

What about you? Did you struggle with criticism or judgement after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences, go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog. For daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Dear friend,

This week’s blog is a letter written specifically to widows, widowers and people who are grieving…

Dear friend,

I am so sorry that you are reading this letter right now. Please know that in my heart, I am hugging you tight. I believe grief is one of the hardest things life throws at us, and so I know you must be hurting… that is normal. In fact, everything you are feeling is probably “normal.”

God, I hate that term… “normal.” Who’s to say what is “normal?”

Since most of us knew nothing about a “grief journey” until we were thrown onto it, I thought I would share a little bit from my perspective/experience. I may be ahead of you on this path or I may be behind you… or I may be right there beside you. It doesn’t really matter, because more than likely, wherever you are, something in this will ring true and you will get it.

There are a few things I want you to know before the rest of the world has you convinced you are crazy… People mean well, but for the most part, they have NO idea what you are going through or what you are feeling. They are only going by what they think they would do in your shoes… so don’t put too much stock in what they are telling you, especially if it just plain feels wrong. (Like I said, they mean well, but they have no idea.)

So to clarify – you aren’t crazy! You are vulnerable and your emotions are intense right now… but that doesn’t make you crazy. Take some comfort in knowing that whatever you are feeling is normal. In fact, some days your emotions may run the gamut and go through every extreme of what seems like every possible emotion… and that’s okay.

For the first week or more, you will probably just feel numb. It’s called shock. It is your body’s way of protecting you… what you are going through is so traumatic that your brain and body will only let you feel and remember the bare minimum. Months from now, people will tell you a story about what you said or did during this time and you probably will not remember it at all. That is okay… it is normal.

For the first few months, you will probably hear from everyone and their brother. (If you don’t feel like talking to them, that’s okay too.) They will make offers of help… Take them up on it. It may feel really strange but you will be glad you did. Be specific… If they say, “Let me know what you need.” Tell them! If they say, “Call me if you need anything.” Do it! I believe most people are genuine when they make the offer… they just have no idea what you need and they can’t read your mind – so tell them.

After about 3 – 4 months, you will notice people “dropping away.” Most of the people who have been checking in on you start to disappear from the scene. It is like clockwork, and every mourner I have spoken to has experienced it at about the same point. So here you are with the shock of this new life wearing off and the people who are still available are few.

Why does this happen? I am not sure but if I had to take a guess, I believe that most of them think you are doing okay, (after all, it’s been a few months), so they start to back off and go on with their lives. They have no idea that you are just starting to “feel” again and really need them now more than before.

At about this same time, you will also start to notice that some friends who you thought would be by your side no matter what, have disappeared almost completely off the radar. At the same time, new friends have appeared on the scene. These new friends were a God-send for me… they have been by my side throughout this whole ordeal as if we had been friends forever… If this is your experience, count on them. They are a blessing and a gift… They really are your true friends.

This may be hard, but don’t be too upset with the old friends… More than likely, they are scared (and fear does funny things to people). Watching you go through this ordeal makes death and loss all too real for them. More than likely they are going through their own emotional crisis about now and have no idea what to do or say… so they say nothing and back away.

As time passes, you will find that you have a lot of people who want to “fix” you. I can’t lie – this is extremely frustrating. The craziest part seems to be: while they have never experienced a loss like yours, they definitely believe they know how you should deal with it. For whatever reason, they seem to think they have all the answers for your grief.

The truth is – You are not broken. Therefore, you don’t need to be fixed. Grief is a sadness… a process… It isn’t something to be “fixed.” These people who want to “help” you by “fixing” you have no idea what they are saying or the affect it has. Just be patient and ignore as much as you can.

As for your loved one’s “stuff,” there is no hurry. Decide what you want to do with it today or do it next year – who cares? I will advise that when you are ready to go through it, grab a friend to sit with you and help you… There will be tears and stories that you will want to share.

If you want to keep a few things (or everything) – keep them. If you don’t, that is okay too. Want to give some items to family or friends? By all means – yes! A little caution here though… Do not give away anything until you are ready… Even if someone asks for something. Write it down so you will remember, but don’t let go of anything until you are ready. (There is no need to add resentment to your mountain of emotions.)

Your ring? What do you want to do? Wear it? Not wear it? Move it to the other hand? Wear it on a chain? Replace it with another ring to symbolize your life then (or now)? What about their ring?… So many questions and no answer. The truth is there is no protocol. You just need to follow your heart on this one, even if it changes over time. For me, I wore Bruce’s ring on a chain around my neck and kept mine on my left hand for the first 18 months. Then, I moved mine to the chain with his… and that is where they both are for now.

Dating?… Okay, I don’t know what to tell you except it is up to you. Some people start dating right away and others never do. I haven’t yet but can’t say I won’t. The troubling part for me has been that for whatever reason, people seem to equate dating with “finally being over the grief.” That seems ridiculous to me… I don’t see how the two are intertwined. The grief will always be a part of me; it isn’t something to “get over.”

Anyway… I have heard everything from “just find a toy” (that seems like a selfish concept to me) to “Bruce would want you to” (probably) to “If you do, it will be a dishonor to Bruce and your marriage.” (Seriously… how ridiculous does that sound!?) Goes to prove (once again) that the only person who knows what you should or shouldn’t do is you.

I could go on and on with things to expect or not expect. However, that list could go on forever (and then I would have nothing more to write in this blog). So, I will just add a few random items… One is a list of books that I found helpful. The other is a list of activities that I still find helpful.

Books that have meant a lot to me:
1. Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman
2. Chicken Soup for the Soul: Miraculous Messages from Heaven by Canfield, Hansen, & Newmark
3. I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodby by Noel & Blair
4. The Grief Recovery Handbook by James and Friedman
5. The Woman’s Comfort Book by Jennifer Louden
6. Healing a Spouse’s Grieving Heart by Alan D Wolfelt, PH.D.
7. The Artist’s Way Workbook by Julia Cameron
8. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

Activities that (did and still) help:
1. Plant and maintain a memorial garden.
2. Keep a journal
3. Paint
4. Create a scrapbook of all the emails and cards exchanged.
5. Write poetry
6. Travel
7. Keep a daily list of (at least 5) blessings.
8. Work out daily
9. Weekend Self-retreats
10. Sunrise beach walks
11. Meditate

There is so much more I want to say, but instead I will end with this…

You have probably noticed a central theme throughout this letter – No one has any idea what you need except you. You have value. You are normal.

No one else can make you feel anything unless you allow it, so don’t allow the negative from others to drive your self-worth. Be your own best advocate. Be strong, believe in yourself and trust your gut to know what you need to do or not do…

And most of all, know that you are not on this journey alone. There are a lot of us out here and we care…

Because this is our community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*
Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Another First

How do I live without your love?
One breath at a time…
~ Linda, December 28, 2013

After 2.5 years, I thought I had hit all the “firsts” associated with losing Bruce. However, this week I find myself facing another. My 35th high school reunion is this weekend. I’ve only been to one other… 5 years ago, when I attended my 30th reunion.

I went alone back then because Bruce had to work. However, going alone when you are married and madly in love with your husband is very different than going alone as a widow. To say I am feeling intimidated would be a huge understatement.

Don’t get me wrong… I was also nervous five years ago. In high school, I had been the straight-A nerdy kid who sat quietly in the front row. I had not been in contact with most of my classmates and I had no idea what to expect. Going alone was nerve-racking but Bruce helped instill such a “you-can-do-this” attitude (plus one of my daughters traveled and stayed in the hotel with me), so I didn’t mind pushing myself past my comfort zone.

I am so glad I did, because I had a blast! Five years ago, I met people I had never hung out with before, but my class seems to be a tight-knit group and everyone was wonderful!

When the talk on Face Book started about this reunion, I decided right away, I wasn’t going… not alone… not as a widow. I convinced myself that (a) I was too busy to spend 14 hours driving just to spend a few hours spent at a reunion; (b) I didn’t need to spend the money, etc. This list went on and on. (I can be the queen of excuses when I choose to be.)

Then, life started nudging me. The excitement between my classmates on Face Book started growing. (And I remembered how much fun I had five years ago.) Somehow in the class I am training this week, reunions came up. In the conversation, I mentioned mine and stated I wasn’t going. When they asked why, I tried to explain myself to this group of young adults and found myself stumbling… I didn’t really have a good reason.

After all, as a life coach and mentor, I knew exactly what I was doing. I was avoiding… I was running away – something I always do when I am down-to-my-core scared…

What was I scared of? Scared of going alone, scared of being treated different, scared of not fitting in, scared of being left on the edge – looking in – watching everyone else have fun… just plain scared of the whole thing.

Let me explain.

I’ve learned to go lots of places alone – most places actually. Sometimes that turns out okay and sometimes it is downright bad. It seems to depend on the connection I have with the people I am with. Sometimes I am treated like everyone else and I have a blast. Other times, there is an awkward energy and I feel like a fifth wheel. What if this is one of those awkward times? What if…

I know it probably sounds silly. But even so, these feelings are real… I have to deal with them. If I am honest; if I want to keep growing and moving forward, I need to face my fears, not run away from them… again. I’ve been working on this since Bruce passed… and here it is again.

So you know what I did, right?

I called my son and asked if he wanted to take a weekend trip with me! LOL! Yep, I’m going… but I’m taking some support. I don’t need him to go to the reunion. I just need him close by in case I need a hug… or a shove. : )

Yes… I am well aware that I needed Bruce to be close by on my first KW trip, and my daughter on my first class reunion… and now my son on my first reunion as a widow. I’m okay with that… The bottom line is I’m going. That is huge right now!

And now, the rest of the story…

So I went… I can’t say it was the best night of my life, (no one’s fault… just my own nerves) but it wasn’t the worst either. My son was great encouragement before I left… offering several times to go with me since I was so anxious. As tempting as his offer was, I knew I needed to do this alone. So off I went…

Pushing myself out of the car was a little hard, but I did it. I walked in alone, and I waited in the line alone. I talked to a couple of people, but I couldn’t find my group of friends I was supposed to meet there. Over an hour passed. I felt so out of place… and I started to lose it.

I could feel the tears behind my eyes. What was I thinking? Why did I think this was a good idea? I decided to leave and walked out to my car.

Once safely inside and away from public view, the tears flowed… I couldn’t stop them. All I could think was how much I hate this. I hate the way I feel without Bruce… I hate the way my self-confidence can plummet for no reason at all.

I can’t tell you why, but as I sat there, I started coaching myself… I started telling myself the things I would tell my clients. I won’t go into detail, but within 15 – 20 minutes, the tears were done, and I was headed back inside with a new attitude.

I still felt conspicuous… I still felt like people were staring at me like I have 2 heads, but I just smiled, said hi and kept plowing on. I approached people and talked to them instead of waiting for them to approach me. (NOT my comfort zone!) And, thankfully, it didn’t too long until I found my friends. : ) (Yay!) The rest of the night was spent laughing with my high school girl friends.

My victory? I stayed. I didn’t run away. (That was HUGE!) And I not only survived, I proved something to myself…

When I remember to have faith in myself, I am stronger than I think.

Because this is our community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… A Key West lesson

As I start my blog this week, I am sitting on a ferry bound for Key West… one of my absolute favorite places. As I watch the houses and beaches disappear from sight, I smile as I remember how I ever ended up on this annual trek for our girls’ weekend. A weekend of laughs, tears, hugs and deep, late night conversations. In other words, a wonderful time of sharing, bonding and making memories… a weekend that speaks deep to our souls as women and “soul sistas.”

I smile as I remember the first year I was invited to join this group of women I barely knew… Bruce’s 2 sisters, another girlfriend and myself. The others had known each other for years… I was new to the family, a bit introverted and very new to the experience of an accepting group of in-laws. In other words, I was terrified. My inner “Piglet” kicked in with all the fret and worry that makes Piglet famous, and I decided… I wasn’t going.

Bruce, however, felt I should go. He was never one to tell me what to do normally, but he was pretty insistent about this trip. One night after trying to explain the 100 million reasons why I thought it was a bad idea, I was at the point of tears. At a loss, he finally said, “Would you feel better if I went too?”

I perked right up with that! Yes, that would make me feel better but how in the world was he planning on doing that? This was a girls’ weekend… and he definitely was not a girl.

His solution? Total secrecy… we couldn’t tell anyone. He got a hotel room on the other side of the island. Throughout the weekend, we stayed in constant contact through text. I would tell him where we were, and he would always be within a block. If anything went awry, he promised to be my knight in shining armor and come to my rescue.

The weekend was wonderful! I had a blast. I’ve never been with such a loving group of women. Bruce never had to come to my rescue but by just being close by, he had been my hero… once again. I have been coming back every year since… (but without Bruce).

Now move forward in time… The first year after Bruce’s death, I went but it was hard. I was not interested in meeting or talking to people. I wasn’t even interested in laughing or having fun… all things that make KW what it is. I just wanted to sit and watch the world go by.

I remember a few things about that trip… I remember crying (a lot). I remember the girls taking turns sitting with me as the other 3 would go have fun… never once did they leave me alone nor did they make me feel like I was a bother or that they minded “babysitting” me.

I remember whenever I did talk to someone, I always introduced myself as a widow… Now that, my friend, is a conversation stopper like no other! I remember one of our bartender friends down there finally said, “Just keep breathing. One of these days, you will remember who you are as a person… The day will come when you won’t feel the need to always introduce yourself as a widow.”

At the time, I thought he was crazy… what did he know? But as time has passed, I have realized he was right. Now, I introduce myself as “Linda” (period). Yes, I am a widow, but that does not need to be the focus (or start of) every conversation… not now… not anymore.

As I am anticipating the trip this year, I find myself getting a little anxious. I am an introvert… that is my character. I’m not shy… I am friendly and can hold my own in a conversation. But I am not one to seek out that conversation. I am perfectly content to “people watch” and listen.

But my own inner dialogue went to work on making that simple characteristic a negative one… insisting that my public demeanor makes me a wallflower… the invisible friend. The one people are polite to… but only if they notice me. I was convincing myself that I am just a part of the scenary in the eyes of the world… a nobody.

Do you hear me? Do you hear what I was telling myself? I was doing what a lot of people do. I was listening to that voice in my head tell me that I am not good enough as just I am. The same voice Bruce always told me was wrong…. to ignore it. I don’t need to hustle, scramble or change in order to prove my value or worthiness as a person. I am perfectly fine just as I am. The people who add value to my life, will love me and accept me as I am. They do not try to “fix” me…

My soul sistas are a perfect example of that… That is why I love meeting them in KW every year.

As a widow, however, it becomes hard when that voice starts chattering. It can be loud and quite insistent, and there is no one to tell you any different. That is where I found myself when Bruce died and the volume on that voice increased greatly.

My grief journey, this widowhood, has re-created a loss of self-esteem and self-confidence that I haven’t felt in years. I’m not sure why; it just has. There is something self-defeating in the constant loneliness when the other half of your soul is gone… There is no longer that loving person to lean on or turn to when the days are rough or the nights are dark and long.

And without that person in your life anymore, you must find your strength within you.

As I was writing in my journal this morning, I realized that is where I am… searching for that strength within me – not searching for it from outside myself. I know that was one of the reasons Bruce always wanted me to take this trip. He wanted me to realize that I could just be me (completely me) and still have fun, especially when I am with people who accept me. But even more important, this is true when I can trust and accept myself.

This isn’t easy, nor does it come naturally… not for me. But I can assure you it is true.

This evening, as I return to write the last part of the story, I am back on the ferry and on my way home. This year’s trip is over and I have learned so much. I know without a doubt, we all have something within us that can create feelings of inadequacy… But our job is to not give that voice any power.

At one point this weekend, the four of us talked about that voice and the damage we can allow it to do. We talked about the fact that in order to be a whole person, we have to be look for that love and acceptance within ourselves, because we will never discover our own strength within someone else. We have to love and accept ourselves in order to offer our own unique gifts to the world.

I miss Bruce. I miss his love and I miss his companionship. I even miss his support and the security he offered. But in my core, I know my value didn’t (and still doesn’t) come from him… it comes from within myself. He taught me that a long time ago…

When Bruce died and my world turned upside down, I forgot it for a while. But as time passes, I am learning to love and trust myself again. I am learning that God made me as I am for a reason… I owe no apologies for that, nor should I try to be someone else. I just need to breathe, be comfortable with myself and be true to myself… without any self-doubt.

THEN, I can go out in the world and have FUN living the life I am meant to live.

Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. Tell us what lessons or epiphanies you have had. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… The value I couldn’t see

Recent research has shown that 2 out of 3 people have low self-esteem. WOW! That is quite a number! (And losing sight of your own value as a human being is quite a loss.) There are many things that feed into how we feel about ourselves but evidently many of us are buying into some pretty negative ideas. I grew up feeling loved and as a child, I remember feeling extremely confident. I have no idea at what point I lost that or why. I could play psychologist and wager a guess, but it would be exactly that – a guess.

I do know that by the time I met my first husband, my self esteem was already low… he didn’t create it. But because I didn’t value myself, I accepted that fact that he didn’t either. I spent many years accepting behaviors that should never have been tolerated… but I didn’t believe in my own value enough to set a boundary or have higher expectations.
After my first marriage ended, as I mentioned a few weeks ago, I had a lot of healing to do. I worked hard and I made progress, but always in the back of my mind was “His” voice saying, “The world would spin a lot easier if you weren’t on it.”

Bruce, however, saw me in a different light… His perspective became something I clung to when that other voice got too loud. I remember one day, soon after we were married. We were sitting on the barstools at the kitchen counter. I don’t remember what triggered the conversation, I only remember the miracle of his response.

I was feeling down on myself, and he was trying to understand why. (God bless him!) I took a piece of notebook paper, crumpled it into a ball and smoothed it back out. Then, I repeated that process several times. The paper looked like a crumpled mess… definitely a piece of trash.

“I feel like this is me,” I said. “Nothing but someone else’s piece of trash and you got stuck with someone else’s trash (me).”

Bruce sat quietly for a moment or two, never one to be rushed – always one to think things through before speaking. I don’t know what I expected to hear or if I even expected anything, but what he said next was a turning point for me.

Gently, he took a clean piece of paper from the stack and set it beside that crumpled paper. Then, as he touched the clean paper, he said, “I don’t think that at all.” Slowly, he tore off a corner of the clean paper and placed it in the center of the crumpled paper. “You may see all of this when you look at yourself,” he said as he gestured to the crumpled paper. “But when I look at you, all I see is this.” And he gently touched the clean piece he had laid in the center.

Why am I telling this story? Because after that, with Bruce’s unconditional love, I began to rebuild my own thought process about myself. It was a slow process and there were still some major gaps but I was moving forward… until that day in January of 2013 when my world fell apart.

When Bruce passed, I felt like I had been abandoned. I couldn’t understand why God would let this happen. Why did I have to spend so many years with someone who couldn’t love me and only a few short years with someone who loved me beyond all reason? Emotionally, I fell backwards about 10 years in regards to my self-worth and value. I couldn’t seem to believe in my own value anymore… If God didn’t see me as valuable, how could I? My self-esteem fell lower and lower. I couldn’t seem to pick myself up… not alone… not by myself.

Then, I met a wonderful woman who worked with me as a coach (and is still a dear, dear friend). By asking all the right questions (some that were initially infuriating), she helped me realize I had spent most of my life letting other people shape my thoughts about myself. When I was married to Bruce, it was positive shaping, but I was still giving that power to someone else. Until I learned to shape my own thoughts, I would always flounder with my own value… and that is a loss no one has to endure.

I started with an “Intentions” poster that still hangs in my bathroom. On it, I list short, encouraging phrases that build me up or encourage positive action. I, also, learned (and started implementing) the knowledge that just because someone says something, doesn’t make it true. I don’t have to take it in and make it a part of me. Shoot, I don’t even have to respond to it. Instead, I can realize that it is merely a reflection on them and their thought processes. I have the option to let it go… so I do.

There have been other epiphanies along this journey, and I have probably made the most progress in the last 8+ months as I become stronger in the knowledge that I have value. God never abandoned me or wanted me to hurt. He sent Bruce as a blessing… A starting point for my healing. God created me and loves me just as I am… He knows I am not perfect, but that is no surprise to him. He made me that way and loves me anyway. In fact, I am finally learning to love me just as I am, as well… Only this time it is not because someone else says I do or do not deserve it.

Losing Bruce was hard and losing myself in that process made it even harder. However, I know now that I am a whole person just as I am. Bruce always wanted me to know and believe that. Because of him, his love, his patience and his gentle nature, I am finally getting there.

I would have never thought that it would take grief for me to learn to see my own value. But life seems to teach us what we need to know wherever we are on our path.

Thank you, Babe, for always believing in me…

Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.