Tag: Key West

Peace, Love, and Grief – Another Day in Paradise

Writing that title, I realize that it may come across as sarcasm, and while that is not my intent, I can’t say that it is wrong either. I mean it sincerely, in that I just spent most of the last week in Key West, which is MY paradise. At the same time, another day without Bruce is not paradise, and hence the sarcasm… Hmmm… I think I will need to sit with that a while this afternoon and see where I land.

However… today is about key West. I was trying to count while I was down there, and I think it was trip 13 for me… Obviously, there is something there that just keeps calling me back… Maybe it is the fun we always have there. Maybe it is the relaxation that is just a part of the vibe there. Or maybe it is all of the precious memories that have been made there through the years.

This past week was my 4th trip there with my son. It was a great week spent relaxing by the pool, and eating, drinking, and people watching at our favorite spots. However, today I want to backtrack to those first few trips almost two decades ago, probably because those two trips kept playing through my mind this past week…

Bruce’s two sisters went every year. It was their “girls’ trip” and the stories they returned with were hilarious! I listened in awe to what felt immensely courageous to me – to go somewhere for several days and just have fun – nothing to do but relax and enjoy the time away.

The first time I listened to these stories, Bruce and I had only been married for a few months. That same year, they gave us some gift certificates to a few restaurants and told us that we should go, too. That did not take much persuasion. A few months later, we were off on our own adventure. We flew into Miami, rented a car, and started the beautiful drive south – to Key West.

Bruce had found us a quaint little retro motel in the heart of the city, where we spent the day by the pool. Then, at night, we went to dinner and explored the city. Some of my favorite memories from that trip include Bruce introducing me to my first Mojito – still one of my favs, and running in the rain back to the hotel one night after “dressing up” for some “fine dining”. (Keep those terms relative to the whole KW vibe.) We both laughed so hard as we dodged the rain – running from one covering to the next and still managing to get absolutely soaked!

Almost a year later, I came home from work to find Bruce talking to one of his sisters, “Absolutely! She would love that.”

“What will I love?” I asked as he hung up.

“My sisters want you to go on their KW trip with them this summer,” he responded with a big ole grin.

My reaction was… “No, thank you.”

This is where I am going to try to explain, although I’m not sure it will make sense…

You see, it wasn’t that I disliked his sisters. They were always nice to me. However, even after a year of marriage, I didn’t feel like I knew them that well. We got along at family dinners and get-togethers, but we lived too far apart to see each other often enough to build a deep relationship.

As far as Bruce was concerned, though, that was all the more reason to go. He truly wanted the three of us to have a good, solid relationship, and what better way than a week together at the beach? Besides, he argued, it would be good for me to see that it’s okay to get away and “let my hair down”. As far as he was concerned, I had been through too much and I needed to learn that it is okay to relax… okay to simply enjoy life.

My next hesitation was the fact that I had never been accepted by my ex’s family. His parents and most of his siblings had made it quite clear that I was not an accepted part of the family… I was simply their son’s/brother’s wife, but nothing more… and eventually, I gave up trying. So, in my mind, there was still a lot of those feelings of being rejected. It felt safer to keep my distance. As long as we could “get along” that was more of a relationship than I had ever had with my previous in-laws.

Again, Bruce was adamant. He loved his sisters. He loved me. He wanted the three of us to learn to love each other, too.

I was still terrified to go, so I pulled the last card I had – finances. I had just lost everything I owned a few short months before Bruce and I married. I was still recovering from that… Plus, while I had a good job, I also had kids who still needed whatever support I could manage. How could I possibly excuse a trip to the Keys (flight, hotel, food, etc.) when I had so many other financial responsibilities that were much more important?

Next thing I knew, I received a phone call from Bruce’s Mom…

She was just as adamant as Bruce that this trip was a good thing, and the next thing I knew she was telling me, (not offering or asking – but telling me), that they would pay for me to go and the money was already on its way.

I was stunned!! Who were these amazing people who seemed to truly want good things for me?

So… here I was – out of excuses, yet, absolutely terrified to go. What if things went sideways? What if they ended up hating me? If things went wrong, I would be stuck. There would be no leaving early if things got awkward.

Emotionally, I was a wreck. Bruce never asked for much of anything. Therefore, I knew that if he was insisting that I go this was something truly important to him. At the same time, my self-confidence at this point was a whopping “zero”. I just knew I was not going to be enough… I was not going to live up to anything they thought would be good enough for their brother and definitely not their friendship.

I remember just falling apart. I would go, because everyone was so insistent… But, I also knew I would fail. This was going to be a train wreck, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

That was when Bruce came up with a solution… Something that gave me the confidence to go, and also provided some security that everything would be okay… even if I managed to mess things up. So… this sweet man went too, but not with us. In fact, I was the only one that knew he was there. He arrived the day after and left the day before. He checked in throughout the week – keeping tabs on how things were going, as well as where we were (or where we were heading next), so that we wouldn’t run into him.

To his credit, that gesture gave me the confidence I needed to relax and just be me… It was a great week and the first of many “sister trips” to Key West. He was also right… His sisters are wonderful and still a significant part of my life to this day. The late-night talks when traveling or visiting each other, plus their non-judgement and encouragement to just “be me” have continued to be a huge part of my healing and growth.

And to give credit to Key West… With all of these precious memories made there, it will always be “paradise” in my mind.

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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

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Peace, Love and Grief… A Key West lesson

As I start my blog this week, I am sitting on a ferry bound for Key West… one of my absolute favorite places. As I watch the houses and beaches disappear from sight, I smile as I remember how I ever ended up on this annual trek for our girls’ weekend. A weekend of laughs, tears, hugs and deep, late night conversations. In other words, a wonderful time of sharing, bonding and making memories… a weekend that speaks deep to our souls as women and “soul sistas.”

I smile as I remember the first year I was invited to join this group of women I barely knew… Bruce’s 2 sisters, another girlfriend and myself. The others had known each other for years… I was new to the family, a bit introverted and very new to the experience of an accepting group of in-laws. In other words, I was terrified. My inner “Piglet” kicked in with all the fret and worry that makes Piglet famous, and I decided… I wasn’t going.

Bruce, however, felt I should go. He was never one to tell me what to do normally, but he was pretty insistent about this trip. One night after trying to explain the 100 million reasons why I thought it was a bad idea, I was at the point of tears. At a loss, he finally said, “Would you feel better if I went too?”

I perked right up with that! Yes, that would make me feel better but how in the world was he planning on doing that? This was a girls’ weekend… and he definitely was not a girl.

His solution? Total secrecy… we couldn’t tell anyone. He got a hotel room on the other side of the island. Throughout the weekend, we stayed in constant contact through text. I would tell him where we were, and he would always be within a block. If anything went awry, he promised to be my knight in shining armor and come to my rescue.

The weekend was wonderful! I had a blast. I’ve never been with such a loving group of women. Bruce never had to come to my rescue but by just being close by, he had been my hero… once again. I have been coming back every year since… (but without Bruce).

Now move forward in time… The first year after Bruce’s death, I went but it was hard. I was not interested in meeting or talking to people. I wasn’t even interested in laughing or having fun… all things that make KW what it is. I just wanted to sit and watch the world go by.

I remember a few things about that trip… I remember crying (a lot). I remember the girls taking turns sitting with me as the other 3 would go have fun… never once did they leave me alone nor did they make me feel like I was a bother or that they minded “babysitting” me.

I remember whenever I did talk to someone, I always introduced myself as a widow… Now that, my friend, is a conversation stopper like no other! I remember one of our bartender friends down there finally said, “Just keep breathing. One of these days, you will remember who you are as a person… The day will come when you won’t feel the need to always introduce yourself as a widow.”

At the time, I thought he was crazy… what did he know? But as time has passed, I have realized he was right. Now, I introduce myself as “Linda” (period). Yes, I am a widow, but that does not need to be the focus (or start of) every conversation… not now… not anymore.

As I am anticipating the trip this year, I find myself getting a little anxious. I am an introvert… that is my character. I’m not shy… I am friendly and can hold my own in a conversation. But I am not one to seek out that conversation. I am perfectly content to “people watch” and listen.

But my own inner dialogue went to work on making that simple characteristic a negative one… insisting that my public demeanor makes me a wallflower… the invisible friend. The one people are polite to… but only if they notice me. I was convincing myself that I am just a part of the scenary in the eyes of the world… a nobody.

Do you hear me? Do you hear what I was telling myself? I was doing what a lot of people do. I was listening to that voice in my head tell me that I am not good enough as just I am. The same voice Bruce always told me was wrong…. to ignore it. I don’t need to hustle, scramble or change in order to prove my value or worthiness as a person. I am perfectly fine just as I am. The people who add value to my life, will love me and accept me as I am. They do not try to “fix” me…

My soul sistas are a perfect example of that… That is why I love meeting them in KW every year.

As a widow, however, it becomes hard when that voice starts chattering. It can be loud and quite insistent, and there is no one to tell you any different. That is where I found myself when Bruce died and the volume on that voice increased greatly.

My grief journey, this widowhood, has re-created a loss of self-esteem and self-confidence that I haven’t felt in years. I’m not sure why; it just has. There is something self-defeating in the constant loneliness when the other half of your soul is gone… There is no longer that loving person to lean on or turn to when the days are rough or the nights are dark and long.

And without that person in your life anymore, you must find your strength within you.

As I was writing in my journal this morning, I realized that is where I am… searching for that strength within me – not searching for it from outside myself. I know that was one of the reasons Bruce always wanted me to take this trip. He wanted me to realize that I could just be me (completely me) and still have fun, especially when I am with people who accept me. But even more important, this is true when I can trust and accept myself.

This isn’t easy, nor does it come naturally… not for me. But I can assure you it is true.

This evening, as I return to write the last part of the story, I am back on the ferry and on my way home. This year’s trip is over and I have learned so much. I know without a doubt, we all have something within us that can create feelings of inadequacy… But our job is to not give that voice any power.

At one point this weekend, the four of us talked about that voice and the damage we can allow it to do. We talked about the fact that in order to be a whole person, we have to be look for that love and acceptance within ourselves, because we will never discover our own strength within someone else. We have to love and accept ourselves in order to offer our own unique gifts to the world.

I miss Bruce. I miss his love and I miss his companionship. I even miss his support and the security he offered. But in my core, I know my value didn’t (and still doesn’t) come from him… it comes from within myself. He taught me that a long time ago…

When Bruce died and my world turned upside down, I forgot it for a while. But as time passes, I am learning to love and trust myself again. I am learning that God made me as I am for a reason… I owe no apologies for that, nor should I try to be someone else. I just need to breathe, be comfortable with myself and be true to myself… without any self-doubt.

THEN, I can go out in the world and have FUN living the life I am meant to live.

Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. Tell us what lessons or epiphanies you have had. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.