I know most people start the New Year with resolutions… habits to change and ways to improve. While great in theory, the reality is 80% of resolutions have been abandoned by the end of January and throughout the year another 12% will go by the wayside, as well. The reasons people abandon their resolutions are varied, but generally it boils down to the reason behind the proposed change. If you aren’t passionate about the change – if you are only doing something because you think “you should” – then you are less likely to stick with it… which makes sense.
Many years ago, I gave up on resolutions. I always seemed to be in that 80% that gave up after a few weeks. A couple of years after Bruce died, though, I decided to try something different… Something that still recognized the new year and the fresh start it promises, yet at the same time spoke to my passions rather than my shortcomings. At the suggestion of a friend, rather than a resolution, I decided to have a theme (or mantra) for the year… A statement to reflect the attitude I wanted to carry out.
The first year was a year of “Celebration, Creation and Contribution.” This was the year I started letting myself celebrate holidays (guilt free) and writing this blog. I didn’t make a commitment to do anything – not really. It was simply a commitment of the attitude I wanted to show in each action I undertook. I made a few notes for myself as reminders and placed them where I would see them at least once each day. If I somehow got off course, it wasn’t a big deal. I simply got back on course – no guilt… no feelings of failure.
Each year has held a different theme… Each year, the theme chosen has been directed by where I find myself on my journey. For example, last year my theme was the year of “‘Thy will’ through letting go and forgiveness.” It was such a necessary step for me. Up to that point, I had found myself holding onto so much hurt… Hurt I allowed, even though it was simply a product of people who honestly didn’t know any better.
If you are reading this, I’m sure you know what I mean… The hurt created by things people say or don’t do in response to our grief. I am referring to those things most people in our culture believe are comforting or motivating, but in reality, are just the opposite. But 2017 was the year I learned to accept and understand they really don’t know any better… It was the year to let it go. Admittedly, I wasn’t perfect at this… But I was definitely better… And that was the goal.
So what about this year? Well, I have decided I need a year of self-love and care. (I know – it sounds totally selfish, but it really isn’t.) Here’s what I mean…
First, I am referring to my physical self. Despite carrying health insurance, I haven’t been to a doctor since Bruce died. I had convinced myself that if the doctors didn’t catch Bruce’s heart issues (and he went annually), then why bother? As long as I was working out and eating healthy, other than an actual injury, what more would they do anyway? However, the real truth was I just didn’t care anymore. What did it matter if my health was good or bad? If something DID happen, I was okay with that… After all, that just meant I would be with Bruce… and I was definitely okay with that. (I know, that sounds horribly morbid, but it is the truth, and I have always promised to be truthful here… and the truth is I didn’t care.)
Secondly, I am also referring to my own attitude about myself. I have written before about my previous marriage and the emotional baggage left from that… about Bruce’s unconditional love and fabulous encouragement in whatever I chose to pursue. No matter what, Bruce only saw the good, and that meant everything to me. However, when he died, I felt I had been plunged back in time… My confidence was shaken, my self-esteem was at a new low and my self-worth was almost non-existent.
I know it sounds crazy, but without Bruce’s confidence in me, I was losing my confidence in myself. This isn’t good. Did you know the way we love ourselves is passed on to our children? Yes, my children are adults, but I am still an example. Plus, I now have a grandson in my home, who repeats my words back to me with eye-opening clarity.
Recently, I learned that women (on average) criticize themselves eight or more times a day. I know I am guilty of that, but it needs to change. I need to be kind to myself… If I wouldn’t say it to someone else, then why on earth would I say it to myself?
So, yes, this is my year of self-love and self-care. It is quite a change for me. Daily, I have been reminding myself of my theme and the why’s behind it. So far, I believe I am off to a good start. I have been drinking more water (and less wine), made a doctor’s appointment (ugh), and start each day with a prayer for help and a positive affirmation…
Nothing huge… Nothing grand… Just small actions to remind myself that I do have value and I am worthy. Sometimes it’s hard to remember, but just because we are now on our own, doesn’t mean we no longer matter. I do and you do… Besides, if we aren’t kind to ourselves, why should anyone else treat us any different? We are the ones to set that standard.
If any of this feels familiar, please take eleven minutes and listen to the link below.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZkSNblaRA4&feature=youtu.be
Happy New Year to our virtual group. Please know my thoughts and prayers are for all of us as we begin another year without our loved ones by our side. Our support for each other always touches my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were.
If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *
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