self-care – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief… Thoughts on Grief…

Some days are better than others. Some weeks are better than others. Earlier this week was a bit on the rough side. Maybe I was just tired, or maybe it was some not-so-great news that I need to deal with, or maybe it just was what it was… I have no real gut feeling about why or what… All I can say is there were some rough days where my emotions were all over the place.

One moment I was so sad – inconsolably sad. The next, I was fine – steady, strong, balanced. Then, within the blink of an eye, I would be so angry… It was like all the first year’s emotions but in the space of a few days and cycling over and over.

This was a first for me… Usually, I know what the trigger is, and am able to fight ruminating over That. This… This was new… This was different, and I wasn’t sure how to cope. So, I have found myself doing a lot of meditating and self-care.

Given that I am working on me this weekend, I thought I would do something a little bit different. Several months after Bruce died, poetry became one of the most healing ways to express myself… It has provided a marvelous outlet for so many emotions. So, I thought I would share one poem from each year since Bruce died.

September 2013

I dance with you in my mind.
You hold me next to you.
I feel your heartbeat and the strength of your arms.
As the music plays,
We move gently and gracefully as one.
Then, it ends with a kiss,
As I wish for one more dance.

I laugh with you in my dreams.
I see your sweet smile,
And your kind and gentle eyes.
I hear you start to chuckle.
Your smile grows.
Then, you wink at me,
As I wish for more laughter

I make love with you in my heart.
I feel your strength and your gentleness.
Your compassion and love flow into me
With every touch and each sweet kiss.

We become one in that moment.
Then I lay in your arms
As you hold me close,
Gently kissing my lips, my eyes, and my fingertips
As I wish for one more loving moment with you
One more dance…
One more laugh…
One more chance to love you…

Then, I realize, these are always within me…
Because I have loved you,
As you have loved me.

January 2014

Like a sailboat without a rudder,
I float along.
The wind blows the sails,
But I cannot control where I go.

I am lost…
There is no hope,
No direction.
I cry out for help,
But there is no one to hear…
No one to care…
No one to help.
Just the wind and the endless sea.

Where am I going?
Where will I end up?

I cannot say.
I do not know.
I just sit,
And watch the wind carry me where it will,
As I cry and fill this ocean with my tears.

January 2015

My soul cries…
The agony is beyond words.
I feel your soul answer in response.

Why?
Why are we on opposite planes?
Why can’t I feel you,
Hold you,
Hear you,
See you…

This is a pain so intense.
So deep,
It cannot be healed.
It is my soul crying out for yours…

February 2016

My heart breaks every day,
When I awake
And remember that I am here…
And you are gone.

April 2017

I can’t believe you are no longer here…

… No longer looking at the same blue sky.
… No longer smelling the fresh air of morning.
… No longer feeling the sand under your feet.
… No longer looking at the same moon
Of smelling the salt air
Or hearing the whisper of the wind.

… No longer able to share any experiences.
… No longer a part of the world.
… No longer a part of my world.

Will this ever feel normal?

January 2018

They lie…
Time heals nothing.
It still hurts…
And I don’t know how to make it stop.

I’ve learned to smile at the world.
I’ve learned to push the hurt down and say,
“I’m fine”
But it still hurts…

I have learned to laugh again.
I have learned to find joy
in quiet moments
Spent with those I love.
But it still hurts.

I think it will probably always hurt…
Simply because you aren’t here.

August 2019

Push those feelings down.
It’s been too long.
Don’t talk about it!

Push them down!

Why can’t you let him go?
What’s wrong with you?
Is this normal?

Push those feelings down!

Push them down…
And when you come up for air…
Be sure you are smiling.

October 2020

All my life,
I knew you were missing.
Then like a miracle,
You were there.

And…
Just as suddenly,
You were gone…

My soul cries.

September 2021

This week
I have missed you,
And
I have remembered you.

I have cried for you,
And
I have danced with you.

I am tired of hurting,
But
I’m not tired of loving you!

March 2022

Why does it still hurt so badly?
I would give anything
For a word of encouragement
Or a long hug…
From you.

I am drowning.
I come up for air,
But it isn’t enough…
Then, I am back down,
Struggling for one more breath.

I sit here in the silence,
Praying for the sound of
Your truck in the driveway,
Your footstep on the porch,
Or your key in the lock.

But they never come…
Always… just this unending,
Damnable silence.

January 2023

I miss you,
And my heart is breaking…
Again.

I miss you,
And the tears are falling…
Again.

I miss you,
And I am all alone…
Again.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are.

Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

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Peace, Love, and Grief… Self-care

Since you died,
Life often feels like a board game,
With no rules or directions.
I am just a playing piece…
A token
And I have no idea where to move,
Or what the goal is anymore.
Someone roles the dice
And I move through the days,
But it just isn’t fun anymore.
~ Linda, 2023

I missed last week… I apologize for not saying anything beforehand. However, as life happens, I didn’t know how last weekend would turn out. You see, I have been traveling a lot this year, and as we all know, life has a way of catching up with us. By Sunday, I was absolutely exhausted, and simply needed a little self-care…

Self-care… there’s a word, I believe more of us need to be told about (or reminded of) from the beginning of this journey. Self-care is defined as “anything you do to take of yourself so you can stay physically, mentally, and emotionally well.” * In fact, “research suggests self-care promotes positive health outcomes, such as fostering resilience, living longer, and becoming better equipped to manage stress.” *

Now, I don’t know about you, but I wasn’t raised to think about or do self-care. In fact, the subliminal message was that self-care was selfish and indulgent. Like many other women, my role, as a wife and mother, was to take care of everyone else’s needs first. With a large family, my days started before the sun came up and ended sometime around midnight (give or take an hour or so). Everyday there was laundry to do, carpools to run, meals to fix, a house to clean, pets to tend to, and a family to care for. Then, when I started working as a teacher, lesson plans, grades, and work time were all added in, as well.

I know… nothing that the rest of the world isn’t doing, also… And honestly, I wasn’t complaining because I didn’t know any different. It was what my mother had done and her mother before her… But good grief, how unhealthy!

It wasn’t until I met Bruce that I learned what self-care was – only he called it “balance”. Whatever you call it, it was heavenly! He believed in everyone pulling their own weight at home… Suddenly, it didn’t all fall on my shoulders. That meant we worked as a family, so that we could play and relax as a family. He also was a stickler for an early bedtime. Admittedly, this took me a while to adjust to, but once I did, I have never gone back to those crazy hours from before. Like me, he was also a health nut, so eating healthy foods and working out was simply a way of life…

And all of that was… (you guessed it) … self-care!

Self-care became woven into the rhythm of our life, and I was thriving… Then, Bruce died… And suddenly, I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care if I was dead or alive… Life just seemed empty and hollow. All of that self-care seemed to be one of the first things I lost on this journey.

I stopped sleeping… I barely ate… and in no time, I was gaunt, depressed, isolating, and (extremely) unhealthy. I remember a few people telling me to take care of myself. I think I smiled and nodded in response, but I was so far down the rabbit hole, I wasn’t even sure what they meant anymore.

One of the few things I continued to do, though, was run. I love to run… It clears my head, gets my blood pumping, and reminds me I am alive… So I ran… a lot. (I still do, actually.)

My biggest challenge, though, was (and still is) sleep. Here, I had a multifaceted problem…

1. I had to learn how to sleep alone. Bruce and I had spent our years together sleeping in each other’s arms. Now, suddenly, there were no arms… no warm body to cuddle up to.
2. For the 1st few years, I would wake up several times a week at the exact time Bruce had died. (I know that is probably a trauma response, and now it only happens occasionally.)

Thankfully, through the years, I have kept the consistent bedtime, and tried all kinds of other things to help me sleep. However, this particular area is still a work in progress for me.

Another huge challenge for me was food… eating to be more specific. I just wasn’t hungry… Nothing had any taste. (I’m pretty sure, this too was a shock response.) I remember my mother telling me to just eat a baked potato or a PBJ… Anything to get some food in my belly, I suppose. Yet for me, food was always a social event, and now, it was a solo event. I just didn’t think or even care about eating – that is until my daughter and grandson moved in. Just like that, having others in the house who needed to eat changed my own habits. Once again, eating became a family event, and healthy food found its way back into my world.

Of course, that wasn’t all of it. I had a lot of trauma and depression to work through. In fact, these are things I am still working on (and making steady progress, I might add). Besides counseling, I have also added meditation, gardening, writing, painting, yoga, and numerous other activities to my days throughout the years. Each of these has contributed to building up my mental and spiritual health, as well.

And… this year, I have pushed myself out the door… no more isolating or hiding in my house. I have found a church, a women’s group, and some local classes, as well as traveling… Which brings us full circle to the reason for my absence last week. I had just returned home and desperately needed a day to do absolutely nothing… Just a day of self-care.

So… if you (like me) are struggling with remembering (or knowing) how to take care of yourself in your grief, please… please… keep trying or give it a try. Don’t quit on yourself. You are worth it, I promise!

Start with baby steps… find one area where you can make a positive change… maybe it’s eating or sleeping… maybe it’s learning to laugh again… maybe it’s learning to get back out into the world and being social… Or maybe you have been keeping extra busy to avoid the emotions of grief… maybe some of us need to slow down… Give yourself permission to rest… or to simply feel what you feel.

Each of us is different, so I can’t say what you need, but you know… just as I knew. That’s why this is a journey…

So then, my prayer for all of us this week is that we might reflect on our lives, embrace who we are, and envision what we desire in our lives… Then, take the steps (as slowly as we need) to get there.

Note: If you have found things that have helped you with your self-care, let’s share them with each other this week. What a wonderful way to support each other on this path!

* everydayhealth.com
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Self-Care

In case you happened to notice, I missed writing last week… We had family here from out of state and out of the country. I am sure you can imagine that with Mother’s Day, it was a bit of fun, family chaos. (And I wouldn’t have missed a minute of it!) Initially, I intended to still write a blog, but as the days passed, I decided that this time together was too precious. Who knows if we will ever get this chance again? So, I did something that felt selfish in the moment… But it wasn’t – not really. It was what I would refer to as self-care.

What is self-care? “Self-care is any activity we do to take care of our mental, emotional, spiritual, or physical health.” ~ Switch Research: Self Love Journal, Day 65

So why am I writing about self-care? Well, for me, this has been a struggle for most of my life. I tend to be that person who wants to take of everyone else, and somewhere along the way, I have a tendency to lose touch with myself in the process… And that is on no one else… That is completely on me.

It’s funny, when Bruce was here, we tended to help each other with this. He would nudge me to relax and spend some time letting go… (and I did the same for him, I think). For example, all my life, being by the water has been my calming force. It is the place I withdraw to for some peace of mind or when life just feels like it is becoming too much. Knowing that, Bruce would usually plan days near the water – either on the boat or at the beach. He always seemed to know when I needed that time. He just knew when my tank was running on empty, and I needed some space… some self-care.

Since he died, though, I have had to learn how to do this for myself, and honestly, it has been a bit of a struggle…

At the start of this journey, I preferred to stay busy. I preferred to take of others. That was a whole lot easier than slowing down enough to notice Bruce was gone and how deeply I was hurting. As time passed, though, I started to feel the anxiety and tension building up inside me. I knew something had to give, but I wasn’t sure how to relieve some of the pressure. Eventually, I came to realize that there was a part of me that believed I simply wasn’t worthy of any self-care… Self-care just seemed like such a selfish act, and how dare I even consider such a thing!

But it isn’t. It is just as important as exercise, getting enough rest, and eating right.

So, I started very simple… At first, I started by just writing in my journal each day or taking a stroll on the beach and enjoying the sunshine and surf. After some time, I added in some of my old hobbies, such as painting and sewing, and added new hobbies, such as gardening.

Now, it includes a quiet teatime in the morning with some reading and journaling to find my “center” and get my mindset for the day… Or some porch sittin’ in the evening when the heat of the day is beginning to diminish, and the breezes are picking up. Sometimes, I even find myself just sitting quietly and focusing on all the things around me that otherwise go unnoticed in the business of life.

That’s just it… Self-care will be something different for each of us, but we all need it, (whether we are grieving or not). I’m not saying that grief makes it harder. Yet, for me, grief did create that “perfect storm”. I balked at the thought of doing these things for myself, mostly because Bruce had been the first person to show me just how important it was. He knew I was worthy of it, but I did not… And he spent many a Sunday showing me that I was worthy (period).

He tried so hard to show me that life would carry on and be just fine without me for a little while… So that is where I am now… learning to give myself the space to do those things that bring me mental and spiritual peace and health.

That will look different for each of us. Shoot, it even looks different for me on a daily basis. What I need today will be different than what I needed yesterday or will need tomorrow. The important thing is paying attention and taking the actions that are needed.

That is what I did last weekend. I gave myself the space to simple “be”- to be with my family and take in each precious moment… And that is what I want for each of you, as well… Trust me when I say that you are worthy of taking some time for you… And the results are pretty amazing!

Loss is hard, and the grief left in its wake is even harder. I am continuously learning on this journey – mostly about myself… what I think about life, faith, and love. I still hate it. After all, I didn’t ask to be here. However, I can honestly say that there are more good days than bad as I learn those things that bring a little bit of healing each day. Although, I still find myself wishing for a world where Bruce is here beside me. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without him. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!

In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love and Grief… A New Year… A Fresh Start

I know most people start the New Year with resolutions… habits to change and ways to improve. While great in theory, the reality is 80% of resolutions have been abandoned by the end of January and throughout the year another 12% will go by the wayside, as well. The reasons people abandon their resolutions are varied, but generally it boils down to the reason behind the proposed change. If you aren’t passionate about the change – if you are only doing something because you think “you should” – then you are less likely to stick with it… which makes sense.

Many years ago, I gave up on resolutions. I always seemed to be in that 80% that gave up after a few weeks. A couple of years after Bruce died, though, I decided to try something different… Something that still recognized the new year and the fresh start it promises, yet at the same time spoke to my passions rather than my shortcomings. At the suggestion of a friend, rather than a resolution, I decided to have a theme (or mantra) for the year… A statement to reflect the attitude I wanted to carry out.

The first year was a year of “Celebration, Creation and Contribution.” This was the year I started letting myself celebrate holidays (guilt free) and writing this blog. I didn’t make a commitment to do anything – not really. It was simply a commitment of the attitude I wanted to show in each action I undertook. I made a few notes for myself as reminders and placed them where I would see them at least once each day. If I somehow got off course, it wasn’t a big deal. I simply got back on course – no guilt… no feelings of failure.

Each year has held a different theme… Each year, the theme chosen has been directed by where I find myself on my journey. For example, last year my theme was the year of “‘Thy will’ through letting go and forgiveness.” It was such a necessary step for me. Up to that point, I had found myself holding onto so much hurt… Hurt I allowed, even though it was simply a product of people who honestly didn’t know any better.

If you are reading this, I’m sure you know what I mean… The hurt created by things people say or don’t do in response to our grief. I am referring to those things most people in our culture believe are comforting or motivating, but in reality, are just the opposite. But 2017 was the year I learned to accept and understand they really don’t know any better… It was the year to let it go. Admittedly, I wasn’t perfect at this… But I was definitely better… And that was the goal.

So what about this year? Well, I have decided I need a year of self-love and care. (I know – it sounds totally selfish, but it really isn’t.) Here’s what I mean…

First, I am referring to my physical self. Despite carrying health insurance, I haven’t been to a doctor since Bruce died. I had convinced myself that if the doctors didn’t catch Bruce’s heart issues (and he went annually), then why bother? As long as I was working out and eating healthy, other than an actual injury, what more would they do anyway? However, the real truth was I just didn’t care anymore. What did it matter if my health was good or bad? If something DID happen, I was okay with that… After all, that just meant I would be with Bruce… and I was definitely okay with that. (I know, that sounds horribly morbid, but it is the truth, and I have always promised to be truthful here… and the truth is I didn’t care.)

Secondly, I am also referring to my own attitude about myself. I have written before about my previous marriage and the emotional baggage left from that… about Bruce’s unconditional love and fabulous encouragement in whatever I chose to pursue. No matter what, Bruce only saw the good, and that meant everything to me. However, when he died, I felt I had been plunged back in time… My confidence was shaken, my self-esteem was at a new low and my self-worth was almost non-existent.

I know it sounds crazy, but without Bruce’s confidence in me, I was losing my confidence in myself. This isn’t good. Did you know the way we love ourselves is passed on to our children? Yes, my children are adults, but I am still an example. Plus, I now have a grandson in my home, who repeats my words back to me with eye-opening clarity.

Recently, I learned that women (on average) criticize themselves eight or more times a day. I know I am guilty of that, but it needs to change. I need to be kind to myself… If I wouldn’t say it to someone else, then why on earth would I say it to myself?

So, yes, this is my year of self-love and self-care. It is quite a change for me. Daily, I have been reminding myself of my theme and the why’s behind it. So far, I believe I am off to a good start. I have been drinking more water (and less wine), made a doctor’s appointment (ugh), and start each day with a prayer for help and a positive affirmation…

Nothing huge… Nothing grand… Just small actions to remind myself that I do have value and I am worthy. Sometimes it’s hard to remember, but just because we are now on our own, doesn’t mean we no longer matter. I do and you do… Besides, if we aren’t kind to ourselves, why should anyone else treat us any different? We are the ones to set that standard.

If any of this feels familiar, please take eleven minutes and listen to the link below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZkSNblaRA4&feature=youtu.be

Happy New Year to our virtual group. Please know my thoughts and prayers are for all of us as we begin another year without our loved ones by our side. Our support for each other always touches my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were.

If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Thank you.