Since you died,
Life often feels like a board game,
With no rules or directions.
I am just a playing piece…
A token
And I have no idea where to move,
Or what the goal is anymore.
Someone roles the dice
And I move through the days,
But it just isn’t fun anymore.
~ Linda, 2023
I missed last week… I apologize for not saying anything beforehand. However, as life happens, I didn’t know how last weekend would turn out. You see, I have been traveling a lot this year, and as we all know, life has a way of catching up with us. By Sunday, I was absolutely exhausted, and simply needed a little self-care…
Self-care… there’s a word, I believe more of us need to be told about (or reminded of) from the beginning of this journey. Self-care is defined as “anything you do to take of yourself so you can stay physically, mentally, and emotionally well.” * In fact, “research suggests self-care promotes positive health outcomes, such as fostering resilience, living longer, and becoming better equipped to manage stress.” *
Now, I don’t know about you, but I wasn’t raised to think about or do self-care. In fact, the subliminal message was that self-care was selfish and indulgent. Like many other women, my role, as a wife and mother, was to take care of everyone else’s needs first. With a large family, my days started before the sun came up and ended sometime around midnight (give or take an hour or so). Everyday there was laundry to do, carpools to run, meals to fix, a house to clean, pets to tend to, and a family to care for. Then, when I started working as a teacher, lesson plans, grades, and work time were all added in, as well.
I know… nothing that the rest of the world isn’t doing, also… And honestly, I wasn’t complaining because I didn’t know any different. It was what my mother had done and her mother before her… But good grief, how unhealthy!
It wasn’t until I met Bruce that I learned what self-care was – only he called it “balance”. Whatever you call it, it was heavenly! He believed in everyone pulling their own weight at home… Suddenly, it didn’t all fall on my shoulders. That meant we worked as a family, so that we could play and relax as a family. He also was a stickler for an early bedtime. Admittedly, this took me a while to adjust to, but once I did, I have never gone back to those crazy hours from before. Like me, he was also a health nut, so eating healthy foods and working out was simply a way of life…
And all of that was… (you guessed it) … self-care!
Self-care became woven into the rhythm of our life, and I was thriving… Then, Bruce died… And suddenly, I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care if I was dead or alive… Life just seemed empty and hollow. All of that self-care seemed to be one of the first things I lost on this journey.
I stopped sleeping… I barely ate… and in no time, I was gaunt, depressed, isolating, and (extremely) unhealthy. I remember a few people telling me to take care of myself. I think I smiled and nodded in response, but I was so far down the rabbit hole, I wasn’t even sure what they meant anymore.
One of the few things I continued to do, though, was run. I love to run… It clears my head, gets my blood pumping, and reminds me I am alive… So I ran… a lot. (I still do, actually.)
My biggest challenge, though, was (and still is) sleep. Here, I had a multifaceted problem…
1. I had to learn how to sleep alone. Bruce and I had spent our years together sleeping in each other’s arms. Now, suddenly, there were no arms… no warm body to cuddle up to.
2. For the 1st few years, I would wake up several times a week at the exact time Bruce had died. (I know that is probably a trauma response, and now it only happens occasionally.)
Thankfully, through the years, I have kept the consistent bedtime, and tried all kinds of other things to help me sleep. However, this particular area is still a work in progress for me.
Another huge challenge for me was food… eating to be more specific. I just wasn’t hungry… Nothing had any taste. (I’m pretty sure, this too was a shock response.) I remember my mother telling me to just eat a baked potato or a PBJ… Anything to get some food in my belly, I suppose. Yet for me, food was always a social event, and now, it was a solo event. I just didn’t think or even care about eating – that is until my daughter and grandson moved in. Just like that, having others in the house who needed to eat changed my own habits. Once again, eating became a family event, and healthy food found its way back into my world.
Of course, that wasn’t all of it. I had a lot of trauma and depression to work through. In fact, these are things I am still working on (and making steady progress, I might add). Besides counseling, I have also added meditation, gardening, writing, painting, yoga, and numerous other activities to my days throughout the years. Each of these has contributed to building up my mental and spiritual health, as well.
And… this year, I have pushed myself out the door… no more isolating or hiding in my house. I have found a church, a women’s group, and some local classes, as well as traveling… Which brings us full circle to the reason for my absence last week. I had just returned home and desperately needed a day to do absolutely nothing… Just a day of self-care.
So… if you (like me) are struggling with remembering (or knowing) how to take care of yourself in your grief, please… please… keep trying or give it a try. Don’t quit on yourself. You are worth it, I promise!
Start with baby steps… find one area where you can make a positive change… maybe it’s eating or sleeping… maybe it’s learning to laugh again… maybe it’s learning to get back out into the world and being social… Or maybe you have been keeping extra busy to avoid the emotions of grief… maybe some of us need to slow down… Give yourself permission to rest… or to simply feel what you feel.
Each of us is different, so I can’t say what you need, but you know… just as I knew. That’s why this is a journey…
So then, my prayer for all of us this week is that we might reflect on our lives, embrace who we are, and envision what we desire in our lives… Then, take the steps (as slowly as we need) to get there.
Note: If you have found things that have helped you with your self-care, let’s share them with each other this week. What a wonderful way to support each other on this path!
* everydayhealth.com
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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