Some days are better than others. Some weeks are better than others. Earlier this week was a bit on the rough side. Maybe I was just tired, or maybe it was some not-so-great news that I need to deal with, or maybe it just was what it was… I have no real gut feeling about why or what… All I can say is there were some rough days where my emotions were all over the place.
One moment I was so sad – inconsolably sad. The next, I was fine – steady, strong, balanced. Then, within the blink of an eye, I would be so angry… It was like all the first year’s emotions but in the space of a few days and cycling over and over.
This was a first for me… Usually, I know what the trigger is, and am able to fight ruminating over That. This… This was new… This was different, and I wasn’t sure how to cope. So, I have found myself doing a lot of meditating and self-care.
Given that I am working on me this weekend, I thought I would do something a little bit different. Several months after Bruce died, poetry became one of the most healing ways to express myself… It has provided a marvelous outlet for so many emotions. So, I thought I would share one poem from each year since Bruce died.
September 2013
I dance with you in my mind.
You hold me next to you.
I feel your heartbeat and the strength of your arms.
As the music plays,
We move gently and gracefully as one.
Then, it ends with a kiss,
As I wish for one more dance.
I laugh with you in my dreams.
I see your sweet smile,
And your kind and gentle eyes.
I hear you start to chuckle.
Your smile grows.
Then, you wink at me,
As I wish for more laughter
I make love with you in my heart.
I feel your strength and your gentleness.
Your compassion and love flow into me
With every touch and each sweet kiss.
We become one in that moment.
Then I lay in your arms
As you hold me close,
Gently kissing my lips, my eyes, and my fingertips
As I wish for one more loving moment with you
One more dance…
One more laugh…
One more chance to love you…
Then, I realize, these are always within me…
Because I have loved you,
As you have loved me.
January 2014
Like a sailboat without a rudder,
I float along.
The wind blows the sails,
But I cannot control where I go.
I am lost…
There is no hope,
No direction.
I cry out for help,
But there is no one to hear…
No one to care…
No one to help.
Just the wind and the endless sea.
Where am I going?
Where will I end up?
I cannot say.
I do not know.
I just sit,
And watch the wind carry me where it will,
As I cry and fill this ocean with my tears.
January 2015
My soul cries…
The agony is beyond words.
I feel your soul answer in response.
Why?
Why are we on opposite planes?
Why can’t I feel you,
Hold you,
Hear you,
See you…
This is a pain so intense.
So deep,
It cannot be healed.
It is my soul crying out for yours…
February 2016
My heart breaks every day,
When I awake
And remember that I am here…
And you are gone.
April 2017
I can’t believe you are no longer here…
… No longer looking at the same blue sky.
… No longer smelling the fresh air of morning.
… No longer feeling the sand under your feet.
… No longer looking at the same moon
Of smelling the salt air
Or hearing the whisper of the wind.
… No longer able to share any experiences.
… No longer a part of the world.
… No longer a part of my world.
Will this ever feel normal?
January 2018
They lie…
Time heals nothing.
It still hurts…
And I don’t know how to make it stop.
I’ve learned to smile at the world.
I’ve learned to push the hurt down and say,
“I’m fine”
But it still hurts…
I have learned to laugh again.
I have learned to find joy
in quiet moments
Spent with those I love.
But it still hurts.
I think it will probably always hurt…
Simply because you aren’t here.
August 2019
Push those feelings down.
It’s been too long.
Don’t talk about it!
Push them down!
Why can’t you let him go?
What’s wrong with you?
Is this normal?
Push those feelings down!
Push them down…
And when you come up for air…
Be sure you are smiling.
October 2020
All my life,
I knew you were missing.
Then like a miracle,
You were there.
And…
Just as suddenly,
You were gone…
My soul cries.
September 2021
This week
I have missed you,
And
I have remembered you.
I have cried for you,
And
I have danced with you.
I am tired of hurting,
But
I’m not tired of loving you!
March 2022
Why does it still hurt so badly?
I would give anything
For a word of encouragement
Or a long hug…
From you.
I am drowning.
I come up for air,
But it isn’t enough…
Then, I am back down,
Struggling for one more breath.
I sit here in the silence,
Praying for the sound of
Your truck in the driveway,
Your footstep on the porch,
Or your key in the lock.
But they never come…
Always… just this unending,
Damnable silence.
January 2023
I miss you,
And my heart is breaking…
Again.
I miss you,
And the tears are falling…
Again.
I miss you,
And I am all alone…
Again.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are.
Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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