Tag: growth

Peace, Love, and Grief – Mary Did You Know?

Warning: I am going to talk a bit about religion today. You may or may not agree with me, and that is okay. This is not a debate on which religion is right or wrong. Nor is it a sermon trying to “win” anyone over to what I believe. Spirituality is a personal journey for each of us, and I am simply sharing some of the thoughts I have had on my journey… nothing more.

I have spent most of the past 10+ years since Bruce died on my own personal, spiritual journey… Trying to figure out what I believe (and why) versus what others say I should believe (and the why behind those that I can’t quite wrap my brain around). It has taken a long time, but I am finally at a point where I know I am moving in the right direction. I feel growth. I feel change. And most importantly, I feel closer to God, (the universe or whatever name you choose), than at any other point.

One of the things I was always taught was the idea of “original sin”. This is the thought that we are all born “bad” … We are all “sinners”. Well, honestly, that never made any sense to me. I mean, if God is the creator of everything, and God cannot do anything “bad” or “wrong”, then how are people created with original sin. (Yes, I know all the arguments and religious dogma that supports this concept. I’m just saying, I don’t buy it.)

Instead, I take a complete turn here. I believe that if God creates everything, then just as our own children carry around a part of us (our DNA/genes), we must also hold a bit of the Divine within each of us. Like a drop of water from the ocean… That drop is not the ocean, but it holds part of the ocean within it. In other words, while none of us are God, we are all Divine… There is a spark of God within each of us, rather than God being something external and completely outside of ourselves.

Boy, that sure changes how I not only look at myself, but how I view those around me.

My newest goal (going into 2024) is to make a conscious effort to see that Divine spark within each person I encounter. Then, rather than judging that person, I can ponder the idea that we are all simply trying to figure this life out in the best way we know how in that moment. At any given time, we are all at different places on this path, and likely learning different things since those things are dependent on each individual journey. (Hopefully, that makes a little bit of sense.)

Keeping all that in mind, I found myself in the car yesterday traveling from one Christmas errand to the next and listening to Christmas music on the radio. (Confession: I may or may not have been singing at the top of my lungs, as well.) Suddenly, the song, Mary, Did You Know, came on the radio.

I know that song gets a lot of flak from people who say, “Of course, she knew. God/the angel/scripture told her.” I don’t really care what other people say… I love that song. You know why? Because it makes Mary a very human, teenage girl who found herself pregnant and unmarried. (Something I can absolutely relate to.) I don’t know about you, but when I was a teenager, I did not think like an adult. I doubt any of us did. It’s just not the way the human body matures. (And I doubt Mary did either.)

If it were me, I would have heard what the angel told me, but I would not have had the maturity needed to actually understand and think through what all that might mean, much less how to apply it to this infant who (to all my teenage understanding) was acting like every other human baby on the planet. He cried. He soiled his diapers. He got hungry. As he grew, he ran. He laughed. He fell down. He scraped his knees. He cried. He wanted hugs and kisses… Just like any other child.

So… in the song, when they say, “Did you know … When your kiss your little baby, you’ve kissed the face of God,” my heart melts… every time. Yet yesterday, I found myself taking that a step further… If I believe that we all have a spark of the Divine within each of us, then when I kiss each of my (now adult) littles or my grandson, I am also kissing the face of God. When I see my neighbor, whose name I may not even know, I am seeing the face of God. When the Amazon driver drops off my packages, am I also looking at the face of God? How about when I watch the news? When I see people on both sides of a political debate or a battle in a war-torn country, can I choose to see the face of God in everyone?

Is that what Jesus the Christ meant when he said, “Love one another as I have loved you” (John 15:12)? Was he calling us to see that Divine spark and simply love (at the very least) that part of each person? Was he showing us that this is our common ground? … This is the thing that can bring us all together. (I like to think so.)

After my divorce and before I met Bruce, I remember my mother saying that she was praying that I would find someone to love me… really love me… unconditionally, like Jesus loves. I remember she wrote me a letter that said, “I am praying that you will find that person in your world who will be Jesus with skin on.”

Bruce was that person for me. He loved me completely and unconditionally. He showed me that love… real love… is unconditional. (After all, once you put conditions on it, it isn’t love anymore.) He brought healing to my world by encouraging me to explore my own faith and spirituality… And when I kissed his face, I kissed the face of God.

So here I am, so many years later, finally realizing that I don’t believe in the God of my childhood. I don’t believe in a God that is vengeful or out to get me or any of those other ideas than try to create a Divine relationship out of fear.

I believe in a God who is in all things. I believe in a God who is all love. I believe in a God who calls on me to see the same Divine spark in others and to be (like God) that same love-filled soul (to the extent that I am able) in each moment.

In other words, I haven’t got it all figured out. I am simply on this journey. Some days are easier, and some days are harder. Yet each day is another opportunity to love… the way Bruce loved me… and the way God still loves me.

Thank you, Babe, for loving me so completely, and for encouraging me on this path!
________________________________________________________

Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Thank you

“Thank you for being the reason I smile!” ~ 365 Relationship Quotes About Happiness to Live By

During the short time Bruce and I were together, I can remember writing thank you notes to his parents for the gift of this wonderful man they had raised. Even from the beginning, I knew I wanted to thank them… They needed to know that because of their parenting, this wonderful man had blessed my life. On a constant basis throughout our marriage, Bruce and I also never missed an opportunity to thank each other for all the ways we felt blessed because of what the other person added to our life. In all honesty, I believe this simple act had the biggest impact on our more-than-successful marriage than anything else.

There is nothing quite like being appreciative and feeling appreciated to build a strong relationship… which has led me to write the following in my journal this week…

Hi Babe!

I know there are so many times, I start writing with “I miss you so much.” However, today I just wanted to say, “Thank you.”

From the moment you first said, “Hello” to our last kiss goodnight, I never doubted your love… Quite an accomplishment given the situation I came from before I knew you. Yet, because of you, I learned what love really is and how to trust again.

You had the simplest ways of showing me that love…

I will always remember the time when we were first married… I had poured you a beer and when I handed it to you, it slipped to the floor, leaving glass and beer everywhere. It was a huge mess, and my instant response was pure fear!

Based on the experiences in my first marriage, I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in… So scared of the consequences I thought would come. I sat in silence waiting for you to come bang on the door and yell at me for making such a mess. That was what I had learned before you… But that never happened. Instead, I could hear you, through the door, cleaning up the mess.

Then, quietly you came and knocked ever so gently on the door. I can’t remember the exact words you said, but hesitantly, I opened the door. Gently, you reached out, took me in your arms and just held me… And I sobbed.

Once I had calmed down, we went back into the freshly cleaned kitchen where you proceeded to pour yourself another beer. I will never forget the next thing you did… You looked me in the eye, held up the glass as if to take a drink, and simply let it go… In disbelief, I watched it crash to the floor creating another new mess. Then, you took me back in your arms and said, “Life is messy sometimes. That’s okay… We can handle that… Nothing will ever make me stop loving you.”

That was my first real memory of the unconditional love that came to envelop my world with you. In that moment, I began to understand and experience true unconditional love… A love that changed my whole world.

But my appreciation doesn’t end there. You also taught me to be a better me… Not through nagging or criticism or anything remotely close to that. You never made me feel like you wanted me to be anything different than what I was in that moment. No… It was your quiet confidence in me that encouraged me.

I learned to take chances… I learn it was okay to fail… and try again. Through it all, you just smiled and encouraged me to try again or to try the next thing. You never told me what to do or not do… You simple smiled, asked me what I wanted to do, and loved me no matter what.

At first, when you died, I was lost. I didn’t think I could do anything else without you there… I missed your encouragement and your confidence. I’m even ashamed to admit it, but in a lot of ways, I lost a lot of the ground I had gained in my own growth. However, once I finally got my feet back under myself, that started to change.

There have been a few rough starts, but rather than letting that appreciation and love fade into the background, I have once again learned to use it to become a stronger person… A better version of me…

I can’t begin to tell you how many times when I am scared to try something new – something way outside my comfort zone – I think about you… And I know… In my mind, I can see you smile with those gentle, loving eyes… In my heart, I can hear your voice telling me you believe in me… I just need to believe in myself. It is almost like you are still here by my side as I gather my courage and push forward.

Thank you for that, Babe! Thank you for building a legacy so strong and so filled with love that even death can’t stop it. Even now, you still amaze me… The way you chose to live your life and love the people around you, still influences me six years later. That is amazing… You are amazing…

I love you, Babe… Always and forever!

“But there’s another kind of love. One that gives you the courage to be better than you are, one that makes you feel that anything is possible.” ~ Michael Bliss, Nights in Rodanthe

What about you? Does the love you shared still influence how you live your life now? If you could thank your loved one for how they changed and added to your life, what would you say? Do you struggle with how to hold onto that? If so, you’re not alone… We all know this journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… There is No Fixing It

Tomorrow is a day of love for everyone… but me.
My love is gone…
~ Linda, February 2016

Well, it is that time of year again… That time when everything around us screams “love” and “romance”… The words and images are everywhere… but my love is gone, and my heart is broken. How do I fix this?

For the past few Valentine’s, I managed to avoid as much of the Valentine’s celebration as I could. I avoided the card aisle in the stores, the floral departments and shops, and (because I don’t watch much TV) the commercials. I suppose it is a dance of sorts, but it has worked for the most part.

This year, however, there is no avoiding it. With my grandson here, he has been planning for weeks what to do for his Mom, his classmates and his teachers. So, this year, there has been no avoiding anything Valentine’s… In fact, for weeks we have been shopping the very aisles I would normally try to avoid.

In some ways, it’s okay – I don’t mind… It makes me smile to see his excitement as he picks out gifts and cards. I have even laughed a few times while trying to reign him in when he wants to buy everything labeled “love” because he wants his Mom to “have the best Valentine’s Day ever.” At the same time, I look at the romantic images, and tears fill my eyes. How do I fix this?

It is still so hard… It has been four long years, but I am constantly finding my love for Bruce has not diminished at all…

My pain is here and
Always will be…
There is no end to our love
And there is no end to the pain.
~ Linda, January 2015

This week, my Face Book “On This Day” feature has included posts from our last trip to Key West together. It was Bruce’s last Valentine’s gift to me. (Although, we didn’t know it at the time.) It was such a wonderful weekend, and those pictures and posts hold precious memories. But every day when I look at them, my heart sinks with reality, and the tears fill my eyes… I miss him… I miss us… How do I fix this?

My heart struggles to reconcile itself with
What my mind knows is real.
~ Linda, October 2013

A few times I have tried to talk about it… I have tried to reach out, but I struggle. In the beginning and even now, when I try to share what I am feeling, I find most people want to “fix” it. They mean well, and as a Mom, I get it… I want to fix things when the people around me hurt, too.

But some things can’t be fixed… This cannot be fixed… But God, how I wish it could!

I’m trying to be brave…
But I don’t feel brave.
I don’t want to face tomorrow.
I don’t want to wake up alone.
I don’t want another day without you.
I am so thankful for the memories…
I just wish they weren’t memories…
I wish they were now.
~ Linda, February 2015

What I really need on days like this is someone who is willing to simply be with me… Someone who won’t lecture or deny… Someone who won’t shame or avoid… Someone who doesn’t need to say anything… Someone who is willing to simply stay beside me and share the load when it gets heavier than I can handle alone, even if it is only for a little while.

I know… That is a lot to ask. It really is. I understand in today’s fast-paced world, most of us want to give answers and move on… But grief doesn’t have an answer… There is no fixing it… It is a journey of tears, courage and growth… It is a process – faster for some; slower for others. And… While some parts are best handled alone, there are other parts which require help.

At what point do I get used to this?
At what point does this feel normal?
Will life always feel like it is only half lived?
~ Linda, July 2015

I know I will figure this out… I know I will be okay… I know I need to spend some time in quiet meditation, and some time reaching out to those who love me. I know there is no fixing it, but there is a balance… a balance that can provide some peace for a broken heart.

There is a peace that comes with acceptance;
And a love that is always remembered.
~ Linda, September 2013

For many of us, the week ahead is a hard week. Learning how to survive this time of year alone is hard… It can bring up memories, tears and conflicting emotions. If any of this sounds familiar, there are many of us here with you… you are not alone. If you have found a positive way through this, would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… More than words

My theme for 2016 has been “Growing in love, spirit and purpose,” and this week has been a reminder of that… A week of deciding if I mean what I say or if those are just words.

All week I have had several things going on… (Who hasn’t?) The biggest one was watching my grandson struggle with a challenge while I felt helpless as one of the adults in his life to help. So many things in his life have changed this year and all of it is completely out of his control… It is all happening to him and he has had no choice in any of it. As a consequence, he has gone through all the same emotions I have experienced as he grieves for what was. (Sound familiar?)

This week, he was facing a two hour plane ride to spend the holiday week away from his Mom… All of this for the first time. As the trip approached, the tears and anger increased. We spent many evenings with him in my lap as I rocked him and simply listened. As the week continued and the emotions increased, we realized that getting him onto that plane was going to be a challenge… So his mother and I made a small (albeit significant change)… We changed our focus with the hope that he might follow our lead.

Every time the tears or anger started, we still held him tight. We still listened. However, at other times, when emotions were calmer, we would talk about the good things… We changed our focus to the positives – the people he would see and the fun things he would do during his week away or the excitement of a plane trip without a grownup to monitor the Cola intake.

Before heading out to the airport, we held hands and prayed over this brave little Bubba… And by the time, he needed to walk onto that plane alone, while he was still scared, he wasn’t crying. We gave each other big hugs and watched as he bravely walked down the gangway… alone.

I wish we had recorded the call that came just a few short hours later… He had done it! He was so excited and so proud of himself. At that point, it dawned on me that we had done for him, exactly what I talk about here all the time…

We didn’t stop my grandson from being sad or scared… Those are valid emotions that need to be recognized and acknowledged. However, when we let that be the focus, he seemed to spiral further and further down. (The exact same thing that happens to me when I let myself get too focused on my grief.) Instead, we offered him another choice… the choice to also look at the positive things… and it worked.

“They” say that God gives us lessons to learn in life, and if we fail to learn them the first time, they will continue to pop up in our life. For me, this idea of controlling my focus… of choosing my attitude has been a perpetual lesson over the last few years. Finding the balance between acknowledging my emotions without letting them take over my whole attitude has been a constant challenge. I’m not sure, but maybe watching someone else struggle with the same thing and being able to help him, was another way of learning the same lesson again.

But that wasn’t the end…

My other challenge this week was the actions of others versus my own expectations of them. Several times this week, I reached out to the people around me thinking I could count on them only to find I was wrong. Each time I reached out and made myself vulnerable to someone else the other person tossed it back in my face… Each time I was hurt… Each time I cried… not sure why they responded the way they had.

That was my second lesson this week… The one that makes me come to terms with why I do the things I do. My first response this week was “never again.” However, it didn’t take long for me to realize that when I do whatever I do, it needs to be because I believe it is right… not because of any preconceived response. Whether I get the response I want or not, I need to do what I believe is right… Perhaps that is my other lesson.

I’m not sure why these have been my lessons or why. What I do know is that I need to do what I believe is right… This is my mantra – to “Grow in spirit, love and purpose”… To serve others in whatever way I can…

To use the divine energy within myself to become a divine reality for someone else by simply being the love and acceptance I am seeking from the world around me…

To make my mantra more than mere words… to live what I say I believe… to make it my way of life.

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with reaching out to others in their pain? How did you manage that? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Be the change

“Be the living expression of God’s kindness;
kindness in your face,
kindness in your eyes,
kindness in your smile.”
~ St. (Mother) Teresa of Calcutta

I remember when this whole journey began. (3 years, 7 months, 23 days ago… but who’s counting?) At first, I was so raw… so numb… so lost. For the first few weeks, I felt like I was in a dream. This couldn’t be real… Surely, I was going to wake up at some point and everything would be as it was. (Except, I would be even MORE appreciative of the gift that was my husband.)

But, that didn’t happen… Life just kept moving forward… without my Bruce.

As the months passed, more and more people fell off the radar for one reason or another. Most things I read told me this was normal… to expect it… And even gave some explanations for why. Some couples would back away, because now I was not “a couple.” (Although, most widows will tell you, we still feel like “a couple.” According to what I read, other people would back away for any number of reasons, such as:

1. They felt I was doing so well, I didn’t need their support any longer.
2. They didn’t know how to offer more support.
3. They were tired or uncomfortable with the whole business.
4. Who knows!

To be fair, most people probably grow tired of the whole affair simply because they don’t understand it, (not because they are cruel). I may have felt stuck but their lives had continued to move on at full speed. At the time, however, I could not understand this. So as more months passed, and I watched more and more people walk out of my life… I began to feel hurt and angry. I had already lost my husband. Was everyone else going to abandon me too?

But there is a huge problem with that line of thinking… The more I focused on the hurt and negative feelings, the more negative things I found to upset me.

It didn’t take long for me to spiral down and become the very thing I never wanted to be – an angry, cynical woman. Life began to look bleak… It no longer held any hope. This attitude only increased my focus on the negative. Before I realized what was happening, my connections with other people almost stopped completely. I found myself only opening up to a very small handful of friends and family (who chose to love me despite my negative outlook).

About this time I found myself at my lowest I had ever been… I had given up on people and life… I had stopped caring… Life had taken on the form of waking up, going through the motions and sleeping. Then, waking up only to do all over again the next day.

At this point, I pulled out one of Bruce’s favorite CDs – Wayne Dyer’s, The Secrets of the Power of Intention. I did not know it at the time, but this would become my first step out of this downward spiral that had taken over my life. There was a lot of great information in this series, but the piece of information I needed to hear most was…

“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

WOW! What a simple statement, and yet, how true! I had become completely focused on all I had lost (and was still losing)… on all the hurt and feelings of abandonment. Because of that, I had stopped noticing the good things all around me… the little blessings available in each moment. So this is where things started to change… And as I “changed the way I looked at things,” the way I viewed those things (as well as my life) began to change as well.

The next step was probably inevitable… I began to realize that if more people knew this, maybe our world would not be filled with so many hurt, offended, negative souls. But how could I use this knowledge and make a difference? I knew I can only change myself… How, then, could I make another change within myself, that might make a bigger difference in the world around me?

Then, I read a few writings from Ghandi, there was one which seemed to call out to me as the answer – “Be the change you want to see.”

WOW! (Again!) How is it the simplest statements have the most profound advice? And so it began, another change, another step. Now instead of wishing someone else would think more kindly, behave kinder, or speak with more kindness, I learned to observe, say nothing (the hardest part for me), and alter my own actions to reflect what I wanted to see instead.

These two changes in my thought patterns and behavior began to build on each other. The more I altered how I looked at things, the easier it became to actually be the change I wanted to see. And the more I worked on “being the change,” the easier it became to see others in a more positive light.

Through the past 3 years, 7 months and 23 days, I have found myself working my way out of that downward spiral. Believe me when I say it is still a process for me. However, while I have my moments when I forget to protect my attitude, I am continually doing better and better… When I find myself spiralling down, I am able to catch it sooner and turn it around. I know that when I remember to “be the change I want to see,” my whole viewpoint on life and people becames more positive as well…

When I remember that the divine energy within me can become a divine reality for someone else by simply being the love and acceptance I am seeking from the world around me, then I know my life has purpose again because I am able to make a difference.

Polish your heart
so that it reflects
God’s love
to the world around you
~ Linda, February 2016

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with frustration with the world around you? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Dealing with the criticism (part 1)

I am me.
I am the only me that will ever be.
God made me to be unique.
This is my life –
a gift just for me from God.
No one else can live it.
No one else really knows how I should live it.
God will show me.
God will be patient and guide my steps.
I am me.
I want to live the unique life God intended for me…
A unique gift…
for me…
from God.
~ Linda, Sept. 2013

One of the first things I experienced on this grief journey that threw me for a loop was the number of people who felt the need to tell me how to live… and (in my perception) criticized me when I didn’t do things their way.

Let me back up though… This experience really does have two sides, and we have all experienced both sides. When we are on the “giving” side we call it “giving sound advice,” or “providing feedback.” We mean well, and we believe we are “being helpful.” However, when we are on the “receiving” end and did not ask for the “helpful advice or feedback,” we call it critism or judgement… and many times, it does not feel good.

In fact, at the beginning of this journey, this unsolicited advice and opinions actually made me feel worse. I found that for every piece of advice telling me to do “this,” there was someone else telling me to do “that.” Sometimes I didn’t know what I wanted and other times I knew exactly what I wanted… and the funny part is, usually it wasn’t “this” or “that.”

With that in mind, you can understand that what I perceived fairly quickly was – I couldn’t win no matter what I did, so I might as well do it my way. This was fine, but it didn’t stop the hurt. In my heart, I knew I needed to do something more.

When it comes to the details of what was said to me, I have no intention of making a list here. That is not important in this discussion. What is important is how I have learned to deal with the criticism… and that journey has been a long one.

The First Year

I’ve always hated conflict. So did Bruce… Because of that, we rarely argued. (I’m not saying this was good or bad; it is just the way it was.) As a consequesnce, I didn’t know how to navigate this new conflict in my life. I wasn’t really sure what to do with it or how to handle it.

One of the first things I had to learn to do was to distingush why some opinions mattered more to me than others. I found that it really boiled down to the relationship… did it come from someone I love, a casual friendship or merely an acquaintance?

While I’ve really never been one to bow to peer pressure, up until this time, I had always erred on the side of being a “pleaser” with those closest to me. They mattered to me… Their opinions mattered to me. Therefore, their opinions and words had a lot more impact, either positive or negative.

One of the first things I had to learn to do was to start believing in myself.

According to research, most “pleasers” tend to have a lower self-esteem. I’m not using that as an excuse. In fact, at first I didn’t really believe it. However, once I actually started “peeling the onion,” I realized I had some work to do within myself.

While I knew that my first marriage had left me doubting my self-worth and value, my marriage to Bruce had been just the opposite. He had done so much to build me up. I had become so much stronger during our time together. What I had failed to realize, though, was my self-esteem and value were now just as tightly wrapped up in what Bruce thought of me. Suddenly, without him there to keep reaffirming that, I felt lost… Because my strength and value were not coming from my core, there I was doubting myself and my own value once again.

My first step that first year was to start re-shaping and believing in my own opinion of myself. I am not talking about conceit or ego. I am referring to an understanding of the fact that God created me and loves me just as I am in this moment… If He can do that, I need to be willing to do the same. To help me accomplish this, I started an affirmation board.

I called these my “Intentions,” because it was my intention to start believing in myself without anyone else’s validation. Everytime I had a positive thought or ran across an affirming quote I would add it to the poster… I still do. In fact, it hangs in my bathroom where I can see it in the mirror as I get dressed each morning… On days when I am feeling down about myself, I read through it and remind myself that with or without Bruce, no matter what anyone else says or thinks… I have value, and I am a beloved child of God.

intentions

The next thing I had to learn that year was to distinguish where those opinions and advice were coming from… Were these words being spoken out of love and kindness? Or was it something else? While I can never know someone else’s intent, I do know if what they are saying feels respectful or not. When there is respect, I do not feel threatened or belittled. I don’t feel “shut-down” or a need to defend myself. Instead, I feel safe to discuss the topic.

So, respect became my distinguishing factor.

Was the other person respectful of my situation? My grief? Me? If the answers to these questions are “yes,” then I know I need to consider what is being said. Ultimately though, whether I agree or not is up to me… and the other person, if they are truly respectful, will be okay with that, too.

The last thing I came to understand that first year was the idea that this is my life… no one else’s.

Everyone around me may have an opinion on what they believe I should or should not do, but when all is said and done, I am the only one that will know in my gut and in my soul what is right for me… and that is the path I must take.

How do I know what that path is? This may seem over-simplified, but I ask myself two basic questions… 1. Am I at peace with this? And 2. Does this bring me joy?

When I can answer yes to these two questions, odds are I am on the right path for me.

That first year I learned to have faith and confidence in myself, to distinguish between loving words and unkind criticism and that peace and joy are indicators that I am on the right path for me. That was huge for me! I never would have thought that learning to love and accept myself would be such a huge part of my grief journey, but it has been.

In fact, I have come to understand that in every trial there is a lesson to be learned if I am open to it, because growth doesn’t happen when things are easy…

Growth happens when things get tough, and we have to stretch in order to keep moving forward.

Today, I have shared my first steps for dealing with criticism. Each year, I have gained more insight into dealing with the criticism I felt so intensely on my grief journey. Next week (God willing), I will share a little bit more in Part 2.

What about you? Did you struggle with criticism or judgement after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences, go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog. For daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… That’s just not true, (so don’t listen)

(Re) Construction Zone Warning:
This area may look like an emotional mess as I work towards recovering from my grief.
Some days the mess you see will look worse than it really is.
Other days it will look better than it really is.
But most days it will look exactly as it really is… emotional chaos…
Until I have worked through my grief,
Please… just send love and understanding.

~ Linda, October 7, 2013

Grief is a crazy thing… and people’s reactions to it are just as crazy. If you are grieving, I will bet some of this will ring true…

So many times over the past 2.5 years I have been confronted with other people’s opinions (aka judgments) about how I grieve. So many times I became frustrated knowing that no matter how I grieve – whatever I did – there would be someone to pick it apart. Learning how to deal with those (and any) judgments is what I want to talk about today, because if we can learn not to listen, we can heal so much better.

Throughout my journey, I have encountered some statements that, honestly, are hard to believe. If it weren’t for the fact that they were actually said in earnest, they would almost be laughable… like a line out of a comedy sitcom. To give you an idea, here are a few paraphrased examples:

* You need to keep in mind that you aren’t the only person to have ever lost a spouse.

* You don’t have it so bad – you can always replace a husband.

* I can’t imagine what it must be like to not have anyone need you. (Usually followed by)… What in the world do you do with yourself?

* You’re not dating yet? Well, I guess, you don’t look too bad yet. I suppose, you can risk waiting a little bit longer.

* I have received countless letters, messages, emails and lectures listing all the things that (according to someone else) are “wrong” with me.

* I have even had a few people contact me to say they wanted to become my friend so they could “fix me.”

I am learning to laugh when I hear these things… How else is a person supposed to respond? If we really think about it, does anyone believe these people thought about what they were saying before they said it? I doubt it… Although, I am pretty sure they thought they were “helping.”

It is also important to understand that none of these things were ever said in contempt. (In my heart, I know that.) I choose to believe that each person was trying to help in their own way… They just happen to be completely oblivious to the damage left in their wake.

Here is where the problem begins… Adding any of this “stuff” to someone’s plate when that person is already grieving and heartbroken is generally a bad idea. At least for me, it was.

I’m not angry anymore… but I was. I have struggled over the years not to internalize these things and make them a part of me. To cope, I would put some distance or completely break off most of these relationships.

Let’s be real for a little while, because this doesn’t just affect me… or mourners. For whatever reason, we have become a society that loves to look at each other and make a judgment… a judgment that makes us feel better about ourselves. But how fair is that? What is the point? Does it really help make the world a better place?

We are all aware that we have all done this at some point in time, and we do it for different reasons… There may be some people who think they are doing God some kind of favor by judging others for Him or perhaps they believe they will “win souls over to God.” However, most of us grew up in a culture that told us: we-are-better-because-we-don’t-do-whatever-you/they-are-doing…

However, no one is without their own struggles, and none of these thought processes are productive or loving… none of them creates peace. Instead, divisiveness becomes the result.

The God that I worship created me as I am. He is well aware of who I am… all of me – the good and the bad. I sincerely believe he adores me, as well as every other person he has created. He loves us and celebrates over us, regardless of our circumstances or choices.

So what do we do when someone chooses to toss their judgment our way? Or when we are tempted to throw our own judgment in someone else’s direction?

Well,that my friends, depends on each of us. Look deep inside… What are you afraid of? How do you respond to stress?

Like anyone else, I have not perfected this… I am learning. So, when I find myself ready to judge someone else, I have to stop, take a breath and remember that we all respond to life based on our own experiences. Like fingerprints, no two people will ever share those experiences precisely… not even siblings.

I also know that I can never change anyone else. The only person I can change is me… so that is where I begin. I strive to change my attitude toward that person by reminding myself that we are all divine creations… I need to look at them in compassion and let go.

On the other side, when judgment is tossed my way, I need to recognize my natural tendency to hide or run away. I know my natural reaction is to act like everything is fine in the moment, and then avoid that person at all costs afterward. But how healthy is that?

It’s not, in case you were wondering… I believe that is one of the lessons I am meant to learn on this journey.

I have learned a few quotes that are helpful when it comes to this whole judgment thing. The first comes from Wayne Dyer, a spiritual/motivational speaker, and was one of Bruce’s favorites, “When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.”

There is another one from the Tao Te Ching which states, “Those who know do not speak. And those who speak do not know.”

What wonderfully simple ways to look at judgment… no matter which end you are on.

When I can keep these simple statements in mind… when I can remember that just because someone says something does not make it true, then I am able to overlook, forgive and have compassion for the other person. Then, I can move past those statements without making them a part of who I am… without any damage being inflicted.

And that, my friends, is when I grow…

Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.