(Re) Construction Zone Warning:
This area may look like an emotional mess as I work towards recovering from my grief.
Some days the mess you see will look worse than it really is.
Other days it will look better than it really is.
But most days it will look exactly as it really is… emotional chaos…
Until I have worked through my grief,
Please… just send love and understanding.
~ Linda, October 7, 2013
Grief is a crazy thing… and people’s reactions to it are just as crazy. If you are grieving, I will bet some of this will ring true…
So many times over the past 2.5 years I have been confronted with other people’s opinions (aka judgments) about how I grieve. So many times I became frustrated knowing that no matter how I grieve – whatever I did – there would be someone to pick it apart. Learning how to deal with those (and any) judgments is what I want to talk about today, because if we can learn not to listen, we can heal so much better.
Throughout my journey, I have encountered some statements that, honestly, are hard to believe. If it weren’t for the fact that they were actually said in earnest, they would almost be laughable… like a line out of a comedy sitcom. To give you an idea, here are a few paraphrased examples:
* You need to keep in mind that you aren’t the only person to have ever lost a spouse.
* You don’t have it so bad – you can always replace a husband.
* I can’t imagine what it must be like to not have anyone need you. (Usually followed by)… What in the world do you do with yourself?
* You’re not dating yet? Well, I guess, you don’t look too bad yet. I suppose, you can risk waiting a little bit longer.
* I have received countless letters, messages, emails and lectures listing all the things that (according to someone else) are “wrong” with me.
* I have even had a few people contact me to say they wanted to become my friend so they could “fix me.”
I am learning to laugh when I hear these things… How else is a person supposed to respond? If we really think about it, does anyone believe these people thought about what they were saying before they said it? I doubt it… Although, I am pretty sure they thought they were “helping.”
It is also important to understand that none of these things were ever said in contempt. (In my heart, I know that.) I choose to believe that each person was trying to help in their own way… They just happen to be completely oblivious to the damage left in their wake.
Here is where the problem begins… Adding any of this “stuff” to someone’s plate when that person is already grieving and heartbroken is generally a bad idea. At least for me, it was.
I’m not angry anymore… but I was. I have struggled over the years not to internalize these things and make them a part of me. To cope, I would put some distance or completely break off most of these relationships.
Let’s be real for a little while, because this doesn’t just affect me… or mourners. For whatever reason, we have become a society that loves to look at each other and make a judgment… a judgment that makes us feel better about ourselves. But how fair is that? What is the point? Does it really help make the world a better place?
We are all aware that we have all done this at some point in time, and we do it for different reasons… There may be some people who think they are doing God some kind of favor by judging others for Him or perhaps they believe they will “win souls over to God.” However, most of us grew up in a culture that told us: we-are-better-because-we-don’t-do-whatever-you/they-are-doing…
However, no one is without their own struggles, and none of these thought processes are productive or loving… none of them creates peace. Instead, divisiveness becomes the result.
The God that I worship created me as I am. He is well aware of who I am… all of me – the good and the bad. I sincerely believe he adores me, as well as every other person he has created. He loves us and celebrates over us, regardless of our circumstances or choices.
So what do we do when someone chooses to toss their judgment our way? Or when we are tempted to throw our own judgment in someone else’s direction?
Well,that my friends, depends on each of us. Look deep inside… What are you afraid of? How do you respond to stress?
Like anyone else, I have not perfected this… I am learning. So, when I find myself ready to judge someone else, I have to stop, take a breath and remember that we all respond to life based on our own experiences. Like fingerprints, no two people will ever share those experiences precisely… not even siblings.
I also know that I can never change anyone else. The only person I can change is me… so that is where I begin. I strive to change my attitude toward that person by reminding myself that we are all divine creations… I need to look at them in compassion and let go.
On the other side, when judgment is tossed my way, I need to recognize my natural tendency to hide or run away. I know my natural reaction is to act like everything is fine in the moment, and then avoid that person at all costs afterward. But how healthy is that?
It’s not, in case you were wondering… I believe that is one of the lessons I am meant to learn on this journey.
I have learned a few quotes that are helpful when it comes to this whole judgment thing. The first comes from Wayne Dyer, a spiritual/motivational speaker, and was one of Bruce’s favorites, “When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.”
There is another one from the Tao Te Ching which states, “Those who know do not speak. And those who speak do not know.”
What wonderfully simple ways to look at judgment… no matter which end you are on.
When I can keep these simple statements in mind… when I can remember that just because someone says something does not make it true, then I am able to overlook, forgive and have compassion for the other person. Then, I can move past those statements without making them a part of who I am… without any damage being inflicted.
And that, my friends, is when I grow…
Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*
Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.
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