Tag: compassion

Peace, Love, and Grief – Learning to Accept What Is

Note: My apologies for not posting last week. I was spending some very needed time with family. <3

This past week marked what would have been our 18th wedding anniversary. It’s hard to believe that wonderful day when we joined our lives was that long ago. It feels like only yesterday. I know it’s been more than 10 years since Bruce’s death, and yet… our time together still seems so closely connected to my life… even now.

This is the time of year that always holds its challenges for me. There is one memorable event after another – our anniversary, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, the anniversary of our meeting, New Years, and the anniversary of his death. Whew! It is a lot of emotions in a short span of time!

This year, there has even been a little more craziness to add to the pile. The company where I have worked for 17 years made the necessary decision to lay off 2400 people at the end of September. While my kids who also work there were safe, my job (and most of my department) was considered expendable at this time. So… here I am looking for a job, while balancing all these other events in the background. (Sigh…)

In the past, I know I would have been an emotional basket case. In fact, this blog likely would have been filled with all kinds of sadness and self-pity… Not this year, though… At least, not this week.

As I have said before, I have spent this year working on me… learning to simply “be”… learning to focus on “what is” versus “what was”. I have found a church which has encouraged my own spiritual growth, made friends who have similar goals and focus, and learned to let go (with love) of those things that I cannot control or do not serve me in a positive way. Therefore, when this quote popped up in my readings last week, it truly spoke to my heart.

“We may not always get what we want, but through gratitude and giving, we have the opportunity to want what we already have and to realize just how much we have to give.”
~ Teresa Burton, The Daily Word Nov – Dec 2023 edition, Dear Reader

I know this is the month of gratitude, so I wasn’t surprised to read this. What did surprise me was my response to it. In the past, I would have thought, “Yeah, sure, but… how can I be thankful during this time when I am constantly reminded of all that I have lost?” Instead, my heart has embraced this idea.

Why? I think a lot of it has to do with the wording. Rather than telling the reader what to feel or not feel, this quote starts with empathy for what is not – “We may not always get what we want…” The word “may” instead of a harsher “don’t” makes the difference for me. If the phrase were “we don’t always get what we want”, I would have stopped reading, because that sounds like the beginnings of a lecture. It would have lacked the empathy that I still need to hear.

Then, this quote gives some ideas for direction – “… through gratitude and giving, …” In other words, it isn’t just about gratitude for what I do have, it also involves looking outside of myself to see where I might help someone else with their struggles. That is definitely something I have taken to heart this year… By looking outside of myself, my focus changes. Instead, I find myself looking at others. I’m not trying to “rescue” anyone, but I can offer kindness and understanding, or maybe there is a physical need where I can help. Next thing I know, my own struggles don’t seem so all-encompassing.

Finally, the quote ends with hope – “… we have the opportunity to want what we already have and to realize just how much we have to give.” Hope for opportunities to come and realization of what we have… This is something that is hard to hold onto when we are grieving. Trust me… I know. For years, I have struggled to find any kind of hope in a life without Bruce. However, when I focus on the opportunities and possibilities ahead, life looks completely different.

So… This year, as I move through each of these days and weeks ahead with such deep emotional reminders (and possible triggers), I pray that I really can remember Bruce and all that we had, while also remembering to express my gratitude for all that is – my friends, my family, my health, the job that is waiting for me, and my faith that tells me there are so many more wonderful possibilities out there simply waiting for me to discover them.

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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief… The Guardians

“People who extend compassion to us act as guardians of our soul… Though our journeys may leave us broken and burdened, we remain thoroughly beloved.” ~ Frank Rogers Jr., Compassion in Practice

Last week, I wrote about the heroes in my life… Those people who have held me up and supported me along this journey – some without ever knowing it and often in the most simple ways. Then, this week in my meditations, I came across the quote above.

YES! That is exactly what I was trying to say… These heroes have been the guardians of my soul throughout this whole process. I can’t even begin to tell you how much their presence – their compassion – has saved me… has pulled me away from the edge and reminded me that life is still a good thing… a thing worthwhile… My life is still worthwhile… even without Bruce. Their compassion has been my lifeboat in this storm, and I am forever grateful.

And here’s the other part of that story…

We can only give from what we have, right? I can’t give away a million dollars because I don’t have a million dollars. The same goes for love… and compassion… If I don’t have those, I can’t give them to others… And to have those, someone must have given them to me, as well.

These are the things that make the world a better place. They are free and simple to offer to others, IF we have also been offered them. They can take the form of a simple smile or hello when we pass a stranger. They can take the form of simply listening… not just to the words spoken, but also to the words unspoken. It can also mean understanding that when someone does not have love or compassion to offer, it is because that person is also missing it from their own soul.

When Bruce died, my world changed… a lot… That daily dose of love and compassion diminished greatly. My family was hundreds of miles away, and because we had not lived here for very long, our circle of friends was small and still in the just-getting-to-know-you stages.

At this point, every drop of compassion, no matter where it came from, was precious to me… like the beacon from a lighthouse when the storm is raging around you. This is what I truly want the heroes out there to know… Your love… your compassion, no matter how small or seemingly inconsequential, had an impact. It left an impression on my soul. Like a beautiful piece of art, that love and compassion became something so wonderful I had to share it… I had to pass it on.

I think sometimes we forget how much the love and compassion of others affects us… affects the world, actually, as we share it with others on our path. And here’s the thing, there will be times when we don’t have it to give – like many of us when we are lost in grief. However, sometimes all it takes is that one smile… that one hug… that one moment of compassion offered that can change everything. I wish I had the words to express how much compassion – simple unwarranted compassion – offered in those moments affected me and changed the whole trajectory of my journey.

Thank you!

There will also be times when we offer compassion, but the other person is too lost or too empty to receive it. Their response may be one of not noticing… contempt… or even anger. That is all okay… It isn’t on any of us to ‘fix’ anyone else or to make them feel a certain way. None of us has the power to do any of that. It is simply on us to offer compassion to each other. Maybe it comes in the form of ignoring rude or ugly words… Maybe it is in the form of walking away from a contentious situation… Either of those is actually offering even more compassion for their situation. Who knows… maybe in time, their tank will refill. Either way, the results are not on us… Offering compassion is the only thing that is on us.

And one more thought…

When our soul is stripped bare, not only are we unable to offer love or compassion to others… we can’t even offer it to ourselves. It becomes so easy to fall down the rabbit hole of self-loathing or feelings of not being enough… Depression can so easily sneak in and sit beside us and pull us down even further.

But… when our tanks of love and compassion refill, we are not only able to offer these to others, we are also able to offer them to ourselves. Self-care and self-compassion can take root in our lives and even spill over into others’.

I love that! I love the fact that because so many others had extra to give, now I do too! I am learning to offer love and compassion to myself, as well as those I encounter day to day.

So… to all those heroes who knowingly (or unknowingly) became the guardians of my soul… Thank you!! Thank you for caring about me and for being the emissaries of love and compassion to my heart… You really are my heroes, and you have been the guardians of my soul… You have shown me that I am worthy of love and compassion when I forgot it myself… You have helped me learn to not only live life again, but to offer the same to others… And I love you dearly!

“Receiving their love replenishes the reservoirs out of which our own compassion flows toward others.” ~ Frank Rogers Jr., Compassion in Practice

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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief… What’s Faith Got to Do with It?

I have written about it before, so most of you are aware that just a few weeks before Bruce died, I came to the realization that my faith wasn’t really mine… or at the very least, had ceased to grow in a way that was helpful. I had reached a point where the dogma had become more hurtful than hopeful.

Then, when Bruce died, it all fell apart…

The little bit of faith I thought I had left quickly drained away. The loss… the feelings of abandonment… the loneliness… the complete devastation… it was too much… How could a God who knew all… who knew me… who knew how much Bruce and I loved each other… who knew how much healing Bruce had brought to me and my kids… How could a God that knew all of this, let Bruce die… How??

I couldn’t wrap my brain around it – at least not for years.

I remember all the expressions of sympathy from my friends and family. Their love and caring meant the world to me… Each and every note truly helped to hold me up. The only things I truly struggled with were the things people said that fell flat, such as “He’s in a better place” or “God needed another angel”. NO! Those words were not comforting… Those words did not offer empathy or compassion. Instead, those words simply fueled my anger and pointed it to a God who came across as selfish and uncaring if those phrases were accurate. That was not a God who I wanted anything to do with.

At the same time, when there were verses attached to the note on a card, written in a song, or sent in a GIF, I paid attention… I was desperate for something – anything – to ease the pain I felt.

I can remember some that I found helpful were:

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” ~ Psalm 147:3

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.’” ~ Jeremiah 29:1

I also remember when people tried to tell me that grieving showed a lack of faith, or that I needed to “get over it and move forward”, or any number of things that called for me to deny my grief and behave in a way that made others more comfortable. Then, I remembered and found these:

“Jesus wept.” ~ John 11:35 (It is noted several times that Jesus wept, but this particular time was in response to the death of a dear friend.)

“Then Jesus said to them, ‘My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.’” ~Matthew 26:38

How about that? … Jesus wept… Jesus grieved… Not only was it okay for me to feel this way, this God I had been raised to trust knew how I felt… This God was by my side and grieving with me.

“I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you… You are precious in my sight, and honored, and I love you.” ~ Isaiah 43: 1-2, 4

Before long, my faith journey started. A real journey… a journey to let go of everything I had been taught and the man-made dogma that went with it. (Honestly, this is still my journey, and I hope it never ends, because now I love what I am learning.)

Anyway, it wasn’t too long before Psalm 46:10 (“Be still and know that I am God.”) became my mantra and my morning meditation. It became a way to sit still and allow myself to find comfort in the Divine – “One God, One life, one mind, one heart… Together we are one.” This has become my morning tradition, and while it isn’t for everyone, I find great comfort in it.

The past few months, as I have been working on healing other areas of my life, I have found myself missing Bruce and feeling down on myself more than usual… more than I have in years. In fact, the more I deal with the mistakes I have made through the years, the more I have disliked and been angry with myself… And the more I have hated myself, the more I have missed Bruce… The man who saw so much more in me than I ever did… The man who believed in me and helped me keep a level head about my past, as well as, where I was heading.

Then, last week, the universe floated this verse into my world:

“I thank my God every time I remember you.” ~ Philippians 1:3

Oh my gosh! How simple and how true! I may be having a good day or a bad day… I may be happy or grieving or angry… Yet, no matter what, I really do thank God every single day for this man… This man who showed me true, unconditional love with every breath.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard. I don’t think any of us chose to be here, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined. Each time I think I have it all figured out; I find I don’t at all, despite the years since Bruce passed. Life is filled with challenges for all of us. For me, my goal is to look at this year before me and (intentionally) hold onto the joy and the hope life holds.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Support

After Bruce died, I knew I couldn’t do this thing alone. I knew I was struggling. I knew I needed support. So, one of the first things I did was to look for a grief support group. Most of the groups in my town met during the day, and since I was already back at work, that wouldn’t work for me. However, there was one group, a national grief support program, being offered at a church in my town. Admittedly, I was very angry with God at that point and not very thrilled about the religious aspect. At the same time, it didn’t sour me on the idea, and so I went.

From day one, it was made quite clear that because I was not a member of that church, my faith (and my anger at God), were immediately suspect. To be fair, I know a lot of people who have been through this program in other towns and found it quite helpful. However, in my experience here, this program was presented in such a way that that particular church’s dogma became interwoven and rather than being helpful, it became quite offensive. I wasn’t allowed to pray out loud, and was constantly being told that their Biblical interpretations were the only right ones. In fact, the night that I decided I had had enough, was the night they told me that my grief was a sin, and it was offensive to God… That was it! I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was done. I may not have the best self-esteem on the planet, but even I knew that was crap (for lack of a better word). Even my own self-compassion told me that was not support… That was not what I was looking for or what I needed.

So… Let’s talk a little bit about support today? What is isn’t… and what it is…

I can remember so many phrases that have been used through the years that, honestly, were not supportive. Some have been religious in nature and were used mainly in the first few months. These included things like:
“God needed another angel.” (Nope! I don’t think so.)
Or
“He is in a better place.” (Well, let me tell you, it’s not better for me.)

There are a thousand more like these, but you get the picture…

Then there are the phrases intended to give me “grief advice” that have continued through the years. These include things like:
“You need to move on.” (Seriously? Don’t you think I would if I knew how?)
Or
“You’re not the first person to go through this. You need to get past it.” (Yes, I know… But again, empty words, my friend, … empty words.)

Then there are the people who just drop out of your world. I get it (kind of) … This grief thing is very uncomfortable… Trust me! I’m in the middle of it. I know exactly how uncomfortable it can be. The thing is, when someone chooses to walk away, because my grief is hard for them to witness, then I have learned just how misplaced my trust and friendship were with that person. So… go… But please, don’t show back up months or years later and think we can pick up where you left. I have had the added grief of losing that friendship… And I’m not real interested in going through all of that again when things get hard again (and they will because that is just a part of life).

Then, there are the people who just want to pretend that this grief thing never happened. These people struggle to accept that because this loss, I am different… But look at me… I have changed. I can’t be who I was, because that person no longer exists. When I say “I can’t” or try to do what is emotionally healthiest for me, their response seems to fluctuate between impatience and downright anger. (I just don’t get this one at all.)

Trust me… All of these things… not supportive. But, thankfully, that’s not the end…

There are also the things that are supportive… And, honestly, it is a shorter list and requires way less energy…

As far as what to say… First of all, please realize that there is nothing anyone can say to really make it better. If one feels they must say something, the following felt much more supportive (to me):
“I am sorry” or “I hate this for you.” (Thank you… Me too!)
Or
“There are no words, but I’m here.” (Thank God, because I can’t do this by myself!)

Honestly, though, you don’t need to say anything. Just sit with me… Just walk beside me for a bit… or as the characters on Grey’s Anatomy did when their friend was grieving “lay on the bathroom floor with me.” (Figuratively, of course.)

As far as the rest goes… Please keep your judgements about what I should do or not do, how I should feel or not feel, etc. to yourself… Please… Just allow me some space and some compassion… Allow me to even have some self-compassion. Let me know that you support those things that help me heal, no matter how slowly (or how silly they may seem)… whether these things include tears or writing or small ceremonies on special days… or anything else…

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we aren’t looking for anyone to “fix” it or “fix” us… That can’t be done. We have to figure this out one breath at a time… All we really need from everyone else is your love and your compassion… And that’s it… That is support.

This grief thing really IS hard, and honestly, while I have learned a lot, I still hate it. There are more good days than there used to be, but I still constantly find myself wishing for the past. Grief has changed me in ways I could never have prepared for, and in ways no one else might understand. Life on this path is sometimes filled with challenges I never imagined. And each time I think I have it figured out, something happens, and I find I haven’t figured it out at all. However, finding ways to stay grounded and remembering how blessed I am to have known Bruce’s love (even for a short time) has been my path to survival and healing. At this point in my journey, I am learning that while I remember the past, I must also keep looking at this life before me and recognizing the joy, love, and hope it still holds… Then, learning to hold onto that with everything I have.

Thanks to you, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Finding Hope After the Why

“Why?… Why did you leave me here?”

I tend to ask that question a lot, especially on mornings like today. Mornings where it feels like the world is falling down around me… I know the world has never been a perfect place. However, over the last few days (months even) when I have woken up, the news has been filled, absolutely overflowing, with sickness, death, anger, violence, and division. You name it, it’s there and it’s awful. All I want to do is crawl back in bed and cry.

I won’t lie. When the world becomes more that I think I can handle, I find myself wishing above anything else to have Bruce beside me once again… Holding me tight and telling me that he’s got me… I am safe… Reassuring me that everything will be okay. That’s what he did… That is where I felt completely safe… But that was then, and this is now… He is not here… I AM alone…

I know this isn’t about me… I know I’m not an any immediate danger. There is no one threatening me in any way. In fact, our little town actually came together as a community yesterday (yes, everyone) to watch and celebrate the first manned rocket launch since 2011. Our many differences made no difference… Everyone stood as one – watching and cheering. It was such an inspiring contrast to so many other things happening.

Yet, it is those other events that I see on the news – illness, poverty, feelings and attitudes that have been brewing and dividing us for years – that breaks my heart. How do I reconcile what I see on the news happening in the communities around me with what I just experienced outside my own door? I know they are both real… And that scares me, too.

I know Bruce would say that the river doesn’t try to move the rocks, but flows around them… While I know he was talking about accepting life as it happens, I also know he wasn’t saying to accept maltreatment. His support was one of the biggest healing factors after the chaos and violence of my first marriage. He was a cautious man… my “gentle giant” who believed in being safe in a world that can sometimes feel out of control… Which is why I still find myself wanting him here… beside me… holding me… I want him to be the strong one for a while… I’m tired. (Yes, I guess, that probably does sound selfish. I’m just saying how I feel.)

Earlier this week, I listened to a Dr. Edith Eva Eger, and I must say that this morning her words are helpful. She is a holocaust survivor and a psychologist who deals with trauma… Something this country is overwhelmed with right now. I think that is what caught my attention… We have all had trauma in our lives. However, it is how we deal with it that makes the difference.

She talked about how trauma has two sides – the victimizer and the victimized… And she chose that wording carefully, because while a person may be victimized, that doesn’t mean you have to be a victim. Being a victim, according to Dr. Eger, is an attitude… And since an attitude comes from within us, that makes it a choice. Let me be very clear, trauma is real… Victimizers and victims are very real. It’s our attitude that determines our response, and our response determines whether we are victims or survivors.

The truth is we can find ourselves being victimized by all kinds of things – situations, people… and even our own minds. Yes, our own minds. Dr Eger talked about how when we allow ourselves to be in “victim mode,” we create our own “concentration camp” within our minds with ourselves as both the captors and the victims. She also said that each of us has the potential to be like Hitler and like Mother Teresa (not “or”) – no one is perfect… We all have good and bad within us. It is all about the choices we make… I know she is right… I know Bruce would say the same… to face whatever is before me with love, compassion, peace, and the presence of mind to remain calm and safe… To be true to who I am and who I want to be.

In my first marriage, I remained a “victim” for 20+ years before I finally left. However, even then, I stayed a “victim” in my own mind for many more years, as I allowed my ex-husband’s words to terrorize me. Thankfully, Bruce was the voice of reason that helped me change the “talk” going on in my own mind and the hope that helped me work my way out of that mindset.

Still, it didn’t end there… That mindset is a tough battle to overcome…

When Bruce died, I must admit that I didn’t just grieve for him… The first few years found me in a dark, dark place… I was definitely in “victim-mode” as I struggled with the reality of his death. Back then I did a lot of “why did you leave me here” type thinking.

As you may remember, last week I wrote about those years, the legacy Bruce left behind, and how I am learning to embrace it. This week has pushed me a little farther… It has been a “do you believe it enough to live it” kind of week. Dr. Eger was a fabulous reminder of how important it is to put my money where my mouth is… How to handle the “captors” in my own head and not let fear and frustration take over my mindset… All the same things Bruce had said and would continue to say if he were here.

So… That is where I am… Yes, I would give anything to have him here… Yes, I asked his picture again this morning why he left me here to figure all this out by myself… And, more importantly, while I still miss him terribly, I know I am fine… Life is good, and I can do this!

So… This has been my week. What about yours? Do you ever find yourself in “victim mode” and struggling to get out? It’s normal… That is a rabbit hole that tugs us further and further down, until we force ourselves to look at the world from another angle, and that’s not easy. We would love to hear your story and share a virtual hug. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… A Little Compassion Goes a Long Way

If you read my blog a few weeks ago, you may remember me mentioning that one of our cats had died. This weekend, we went to pick up her ashes, and I have to say, they did a beautiful job memorializing her life for us.

First, the package was wrapped up in a beautiful purple tulle bag. Inside was a lovely box which opened like a book. Inside the box, was information about grieving a pet and grief support, an imprint of her paw, cards with her paw and nose prints, and her ashes. We were all so touched by the amount of compassion and empathy that went into this whole process.

For me, though, the minute I saw the package, I was immediately taken back to the day when I picked up Bruce’s ashes… I’m not trying to be rude, but that experience was quite the opposite of this experience…

The funeral home had originally told us it would take about a week to do the cremation and get the ashes back. However, it ended up being more like 2.5 weeks. By this point, all my family had left. Each person had tried to stay for as long as they could, but they had jobs, families and lives to return to… We couldn’t sit around staring at each other and crying forever. While I hated to see them leave, I understood.

My sister was the last one to go… I remember when she left, we both cried. She told me she would come back in a few weeks, (which she did). She was also quite adamant that I should get someone to go with me when Bruce’s ashes were ready for me to pick up… I was not to go alone.

However, when the funeral home finally called, a day or two later, there was no one to go with me, and I just wanted – no, I needed – to get them. I couldn’t wait any longer. I can’t explain it, but I was too anxious to wait another day. Bruce needed to come home. So, I went… alone.

Because I was still very numb and raw, (still in shock, I believe), I had not driven up to this point. However, the funeral home was only a few blocks away, so I didn’t give it a second thought… I just went.

Now, I can’t tell you the business role of the woman who met me when I arrived. However, I can say her people skills were quite lacking. Here I was in her office – a brand new widow, eyes swollen from weeks of tears – picking up my late husband’s ashes. Yet, she was completely oblivious… All she could do was complain about her health.

Don’t get me wrong, normally I would be empathetic about another person’s health issues, but in this situation and at this time, it was not my job to nurture her… No, I’m sorry, but in this moment, it was her job to nurture me. I don’t mean for that to sound self, but shouldn’t that be basic customer service in a funeral home? Was I expecting too much?

Frustrated as I was, I didn’t say anything… I just stared at her as she ranted on and on. Finally, she asked me for Bruce’s name. Then, she reached into a cabinet and held out three small containers to me.

“Here you go,” she said.
“Those aren’t Bruce’s,” I replied.
“Yes, they are,” she argued.

For the next few minutes, we went back and forth – me trying to explain that his remains should be in one container with a sunset on it, not three small Asian style containers. On the other hand, she kept trying to convince me that “in my grief,” I probably couldn’t remember what I had ordered. It was absolutely infuriating.

Finally, she went to the desk to look up the records. When she turned back to me, it was obvious she wasn’t happy about what she found. There was no apology, though, as she returned to the cabinet and found Bruce’s ashes. All she said as she handed the container to me was, “They both came in today.”

But that wasn’t the worse part…

As I watched in disbelief, she pulled out a plastic bag, like the kind you get at the grocery store. The bag was white and emblazoned in red on one side was the name, address and phone number of the funeral home… It was nothing more than a huge ad for the business! And while I watched in horror, she dropped the container unceremoniously into this bag. Then, she handed the bag to me, and returned to her desk without another word…

I was so incredibly floored! How do you even respond to that? I mean, it’s not like I had ever done this before… maybe this was normal? Maybe my expectations were too high?

So, I just walked out the door and to my car. Once inside my car, I fell apart…

Here I was – holding what remained of my husband… The same man, who just a few weeks before had held me in his arms. How could this small container hold what remained of Bruce? It weighed no more than a bag of flour! How could this be him? He had been six feet tall… He had been a muscular man… a weightlifter. He had been a vibrant man – full of life… and love. Surely, there was something wrong… This could not be him!

But, it was… This was my Bruce. I held him in my lap, tears streaming down my face, as I drove home.

Once I got home, I placed his ashes on the dresser and lit candles all around it… Still in shock… Still in unbelief… And for the next 24 hours, I sat vigil with his ashes… I talked to him, I cried for him, and I prayed for both of us… How was I going to do this? How was I going to keep going without him? So many questions… so much anxiety… so much grief… and no answers.

However, life doesn’t stop. So, a few months later, on his birthday, our families gathered one more time to say our goodbyes and scatter his ashes in the ocean. While it was sad and my heart was torn apart, it was a beautiful memorial… Everything about it “felt like Bruce.”

Time has passed, and through the years, I haven’t put too much thought into that day at the funeral home… until today, when we picked up Duffy’s ashes. The contrast of how they treated Duffy’s remains and us, as her family, when compared to that day in the funeral home is like night is to day. I truly expected something like what I had experienced before – a lack of compassion and understanding for what we were feeling – just a business transaction – nothing more.

However, that was not our experience this time. This weekend’s experience was beautiful… It felt kind… It felt compassionate, and it offered a step toward healing and closure.

As we left, we were so thankful for the fact that stranger was able to understand the grief of losing a pet. I just wish, that lady years ago could have understood the same… I wish she could have known how far a little bit of kindness can go, to help someone who is hurting so deeply…

I don’t know if any of this rings a bell for anyone. I truly hope no one else has had a similar experience. If you have, I am so very sorry. Either way, even the experience of finding a funeral home and handling the remains and the funeral or memorial can be hard. At least, I know it felt overwhelming for me… Did you do it on your own, or did you have someone to guide you through it? Would you be willing to share your story with us, please? This path can be a hard and lonely one, but none of us needs to do it alone. We are all here for each other. We all have stories to share. Because this is our community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… That’s just not true, (so don’t listen)

(Re) Construction Zone Warning:
This area may look like an emotional mess as I work towards recovering from my grief.
Some days the mess you see will look worse than it really is.
Other days it will look better than it really is.
But most days it will look exactly as it really is… emotional chaos…
Until I have worked through my grief,
Please… just send love and understanding.

~ Linda, October 7, 2013

Grief is a crazy thing… and people’s reactions to it are just as crazy. If you are grieving, I will bet some of this will ring true…

So many times over the past 2.5 years I have been confronted with other people’s opinions (aka judgments) about how I grieve. So many times I became frustrated knowing that no matter how I grieve – whatever I did – there would be someone to pick it apart. Learning how to deal with those (and any) judgments is what I want to talk about today, because if we can learn not to listen, we can heal so much better.

Throughout my journey, I have encountered some statements that, honestly, are hard to believe. If it weren’t for the fact that they were actually said in earnest, they would almost be laughable… like a line out of a comedy sitcom. To give you an idea, here are a few paraphrased examples:

* You need to keep in mind that you aren’t the only person to have ever lost a spouse.

* You don’t have it so bad – you can always replace a husband.

* I can’t imagine what it must be like to not have anyone need you. (Usually followed by)… What in the world do you do with yourself?

* You’re not dating yet? Well, I guess, you don’t look too bad yet. I suppose, you can risk waiting a little bit longer.

* I have received countless letters, messages, emails and lectures listing all the things that (according to someone else) are “wrong” with me.

* I have even had a few people contact me to say they wanted to become my friend so they could “fix me.”

I am learning to laugh when I hear these things… How else is a person supposed to respond? If we really think about it, does anyone believe these people thought about what they were saying before they said it? I doubt it… Although, I am pretty sure they thought they were “helping.”

It is also important to understand that none of these things were ever said in contempt. (In my heart, I know that.) I choose to believe that each person was trying to help in their own way… They just happen to be completely oblivious to the damage left in their wake.

Here is where the problem begins… Adding any of this “stuff” to someone’s plate when that person is already grieving and heartbroken is generally a bad idea. At least for me, it was.

I’m not angry anymore… but I was. I have struggled over the years not to internalize these things and make them a part of me. To cope, I would put some distance or completely break off most of these relationships.

Let’s be real for a little while, because this doesn’t just affect me… or mourners. For whatever reason, we have become a society that loves to look at each other and make a judgment… a judgment that makes us feel better about ourselves. But how fair is that? What is the point? Does it really help make the world a better place?

We are all aware that we have all done this at some point in time, and we do it for different reasons… There may be some people who think they are doing God some kind of favor by judging others for Him or perhaps they believe they will “win souls over to God.” However, most of us grew up in a culture that told us: we-are-better-because-we-don’t-do-whatever-you/they-are-doing…

However, no one is without their own struggles, and none of these thought processes are productive or loving… none of them creates peace. Instead, divisiveness becomes the result.

The God that I worship created me as I am. He is well aware of who I am… all of me – the good and the bad. I sincerely believe he adores me, as well as every other person he has created. He loves us and celebrates over us, regardless of our circumstances or choices.

So what do we do when someone chooses to toss their judgment our way? Or when we are tempted to throw our own judgment in someone else’s direction?

Well,that my friends, depends on each of us. Look deep inside… What are you afraid of? How do you respond to stress?

Like anyone else, I have not perfected this… I am learning. So, when I find myself ready to judge someone else, I have to stop, take a breath and remember that we all respond to life based on our own experiences. Like fingerprints, no two people will ever share those experiences precisely… not even siblings.

I also know that I can never change anyone else. The only person I can change is me… so that is where I begin. I strive to change my attitude toward that person by reminding myself that we are all divine creations… I need to look at them in compassion and let go.

On the other side, when judgment is tossed my way, I need to recognize my natural tendency to hide or run away. I know my natural reaction is to act like everything is fine in the moment, and then avoid that person at all costs afterward. But how healthy is that?

It’s not, in case you were wondering… I believe that is one of the lessons I am meant to learn on this journey.

I have learned a few quotes that are helpful when it comes to this whole judgment thing. The first comes from Wayne Dyer, a spiritual/motivational speaker, and was one of Bruce’s favorites, “When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.”

There is another one from the Tao Te Ching which states, “Those who know do not speak. And those who speak do not know.”

What wonderfully simple ways to look at judgment… no matter which end you are on.

When I can keep these simple statements in mind… when I can remember that just because someone says something does not make it true, then I am able to overlook, forgive and have compassion for the other person. Then, I can move past those statements without making them a part of who I am… without any damage being inflicted.

And that, my friends, is when I grow…

Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.