Peace, Love and Grief… Finding Hope After the Why

“Why?… Why did you leave me here?”

I tend to ask that question a lot, especially on mornings like today. Mornings where it feels like the world is falling down around me… I know the world has never been a perfect place. However, over the last few days (months even) when I have woken up, the news has been filled, absolutely overflowing, with sickness, death, anger, violence, and division. You name it, it’s there and it’s awful. All I want to do is crawl back in bed and cry.

I won’t lie. When the world becomes more that I think I can handle, I find myself wishing above anything else to have Bruce beside me once again… Holding me tight and telling me that he’s got me… I am safe… Reassuring me that everything will be okay. That’s what he did… That is where I felt completely safe… But that was then, and this is now… He is not here… I AM alone…

I know this isn’t about me… I know I’m not an any immediate danger. There is no one threatening me in any way. In fact, our little town actually came together as a community yesterday (yes, everyone) to watch and celebrate the first manned rocket launch since 2011. Our many differences made no difference… Everyone stood as one – watching and cheering. It was such an inspiring contrast to so many other things happening.

Yet, it is those other events that I see on the news – illness, poverty, feelings and attitudes that have been brewing and dividing us for years – that breaks my heart. How do I reconcile what I see on the news happening in the communities around me with what I just experienced outside my own door? I know they are both real… And that scares me, too.

I know Bruce would say that the river doesn’t try to move the rocks, but flows around them… While I know he was talking about accepting life as it happens, I also know he wasn’t saying to accept maltreatment. His support was one of the biggest healing factors after the chaos and violence of my first marriage. He was a cautious man… my “gentle giant” who believed in being safe in a world that can sometimes feel out of control… Which is why I still find myself wanting him here… beside me… holding me… I want him to be the strong one for a while… I’m tired. (Yes, I guess, that probably does sound selfish. I’m just saying how I feel.)

Earlier this week, I listened to a Dr. Edith Eva Eger, and I must say that this morning her words are helpful. She is a holocaust survivor and a psychologist who deals with trauma… Something this country is overwhelmed with right now. I think that is what caught my attention… We have all had trauma in our lives. However, it is how we deal with it that makes the difference.

She talked about how trauma has two sides – the victimizer and the victimized… And she chose that wording carefully, because while a person may be victimized, that doesn’t mean you have to be a victim. Being a victim, according to Dr. Eger, is an attitude… And since an attitude comes from within us, that makes it a choice. Let me be very clear, trauma is real… Victimizers and victims are very real. It’s our attitude that determines our response, and our response determines whether we are victims or survivors.

The truth is we can find ourselves being victimized by all kinds of things – situations, people… and even our own minds. Yes, our own minds. Dr Eger talked about how when we allow ourselves to be in “victim mode,” we create our own “concentration camp” within our minds with ourselves as both the captors and the victims. She also said that each of us has the potential to be like Hitler and like Mother Teresa (not “or”) – no one is perfect… We all have good and bad within us. It is all about the choices we make… I know she is right… I know Bruce would say the same… to face whatever is before me with love, compassion, peace, and the presence of mind to remain calm and safe… To be true to who I am and who I want to be.

In my first marriage, I remained a “victim” for 20+ years before I finally left. However, even then, I stayed a “victim” in my own mind for many more years, as I allowed my ex-husband’s words to terrorize me. Thankfully, Bruce was the voice of reason that helped me change the “talk” going on in my own mind and the hope that helped me work my way out of that mindset.

Still, it didn’t end there… That mindset is a tough battle to overcome…

When Bruce died, I must admit that I didn’t just grieve for him… The first few years found me in a dark, dark place… I was definitely in “victim-mode” as I struggled with the reality of his death. Back then I did a lot of “why did you leave me here” type thinking.

As you may remember, last week I wrote about those years, the legacy Bruce left behind, and how I am learning to embrace it. This week has pushed me a little farther… It has been a “do you believe it enough to live it” kind of week. Dr. Eger was a fabulous reminder of how important it is to put my money where my mouth is… How to handle the “captors” in my own head and not let fear and frustration take over my mindset… All the same things Bruce had said and would continue to say if he were here.

So… That is where I am… Yes, I would give anything to have him here… Yes, I asked his picture again this morning why he left me here to figure all this out by myself… And, more importantly, while I still miss him terribly, I know I am fine… Life is good, and I can do this!

So… This has been my week. What about yours? Do you ever find yourself in “victim mode” and struggling to get out? It’s normal… That is a rabbit hole that tugs us further and further down, until we force ourselves to look at the world from another angle, and that’s not easy. We would love to hear your story and share a virtual hug. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

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Peace, Love and Grief… We choose who we are

It was a typical Monday a few weeks ago and I was on my way to work at the the ridiculous hour of 6 AM. I had stopped at a local gas station for some caffeine, and while paying, the clerk asked the “required” question, “How are you today?” I smiled and responsed, “Fabulous! How about you?” He laughed and said anyone who could be fabulous so early on a Monday morning must have been sent to make HIS day better, too. We both laughed, and I walked out the door to continue my day.

That conversation is becoming more common these days. While it was definitely typical before Bruce passed, it was not typical for the first 2 years after he died. I was not fabulous and I just couldn’t fake it…

In the very beginning, I was in such shock that I don’t really remember a whole lot of what was happening. I have a few sketchy memories that let me know, I was breathing… but not functional. For example, the day after Bruce died (or the one after that), I was sitting on the couch by his Dad just staring at nothing… trying to just focus on breathing and not falling completely apart. When his Dad spoke up, “Are you going to contact a funeral home?”

Me – Do I need to?

Dad – Yes, you need to make arrangements for him.

He was right and he said with love, but it was horrible to hear. I didn’t want to do it… That would make everything way too real. I knew nothing about death and funerals and all the things I needed to do. I am sure the people around me must have helped and given me direction, but I don’t remember… I was lost somewhere deep inside myself.

I must have given the appearance of being fine because less than 2 weeks later, I was alone again. Rather than sit alone and stare at the walls, I went back to work. While it was good for me to be with people (my co-workers were wonderful), I can’t really say how productive I was… I can’t remember. I do remember looking out my office window (a lot)… it overlooks a major highway in our city and every semi-truck that passed brought a new round of tears. That’s where Bruce was supposed to be… I didn’t want to face this “new normal”… I couldn’t accept it as real.

If you are grieving and you remember these feelings… you are very normal and so am I. It is called shock (or grief brain). If you have watched someone going through this and thought they have lost their mind – they haven’t.
I’m not a doctor or a scientist but it was explained to me this way: The pain of losing someone we love can be so intense that the body will go into a protective mode by shutting down small parts of the brain until the person is better able to deal with the situation.

This initial shock usually lasts about 3 – 4 months. That is another issue… At the 3 – 4 month point, most of the people who have been checking in on you disappear from the scene. It is like clockwork, and every mourner I have spoken to has experienced it at about the same point. So here you are – the shock of your loss and a new life is wearing off… and the people who are still available to help you through it are few.

At this point, I found myself pulling in even further. I was so scared… I didn’t want to burn out the few people still listening and holding me while I cried… (Although, I probably did anyway.) I was completely lost and had no idea how to move forward. Breathing seemed to be the only “do-able” thing on the agenda.

That was then… so how did I get where I am now? Like turning the Titanic, it has been a long and slow process… and I am still working on it day to day.

Somewhere after the first 10 months, I met a wonderful life coach. She helped me realize that while I can’t control everything that happens in my world, I can control how I respond. Is it really that easy? No – not by a long shot! It is probably the hardest thing I have ever done… and I have to do it every single day.

You see, every morning when I wake up, I reach out… and next to me, I find emptiness. Each morning, I am reminded once again that Bruce is gone. This is real, and this is my life. This is my first choice of the day. I could fall apart at that point… I used to… and honestly, there are still some days when I STILL do.

But the majority of the time, I ask myself the same questions my dear friend and coach asked me a couple of years ago, “How do you think you are showing up for the rest of the world?” and “Is that how you want to show up?”

While they sound so simple, those are some pretty deep questions. I want to be honest about my experience and who I am now but I don’t want to bring the rest of the world down – I don’t want to be pitied or be a burden. Somehow, there needs to be a balance between being a positive part of society while still being honest and genuine.

I know how I want to show up… I want to be a positive part of other people’s day. (I don’t want to drag them down.) When I finally leave this world, I want to feel that I left it a little better than when I came in… I want to believe I made a positive difference to someone. But, I know I can’t do that if I am leaving sadness in my wake wherever I go.

I think for me, one of the biggest turning points came when I heard two mourners talking one day. One made the comment, “We can’t help the way we are, we didn’t ask for this. It’s not our fault and we can’t control it. The rest of the world can just deal with us.” She was right – we didn’t ask for this and it’s not our fault. But I realized she was also wrong – we can help it… we may not be able to control our grief every moment of every day, but we can certainly do our best to be our best.

More and more often lately, I hear how “strong” I am… I laugh inside because I’m not – at least I don’t feel strong. These two questions present a daily choice for me that isn’t easy or natural at this point in my journey… “Who do I want to be today?”

Some days I am better at the answer than other days… but I won’t give up. I refuse to be a “victim” of my circumstances. I refuse to let my grief control the rest of my life and who I am. I am determined to choose how I will live each day. I am determined to live as honestly and positively as possible, because ultimately… it really is up to me.

Because this is OUR community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. Your experience may have been completely different. Please share it with us by going to the comments and leaving a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.