“Why?… Why did you leave me here?”
I tend to ask that question a lot, especially on mornings like today. Mornings where it feels like the world is falling down around me… I know the world has never been a perfect place. However, over the last few days (months even) when I have woken up, the news has been filled, absolutely overflowing, with sickness, death, anger, violence, and division. You name it, it’s there and it’s awful. All I want to do is crawl back in bed and cry.
I won’t lie. When the world becomes more that I think I can handle, I find myself wishing above anything else to have Bruce beside me once again… Holding me tight and telling me that he’s got me… I am safe… Reassuring me that everything will be okay. That’s what he did… That is where I felt completely safe… But that was then, and this is now… He is not here… I AM alone…
I know this isn’t about me… I know I’m not an any immediate danger. There is no one threatening me in any way. In fact, our little town actually came together as a community yesterday (yes, everyone) to watch and celebrate the first manned rocket launch since 2011. Our many differences made no difference… Everyone stood as one – watching and cheering. It was such an inspiring contrast to so many other things happening.
Yet, it is those other events that I see on the news – illness, poverty, feelings and attitudes that have been brewing and dividing us for years – that breaks my heart. How do I reconcile what I see on the news happening in the communities around me with what I just experienced outside my own door? I know they are both real… And that scares me, too.
I know Bruce would say that the river doesn’t try to move the rocks, but flows around them… While I know he was talking about accepting life as it happens, I also know he wasn’t saying to accept maltreatment. His support was one of the biggest healing factors after the chaos and violence of my first marriage. He was a cautious man… my “gentle giant” who believed in being safe in a world that can sometimes feel out of control… Which is why I still find myself wanting him here… beside me… holding me… I want him to be the strong one for a while… I’m tired. (Yes, I guess, that probably does sound selfish. I’m just saying how I feel.)
Earlier this week, I listened to a Dr. Edith Eva Eger, and I must say that this morning her words are helpful. She is a holocaust survivor and a psychologist who deals with trauma… Something this country is overwhelmed with right now. I think that is what caught my attention… We have all had trauma in our lives. However, it is how we deal with it that makes the difference.
She talked about how trauma has two sides – the victimizer and the victimized… And she chose that wording carefully, because while a person may be victimized, that doesn’t mean you have to be a victim. Being a victim, according to Dr. Eger, is an attitude… And since an attitude comes from within us, that makes it a choice. Let me be very clear, trauma is real… Victimizers and victims are very real. It’s our attitude that determines our response, and our response determines whether we are victims or survivors.
The truth is we can find ourselves being victimized by all kinds of things – situations, people… and even our own minds. Yes, our own minds. Dr Eger talked about how when we allow ourselves to be in “victim mode,” we create our own “concentration camp” within our minds with ourselves as both the captors and the victims. She also said that each of us has the potential to be like Hitler and like Mother Teresa (not “or”) – no one is perfect… We all have good and bad within us. It is all about the choices we make… I know she is right… I know Bruce would say the same… to face whatever is before me with love, compassion, peace, and the presence of mind to remain calm and safe… To be true to who I am and who I want to be.
In my first marriage, I remained a “victim” for 20+ years before I finally left. However, even then, I stayed a “victim” in my own mind for many more years, as I allowed my ex-husband’s words to terrorize me. Thankfully, Bruce was the voice of reason that helped me change the “talk” going on in my own mind and the hope that helped me work my way out of that mindset.
Still, it didn’t end there… That mindset is a tough battle to overcome…
When Bruce died, I must admit that I didn’t just grieve for him… The first few years found me in a dark, dark place… I was definitely in “victim-mode” as I struggled with the reality of his death. Back then I did a lot of “why did you leave me here” type thinking.
As you may remember, last week I wrote about those years, the legacy Bruce left behind, and how I am learning to embrace it. This week has pushed me a little farther… It has been a “do you believe it enough to live it” kind of week. Dr. Eger was a fabulous reminder of how important it is to put my money where my mouth is… How to handle the “captors” in my own head and not let fear and frustration take over my mindset… All the same things Bruce had said and would continue to say if he were here.
So… That is where I am… Yes, I would give anything to have him here… Yes, I asked his picture again this morning why he left me here to figure all this out by myself… And, more importantly, while I still miss him terribly, I know I am fine… Life is good, and I can do this!
So… This has been my week. What about yours? Do you ever find yourself in “victim mode” and struggling to get out? It’s normal… That is a rabbit hole that tugs us further and further down, until we force ourselves to look at the world from another angle, and that’s not easy. We would love to hear your story and share a virtual hug. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.
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