blessed – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love and Grief… Just Thinking of Him

First let me apologize for missing last week. As you will read, we were having a wedding…

Hey Babe,

Wow! What a busy few weeks this has been! I am whipped! The wedding was a week ago, and we all missed you…

As the mother of the bride, my son escorted me up the aisle to be seated, and our grandson escorted me out afterward. It warmed my heart. Yet, in my heart, I so badly wanted it to be you.

Our grandson walked his mother down the aisle and “gave her away.” He was so serious. His mom had her own way of including you, though. She put your picture in a locket and attached it to her bouquet. It really made me smile to know you were a part if this, too.

She walked down the aisle to “I Can’t Help Falling in Love with You.” I love that song. I know they chose it for them and their relationship. However, I can’t listen to it without thinking how I tried not to fall in love with you. I tried to convince myself that we lived too far apart – me in SC and you in MI. I tried to tell myself that we were too different – I was a Catholic school teacher, and you were a teamster truck driver. I even told myself that I was nobody’s “catch” – I was a 40-something divorcee with four children… What kind of crazy would want that?? … But you did… You wanted all that… every bit of it… And I couldn’t help falling in love with you, because of and despite all those arguments.

Like most weddings, the ceremony itself had a way of touching the hearts of us who have married our soulmates. As I listened to the words, I couldn’t help but smile as I remembered our own special day. It wasn’t big or formal – just our family and the judge at the courthouse. Yet, I can remember every moment like it was yesterday… the way you held my hands as you looked me in the eye, and we said our vows. I especially, remember afterward how we clung to each other – so happy… so excited… so in love… promises of “happily ever after” floating in our minds… It was such a happy day.

At the reception, last week, they had all the married couples come out on the dance floor for a dance. It was a little sad to stay seated. I would have loved to have danced with you. I remember the week we met… We danced all week. I also remember the New Years before you died… We danced all night. I used to love that… I used to love the way you held me close when we danced. I swear, even now, when “our song” plays on the radio, I can almost feel you here… holding me close once again… I miss that… I miss you.

Last week’s ceremony was a bittersweet reminder of us… It made me smile because I do believe in “happily ever after.” I love you, Babe, and I will always feel blessed for being your wife!

It has been over eight years, and I still miss Bruce. I hate that he is gone. He changed my world and continues to do so every day. Just thinking about him and our story can put a smile on my face. I don’t know that I will ever get over losing him, but I do know I will always be thankful for having known a love like ours.

Thank you for the opportunity to share my story with you. For all of us, it is easy to feel like this journey is nothing more than a very lonely path, especially since it is so different for each of us. Yet, our love for those we have lost is something we all share. Sharing our stories is important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

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Peace, Love and Grief… The Room

Lately, my nighttime television go-to has been Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix. In one of the episodes this week, one of the surgeons was struggling emotionally in the middle of a surgery. When one of the other surgeons questioned her, she responded by saying that the room they were in was the same one where her husband had died just a few weeks (episodes) earlier. I know it is just a show, but still… my heart broke for her character.

It also got me thinking…

Have you ever driven down the road and seen the memorials on the side of the road? Markers of a space where someone died… Someone who was loved and is still missed. Sometimes it is a simple sign, and other times it is a decorated memorial with items that would have meaning for the person that was lost. It doesn’t matter how simple or decorated they might be, they seem to always catch my attention. Each time, a silent prayer for those who grieve that person crosses my mind… My heart breaks as I experience a glimmer of understanding into their pain.

Then, it dawned on me… Bruce died here… in this house… in our room… in our bed. Yet, I don’t struggle with being here. In fact, the idea of ever moving away is the thing that would bring me more grief. Maybe it’s strange, but I love being here. I love this space that we used to share. Even now, when it doesn’t look anything like it did when he was here, I find comfort in being in this space.

I think I simply love the idea that this space was ours.

When we were first married, I moved into his condo up in Michigan. It was our home, and I have fond memories there. However, through no fault of his, it always felt like it was more “his” than “ours”. Next, we lived in an apartment for a short time when we first moved here, but I don’t think either of us ever felt like it was our home. It was simply a temporary space… A place to sleep until we found a place to live.

Then, we found this little place… a tiny little house near the ocean that felt like us. Bruce added a few touches, such as fans, gutters, and new light fixtures, but nothing major. It fit us perfectly just like it was. We both loved it here.

Bruce loved having a garage to putter in, and the water nearby where he could take the boat and go fishing. We both loved the screened porch, where we could grill or just sit and talk. (Darts quickly became a favorite past time out there.) And, to make the space even more special, he made one of my dreams come true by building me a good, old, southern joggling board – something I still love to this day.

I can remember dancing in the kitchen while we cooked together. Then later, playing foosball to decide who would be the one to clean the kitchen. I used to love sitting snuggled up on the couch while we watched MASH or Andy Griffith before calling it a night. And… some of my favorite memories are those times when we simply laid in the bed quietly talking – sometimes remembering how we had started and other times dreaming about where we wanted to go from there.

There are so many wonderful memories within these walls! Sure, I remember the night he died. Obviously, that is a time that is engraved in my heart forever… but, luckily for me, that night has never stripped me of my love for this space and my memories of us. I know there are people who have been in similar situations and had different responses to the space. I am sure that for some, the pain is too much, and the need to leave too great. I remember before I met Bruce, I dated a widow who had moved less than a mile down the road after his wife died. He loved the town, but he couldn’t stay in their home. I remember he told me that he couldn’t handle having her memory in every room. That is understandable… We are all different and respond to our losses in different ways.

I know, when you are a widow, it can be hard to find things that are connected to your loss that you can say “thank you” for… I get it. However, when it comes to this home, I feel blessed! This house was ours,… and in my heart, it still is. Yes, I will never forget that this is the house… the room where Bruce died… But more importantly, this is the room… the house where Bruce lived… This is the place where we both shared our lives and our love.

So, for me this isn’t a place where I struggle to function… Far from it. This is a place where I still feel Bruce in every room. This is the place where I find solace and comfort all around me… This is the place where my heart finds peace.

Grief is hard. It creates a different path… a different journey for each of us. For some of us, this journey can sometimes be an emotional roller coaster. Some days (or weeks) are better than others, and there are still other weeks where we wonder if we will make it through. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean… what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Blessed are Those Who Mourn

So many times since Bruce’s death, I have heard, read or been reminded of the verse from Matthew 5, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” For some reason, there are a lot of people that think that verse should be my “key” to getting over my grief. Yet, for the longest time, every time I encountered it, my inner response was always, “Uh-huh! Right… Whatever.”

Why? Because that verse in and of itself is not comforting. It is about comfort. It is a promise of comfort… But by itself, it is not comforting.

Every time I heard it, all I could think about was how I was not feeling any comfort at all. Instead, that verse felt cold and sterile – like I was supposed to automatically feel better just because of a few words. The thing is those words don’t convey any understanding of what I was feeling. There might be a strand of compassion in them, but I definitely didn’t feel any empathy for where I was emotionally. Instead, it felt a bit dismissive.

For years, though, I have had a gut feeling that there was more to that verse. That somehow, we have been shorted on this one, and this verse is just a condensed version of what Jesus actually said. After all, if there were hundreds of people listening, surely, he spoke long enough to make it worth their while to be there. However, I honestly believe there was more to it even than that… I believe he must have spoken in such a way that the people felt understood… That his words made a difference and moved them somehow.

Then a few years ago, someone sent me a link for a blog called, “The Sarcastic Lutheran,” written by Nadia Bolz-Weber. (I love her stuff, by the way!) In it, she added all the parts that were missing for me. In just a few short sentences, she brought this verse to life for me… When I read it, I felt understood…

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are they for whom death is not an abstraction. Blessed are they who have buried their loved ones, for whom tears are as real as an ocean. Blessed are they who have loved enough to know what loss feels like. Blessed are the mothers of the miscarried. Blessed are they who don’t have the luxury of taking things for granted any more. Blessed are they who can’t fall apart because they have to keep it together for everyone else. Blessed are the motherless, the alone, the ones from whom so much has been taken. Blessed are those who “still aren’t over it yet” Blessed are they who laughed again when for so long they thought they never would. Blessed are Bo’s wife and kids and Billy’s mom and Amy Mac’s friends. Blessed are those who mourn. You are of heaven and Jesus blesses you.”
~ Nadia Bolz-Weber, ”Some Modern Beatitudes—A Sermon for All Saints Sunday” November 6, 2014, from her blog Sarcastic Lutheran.

That one paragraph still makes me smile… It still leaves me feeling comforted every single time I read it. I love it, because when you are grieving there are so many facets to the journey… And there are so many ways to experience the journey. This paragraph gave me the freedom to feel whatever I felt when I felt it, while at the same time, reminding me I wasn’t alone… I am “of heaven and Jesus blesses .” He understands the magnitude of everything I am feeling… and doesn’t judge me for it or tell me to “get over it.” He just comes beside me, takes me in his arms and holds me… through each moment and each emotion. When I feel broken and alone or guilty for having fun, he is right there, holding me up.

I have never met Nadia Bolz-Weber, nor am I likely to. Yet, because of her, I learned just how precious this short, simple verse can be when presented in the light of complete understanding – with more compassion and empathy than I would have ever believed. Because of her, my attitude about my own journey took a turn for the better, as I realized I just needed to be patient with myself. This is my journey – no one else can do it for me, nor are they likely to completely understand me on each and every step… And that’s okay too.

So now, whenever I hear the “Reader’s Digest” version of that verse, I can smile, because I know there is more to it… There is a blessing there, and while it is one I would rather never need, I can take comfort in knowing I am loved and understood… And that really is the blessing!

This is my story this week, but this is our community… a place to share our experiences. How about you? Was there something that you have read or heard that had a positive impact on your journey? Would you be willing to share it with the rest of us? Or maybe you would be willing to share your story or your thoughts… Who knows… your words may hold the answer for someone else. To share your story or thoughts, please go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Remembering to Be Grateful

“Gratitude isn’t a natural response to adversity;
It’s a discipline you develop.”
~ Unknown

This time of year can be hard… First, this is the time of year focused on family. And while I have a wonderful family, for me there is someone missing… Bruce. It breaks my heart all over again every time I think about it. Then to add the part about be grateful, and the struggle gets a little harder.

It’s not that I’m not grateful, but missing Bruce during the holidays makes it that much harder to remember to be grateful. I actually have to make myself think about the things I have been blessed with rather than the one person I am missing. That may sound ridiculous, but it is a lot harder than one might think.

That first year, I was still too angry to be thankful for anything, (and I told God so). As the years have passed, my attitude has changed. For me the biggest change happened, when I stopped trying to understand why Bruce died, and started trusting that the God who created me, also loves me. (That was a lot harder than it sounds.)

I came to understand that this journey was not a punishment or a test. This death thing was not anything God wanted either. In fact, I have come to believe that when I hurt, he hurts. It took a while (a long while), but I gradually learned to trust in the “unchanging and loving character” of a God who loves me unconditionally, versus the “Gotcha God” that is so often preached.

It is a little hard to believe it is already Thanksgiving week again. I feel like I blinked and went from April to now. (I guess I was a little hyper-focused on getting well.) But now it is a time to be grateful, and I am… I really am. I am alive. My treatments are over. The cancer (as far as I know) is gone. It has been quite a journey, and I am so glad it is over.

But that’s only the tip of the iceberg. I am still here… I get to still watch my grandson grow up. I get to spend time with my family, especially my kids and my sister. I get to watch the sunrise. I get to laugh and play and enjoy life.

What a gift! A gift I didn’t appreciate a few years ago. A gift I wasn’t sure I would have a few months ago. A gift not given to everyone who travels this path.

If there is one thing I learned when Bruce died, it was how short and unpredictable life is. And on this cancer journey, I learned that the things I thought were important before, really aren’t. In the past, I wasted a lot of time worrying or being upset about things that don’t matter now or aren’t even remembered anymore.

I have learned that life, love, and living each moment in a state of gratitude… that is important.

I have to say – this year has been a beast. Yet through it all, I know I have been blessed, and I am truly grateful.

“Gratitude is an attitude you choose,
Not a reaction to your circumstances.”
~ Unknown

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How do you handle family holidays? Have you always been able to be grateful or have you struggled with being grateful? You are not alone… We are all here together. Or maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Grateful?

“There is a great richness in your daily life, just as it is, waiting for you to celebrate it… Give yourself a reminder to be thankful. Create a sign that reads, ‘I am grateful for this moment.” ~ Miriam Hathaway, Simply Grateful: A Journal to Reflect on the Good Things in Life

Over the past month or so, I have shared my latest twist in this life journey – my breast cancer diagnosis. It came as quite a shock since the only risk factor I have is the fact that I am female. So, I guess, I should also admit, it made me angry. For most of my life, I have taken care of myself – exercised, eaten right, didn’t over-indulge. The idea (okay, reality) that I have breast cancer seemed so wrong! And to have to do it without Bruce here – to feel like I was facing it alone – just seemed even worse.

I kept reading all these articles and blogs about people who learned some “great spiritual truth” because of their bout with cancer. When I confided my fear with someone else who had gone through cancer alone, they told me they had nothing but “good days and better days” throughout their journey. (Seriously??) Then, to top it off, I was constantly being told, “You will be fine… Just stay positive.”

I know it is good to be positive. I know my own thoughts create my experience. I know how to “fake it till I make it.” But to be honest… I also need to be able to feel all my feelings… And not all of my feelings are positive ones… That is my truth.

So, I was mad about the diagnosis, scared about the treatment, struggling to find a doctor I trusted and terrified to do this without Bruce. I (finally) found a cancer center with fabulous care. But, I had no choice about the rest – I just had to keep moving forward.

About a week before my surgery, I received a package from my team at work. We are scattered all over the U.S., so it took a lot of coordination, determination, and caring for them to get this together. It was a “care bag” for me to take to my treatments. It included all kinds of things, such as a blanket, coloring book, lotion, lip balm, etc… But the thing that terrified me was a journal.

I know… That’s kind of weird because I have been journaling since Bruce died. I love doing it! Journaling has been some of the best healing therapy I have experienced (and it’s free). But this particular journal was entitled, “Simply Grateful: A Journal to Reflect on the Good Things in Life.”

Hmmm… grateful? Can’t say I was feeling any of that!

So, when I packed up to leave for my surgery, I took my care bag without the journal. Then… at the last minute, I threw it back in. Who knew? Maybe all these positive life lessons would “hit me,” and I’d be ready to write.

Let me just say… That didn’t happen either.

Instead, I returned home after a couple of days, feeling tired, in pain and frustrated with how everything looked… In my journal, I wrote:

“Hi Babe! I did it! I was terrified, but I did it. The pain isn’t too bad, I guess (still taking pain meds though)… I don’t know what I expected, but I’m exhausted. It hurts when I touch it or move around too much, but I can handle that part. The hard part is how it looks. (I know, I’m being vain.) But I don’t think I would even want you to see this… I can’t even stand to look at myself. I know I need to give it time – time to heal – but I HATE it! I hate the way it looks. I know it could be worse, but that doesn’t make this good…. But, I guess, this is my body… It is what it is… I can’t change it, and I can’t fix it… For the first time since you died, I’m glad you’re not here – not here to see this… to see me.”

Nope… Grateful was not what I was feeling.

However, within a few days, as the entirety of what has happened, and the outcome of the surgery began to dawn on me, I realized I needed to pull myself out of this… But how? Then, I remembered… I went to my bag and dug deep… There it was – tucked in the bottom – that “crazy” Simply Grateful journal.

I opened it up and on the first journaling page it read, “Today, I am grateful for….” Followed by three blank pages. Then, one line, “’You are only one thought away from a good feeling.’ ~ Sheila Krystal” So, I started writing – listing each thing I could think of to be grateful for. Before I knew it, I had managed to fill a whole page. Three days later, I came back and filled another one. And a few more days after that, I filled the third.

There were things to be grateful for… I just had to look around… look up… I had to make myself stop looking at all that was wrong and start looking at all that was right. I won’t say it is easy… At least, it hasn’t been for me. I’m still a bit pissed about this whole thing… And it still hurts… And I’m still tired and bruised and swollen… and (I must remind myself) healing. Then, I also remind myself, there are a lot of women who haven’t gotten this far… I am one of the really lucky ones.

So far, this is where I am: I haven’t learned any great, spiritual truths… Nor am I positive all the time. I’m just me… feeling what I feel and working to remain grateful for what is…

Friday:
“Hi Babe! Doing a little better each day… It is not healing as quickly as I anticipated – still sore, bruised and tired. I cry for you (a lot)… I still miss you so much… This breast cancer thing is hard and scary without you. Sorry, I’m trying so hard to stay up… Stay positive… but some days are harder than others. So, I’m working on being grateful for what is… Grateful for each moment… Because, after all, that’s all we’ve really got.”

Everyone deals with loss, grief and life in their own way. Sometimes new trauma is that much harder to handle simply because they aren’t beside us… It can feel lonely and overwhelming. That is how I have felt since being diagnosed with cancer. I know my thoughts create my experience, so I am working to keep those positive. But then again, life isn’t just positive stuff… Sometimes it is made up of stuff we would rather not face – losing Bruce, this cancer thing… I just need to remember – I am not alone… and neither are you.

Maybe something in this feels familiar… Perhaps you too have experienced something similar. If so, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief