Life is filled with journeys – true journeys and metaphorical journeys. This is the way life is…. It is how we grow and learn and develop. It is how we discover new things about ourselves and how we expand our lives. I write a lot about my grief journey. However, today I want to talk about the wonderful journey life held for the two of us when Bruce and I met… and how we fell in love along the way…
The year was 2005, and our relationship was just beginning. We had met just a couple of months earlier while in the Virgin Islands, and now we were trying to figure out just what this “thing” was between us. During this time, we had started emailing and calling each other. We both knew how wonderful things had been on the cruise, and we knew our relationship seemed special. However, we were 1000 miles apart and both of us felt like we needed some face-to-face time (not on a cruise) to see what was real between us and what wasn’t.
After some conversation back and forth, we both realized each of us was trying to plan a trip to see the other. At the time, I was living in a small town with a lot of caring and loving people… Which is exactly why I wanted our time together to be in Michigan. I did not want the whole town watching while we tried to figure things out… I really needed this to be between just the two of us. So, it was decided that I would be the one to travel… I booked a trip to Michigan for President’s Day weekend.
That year (like this one), Valentine’s Day was exactly one week before President’s Day. I was teaching at a small parochial school with a mostly female staff. All day long, I watched while the other teachers received an unending flow of flowers and candy. I don’t know why I thought he might send me anything. It didn’t make sense, since technically we really weren’t in a relationship. Quite the opposite, actually… We were trying to figure out if that was what we even wanted. However, neither of us were seeing anyone else and feelings between us were growing stronger every time we talked. By the time the day wound down and the kids had headed home, I had resigned myself to the idea that at best there might be a card in the mail when I got home… And honestly, how could I really expect anything more than that?
As I walked into the office to “clock out” for the day, the school secretary said, “Oh, thank goodness! I thought you were gone. This package came earlier this morning and somehow I missed getting it to you.” … And there on the counter was a medium sized box addressed to me. My heart leapt!
I was so excited that I opened it immediately. Inside was a teddy bear dressed for the islands – holding a dozen roses and a note. My heart melted! The gift was perfect! It wasn’t overly romantic… It was simply something to remind me of us and our time together on the cruise.
The next weekend, I flew to Michigan. I was so scared! What was I thinking?? What if I got there, and he wasn’t who he said he was… or who I thought he was? What if things got weird? What if it was a bust? What if… What if… Then again… What if things were wonderful? What if this was something meant to be?
I was so nervous on that plane ride and nervously talked the ear off of the gentleman next to me. But he was great and encouraged me to go for it…
I will always remember walking down the corridor at the airport. Even now, I can close my eyes and still see Bruce standing there, leaning against the wall watching as the passengers walked towards him. As soon as he spotted me, his eyes lit up, and he smiled like a Cheshire cat, (a grin I would grow accustomed to and learn to love with all my heart).
Our weekend together could not have been better. We had our first “land” date as soon as we left the airport. On Saturday, he tried to take me for a sleigh ride, which I had told him was one of my lifetime wishes. He had made reservations, but there was not enough snow on the ground. So, instead, he took me exploring all over the western side of Michigan… Which is beautiful, by the way!
We drove out to Lake Michigan to see the icebergs and snowy beaches. (It was crazy!! I have never seen a real iceberg, or a beach covered in snow.) We went to an ice carving competition (something I had also never experienced living in the south). To warm back up, Bruce found us a cozy little pub where we could snuggle up and enjoy some spiced cider.
One of the nights while I was there, we made plans to go out with his sisters (which held its own set of worries for me). After all, meeting family is a big step, and I wasn’t sure what to think about it. Then, before we headed out, Bruce took me into his arms, lifted my chin so he could look into my eyes, and said, “I don’t want to scare you off, but I really think I am falling in love you.” And at that point, I knew… There was no hesitation…
“I’m not scared,” I answered. “I think I’m falling in love with you, too.”
And that was the start of our journey…
After that, Valentine’s and President’s Day weekend(s) always found us reminiscing and smiling… so thankful that we took a chance (and won). These days marked a very special moment for us… That moment when we knew our lives would be forever intertwined… when we realized that our souls were inseparable…
Throughout the years, Bruce always did something special during February. He was always the one to come up with an idea and do all the planning. (All I had to do was show up.) Every other year, he planned a trip, just like that first year. One year, we went further north to a ranch in Michigan, (which was the year I finally got my sleigh ride). Another year, we took a trip to St. Augustine. During our last February together, we traveled to Key West. I loved these trips! (It didn’t matter where we went – our time together was the blessing.) Each trip created its own precious memories and a special place in my heart.
That was then… But this is now… Physically, Bruce is gone, and I am on another part of my journey… One that is bit harder. I no longer expect to receive any bears or flowers or candy or cards. (Although, my kids always take me out and do a great job of making me feel special.) While that first President’s Day weekend is gone, I will always treasure the memories of that time together – a time of discovery and wonder. But none of that really ended when Bruce died, because I know that I will always love him… And in my heart, I believe he is still with me… and he always will be.
This grief thing is hard, and honestly, while I have learned a lot, I still hate it. There are more good days than there used to be but I still constantly find myself caught between various emotions and the anxiety of day to day living. I am learning that while each day might bring new tears, it also brings new hope. Grief has changed me in ways I could never have prepared for, and in ways no one else might understand. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. However, finding ways to stay grounded and remembering how blessed I am to have known Bruce’s love (even for a short time) has been my path to survival and healing. Life on this path is sometimes filled with challenges I never imagined. And each time I think I have it figured out; I find I haven’t at all. However, at this point in my journey, I know I simply need to breathe, while looking at this life before me and recognizing the joy, love, and hope it still holds… Then, learning to hold onto that with everything I have.
Thanks to you, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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