“The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of the state of your mind.” ~ Wayne Dyer
… A state of mind… Our perspective… It is something we don’t spend a lot of time contemplating. Yet, it controls everything around us… or at least, it controls how we experience everything around us.
At the beginning of this journey, when Bruce first died, all I could think about was how he was gone. Everything in my world was filtered through a lens of grief, loss, pain, and (if I am honest) self-pity. If I saw a couple fighting, I wanted to shout at them to stop. After all, there was no guarantee that they would both still be here in the morning. If I saw a couple holding hands or kissing, I was jealous. Why did they still get to be together, while Bruce and I weren’t. It didn’t seem fair.
But it wasn’t just that… Holidays and normal days, waking and sleeping – no matter what was happening, the “spin” my brain applied had more to do with Bruce being gone than what was actually happening around me. I somehow lost my ability to just enjoy life as it comes. All I could think about was my loss and so that was how I viewed and experienced life.
Was it helpful? Heck, no! Was it a normal reaction? Absolutely!
It took me a long time, though, to realize exactly how much that perspective was hurting me. It wasn’t just my clothes that were black; it was my whole outlook on life. Even now, I know that when I get triggered and a wave of grief comes flooding into my soul, I have to be very careful not to let it take over how I view everything else. Otherwise, I find myself spiraling down, because the more I focus on my pain, the more my pain becomes all I can see.
It is a vicious space to find yourself in and unless you realize it, you will remain there… and it takes a lot of self-discipline to fight that urge to wallow there and instead focus on the good.
“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” ~ Wayne Dyer
This morning when I opened Facebook, the first two posts were from friends whom I have gone to church with, prayed with, loved and cared about. We have different political views, but that doesn’t mean either of us are bad or wrong… We just have different life experiences that have led us to differing opinions. I can respect that. We don’t have to agree.
Why? Because my focus isn’t on our differences. My focus is on the love and friendship we share with each other. My focus is on the Divine in each and every one of us that (in my view) connects all of us to each other.
What hurt, though, is that it would never occur to me to say the things to them that they were saying to me. Granted, it wasn’t a personal message with my name on it. However, these messages were directed at everyone and anyone who isn’t in agreement with them. That makes no sense to me.
It didn’t change my mind. However, it did cause me to flinch on the inside, and honestly, it felt just plain mean. (Not a word I would use to describe either of these people.) How can someone say that their faith calls them to love, then turn right around and say things that are anything but loving?
I found myself asking what happened to the love between friends? Respect for others’ experiences? Compassion for things we may not understand because we’ve never been forced to deal with it? An appreciation for hard choices that (thankfully) weren’t ours to make?
Gone… All of it seems to be gone.
How did we get to this place? I believe a big piece of that puzzle is (as I said in the beginning) our perspective… our focus… Because when we only focus on our differences, suddenly those differences are all we can see, and – right or wrong – that is what we act on.
I can’t imagine living in a world where everyone thinks alike… where all opinions are the same… where there is only room for one way of thinking. I would hate that. I am so thankful for all of my life’s experiences – even that hard ones… even the awful ones. Each of those has broadened my world and opened my eyes.
It’s funny… I didn’t always think that way. I spent most of my life surrounded by people who looked like me, prayed like me, and thought like me… which led me to believe that my thoughts and opinions were the right ones.
Then I met Bruce… sweet, wonderful Bruce. His opinions were not always in line with mine. I can’t tell you how many times I found myself trying to change his mind so he would see things the “right way” … Yet, through it all, he was so patient.
I remember one day as we discussed a sensitive topic, he asked how much I truly knew about the opposing views. It wasn’t a challenge. It was an honest question.
Had I ever actually listened – really listened – as someone explained their thoughts and views? Not simply hearing words and comparing them to my own thoughts… then, ultimately thinking of all the ways they were wrong. In other words, I wasn’t really listening. I was only waiting for my turn to respond. He was asking me to just let go for a moment and listen – without judgement… without formulating a response… to just a focus on them and all the experiences behind the words.
While I wanted to say that I had, I knew that I hadn’t… Not really… not enough. Then he talked about how important it is to listen to all the sides… to get a true and firm idea of where they are on their journey, whether I agreed or not wasn’t the point. The point was that while neither person is likely to change their mind, listening to each other allows us to draw closer in understanding and compassion… In other words, it alters our focus so that we can at least find our similarities and/or understand why we each think differently.
At that point, the focus is no longer on who is right or wrong, but on how we can move forward together… It is about adjusting our perspective so that our interactions are ones that build each other up – not tear each other down.
As time passes, I have come to understand more and more what he was saying (and modeling). Other opinions aren’t a threat – they are simply expressions of where each of us are currently on our journey… And each person’s journey is unique to them.
For example, now I find that I like people who offer other ways of thinking. I learn a lot about myself and the world around me when my perspectives are (respectfully) challenged. It might be hard to hear, and I may or may not understand or agree. However, usually… hopefully… we both leave that conversation a little bit wiser and a little more compassionate.
All that to say this…
“What you choose to perceive, you project out towards others. Your brother or the world you perceive to be outside yourself, acts as a mirror and reflects back what you originally projected out. Since thoughts are things, if you see your brother as handicapped, he will be handicapped. If you see him as hateful, he will be hateful. <Your> ways of seeing your brother reflects how you see yourself.” ~ ACIM, Note #25 (Thomas Wakechild)
There are a lot of things I have learned from Bruce through the years – some while he was alive and some after he died. At this point, I would say this idea of being aware of my focus and how it affects my perspective on everything else has probably had the biggest impact on my life… And for that, I am exceedingly grateful.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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