Why did it turn out this way?
Did I do something wrong?
Does God hate me?
Am I really so bad?
I don’t want much…
Just you!
Why is that the one thing I can’t have?
~ Linda, January 2018
This week I watched the movie, Miracles from Heaven. It is the beautiful story of faith, miracles, family love, and near-death experiences. (I definitely recommend it, but be warned, it will tug at your heartstrings.) In the movie, there is a scene where the little girl has fallen and is unresponsive. However, the rescue workers cannot reach her. After several hours, the mother is watching in horror as the people around her start to discuss the likelihood that the child is already dead. The camera zooms-in on her face as the background noise becomes muffled and the world around her seems to fade into the background, as she focuses everything on the spot where her daughter has fallen. She slowly moves closer and closer to the rescue crew, unable to believe this is how it is going to end.
At that point, I lost it… Suddenly, I was taken back to that moment when the EMS crew was working on Bruce.
I had already been doing CPR until they arrived. At that point, they moved him to the floor just inside our bedroom and began working on him. I stood about ten feet away watching in horror. Just like the mother in the movie, everything became surreal… I watched in disbelief as the EMS crew tried everything available to get Bruce’s heart to start beating again… Like the movie, I was unable to believe this was how it was going to end… This couldn’t be happening… This couldn’t be real… I wasn’t ready for this!
In the movie, the girl is rescued alive… I don’t want to spoil the whole movie, but believe me when I say, her family got several miracles that day. And while I know it was selfish on my part, all I could think was how blessed they were, and how my family wasn’t given a miracle… Bruce’s eyes never opened; his heart never restarted, and he never took another breath. For us, it really was over… and I was devastated.
For years after Bruce died, that is where I stayed… That is where I struggled. I couldn’t understand why Bruce had to die, and why we weren’t given the miracles I had heard about all my life. Just like the mother in the movie, I even had people tell me it was my own sin or “wrong faith” which prevented any miracles and caused Bruce’s death.
But this week, I moved past those thoughts…
Right after watching the movie, as I was settling in for the night, my devotions were about our purpose and destiny in life. According to Victor Frankl, “Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life… a concrete assignment that demands fulfillment. Therein, he cannot be replaced… everyone’s task is as unique as his specific opportunity.” The author then added, “God created you for a specific purpose. Your responsibility (and joy) is to identify it.”
That’s when I realized Bruce was my miracle… and still is… He had a purpose which he fulfilled while he was here… And he still has a purpose,which carries on even today.
Let me explain, what I mean…
While he was here, he showed me what unconditional love really is… He lived it every moment of our time together. He showed my children what a true man and a healthy marriage look like. And the healing he brought to my little family was nothing short of a miracle.
Move forward to today… There are so many things I am still learning from him, as I constantly contemplate how he chose to live his life. He showed me how to have patience and acceptance for others without ever compromising my own values. He also showed me this world doesn’t have to be a “them or us” place… There is room for all us with all of our different cultures, opinions and life styles. One of the main pieces of his legacy which I have drawn from lately is learning to have the strength and resilience to flow with whatever life throws my way (like this cancer journey of the past few months).
So that is our miracle…
The fact that his purpose is still alive and well, and his legacy is still being lived out daily… And as long his legacy is still being lived by those of us who love him, there will always be a piece of Bruce is this world.
What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? Did you ever experience that feeling of disbelief that your time together was over? How did you reconcile reality with what you thought would last forever? Maybe you learned a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.
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