Tag: finding peace

Peace, Love, and Grief – Life Takes Unexpected Turns

Grief is not my identity. It’s not who I am although sometimes I have to remind myself of that. When I see a loving couple or when “our song” comes on the radio, it is triggering. Then, it can be so easy to feel like grief is who I am. At the same time, I know who I am, and “grief” is not who I am… nor is it how I live my day-to-day life. However, grief is how I have responded to this hand I was dealt.

While in the darkest days of my first marriage, I used to pray for peace. I can remember sitting on the back porch after the kids had gone to bed. I couldn’t understand why my (now) ex-husband treated the kids and I the way he did. Why couldn’t he love me? Why couldn’t he love us? Maybe he did somewhere deep down, but his actions towards us were not those of love. There was no peace in our house when he was there. We all walked on eggshells waiting for the next tirade or burst of anger. After many years, I realized that if I wanted peace for the kids and I, it was up to me to do something about it. I knew we needed to leave… and we did with nothing but the clothes on our backs initially. (On a side note, the anniversary of that day was just this past week.)

It still took three long years of games and manipulation on his part for the divorce to be final. Yet, when it was, there was a sense of peace and calm in our little family that felt amazing. I didn’t want anything to mess that up. I wasn’t willing to take a chance on that happening again.

In fact, when Bruce and I met, I made my feelings very clear, as did he… But life takes unexpected turns…

My mother had been praying for me to meet someone to love me… Someone to really and truly love me… Bruce was that man. Even though we had both been hurt deeply before… even though we were both hesitant and scared… We both knew the love we felt was real and couldn’t be denied. So, despite the fact that we had both sworn we would never do it again… We got married.

What a marriage! Sure, we had our difficult moments – that’s life. Be that as it may, even in the midst of those difficult times, we were both confident in the love we shared. Those years together showed me (and my kids) what real, unconditional love is and what a healthy marriage looks like. This hand that life had dealt us was amazing! … But life takes unexpected turns.

In the wee hours one January morning, I woke up to Bruce dying. There was no time to think. I called 911. I performed CPR… but it was all in vain. Despite all efforts to save him, Bruce died… and a huge part of me died with him. Was this really the hand life was dealing for us now?

I had prayed for peace, and I had lived in peace. Then Bruce came along, and love was added to our world… but life takes unexpected turns, and now all of that was gone. Just like that… In the blink of an eye, it was all gone.

That was over ten years ago, and I am still learning how to live with this hand I was dealt. Over these ten years, I have found myself (once again) praying for peace… A peace that will sooth my broken heart. A peace that will let me feel hope and joy again.

As I have said several times this year, 2023 has been a rough year. Still, I have found a place… a church where I am reminded of the peace and divine within each of us. I have come to know that by reaching for the divine within me and the peace that flows from that space, I can manage this hand I have been dealt. I can survive this unexpected turn… and the next. It isn’t easy… it’s hard. Yet I know that if I want peace, joy, and hope in my life, it has to start within me.

“I wish to live a peaceful life, not swayed by the shifting winds of circumstance. I do this by remembering peace begins with me, and my world can only be as peaceful as I am.” ~ Daily Word, June 9, 2023

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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Walking Through the Valley

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside the still waters,
He restores my soul.
He leads me in the path of righteousness for His name’s sake.
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for He is with me; His rod and His staff, they comfort me.
He prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies; He anoints my head with oil; my cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
~ Psalm 23

I wrote about this verse a couple of years ago. I wrote about how I had memorized it way back in third grade. It’s funny but to my little 8-year-old head, I pictured all these things as concrete actions… like something in a fairy tale – as if all those things would really happen if God was to give me any comfort.

At the time, our teacher, Mrs. Ezell, kept telling us the importance of memorizing scripture. “There may come a day when you do not have a Bible readily available. You never know what you will have to go through as you get older. Having these verses in your mind will allow you to recall them as you need them.” Boy! She was spot on!

So many times in my adult life, I have clung to this passage and the promises it holds for dear life. Promises of a God who loves me enough to provide and care for me even when I can’t (or won’t) do it for myself. Promises of a love so deep and so complete, that I know where to find refuge in times of stress and anxiety.

For example, after 20 years, when I finally made the decision to leave the chaos and violence of my first marriage, this verse became my lifeline. For three years, my kids and I endured threats, games and nonsense from my ex-husband until our divorce was final. Even though we had already endured years of this, the time between leaving and the divorce felt like one attack after another without any time to breathe. This created high anxiety and required constant vigilance on all our parts.

However, most nights, as I crawled into bed, I found myself calling on the promises in this verse… And each time, my anxiety level went down. Knowing God loved us all and had my back made all the difference in the world. Was it still hard? Of course! Were we still vigilant? Definitely! It was the worry and anxiety that was relieved… And that gave us back the ability to think clearly as we moved on with our lives.

Fast forward several years to Bruce’s death… This event caught me completely unaware and by surprise. I would never in a million years have guessed this man (who was such a health fanatic) would die so early. I was in complete shock, and the pain literally took my breath away. The world continued to move around me, but I functioned as in a dream. I was going through the motions but with no context or understanding… I couldn’t think at all.

Even this passage which had carried me through so many traumatic events before did not come to my mind for a very long time. In fact, when people suggested I read the Psalms for comfort, I would flip through the pages, but I found nothing there.

I was too lost in my loneliness to find comfort anywhere… I was so angry with God in the beginning… How could I trust Him? How could I believe He had my best interest at heart? Simply put – I didn’t.

It was at least a year, before I could start to open my heart up again to anything spiritual. It started off slow… small steps. It started with music, then small snippets of verses. Over time, I found myself crawling out of the darkness on my hands and knees, and looking for the God who said he loved me… The God who said he would never abandon me…

Then, this verse came back to my mind, and once again, it became my mantra. I was definitely passing through “the valley of the shadow of death,” but learning to “fear no evil” was still a bit hard. Instead, I had to focus on “lying beside still waters,” as I waited for God to “restore my soul.”

It has taken a long time, and I still have days where I struggle. (Don’t we all?) But in my heart, I have come to trust that God is beside me – still loving me and caring for me… Because when I am grieving, I can not do these things for myself… It is too hard. I know I can’t do it alone, but I can do it with God. I don’t believe that means I can’t cry or feel sad. For me, it means God is there beside me… I simply have to make the choice to look for him.

Look up, my child.
I am here…
Don’t look down,
I am not there.
Keep your eyes on me.
Don’t let the clouds block your view.
Look beyond them…
The blue sky is always there,
Even behind the clouds.
Stop focusing on the clouds.
Focus on the sky…
Focus on Me.
Keep Me in your view.
I am here guiding you…
Loving you… always.
~ Linda, September 2015

They say there are certain lessons in life we must learn. If we don’t learn from them the first time, we are destined to go through similar circumstances over and over until we do. For me, I have come to believe that lesson is learning to trust God. That is a hard one for me. I know he has been by my side and seen me through every time.

Yet, there are still times when I struggle. These past couple of weeks with this pandemic has been crazy… Trying to find the balance between being prepared for whatever may come and not panicking or over-doing is hard. Trying to work from home while teaching and entertaining a ten year old boy definitely has its challenges. I would give anything for Bruce’s quiet confidence in all this – to feel his arms around me at night when the darkness brings its own questions and anxieties.

This morning as I started thinking about what to write today, I found myself sinking lower and lower… The grief mixed with all that is unknown right now, started to get to me. In fact, I almost decided not to write at all today (a first) because I didn’t want to think about Bruce. I didn’t want to be reminded of his absence on top of everything else we are dealing with.

Then a couple of things dawned on me… I have been doing exactly what I did when Bruce died – staying busy. So busy, in fact, that I go from the minute I wake up until I fall into my bed at night – to exhausted to move. All of this in an effort to not think about dealing with all of this (without him).

The other thing I remembered was this verse. Suddenly, I couldn’t get it out of my head…

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for He is with me; His rod and His staff, they comfort me. He prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies.”

Honestly, we are all walking through the valley right now. What we need to do is breath… and trust. Does that mean everything will be over just like that? That no one who is praying or believes will get sick? No, God doesno’t make that promise… He just promises to be with us… Walking beside us and feeding our souls.

So, for now, my prayer will be, “God you know what this is… It is in your hands… We are walking in the valley and I am calling on you for comfort. Please show me, my trust in you is good and right… I know this is my lesson… I know this is my struggle… Help me to trust you… Help me to ‘lie down in green pastures’ and ‘beside still waters’… And, please, restore my soul.”

Everyone deals with loss, grief and life in their own way. We all find answers and comfort in various sources. That is what makes us all unique and different. Admittedly, I usually steer away from religion when I write. I don’t want anyone to think I am trying to preach… That is not my goal here. My only goal today has been to share a poem which has helped me on numerous occasions. It is a source of strength for me.

Do you have something that provides that sense of calmness in the storm? If so, would you share it with us? There may be someone out there who needs to hear exactly what you have to say…

If you are struggling with grief, loss, loneliness, please know you are not alone – We are here. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… That Peace Thing…

“While you are proclaiming peace with your lips, be careful to have it even more fully in your heart.” ~ St. Francis of Assisi

Peace… One syllable, and yet one of those things most of us strive to accomplish… Shoot, even the nations of our world struggle with this one… And so, do I…

Bruce always made it look so simple. He always seemed to be at peace with whatever was going on… Well, maybe not always. There were a few times I can remember when life seemed to catch up to him, as well. However no matter what, he always managed to quickly draw that peaceful demeanor back… A skill and attitude I still greatly admire.

In December, I decided to make that my goal – to maintain peace in my life – my attitudes and my demeanor. To help, I have a book that I am working my way through, and it has really helped… until the past couple of weeks. Why? Because I dropped the ball.

Things were going so well, until I got lazy… I stopped making this a daily goal. And now I must confess – as life has happened over the past couple of weeks, I have not been so good about maintaining peace in my heart.

While I was working through the book, I learned to let things go, especially those things that aren’t “mine” in the first place. I had stopped taking things people said personally. I even managed to apply this “peace thing” to my grief. I know it is how I not only made it through the holidays, I was actually happy… In fact, I can even say I enjoyed the season.

But the last few weeks, as I have focused less and less on maintaining that peace I so greatly admired in Bruce, I have found myself slipping back into old habits… And I don’t like it.

“Peace does not dwell in outward things, but in the heart prepared to wait trustfully and quietly on Him who has all things safely in his hands.” ~ Elisabeth Elliot

At first, it was little things – things people said (or didn’t say) … things they did (or didn’t do). (Are you seeing a pattern here?) I was getting really good at blaming others for my attitude and feeling sorry for myself – something I haven’t done in a very long time. But there I was thinking about everyone else’s behavior and expecting them to change. It was very similar to when Bruce first died. I was so caught up in my own sadness and grief that I couldn’t see past it. It was a self-pitying, all-about-me attitude.

But that is no way to go through life, and it all seemed to come to a head this weekend.

On Friday, someone at work made an unkind comment which I normally would have ignored. I know hurting people hurt people. I know that just because someone says something about me doesn’t make it true. I know it says more about them, than it does about me. But I wouldn’t let it go. I held onto it all day… Then, I posted about it on Facebook (because that’s such a great idea – please note the sarcasm). My friends were very kind, but seriously – what a pity party! On Saturday, I deleted that post immediately – I was so frustrated that I had allowed myself to go down that road.

I wish I could say that was it… I wish I had immediately realized the path I was on versus the path I want to be on, but I didn’t. That didn’t happen until today…

As I sat in church this morning and listened to the pastor talk about “peacemakers,” I began to realize what has been missing in my life over the last few weeks – It was “that peace thing.” It was remembering that…

“We are the bearers of peace by staying peaceful ourselves.” ~ Unknown

This afternoon, I have pulled my book back out from under the stack of books by my bed. I have been reading through the things I had written and underlined. I could be upset with myself… But, then again, that wouldn’t be very peaceful, would it? Instead, I know I need to take a deep breath, let go of what I can’t change, and change the one thing I can – me… and my attitude.

Years ago, grief created a perfect storm in which I became very comfortable at feeling sorry for myself. And while that grew tiresome (even for me), habits can be hard to change – although not impossible. However, it definitely takes consistent focus on the right things.

I am so blessed to have people around me who love me enough and feel comfortable enough to tell me when I am straying in the wrong direction. I am also blessed to have lived side by side with someone who lived a life filled with peace. Bruce may be gone, but his legacy is not… His influence is real, and it is huge…

And with the memory of our love in my heart, I know I can do this… I can pick up where I left off and fill my life with “that peace thing” once again.

“There is a peace that comes with acceptance, and a love that is always remembered.” ~ Linda, September 2013

What about you? Do you ever struggle to keep peace in your heart? Have you ever found yourself on that path of self-pity and had to work at letting it go? Is that something you still struggle with? It can be hard to admit, but it is even harder to bear alone. We are part of a club, we never wanted to join. Yet, here we are… Let’s reach out to one another and share our stories. Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Finding Peace After the Anger

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” ~ Psalm 147:3

The other day as I dropped off my grandson for school, I started thinking about my own rides to school as a child…

Back then, we lived way out in the country with a one-hour bus ride to school (and that was if the bridges weren’t open for the boat traffic). While I prefer to think about those “happy laughter” or “sweet sentimental” memories, one of my most distinct memories of those endless bus rides was actually one of anger… or to be more blunt – pure rage.

I was about six years old, and it was on the bus ride home. I had saved the seat next to me for my sister. (After all, I was a first grader who idolized her big sister. Where else would she want to sit except by me? Right?) Now, keep a few things in mind, I was a bit timid as a child… I was that kid who hid behind my mother’s skirts when she tried to introduce me to new people. And at my first piano recital, I refused to play until my sister came and sat on the bench next to me, blocking the audience from my sight.

That day, as I waited with my hand on the seat next to me to save it, a high school girl I didn’t know (and was sure I wouldn’t like), moved my hand and sat down anyway. I remember feeling instantly indignant. “I’m saving that seat for my sister,” I told her.

“Your sister’s already sitting in the back,” she said. “… With her friends,” she added as she looked the other way. I remember standing up and looking back. Sure enough. there was my sister laughing and talking with her friends. I was instantly so incredibly angry. I looked at the girl next to me who smiled, and got even angrier… And then, I did it… I bit her forearm… Actually, it was more than a bite… I latched on and refused to let go until she had to get off the bus about 30 minutes later!

That poor girl! If I were her, I would have labeled me a brat and hated me. I definitely would not want to ever sit next to me again.

But that is not what happened… Not even close. Instead, she not only sat with me day after day, I remember her going out of her way to be kind to me. I remember her saving me a seat when she got there first, and on other occasions, asking about my day or whatever I brought for show and tell. I remember her sitting with me and making those long bus rides fun… And through those long, endless rides, as she listened to me or made me giggle, I began to feel valued… and I learned to love her. Funny, I can’t remember her name now, but I will always remember the impact she had on me that year.

So why am I sharing this story here?

Because as I reminisced, I started thinking about the only other time I remember feeling abandoned, helpless, and filled with rage at something I couldn’t change… And that was when Bruce died. It was that same feeling I had when I looked at the back of the bus and realized my dreams for this journey weren’t going to happen.

While I denied it at the time, I was so absolutely angry with God. I begged, I cried, I cursed, I shook my fists, and eventually, I just decided to turn my back on him, since it felt like he had already turned his back on me.

I was done! … Or was I?

As time passed, and I started working on healing and on myself, I found that my faith was too much a part of me to ignore or abandon. But, I also realized that my faith wasn’t really my own… All those years it was really just a carbon copy of what I had been told… In other words, it wasn’t my faith or beliefs at all. It was like it belonged to someone else, and I had just picked it up and put it in my pocket.

I remember dreaming about Bruce one night when I was still so angry. In the dream, Bruce was telling me that God was real, but he wasn’t the God I thought he was… He told me God wasn’t a God of anger and judgement. Instead, he was a God of love and compassion. In my dream I was so doubtful, and that is how I woke up… But what I knew was I needed to figure out for myself what I believed… Then, maybe I could let go of the anger… And if I could let go of the anger, maybe – just maybe – I could start to heal.

I would love to say, it was an overnight transformation, but it wasn’t… not even close. It has taken years… Years of starting from a clean slate and figuring things out from scratch… Years of making my own discoveries and building my own faith… Years of learning to be comfortable when my idea of God and faith doesn’t match up with the mainstream “church.”

But through those years, I have learned a lot. My faith is my own… I don’t need to explain it or rationalize it to anyone… And the best part has been the peace I have acquired…

Like the high school girl, who chose to be patient with me and show me love and friendship and ultimately made me feel valued and loved, God never turned his back on me… Instead, he waited. He let me rant, and he loved me anyway… His shoulders were big enough to handle my rage and my doubts… And instead of punishing me (as I had been taught to believe), he waited patiently as I figured things out for myself.

I still miss Bruce. I still cry when I let myself think about him too much. BUT the anger and rage are no longer there… Instead, there is a peace that comes from within… A peace in knowing that he is still beside me… A peace in knowing that my faith is one built on what I know, and not what someone else has told me. And while I may not understand or like what has happened, I know God didn’t cause it, and he doesn’t like it either… And I am not alone… He hurts when I hurt… And I believe…

“There is a peace that comes with acceptance, and a love that is always remembered.” ~ Linda, September 2013

What about you? Did you experience that anger and rage after you lost your loved one? Do you still struggle with those emotions? Finding our way out of those emotions is going to be different for each of us. How do you deal with it? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you!

Peace, Love and Grief… A Time to Grieve

… a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance…
~ Ecclesiastes 3:4

At the beginning of this journey, I felt like I cried all the time… I can’t even begin to explain how deep the pain went. I remember people talking about my “emotional pain,” but I can tell you my heart hurt… I mean literally, physically hurt. In fact, it hurt so badly I thought I would definitely die of a broken heart… and I missed Bruce so much, I was okay with that…

But I didn’t die…

Instead, I had to learn how to keep going… how to keep living. As time passed, I learned to “handle” my grief (so to speak). Since most of the world seemed uncomfortable with it, I got better at keeping my grief to myself… I’m still not perfect at keeping it to myself. (I definitely have my off days.) But for the most part, I manage to keep it private… (With the exception of what I choose to share here, of course.)

After a year or so, I learned the best way to keep it under control was to allow myself some “grieving time” each day. It didn’t have to be a lot of time, or a certain amount of time, or at a certain time, but each day I knew I would allow myself some time to open my heart and let the feelings come.

Some days that meant remembering happier days filled with laughter, which could leave me smiling, or crying of loneliness from losing a part of my soul. Some days it meant putting on “our song,” closing my eyes and dancing with Bruce again (even if it was only in my mind). There were times when I simply sat on the floor in the middle of our home, looking at our space surrounding me and questioning why he left me here alone and crying… And other times, I would write in my journal for hours telling Bruce about all the things he was missing… and how much I was missing him… how much I was missing us.

Through the years, I still find this time to be important for my own sanity. There are still days when I miss him so much and it takes everything in me to just get out of the bed, but allowing myself some time to honestly feel what I feel even for just a little while, makes a huge difference.

I don’t know if it is the time of year or just life itself, but things have gotten busier and busier lately. This week, for example, has been absolutely crazy! My work days were longer than normal – much longer – which meant finding time for myself did not happen… And I could feel it.

By the end of the week, I had not managed any time to grieve… no time to sit and remember… no time to let myself feel and release those feelings… no time to let go… and find peace.

There are some people in my life who might think that is good. It is best to stop dwelling on it… But it was not good… Not for me. Instead, I found myself feeling anxious and overwhelmed… crying over things that weren’t worth tears and wondering why I am still here. That is not a good place to be and it is not where I like to live my life. And to be honest, I don’t believe that is what any of us are called to…

We are told there is “a time for everything… A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance.” But, there is no definition for the “time,” and I believe that is on purpose. For some, that time may be less or more frequent than for others. But that time – that space – is important for all of us at some point in our lives. For me, at this point, I still need it… and that’s really okay.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t need to cry all day, and I don’t necessarily cry every day. What I do need is just a little bit of time each day to sit quietly and think… and remember. I need time to be thankful for what was… and to not only accept what is, but to embrace it and be thankful for what is ahead… That isn’t an easy space to find, but when I allow myself the time, I can usually get there…

There is a peace that comes with acceptance
And a love that is always remembered.
~ Linda, September 2013

For most of us, the grief journey is a hard one. Learning to navigate the path is different for everyone. I am simply sharing what works for me in the hope that someone else who needs it might find the strength they need, as well. Does any of this sound familiar? Do you take time to grieve? I know that can look different for different people. What about you?

If you need a hand, let us know… we are here for you. If you have found a positive way through this, would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… The tiger in a cage

I am learning.
Healing is finding peace within myself…
Not trying to draw it in from others…
Linda, Septermber 15, 2013

Grief is one of those things that people try to understand while at the same time trying to avoid the experience. I remember being told to “give it time.” In time, my “heart would heal.” However, some people (and books) were actually daring enough to admit that the pain would never completely heal… I remember reading that it would be more like a scar that still caused a dull ache every now and then.

Perhaps both of those experiences are true for some people – however, not for me. After three years, I can say without a doubt, it still hurts… a lot! For me, grief is more like a caged tiger… You may think you have it under control, but you must check the strength of the bars daily just to be safe.

Soon after Bruce passed away, I started tracking my dreams in my journal. I have always believed that our dreams subconsciously tell us a lot about what we are really thinking and feeling. They are our mind’s way of processing our life and emotions. Writing and tracking my dreams has allowed me to acknowledge and deal with a lot of emotions throughout this journey. I wrote about one of those dreams on the morning of January 24, 2013, just two weeks after Bruce’s death.

I don’t think I can survive this. Everyone says I’m doing great, I’m gonna be okay, I’m strong… but I don’t think so. This is more than I can bear. My heart is in pieces. I can’t even breathe and to move feels like a huge chore… This pain is too intense. No wonder some people die of a broken heart. Survival is such a struggle right now… You were my whole world… and now my world is gone.

I woke up last night about 11:30, and the song, The Hurt and the Healer, was playing. (I’ve never heard it before.) Before I woke up, I was dreaming I was on a playground, curled up in one of those baby swings. My guardian angel was pushing the swing and gently coaxing me to climb out. Then, he started singing that song, and I woke up… I think that dream and that song were sent to me for comfort…

This dream was all about my “tiger”… But I don’t believe it was “in its cage” yet. I was only a few weeks into this journey – I was still numb and raw and struggling for air. This was the dream of a woman who wanted to quit… But my life has become a testament of that same woman who has refused to quit.

As I said, for me, grief is like a tiger in a cage. One must learn to live with that tiger because ignoring it is denial and that holds a different set of dangers. Instead, one must learn to be courageous, and acknowledge it. However, never think the tiger has become tame enough for you to simply leave the door open or to go into the cage and sit peacefully beside it. No, it will always be dangerous… It will still devour you if you allow the opportunity.

In the last year, I have learned to decide my attitude before the day begins. I have learned to keep my tiger in its cage by starting the day with gratitude before my feet ever hit the floor. I have learned to be very careful about the first things I “feed” my mind in the morning. I stay away from email, Facebook, the news, or anything that might move my thoughts in a negative direction before I have had time to remember the blessings still surrounding me.

Before I started this practice and on the days I forget, it is like opening that tiger’s cage. It is dangerous territory. There is a saying that the things we focus on, expand. So for me, when the negative stuff is the first thing in, my mind starts to focus on that. Soon that focus turns to my grief and pain… And before I know it, the pain has expanded and takes over my day (or several days).

The other thing I must remember is that I will impact every person I encounter in a day… So my first choice of the day will not only impact me, it will impact everyone I meet, as well. It is up to me to decide if that impact will be a positive or a negative one.

I know that my grief and my pain were never my choice… That is my “tiger.” However, how I deal with it, my attitude and my daily outlook IS my choice. So, whether I choose to let that tiger loose or place it safely in its cage, is up to me.

I am responsible daily for choosing my attitude… And that attitude will determine the impact I have on the world around me.

I don’t always make the right choice… Some days I open up that cage, walk right in and sit for a while. But as time goes on, I am spending less and less time in that cage…

And that is my choice.

Do you have a story to share? A story about coming to terms with your grief? A story of your own tiger and how you handle it?

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