Tag: his legacy

Peace, Love and Grief… Things You Taught Me, Part 2

As I mentioned last week, I went on a spiritual retreat a couple of weeks ago on the coast of Georgia. That week of quiet and deep self-reflection was such a blessing… I think the last time I felt so much healing in my soul was when Bruce was here… When he was such a vibrant part of my life… As I stated, I hope you will continue to humor me as I share a little bit more of what I experienced there and the impact it has had on my grief for Bruce and my on-going journey…

To give you a little bit of background, while I was baptized in the Methodist church as an infant, I actually spent my childhood and teen years in the Southern Baptist church and most of my adult life as a Roman Catholic. My experience in both was mostly one of religious rules and exclusivity… a “believe or burn” mentality. My experience was one of fear and distrust, but I didn’t know there was anything else out there. I knew I wasn’t perfect, but I thought I was doing okay… That is until Bruce died.

Then, I found I had a religion that couldn’t stand up to my questions… My world fell apart… How could a God who loved me, give this wonderful gift of a man and then just as quickly take it away? Why?

I wasn’t equipped with any real answers to that question, and so I become angry… very angry. My orderly world no longer made sense… The “Sunday School” answers weren’t enough… And I struggled. However, on this end of the story, I can tell you, that is a good thing, because I was forced to look at my faith and determine what I really believed, versus what I had been told to believe. It took me a long time, but day by day, I reassembled my faith from the ground up.

The funny thing is Bruce would never have told me what to believe or not believe. Instead, the way he chose to live his life and the legacy he left behind is really what helped me more than anything I had learned in my fifty years of religious practices. While Bruce’s death is probably the worst thing I have ever had to endure, it is also the thing that forced me down this path.

Last week I talked bout a dream I had early in this grief journey, in which Bruce told me that God is nothing like the God I had been taught to believe in all those years. God is so much more… But I still had so many unanswered questions…

Day 2 Reflections:
Hi Babe,

Wow! My mind is BLOWN! I swear it feels as if the speakers here have peered into my head and found all the crap… All the stuff that has been an obstacle with my faith… and now they say, “Nope, that really is crap… Let it go!” To take away the hierarchy of the trinity and temper all their qualities with love is what I have dreamed of… what I have needed… what you always lived… But I never knew how to articulate it.

When you died, I was so absolutely angry with God! Why didn’t he use his “power” to save you? Why did I have to be the one to fail at your CPR? What was the wisdom in that?

All my life I knew I had made mistakes, but I had asked for forgiveness – no! I had said I was sorry… I had never asked for forgiveness. I thought forgiveness had to come by proving how sorry I was. By proving I was worthy of it – by being devout enough… But I was told that God couldn’t love me or forgive me, because I didn’t understand “my place” … My lifestyle wasn’t “Christian enough.”

So, I learned to be quiet… Then, I stopped praying… Then, I stopped listening… Then, you died, Babe… And I was alone… all alone, and oh, so mad. There was nothing to love about God; nothing to trust. That is until you started me on my true spiritual journey, which has led me here… to this day and this class.

I feel so validated! I wanted to jump up in class this today and shout, “Did you hear this?! This is the good news! This is the most wondrous and exciting thing I have ever heard and understood!” The idea of the trinity – NO! The reality of the trinity being a balance of male/female, power, wisdom, goodness, and truth – all tempered in love… in all parts of the trinity in all things at all times is beyond my wildest thoughts!

This means I am in God (at all times), and God is in me (at all times), and God is in everything and every moment (at ALL times).

Do you realize what this also means???

God was with us, Babe, the night you died… God was in my tears and my horror as I watched you die in my arms. And God was in my anger… He held me when I railed against him and loved me when I cursed him. He held me tight when I begged him to take me too… But the problem wasn’t him… or me. It was my understanding of a gap between us that I couldn’t cross, and I felt like he refused to try… What a horrible thought. No wonder I was so angry.

And now, today, to realize there is no such gap… “There is no reality that is separate from what He created” ** … and “All shall be well, and All shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.” *** This makes me feel hope.

I still grieve for you, Babe. I still don’t understand – but I trust God does care and loves me… Not only that, but more… Those are still “separation” thoughts. There is no separation – He is in me – experiencing all I have and will experience, just as much as He is in each tree and blade of grass. We are all his creation – we are all Him… We are all enfolded in his love and goodness, protected by his power and led by his wisdom.

What great news! Thank you, Babe for leading me here!

The healing that came in these days is amazing and powerful, as I came to realize so much of what Bruce had been trying to tell me all along. There was so much he showed me while he was here. Yet, it wasn’t until after his death that I finally “heard” him. He left a legacy that I am still unraveling and is still influencing my life… that is a blessing I never expected or knew could exist!

What about you? Have you ever found yourself reading their books, listening to their music or the things that influenced their lives? What have you learned? This journey can be so very hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *
Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

** Roberta Bondi

*** Julian of Norwich

Peace, Love and Grief… That Peace Thing…

“While you are proclaiming peace with your lips, be careful to have it even more fully in your heart.” ~ St. Francis of Assisi

Peace… One syllable, and yet one of those things most of us strive to accomplish… Shoot, even the nations of our world struggle with this one… And so, do I…

Bruce always made it look so simple. He always seemed to be at peace with whatever was going on… Well, maybe not always. There were a few times I can remember when life seemed to catch up to him, as well. However no matter what, he always managed to quickly draw that peaceful demeanor back… A skill and attitude I still greatly admire.

In December, I decided to make that my goal – to maintain peace in my life – my attitudes and my demeanor. To help, I have a book that I am working my way through, and it has really helped… until the past couple of weeks. Why? Because I dropped the ball.

Things were going so well, until I got lazy… I stopped making this a daily goal. And now I must confess – as life has happened over the past couple of weeks, I have not been so good about maintaining peace in my heart.

While I was working through the book, I learned to let things go, especially those things that aren’t “mine” in the first place. I had stopped taking things people said personally. I even managed to apply this “peace thing” to my grief. I know it is how I not only made it through the holidays, I was actually happy… In fact, I can even say I enjoyed the season.

But the last few weeks, as I have focused less and less on maintaining that peace I so greatly admired in Bruce, I have found myself slipping back into old habits… And I don’t like it.

“Peace does not dwell in outward things, but in the heart prepared to wait trustfully and quietly on Him who has all things safely in his hands.” ~ Elisabeth Elliot

At first, it was little things – things people said (or didn’t say) … things they did (or didn’t do). (Are you seeing a pattern here?) I was getting really good at blaming others for my attitude and feeling sorry for myself – something I haven’t done in a very long time. But there I was thinking about everyone else’s behavior and expecting them to change. It was very similar to when Bruce first died. I was so caught up in my own sadness and grief that I couldn’t see past it. It was a self-pitying, all-about-me attitude.

But that is no way to go through life, and it all seemed to come to a head this weekend.

On Friday, someone at work made an unkind comment which I normally would have ignored. I know hurting people hurt people. I know that just because someone says something about me doesn’t make it true. I know it says more about them, than it does about me. But I wouldn’t let it go. I held onto it all day… Then, I posted about it on Facebook (because that’s such a great idea – please note the sarcasm). My friends were very kind, but seriously – what a pity party! On Saturday, I deleted that post immediately – I was so frustrated that I had allowed myself to go down that road.

I wish I could say that was it… I wish I had immediately realized the path I was on versus the path I want to be on, but I didn’t. That didn’t happen until today…

As I sat in church this morning and listened to the pastor talk about “peacemakers,” I began to realize what has been missing in my life over the last few weeks – It was “that peace thing.” It was remembering that…

“We are the bearers of peace by staying peaceful ourselves.” ~ Unknown

This afternoon, I have pulled my book back out from under the stack of books by my bed. I have been reading through the things I had written and underlined. I could be upset with myself… But, then again, that wouldn’t be very peaceful, would it? Instead, I know I need to take a deep breath, let go of what I can’t change, and change the one thing I can – me… and my attitude.

Years ago, grief created a perfect storm in which I became very comfortable at feeling sorry for myself. And while that grew tiresome (even for me), habits can be hard to change – although not impossible. However, it definitely takes consistent focus on the right things.

I am so blessed to have people around me who love me enough and feel comfortable enough to tell me when I am straying in the wrong direction. I am also blessed to have lived side by side with someone who lived a life filled with peace. Bruce may be gone, but his legacy is not… His influence is real, and it is huge…

And with the memory of our love in my heart, I know I can do this… I can pick up where I left off and fill my life with “that peace thing” once again.

“There is a peace that comes with acceptance, and a love that is always remembered.” ~ Linda, September 2013

What about you? Do you ever struggle to keep peace in your heart? Have you ever found yourself on that path of self-pity and had to work at letting it go? Is that something you still struggle with? It can be hard to admit, but it is even harder to bear alone. We are part of a club, we never wanted to join. Yet, here we are… Let’s reach out to one another and share our stories. Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.