Grief is not my identity. It’s not who I am although sometimes I have to remind myself of that. When I see a loving couple or when “our song” comes on the radio, it is triggering. Then, it can be so easy to feel like grief is who I am. At the same time, I know who I am, and “grief” is not who I am… nor is it how I live my day-to-day life. However, grief is how I have responded to this hand I was dealt.
While in the darkest days of my first marriage, I used to pray for peace. I can remember sitting on the back porch after the kids had gone to bed. I couldn’t understand why my (now) ex-husband treated the kids and I the way he did. Why couldn’t he love me? Why couldn’t he love us? Maybe he did somewhere deep down, but his actions towards us were not those of love. There was no peace in our house when he was there. We all walked on eggshells waiting for the next tirade or burst of anger. After many years, I realized that if I wanted peace for the kids and I, it was up to me to do something about it. I knew we needed to leave… and we did with nothing but the clothes on our backs initially. (On a side note, the anniversary of that day was just this past week.)
It still took three long years of games and manipulation on his part for the divorce to be final. Yet, when it was, there was a sense of peace and calm in our little family that felt amazing. I didn’t want anything to mess that up. I wasn’t willing to take a chance on that happening again.
In fact, when Bruce and I met, I made my feelings very clear, as did he… But life takes unexpected turns…
My mother had been praying for me to meet someone to love me… Someone to really and truly love me… Bruce was that man. Even though we had both been hurt deeply before… even though we were both hesitant and scared… We both knew the love we felt was real and couldn’t be denied. So, despite the fact that we had both sworn we would never do it again… We got married.
What a marriage! Sure, we had our difficult moments – that’s life. Be that as it may, even in the midst of those difficult times, we were both confident in the love we shared. Those years together showed me (and my kids) what real, unconditional love is and what a healthy marriage looks like. This hand that life had dealt us was amazing! … But life takes unexpected turns.
In the wee hours one January morning, I woke up to Bruce dying. There was no time to think. I called 911. I performed CPR… but it was all in vain. Despite all efforts to save him, Bruce died… and a huge part of me died with him. Was this really the hand life was dealing for us now?
I had prayed for peace, and I had lived in peace. Then Bruce came along, and love was added to our world… but life takes unexpected turns, and now all of that was gone. Just like that… In the blink of an eye, it was all gone.
That was over ten years ago, and I am still learning how to live with this hand I was dealt. Over these ten years, I have found myself (once again) praying for peace… A peace that will sooth my broken heart. A peace that will let me feel hope and joy again.
As I have said several times this year, 2023 has been a rough year. Still, I have found a place… a church where I am reminded of the peace and divine within each of us. I have come to know that by reaching for the divine within me and the peace that flows from that space, I can manage this hand I have been dealt. I can survive this unexpected turn… and the next. It isn’t easy… it’s hard. Yet I know that if I want peace, joy, and hope in my life, it has to start within me.
“I wish to live a peaceful life, not swayed by the shifting winds of circumstance. I do this by remembering peace begins with me, and my world can only be as peaceful as I am.” ~ Daily Word, June 9, 2023
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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