Tag: anger

Peace, Love, and Grief – Grief and Anger

This week I started watching the series Breaking Bad on Netflix. (So far, despite the violence, I have found it quite interesting.) In the episode I watched last night, the family is having a meeting to try to convince the main character to pursue radical, “live saving” medical treatment, which he is not inclined to do.

As I sat there watching, I found myself understanding both sides of the argument. I have been the person with cancer, and I have been the family of someone who decided not to pursue that “lifesaving” treatment. It was weird, because suddenly I was feeling the emotions from both sides… and that was quite contradictory.

Let me back up quite a bit to explain…

Well before Bruce and I ever left MI, he had watched both his mother and his sister go through the ravages of cancer treatments. It was heartbreaking to watch the tears form in his eyes whenever he spoke about it. I even remember one conversation where we both stated that we weren’t so sure either of us would do that… Was it worth it? … The life-style changes? The health issues that follow because of that “lifesaving” treatment? Was the goal to truly live your life or to simply breathe and survive?

(Here, I need to state that both of these women have left me in awe… Both underwent very radical treatments and have gone forward to live their lives with more gusto and fullness than I could ever imagine even on my healthiest of days.)

Now fast-forward to our move to Florida. Bruce had been laid-off for quite a while. Now, whether it was inactivity or the lack of a work distraction, he started noticing some health issues and made a doctor’s appointment. Since Bruce was not one to go to the doctor unless he absolutely had to, this caught my attention. I knew if he was that concerned about what he was feeling, I needed to be concerned too.

The day of his appointment came and went. A week or two later, he returned to discuss all the test results… This is where it got weird…

That evening at dinner, I asked Bruce how the appointment had gone. (Knowing how private Bruce was, I knew I needed to ask in an indirect way… Still, he had shared some of his concerns, so I felt it was okay to at least inquire.)

“Fine,” he said, never looking me in the eye. “She told me to just keep doing what I’m doing.”

“No way,” I responded, knowing that he was not the picture of healthy living at that time. “You’re lying.”

“No, I swear,” he answered, finally looking at me. “She told me to just keep doing what I’m doing.”

“So, everything is fine?”

“I guess so.”

For years, I have gone through this conversation in my head over and over. I will bet the conversation was more than likely one of… “If you aren’t going to do __________, then just keep doing what you’re doing.” I say this because so many things suddenly started happening.

For example, after more than a year of stalling, suddenly Bruce was on a mission to buy a house – someplace where “the mortgage could be managed easily on one salary”. (I can’t tell you how many times I heard that.) After we found that home, his next mission was to double his life insurance policy. There were also little hints, such as the sudden appearance of a stack of “important papers” on the kitchen counter by a man who believed in putting everything where it belonged – no stacks of papers anywhere.

But I never clued in…

Then, he died, and suddenly all these little things seemed liked clues that he knew what was coming. That new life insurance policy? … The new policy paperwork arrived for his final signature two days after he passed away. That stack of papers on the counter? … Every document I could possibly need after he died was in that stack… And list just seems to go on – so many things that suddenly made sense in the light of his death.

Much later, while packing away his things, I came across paperwork for some test on his heart… Tests dated five months prior to his death. Tests, that according to his doctor, he never completed… I couldn’t help but believe that he didn’t do them because he already knew what they would say… And it wasn’t good.

I won’t lie… I was angry… I was very angry. All I could think about was that I would do anything to be with Bruce… Why didn’t he? … It hurt so bad…

Now fast-forward about five years, and suddenly I am diagnosed with cancer… Suddenly, I am the one in the hot seat with choices to make. Initially, I decided I was not going to do the chemo/radiation thing. Then, after some research, I decided I was going to go full in – double mastectomy… take it all so I don’t have to ever worry about it again. Yet, after more research and more discussions with my healthcare team and my family, I decided to go less radical with a lumpectomy, then the chemo, radiation, and follow-up meds, as recommended.

The bottom-line, though, was… it was my choice. I did what I felt was right for me in that time and space. No, it was not anything I thought I would do years prior when Bruce and I had talked in our little MI kitchen. Nor was it what I thought I would do when first diagnosed. Instead, it was an evolution of thought that occurred over time and in the context of my life.

But it was my decision… my choice… And ever since that day, I have found myself with a very strong opinion about others (including the government) trying to make medical decisions for others. Our health is personal. Our lives are all different, with each having its own unique set of challenges and experiences.

Suddenly, I understood… Finally, I wasn’t so angry at Bruce anymore… He had made his decision. He felt that he was doing the right thing in that time and in that space… And while he chose not to share his burden with anyone, he was doing all he could to make the burden of his death a little bit easier for those of us left behind, (especially me).

As I watched the show last night and listened to each character speak about how they felt, I understood all of them… Every heartfelt statement made sense. Yet, my biggest support was for the main character, as he listened and weighed what each had to say before he explained his own thoughts and feelings on the matter.

In my heart, I was shouting, “Okay… y’all have had your say for him to consider. Now let it go… It is his choice, not yours. Like almost everything else our lives, accept that ultimately it is his choice, and learn to all be at peace with that.”

And that is where my heart is today… As I said, I lost that anger years ago when I suddenly found myself making decisions about “radical, lifesaving” healthcare. Granted, I made a different decision… that time. But who knows what my choice will be if confronted again?

Why? Because these decisions aren’t black and white… There are a lot of things to be considered. In my heart, I don’t believe that Bruce wanted to die. I do believe that he weighed the facts as he knew them and made the decision that he felt was best… I don’t like him being dead, but I respect his decision… I still grieve his death, but I am no longer angry. Instead, I am at peace knowing that he did what he felt was best… And that feels so much better in my heart.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Never Love Again

I know… Never say never. None of us knows what the future will hold or how we will respond to what lies there…

A few weeks ago, we finally got around to watching the newest “A Star is Born” movie. I never saw the first one, so I’m not making any comparisons. Instead, I will simply say, I loved this movie. However, it wasn’t until near the end that I found myself relating to the actions of the main character.

I’m not trying to ruin the movie for anyone, so if you haven’t seen it, stop here, go watch it, and then come back…

Okay… Now we should be good to continue. (LOL!)

Near the end of the movie, the main character’s partner dies. It is awful! I could relate to her emotions so completely that I found myself falling… Falling back into those early feelings of complete grief. There is a scene where she so incredibly filled with grief. And she is angry… Absolutely, completely, and utterly angry that he has died… That he has left her… And she is alone… I remember that feeling…

In this particular scene, she finally lets it out… It is raw and savage and animal-like… And I remember… She is so angry she rips his pictures and posters from the wall and smashes them all… and I remember… Then, she falls in a heap on the floor and cries until there is nothing left inside her… And I remember.

I remember all those feelings… I remember being filled with anger and trying to deny what I was feeling. I remember thinking I couldn’t give in to the anger, because that would be bad… I needed to be “good.” I needed to “grieve correctly” … “politely” … in a way that wouldn’t make anyone else feel bad. (Can I just say that is a load of crap!)

Now, at this stage of the journey, I can tell you that I needed to express that anger. I needed to center my attention on my own feelings for just a little while, and everyone else’s comfort needed to wait or move aside for just a small bit of time. For just a little while, I needed to focus on me… and my grief… and the anger I was trying to shove down further and further with each passing day.

I remember the day I reached the point of boiling over… Like the character in the movie, I completely lost it. I can remember screaming and wailing from somewhere deep inside… some place so far down, it didn’t even feel human. I remember smashing things, hitting things, cursing at God, and even yelling at Bruce. It was a level of emotion I have never felt before or since.

Finally, after there was no more strength left to express my rage, I remember falling on the floor in the middle of our home, and crying… I must have cried for hours, because by the time I had stopped, the house was dark… and still… and (finally) quiet.

I would like to say, that was all it took. I was fine after that. I picked myself up and moved on. But that isn’t what really happened. Instead, I can tell you that I did feel relief… Relief at letting go of all that emotion that had been building up for months. Relief at saying out loud all the angry, terrible things I had been too afraid to acknowledge. Relief at knowing that I could express all of that, and still know that neither God nor Bruce would hold it against me.

Instead, I honestly felt like they were there with me… consoling me. I felt like if the tables were turned, Bruce would have felt the same… And God, according to my faith, already knew what it is like to grieve… I felt like they both understood my pain, and only loved me even more for trying to find my way through it.

I will be honest… There were other nights when I cried and other moments when my anger spilled over, but all of those were minor when compared to that first one. Even now, while the anger is diminished, there are still times when I have to look for some space alone, so I can express the grief that is still there… The grief that can sometimes take me by surprise when it overwhelms my world.

This pain that is still a part of my world is why I am writing this today… It is why this movie hit so close to home, and why the lyrics of the last song resonate so deeply within me. I still love Bruce… And I don’t quite know what to do with that… even now… years later. So, instead of focusing on that, I just keep on keeping on, and trusting that his spirit is never far away… Trusting that our love is bigger than my grief… and bigger than the boundaries of this world…

“… And I want to pretend that it’s not true
Oh baby, that you’re gone
‘Cause my world keeps turning, and turning, and turning
And I’m not moving on…”

~ “Love Never Dies” written by Aaron Ratiere, Hillary Lee Lindsey, Natalie Hemby, Stefani Germanotta, A Star is Born

This grief journey can be a hard one, and it is different for everyone… I experienced a lot of anger in the beginning, but maybe you didn’t. The many ways we experience grief are as diverse as we are, and we all move through it at our own pace and in our own way… We are all different, and just doing the best we can in a world that can feel overwhelming at times. What about you? Was there an emotion that felt overwhelming in your grief? How did you handle it? Would you like to share your story or ask a question? Do you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug? Let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted.

Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Finding Peace After the Anger

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” ~ Psalm 147:3

The other day as I dropped off my grandson for school, I started thinking about my own rides to school as a child…

Back then, we lived way out in the country with a one-hour bus ride to school (and that was if the bridges weren’t open for the boat traffic). While I prefer to think about those “happy laughter” or “sweet sentimental” memories, one of my most distinct memories of those endless bus rides was actually one of anger… or to be more blunt – pure rage.

I was about six years old, and it was on the bus ride home. I had saved the seat next to me for my sister. (After all, I was a first grader who idolized her big sister. Where else would she want to sit except by me? Right?) Now, keep a few things in mind, I was a bit timid as a child… I was that kid who hid behind my mother’s skirts when she tried to introduce me to new people. And at my first piano recital, I refused to play until my sister came and sat on the bench next to me, blocking the audience from my sight.

That day, as I waited with my hand on the seat next to me to save it, a high school girl I didn’t know (and was sure I wouldn’t like), moved my hand and sat down anyway. I remember feeling instantly indignant. “I’m saving that seat for my sister,” I told her.

“Your sister’s already sitting in the back,” she said. “… With her friends,” she added as she looked the other way. I remember standing up and looking back. Sure enough. there was my sister laughing and talking with her friends. I was instantly so incredibly angry. I looked at the girl next to me who smiled, and got even angrier… And then, I did it… I bit her forearm… Actually, it was more than a bite… I latched on and refused to let go until she had to get off the bus about 30 minutes later!

That poor girl! If I were her, I would have labeled me a brat and hated me. I definitely would not want to ever sit next to me again.

But that is not what happened… Not even close. Instead, she not only sat with me day after day, I remember her going out of her way to be kind to me. I remember her saving me a seat when she got there first, and on other occasions, asking about my day or whatever I brought for show and tell. I remember her sitting with me and making those long bus rides fun… And through those long, endless rides, as she listened to me or made me giggle, I began to feel valued… and I learned to love her. Funny, I can’t remember her name now, but I will always remember the impact she had on me that year.

So why am I sharing this story here?

Because as I reminisced, I started thinking about the only other time I remember feeling abandoned, helpless, and filled with rage at something I couldn’t change… And that was when Bruce died. It was that same feeling I had when I looked at the back of the bus and realized my dreams for this journey weren’t going to happen.

While I denied it at the time, I was so absolutely angry with God. I begged, I cried, I cursed, I shook my fists, and eventually, I just decided to turn my back on him, since it felt like he had already turned his back on me.

I was done! … Or was I?

As time passed, and I started working on healing and on myself, I found that my faith was too much a part of me to ignore or abandon. But, I also realized that my faith wasn’t really my own… All those years it was really just a carbon copy of what I had been told… In other words, it wasn’t my faith or beliefs at all. It was like it belonged to someone else, and I had just picked it up and put it in my pocket.

I remember dreaming about Bruce one night when I was still so angry. In the dream, Bruce was telling me that God was real, but he wasn’t the God I thought he was… He told me God wasn’t a God of anger and judgement. Instead, he was a God of love and compassion. In my dream I was so doubtful, and that is how I woke up… But what I knew was I needed to figure out for myself what I believed… Then, maybe I could let go of the anger… And if I could let go of the anger, maybe – just maybe – I could start to heal.

I would love to say, it was an overnight transformation, but it wasn’t… not even close. It has taken years… Years of starting from a clean slate and figuring things out from scratch… Years of making my own discoveries and building my own faith… Years of learning to be comfortable when my idea of God and faith doesn’t match up with the mainstream “church.”

But through those years, I have learned a lot. My faith is my own… I don’t need to explain it or rationalize it to anyone… And the best part has been the peace I have acquired…

Like the high school girl, who chose to be patient with me and show me love and friendship and ultimately made me feel valued and loved, God never turned his back on me… Instead, he waited. He let me rant, and he loved me anyway… His shoulders were big enough to handle my rage and my doubts… And instead of punishing me (as I had been taught to believe), he waited patiently as I figured things out for myself.

I still miss Bruce. I still cry when I let myself think about him too much. BUT the anger and rage are no longer there… Instead, there is a peace that comes from within… A peace in knowing that he is still beside me… A peace in knowing that my faith is one built on what I know, and not what someone else has told me. And while I may not understand or like what has happened, I know God didn’t cause it, and he doesn’t like it either… And I am not alone… He hurts when I hurt… And I believe…

“There is a peace that comes with acceptance, and a love that is always remembered.” ~ Linda, September 2013

What about you? Did you experience that anger and rage after you lost your loved one? Do you still struggle with those emotions? Finding our way out of those emotions is going to be different for each of us. How do you deal with it? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you!