… a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance…
~ Ecclesiastes 3:4
At the beginning of this journey, I felt like I cried all the time… I can’t even begin to explain how deep the pain went. I remember people talking about my “emotional pain,” but I can tell you my heart hurt… I mean literally, physically hurt. In fact, it hurt so badly I thought I would definitely die of a broken heart… and I missed Bruce so much, I was okay with that…
But I didn’t die…
Instead, I had to learn how to keep going… how to keep living. As time passed, I learned to “handle” my grief (so to speak). Since most of the world seemed uncomfortable with it, I got better at keeping my grief to myself… I’m still not perfect at keeping it to myself. (I definitely have my off days.) But for the most part, I manage to keep it private… (With the exception of what I choose to share here, of course.)
After a year or so, I learned the best way to keep it under control was to allow myself some “grieving time” each day. It didn’t have to be a lot of time, or a certain amount of time, or at a certain time, but each day I knew I would allow myself some time to open my heart and let the feelings come.
Some days that meant remembering happier days filled with laughter, which could leave me smiling, or crying of loneliness from losing a part of my soul. Some days it meant putting on “our song,” closing my eyes and dancing with Bruce again (even if it was only in my mind). There were times when I simply sat on the floor in the middle of our home, looking at our space surrounding me and questioning why he left me here alone and crying… And other times, I would write in my journal for hours telling Bruce about all the things he was missing… and how much I was missing him… how much I was missing us.
Through the years, I still find this time to be important for my own sanity. There are still days when I miss him so much and it takes everything in me to just get out of the bed, but allowing myself some time to honestly feel what I feel even for just a little while, makes a huge difference.
I don’t know if it is the time of year or just life itself, but things have gotten busier and busier lately. This week, for example, has been absolutely crazy! My work days were longer than normal – much longer – which meant finding time for myself did not happen… And I could feel it.
By the end of the week, I had not managed any time to grieve… no time to sit and remember… no time to let myself feel and release those feelings… no time to let go… and find peace.
There are some people in my life who might think that is good. It is best to stop dwelling on it… But it was not good… Not for me. Instead, I found myself feeling anxious and overwhelmed… crying over things that weren’t worth tears and wondering why I am still here. That is not a good place to be and it is not where I like to live my life. And to be honest, I don’t believe that is what any of us are called to…
We are told there is “a time for everything… A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance.” But, there is no definition for the “time,” and I believe that is on purpose. For some, that time may be less or more frequent than for others. But that time – that space – is important for all of us at some point in our lives. For me, at this point, I still need it… and that’s really okay.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t need to cry all day, and I don’t necessarily cry every day. What I do need is just a little bit of time each day to sit quietly and think… and remember. I need time to be thankful for what was… and to not only accept what is, but to embrace it and be thankful for what is ahead… That isn’t an easy space to find, but when I allow myself the time, I can usually get there…
There is a peace that comes with acceptance
And a love that is always remembered.
~ Linda, September 2013
For most of us, the grief journey is a hard one. Learning to navigate the path is different for everyone. I am simply sharing what works for me in the hope that someone else who needs it might find the strength they need, as well. Does any of this sound familiar? Do you take time to grieve? I know that can look different for different people. What about you?
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