His Love
A love that is pure
A love that sees who you can be,
Not who you are in that moment.
A love with no strings attached;
No conditions, no rules…
Just a love that is,
From a man who embodied love…
pure, complete love.
~ Linda, November 24, 2013
Father’s Day… hmmm – Interesting day. Let me start by saying that today’s blog is not really about grief. Instead it is filled with memories… it is a tribute to the man who became the father of my children. I am not talking about genetics or biology. I am talking about the man who loved my kids unconditionally – no judgement, no preconceived ideas or expectations – nothing but love. I am referring to Bruce… the man who came in to our lives for such a short time and changed everything we thought we knew about families and fathers.
However, to understand his impact, let me back up and explain a little bit here…
When I left my children’s biological father, my intent was to get my children out of a disfunctional and unsafe home. I just wanted to see them safe and protected. The court psychologist agreed and recommended no visitation for my ex-husband – not even supervised visitation. His recommendation was no parental rights (period).
When it came down to the final paperwork, according to my attorney, my ex-husband responded he would not fight the psychologist’s recommendation if I would agree to give him over 2/3 of the money (instead of the 50-50 set by state law)… I agreed. Essentially, I bought my children… I paid for their safety and a life of peace. I’ve never regretted that choice… It was the best deal I ever made.
After the divorce, I wasn’t looking for anyone – I wasn’t interested in a relationship. When I met Bruce, though, there was an instant connection, and we were married 10 months later. However, because we were 1000 miles apart, there had not been much opportunity for my kids to get to know him very well. They had met him and knew who he was, but they didn’t really know him… not yet.
I so badly wanted things to work for our new family so I started researching and reading everything I could find on step-parenting and blended families. Everything I read said it would take at least 2 years for our family to develop our new roles and relationships within our new family… and that was if things went well.
Bruce, on the other hand, had watched his own daughter struggle for years in a step-family relationship. He had his own concept of how he wanted to do this and (as far as I know) never read a single thing about step-families. He knew exactly what to do, and he did it consistently. Within 6 months, our family was a solid unit with my kids referring to Bruce as their Dad… In other words – he was amazing!
When I moved to Michigan to marry Bruce, my youngest daughter was the only one to come with me. My oldest had already graduated college and was living on her own. My second was away at college. My son was in the middle of his senior year, already 18 and did not want to move… To say my youngest daughter was angry about the whole situation would be an understatement.
The night we arrived in Michigan, Bruce was so excited we were there and greeted the two of us with smiles and hugs. My daughter pushed him aside, went straight to her new room, shut the door and remained there. I apologized to Bruce, but he only smiled and gave the same response I would hear for the next few months, “There is nothing to apologize for… she is angry. I can understand that, and my shoulders are big enough to take it.”
Much later I would learn he had left her a note on her bed that night saying just about the same thing. He told her that he was not trying to replace anyone or be her Dad. He only wanted her to know that he was here and he would always be here… for her… no matter what.
When she tells this story, she will tell you that she tore that note up immediately. She will also tell you that she put his words to the test… I will confirm that she did. She tried everything to make him not like her… much less love her. But he was true to his word… he never wavered, no matter what she tried. The amazing part? Within 6 months, on our first Father’s Day together, she baked him cookies and for the first time, called him her Dad.
That was who this man was… a big, gentle giant of a man with a heart that would not quit. Over the short time we were together, he built positive relationships with each of my kids. With my oldest (who was already a young adult), it was a peaceful, friendly relationship. I remember on one visit she introduced us to her neighbor as her mom and dad. The neighbor said, “Wow, you look just like your dad.” She didn’t try to correct him or explain. Instead, she and Bruce just smiled like Cheshire cats and hugged each other tight.
My second daughter and Bruce, were tight from the very first time they met, which was actually before we married. She had picked him up at the airport for me and driven him the 2 hours to our town. During that drive, she told him that she was glad to see her mom so happy, and she really liked him. Then, she went on to tell him that if he ever broke my heart or hurt me, she would “open a can of ‘whoop-a$$’ on him.” He used to laugh when he told that story because she isn’t much taller than me and just as petite. He absolutely loved her fire and energy for life, and they were best buds from that day forward.
When her son was born, he also instantly bonded with his “Poppa.” They would play or “hang out” watching football for hours. Bruce loved him with abandon and in his eyes, that boy could do no wrong. To this day, my grandson still talks about his Poppa and tells me that Poppa is his guardian angel. The bond between those two is so strong, it knows no bounds and seems to transcend this life.
My son was actually with me on the cruise when Bruce and I met. He was the world’s best chaperone on that trip. At one point when he saw Bruce holding my hand, he commented, “A little cheeky, don’t you think?” Cheeky?? What 17 year old says “cheeky?” (It took everything in me not to laugh out loud.)
Within a short time though, my son let his guard down and stopped trying to “protect” his mom. Soon after, he and Bruce had built a solid relationship. This relationship was such a blessing for my son. For the first time, he had the experience of a healthy, male role model and friend… a man to show him “how to be a man”… a man to show him “how to treat a lady”… all things I could never do.
From the beginning, Bruce was willing to do whatever was needed to move our family forward… anything from teaching teenagers to drive and helping with homework to offering unconditional love and acceptance as they tried to figure out how they each fit into this world. It was an amazing experience! How could a woman not love a man who loves her children so completely?
And what did we give to Bruce in return? A family… a BIG family… and all the love and craziness that comes with that. : )
That was my husband… That was the man who became my children’s father… That was the man we lost… and grieve… and still miss. So as another Father’s Day comes and goes, I will tell you what I have told Bruce every year…
“Thank you, Babe, for being a Dad to my kids… being a Dad is so much more than biology… It is a life-long commitment. Thank you for stepping into their lives and showing them what a healthy man and a healthy marriage looks like. Thank you for loving us all unconditionally – no judgement, no preconceived expectations – nothing but love. You were the missing piece in our family. In our short time together you taught us so much and brought healing where we did not think it was possible. You forever changed our lives. I have told you every day and I will say it again, ‘You are my hero and I will love you forever!'”
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