Tag: holiday struggle

Peace, Love and Grief… Learning to Love the Holidays

If there were something that I believe many of us dealing with loss have in common this time of year, it would be the struggle as we learn to love the holidays again. Of course, that makes the assumption that we loved the holidays before we started on this journey. If not, then I guess that holidays hold other challenges. For me, though, I loved the holidays before… Now, it is a constant struggle… learning to love them again.

Each year, I feel like I do a little bit better. While there are challenges and even days when I seem to back track, most days I am moving forward… even if it is just a little bit. The first few years were the worst! In fact, the first year I ignored the holidays all together… I just couldn’t do it. The next year, I managed to participate a little bit… Then, each year has found me doing just a little bit more.

In fact, sometimes it is hard to remember the pain I felt that first year… sometimes. However, last week at our office holiday party, I was reminded just how hard that first year is…

For me, I was looking forward to this year’s party. First of all, I love the people I work with… They are like family to me. They have been by my side since Bruce died and have seen me through many tough days. To that, add the fact that two of my adult children work in the same office with me, and you can see I have a grand mix of work family and real family. The idea that we were all going to be at this party together was something I was looking so forward to…

However, that would not have been the case a few short years ago, and I was reminded of that fact almost immediately. As we walked in, there was food and drinks, friends and hugs, music and laughter… lots and lots of laughter. As I sat and talked, I looked around the room people watching – enjoying the atmosphere and the spirit of fun and friendships.

Then, I saw someone whom I really never expected to be there. It was one of our managers… One of the kindest men I know. Earlier this year (not so long ago really), he lost his wife. It’s his story to tell – not mine – but it was a shock to all of us. Knowing how I felt that first year and remembering how I avoided absolutely everything that had to do with the holidays, I really didn’t expect to see him there… But he was.

As he smiled and greeted each person, the pain in his eyes was heartbreaking… Honestly, I don’t know that many people would have noticed, but coming from a similar scenario of loss, my heart broke. Yet, I knew why he was there… It was for his employees – not himself. Something most of us can relate to, I am sure.

How many times have you done something or gone somewhere because it meant a lot to the people around you, not because it was anything you really wanted to do? Many times, I would guess… We all have.

In fact, it is that very behavior that has slowly (over time) helped me to learn to love the holidays again…

That first year, I ran away. The next year, I went to my daughter’s home, but I didn’t really participate. The next year, I remember actually singing Christmas carols once again. Each year, I have pushed myself to do a little bit more – to participate a little bit more – not because I necessarily wanted to, but because I knew how much it meant to the people around me.

Then, over time… a lot of time, I can honestly say that I am finally learning to truly love the holidays again. Last year and this year, I have loved the holidays – something I never thought I would do again.

Maybe you are where I am. Maybe you are even further down that path. However, if you are new to this journey or still struggling with the holidays, that’s okay. Be kind to yourself… I can honestly tell you that you should only do what you feel like you can handle – no more… and don’t feel guilty about it. This is a hard time of year. So, take it one day at a time, and know that it’s absolutely okay to take care of yourself.

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How do you handle the holidays? Do you find yourself doing those things you want to do or what others expect? Do you struggle to take of your own needs? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

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Peace, Love and Grief… Twas the week before Christmas

Here we are – the week before Christmas… life is crazy and busy. On the one hand, I love it! I love the parades, the performances, the singing, even a certain amount of the hustle and bustle. I love the lights, the music and (of course) the food. I love visits from friends and family and shopping for the “perfect” gifts. This has been the first year in a very long time I have been so immersed in the Christmas season and all that goes with it.

At the same time, there are days when I feel a bit lost… Sometimes as I stop to catch my breath, I find there is not a lot of “peace on earth” to be found. I struggle to find time for any of the things that help me keep my world balanced, such as time for reflection or meditation.

Not so long ago (just four short years ago), I was completely at the other end of this experience. For the first time ever, I was alone for the holidays. There was no tree or shopping or music to ring in the holiday. In fact, there was probably too much quiet in my life. I found myself sitting on the sidelines watching the all the craziness… Half of me wishing I was still a part of the chaos, and yet at the same time, the other half was relieved I wasn’t.

Too Busy
Everyone is so busy.
No one has time to talk to a woman alone…
A woman lost.
In a season of celebration, a season of love, things have turned around…
They are out of balance.
For it has become a season of things…
Things to get, things to buy, things to decorate, things to do.
But people, the ones alone, the ones that little Babe came to love,
They are forgotten, pushed aside
Because
Everyone is too busy to take a moment to care.
~ Linda, December 2013

That first year, the year I tried to ignore Christmas was hard. The holiday was everywhere I turned. I knew I wasn’t ready to participate, but I still needed someone to remember I existed. Don’t misunderstand, my family and my friends were wonderful. I was the one struggling… But even I didn’t know what I needed, so how could they?

Navigating the holidays was one of the hardest parts of this journey for me… And still is. Each year, however, I have participated a little bit more than the year before. That has been good, but it still isn’t easy… I still have many moments of feeling lost and alone with the world racing past me.

This year, with a child in the house again, I have found the season can easily take on a life of its own. Maintaining a balance between “holiday peace” and “holiday fun” has been one of my struggles this year. Each day, I try to start with my normal meditation and gratitude list… And each day, I quickly find my mind shifting in a thousand directions to all the things I “need to do” in the days before Christmas.

I refer to this as my Monkey Mind… It is that constant back and forth battle in our minds that can be a bit frustrating. You know what I mean? It is that “voice in your head” that will wake you up in the middle of the night with a list of things you must get done and absolutely cannot forget. (Aaaargh!) Maybe it is really a “Mother’s Mind,” but I’m sure you know what I mean.

My other struggle has been the guilt associated with knowledge… The knowledge of what people struggling with loss experience during this season. The knowledge that there is someone out there tonight hurting and alone. I know that gut-wrenching pain. I know what it feels like to collapse in the middle of a room and cry until there are no more tears left to cry. It is a horrible feeling.

There is also the knowledge that Bruce is not here – not last year, not this year… never again. It has been 4 years since we celebrated Christmas together, and when I allow myself the time to really think about that and all it encompasses, I hurt all over again.

So now what?

Yes, it is the week before Christmas. Yes, it is a time of love, laughter and celebration. And yes, for many of us, it is also a time of memories and tears…

With that in mind, my prayer for all of us this week before Christmas…

“May we each take the time to love, laugh and celebrate… May we also slow down long enough to see those around us who may be hurting… And may we reach out and simply hold a hand, give a hug, or listen to a memory…

Let each of us become a divine reality for someone else by simply being the love and acceptance each of us is seeking from the world around us.”

If you are struggling with celebrating the holidays after your loss, please let us all be there for you. If you have any ideas that have helped you through the holidays, please share them here for others. This is our community… Let’s reach out and be the compassion we each seek.

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This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.