Tag: focus on the positive

Peace, Love and Grief… Makin’ It Through the Holidays

“I miss you” … I think this has been my mantra for the past couple of weeks. Don’t misunderstand – I have smiled and laughed. I have enjoyed my time with my kids. I have loved cooking and decorating and shopping and playing Christmas music… I have loved all of it… But… I miss him…

With every dish I cook, I think about whether or not it was one he liked, and how many times we debated whether or not the sweet potato casserole with brown sugar and pecans on top counted as a vegetable (me) or a dessert (him). We never agreed but laughed every time!

With every ornament, I am reminded of our first Christmas together when he pulled out his one box of decorations… and I pulled out 18 boxes. Our tiny little condo was over-stuffed with Christmas. I thought he wouldn’t like it, but instead he grinned from ear to ear and said it truly felt like Christmas for the first time in a very long time.

With every shopping trip, I find myself looking for him and thinking about the gifts we gave each other over the years. There were years when we gave each other “traveling adventures” to new places… And other years when we were content to just have the gift of being together.

And… With every Christmas song played… I either laugh and sing because he loved the music as much as I did (or he pretended to) … or I cry, because each song seems to remind me of him and of some precious memory together.

And to be honest… all of this reminds me that another year has passed… He is still gone… And once again, I am spending another Christmas without him…

So, what do I do? … Well, for the last few days, I have cried… a lot. I seem to wake up crying. Then, I cry in the shower. I cry as I drive to and from work. And I cry when I crawl into bed at night.

I know it seems ridiculous… Emotionally, I have really come so far (or so I thought). But everywhere I look, I see and experience things that I want to share with Bruce… But he isn’t here… And so, I am reminded over and over again that he is gone… and I am alone.

To add to all this, there have been several conversations around me lately that have caught me a little off guard. There was one conversation amongst my friends, where they were discussing what they would do if their spouse died. Would they remarry? Would they date? How would they live their lives? Each of them with a firm opinion.

Now, first of all, this conversation was not about me in any way. It started as a conversation about someone else’s loss. But they went on and on for (what felt like) quite a while, talking about what they would do… or not do. I listened but didn’t add anything.

What could I say? None of them knew me when I was married to Bruce so many years ago, and they were completely oblivious to the fact that I had (and was still) dealing with this exact scenario.

Truthfully, I wasn’t offended, and I did contemplate saying something… I wanted to tell them that no one has any idea how they will respond to the loss of a spouse until it actually happens to them. However, I didn’t… for a few reasons.

First, it would have fallen on deaf ears. After all, most of us are pretty sure we know how we would respond to someone else’s circumstances. It is normal, and as many times as we learn the lesson that this is wrong, we all still seem to do it.

Second, it would have created a very awkward, sudden stop to the conversation. I experienced a lot of this during the first few years after Bruce died. I couldn’t seem to control my mouth and would throw my two cents worth into these conversations. I’ll just say that I found it does some damage… It creates a wall, and just isn’t worth it, not in my book anyway….

And finally… Who am I to judge or correct? After all, before Bruce died, I thought many of the same things they were saying.

So, I sat and half-listened… I felt a little bit rude, but I couldn’t fully engage, because I was struggling to control my emotions… They wanted to say what they thought, and I needed to control what I knew.

There have been several of these types of conversations lately, and I could go on and on explaining each one. But why? They all carry a similar theme – people contemplating how they would live their life as a widow(er) – a topic which they really know nothing about… So, what do I do?

Well there are two sides to this… One is the quick – let it go… Which I have learned to do a lot of over the years. After all, contemplating what you would do in a situation you have never encountered is just human nature. What do I know? I only know what I have done, not what anyone else might do.

“Learn to be okay with people not knowing your side of the story.
You have nothing to prove to anyone.”
~ Unknown

And the other part of the answer came this week in the form of a 10-year-old boy – my grandson…

As we were driving home earlier this week, he was telling me about his day at school and all the 4th grade “news of the day.” At one point, it dawned on me… He had originally said it was a great day, but in his tales, he was really focusing on a lot of negatives.

At one point, he even said, “Do you know what really bugs me? It’s when someone…” And he went on in great detail about what bugs him.

“Did that happen to you today?” I asked. “Did someone do that to you?”

“No,” he said, “but I hate it when it does happen.”

“Well, baby,” I said, “It sounds like you are looking for things to be upset about. Everything you have shared is negative… It sounds like you are focusing on the wrong things.”

Then it dawned on me… So am I… For the past few weeks, consciously or not, I have been focusing on all sad things – all the things I am doing without Bruce.

Last year, I was so happy to be alive… I missed Bruce, but I was so happy to be with my family and to be healthy again, that was my focus. But this year I have somehow fallen into the old trap of focusing on what is missing and what was… not on all the blessing and what is. While I would like to deny it, I have looked for things to be offended about in conversations, rather than chalking it up to human nature and not knowing any better… and then letting it go.

Now what? well… I am resolved to take my own advice. My goal is to look for the blessings and to see the joy in each day… Yes, Bruce is gone, and it’s okay to grieve that. But I am still here… surrounded by family and friends who love me… Maybe it’s a good thing that they just see me as me (not as the perpetual widow), and they love me and support me just for being me…
I am blessed beyond words, and this is a season of joy… and that is to be my focus going forward this season.

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How do you handle the holidays? Do you find memories around every corner? Do you struggle to focus on the positives around you, too? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Finding the Good

I don’t think a single week has gone by in the past six years where Bruce has not been on my mind. Life has moved on, but my heart still aches for him… I miss him! I can’t help it, and I can’t stop it. I’ve moved past the depression and seemingly, unending sadness of grief, but I still miss him.

I miss so many things about him… about us. I miss the way he held me in his arms. I miss snuggling on the couch as we watched TV. I miss sitting together on the beach and the thrill of riding beside him on the boat. I miss traveling to new places together as much as dancing barefoot in our own kitchen.

If I look at all the things I miss, I think it all boils down to missing our friendship… The way we knew each other inside and out… The subtle glances which spoke a thousand words or the touch which communicated more than words ever could. There was a connection between us that (I believe) is rare… At least for me… I’ve never had a connection with anyone that ran so deep.

He was a man of few words and his actions always spoke louder than any words. Because of that, he never said anything he didn’t mean. Which meant he wasn’t one for throwing out compliments just to fill space. When he gave one, there was no doubt he meant it.

Knowing that, the kind words he gave me filled my heart. He never hesitated to tell me when he was proud of something I had achieved or when he thought I looked particularly pretty. Don’t get me wrong… He always made me feel loved and appreciated. It’s just that when he said something… when he took the time to point it out, I knew it was extra special.

As you might imagine, over the past six years, I have grown accustomed to not hearing those things… Not on a constant basis, anyway. But this week, I came to realize how wrong I am…

My little cube at work is near the front of the building, near one of two entryways. This means a good portion of the office walks past my desk each day. And since I am one of the first ones there, I get to say good morning to almost all of them. (I love it!)

One morning this week, a co-worker came in and stopped by my desk for a moment. Then, with tears in her eyes, she completely humbled me as she gave me the biggest compliment… She began to share how my life (and the way I live it) had affected hers in a positive way.

I’m not telling you this to brag… I think she sees me as way better than I really am. Instead, I tell you this because after she walked away, I began to think… At first, I thought about how rare it is that we tell each other such things. So often in today’s world we look for the negative… I see it on social media and in real life – in restaurants, in stores, pretty much anywhere.

If someone has a different opinion, religion, sexual preference, etc… The back lash and “offended” people come out of the woodwork. People say things to each other or post things which they would never say face to face.

I have many friends from all walks of life, and I love and respect them all. I love the fact that knowing and learning to understand other lifestyles and points of view has changed my own. I love how my world has expanded because of my friends and their vast differences.

So, it saddens me when I see the negativity some people are willing to throw out there. Yet, when something like this is written or said about that negativity, one’s own behavior never seems to register as a problem… It just seems to be a blind spot.

That’s when I realized my own blind spot… No, I don’t believe I throw a lot of negativity out there… At least, I try really hard not to. What I’m talking about is my own inability to see and hear the good… the positive… It’s out there! I know it is… I know a lot of people who make a conscious effort to put it out there daily.

I also, began to think about how kind and loving my friends and family truly are. I have been so caught up in the fact that Bruce is no longer the one to give me those positives that I think I have missed a lot… I know there is a lot of give and take with the compliments and kudos with my family and friends. Yet, over the years, I have somehow convinced myself that there was a difference between their positives and Bruce’s. I would say it was it was hard to explain; then never fully accept the positive love coming my way.

Why? I wish I knew… Maybe it was the grief… Maybe it was my own self-pity… Whatever it was, if I am honest, I must admit that the only difference was in how I chose to accept it… That was it…

It simply boils down to how I chose to view it and accept it… In other words, I miss Bruce. There is no doubt I will always love and miss him. But… that doesn’t mean I need to close my heart to the love that is offered to me daily by those around me. Why would I? … Why have I? I don’t know… But I do know this… I am the one who can choose to look at the positives being offered rather than the negatives…

Bruce and I loved each other… That was a blessing beyond any dream I could ever have. The only way I know to say “thank you” or repay that blessing is to put that same love out there… So, my goal this week is to find the good, hold onto it for a moment as it warms my heart… Then, send it back out into the world for someone else. Because when all is said and done, that is the best way I know to live this life…

What about you? Do you ever struggle with focusing on the positive or finding the good? Do you purposely find the good or do you have to work to focus on it? This journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. We are NOT alone. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.
This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… What to Focus On

Do you ever have one of those weeks where everything seems to go wrong? Well, for me, this was one of those weeks. The whole week has felt like an uphill battle…

It started on Monday with a dentist appointment that seemed destined not to happen. It has been rescheduled multiple times (by them, not me). The Thursday prior, they had called to remind me. (Thank goodness!) During that conversation, I thanked her because I had mixed up the dates in my head due to all the reschedules. However, my calendar confirmed she was right, and all was well. Therefore, you can imagine my shock when I walked in for my noon appointment, and the receptionist said, “You don’t have an appointment today.”

There was a part of me that almost believed her. Instead, I reminded her that she had called me to remind me. “Are you sure,” she asked. “I don’t think you are one of our patients. Maybe you’re supposed to be at our other office.”

“I am one of your patients,” I responded. “You cleaned my teeth in July, inspected a crown in December and have rescheduled this appointment several times over the last few months.”

“I don’t think so,” she replied. At this point, even I was beginning to doubt myself. So, I pulled out the card they gave me along with my phone and read out the number that had called me on Thursday. “Oh, that’s us,” was all she said.

At this point, the office manager got involved. There was some more “you-must-be-mistaken” conversation, before she finally shrugged and said, “Just reschedule her again.”

To say I was frustrated at both the situation and their lack of customer service would be an understatement! But the appointment was rescheduled for Wednesday, only two days away… And what a disaster that turned out to be.

In the middle of the cleaning, the hygienist left to take a call. As I lay there waiting for over 20 minutes, I was worried on her behalf for whatever emergency would pull her away. However, when she returned, I learned it was not an emergency… Just bad service. Then to top it all off, when the dentist came in, he was so enamored with himself, I couldn’t get a word in edgewise to discuss my concerns about my teeth. The whole appointment was a train wreck!

And that was just the beginning of the week… There were frustrations at work – nothing big really… Just one thing behind the next and no time to catch my breath. I began to feel like Charlie Brown when Lucy convinces him to kick the football while she pulls it away… over and over and over. Do you know what I mean?

Then there was yesterday… I went to have my taxes done. First, my taxes are simply. I don’t need to itemize, and they always use the short form. Even with all the medical expenses this past year, there was still no need to itemize.

However, the woman doing my taxes messed them up repeatedly. First, I owed over $2000. Then I was getting back $115. Then I owed $285. It was crazy! She kept asking the other representative for help, sending me home, calling me to come back, and sending me home again. The craziest part – as I write this my taxes still aren’t done, and the lack of competence and professionalism has left me dumbfounded!

After all the negativity and craziness this week, I decided I needed some time at the beach… Some “me time” in the place where Bruce and I spent so much time. For years, the beach has been that place for me. It is the place I seek out when the world becomes more than I can handle. It is the place where I can relax… and breathe… and let the beach and tides work their magic…

I sat there watching the rhythm of the waves as the tide worked its way out, and the magic started… I began to realize I can focus on all the crap that has happened this week, (and there was certainly a lot of that), or I can find those moments where someone or something made me smile…

For example, on the way to the beach I stopped to get a sandwich to take to the beach. I almost didn’t stop because the manager is usually a grump, and I didn’t need more of that. But today, he was all smiles – laughing and joking with me the whole time. Before I left, I thanked him for making me smile. However, I don’t think he realized what a huge difference it made for me – Just a smile… Just a kind word… But it really turned my heart around.

And at work… My boss was more than understanding about the multiple dental appointments and allowed me to work from home in order to make it all work. I also received a gift from a coworker. I always use the quote “Not my circus, not my monkeys” as a reminder to stay out of stuff that isn’t our business. Well, my coworker made me a cup with my name on one side and a twist to the quote on the other, “Looks like that is my circus and these are my monkeys after all.” It makes me laugh every time I use it!

Then, there are the many hugs and kind words from my grandson, my daughter, and my son this week. I even managed some great phone conversations with my other two daughters and my sister – all wonderful, fabulous additions to my week!

But one of the best things that happened this week only happens once or twice a year. Sometimes it is a dream about Bruce, sometimes it is subtle symbols, and other times it happens like this… I was home alone and just waking up from a nap. As I lay there with my eyes still closed, I felt something touch my hand. Then, there was a warmth that spread, and it felt like something was holding my hand. I wasn’t scared, but I didn’t dare move… I didn’t want the moment to end, because I knew… Every now and then I am blessed… I knew it was Bruce… And I would swear I could feel him hug me close. It didn’t last long – probably less than a minute or two, but I relished every moment.

I know most people will think I am nuts and not believe a bit of this… And there are those who will feel compassionate and swear it must have been a dream… And there will be a (very) few who will believe me. Honestly, it doesn’t matter… Whatever it was, it was beautiful! And in those moments, all the love and honesty and friendship we shared came flooding back… And I smiled because we loved each other once… and that hasn’t changed.

As I remembered that moment, I realized that this week I could focus on all the negative. However, I believe I was blessed with a lot of positives too, especially this one… and that is what I will choose to focus on as this week comes to a close.

What about you? Do you ever struggle with focusing on the positive? Do you have a place where you can go to find your center and remember all the blessings in your life? This journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. We are not alone. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. * Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.