I don’t think a single week has gone by in the past six years where Bruce has not been on my mind. Life has moved on, but my heart still aches for him… I miss him! I can’t help it, and I can’t stop it. I’ve moved past the depression and seemingly, unending sadness of grief, but I still miss him.
I miss so many things about him… about us. I miss the way he held me in his arms. I miss snuggling on the couch as we watched TV. I miss sitting together on the beach and the thrill of riding beside him on the boat. I miss traveling to new places together as much as dancing barefoot in our own kitchen.
If I look at all the things I miss, I think it all boils down to missing our friendship… The way we knew each other inside and out… The subtle glances which spoke a thousand words or the touch which communicated more than words ever could. There was a connection between us that (I believe) is rare… At least for me… I’ve never had a connection with anyone that ran so deep.
He was a man of few words and his actions always spoke louder than any words. Because of that, he never said anything he didn’t mean. Which meant he wasn’t one for throwing out compliments just to fill space. When he gave one, there was no doubt he meant it.
Knowing that, the kind words he gave me filled my heart. He never hesitated to tell me when he was proud of something I had achieved or when he thought I looked particularly pretty. Don’t get me wrong… He always made me feel loved and appreciated. It’s just that when he said something… when he took the time to point it out, I knew it was extra special.
As you might imagine, over the past six years, I have grown accustomed to not hearing those things… Not on a constant basis, anyway. But this week, I came to realize how wrong I am…
My little cube at work is near the front of the building, near one of two entryways. This means a good portion of the office walks past my desk each day. And since I am one of the first ones there, I get to say good morning to almost all of them. (I love it!)
One morning this week, a co-worker came in and stopped by my desk for a moment. Then, with tears in her eyes, she completely humbled me as she gave me the biggest compliment… She began to share how my life (and the way I live it) had affected hers in a positive way.
I’m not telling you this to brag… I think she sees me as way better than I really am. Instead, I tell you this because after she walked away, I began to think… At first, I thought about how rare it is that we tell each other such things. So often in today’s world we look for the negative… I see it on social media and in real life – in restaurants, in stores, pretty much anywhere.
If someone has a different opinion, religion, sexual preference, etc… The back lash and “offended” people come out of the woodwork. People say things to each other or post things which they would never say face to face.
I have many friends from all walks of life, and I love and respect them all. I love the fact that knowing and learning to understand other lifestyles and points of view has changed my own. I love how my world has expanded because of my friends and their vast differences.
So, it saddens me when I see the negativity some people are willing to throw out there. Yet, when something like this is written or said about that negativity, one’s own behavior never seems to register as a problem… It just seems to be a blind spot.
That’s when I realized my own blind spot… No, I don’t believe I throw a lot of negativity out there… At least, I try really hard not to. What I’m talking about is my own inability to see and hear the good… the positive… It’s out there! I know it is… I know a lot of people who make a conscious effort to put it out there daily.
I also, began to think about how kind and loving my friends and family truly are. I have been so caught up in the fact that Bruce is no longer the one to give me those positives that I think I have missed a lot… I know there is a lot of give and take with the compliments and kudos with my family and friends. Yet, over the years, I have somehow convinced myself that there was a difference between their positives and Bruce’s. I would say it was it was hard to explain; then never fully accept the positive love coming my way.
Why? I wish I knew… Maybe it was the grief… Maybe it was my own self-pity… Whatever it was, if I am honest, I must admit that the only difference was in how I chose to accept it… That was it…
It simply boils down to how I chose to view it and accept it… In other words, I miss Bruce. There is no doubt I will always love and miss him. But… that doesn’t mean I need to close my heart to the love that is offered to me daily by those around me. Why would I? … Why have I? I don’t know… But I do know this… I am the one who can choose to look at the positives being offered rather than the negatives…
Bruce and I loved each other… That was a blessing beyond any dream I could ever have. The only way I know to say “thank you” or repay that blessing is to put that same love out there… So, my goal this week is to find the good, hold onto it for a moment as it warms my heart… Then, send it back out into the world for someone else. Because when all is said and done, that is the best way I know to live this life…
What about you? Do you ever struggle with focusing on the positive or finding the good? Do you purposely find the good or do you have to work to focus on it? This journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. We are NOT alone. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *
Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.
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