Tag: fear

Peace, Love, and Grief – Letting Go

Fall… I love this time of year. Granted, in Florida, there aren’t the huge seasonal changes as in other places, but still… there are enough changes for us to notice. I love the cool (for Florida) nights and the cooler temps during the days. We don’t get a lot of color changes here… Okay, there are none at all in the trees, but the flowers that bloom are different than the ones blooming a few short weeks ago. (I guess, it’s all in what you choose to see.)

This year, fall has also held some other thoughts for me… Partly in the lessons to be learned by the world around us…

“And so begins the season of letting go,
When Mother Nature shows us all,
How it’s done.
Let go,
Free yourself“
~ From the poem, “The Season of Letting Go” by Donna Ashworth

Over the last several weeks, God, (the Universe, Spirit, whatever you prefer to call it), has been (what feels like) screaming at me to “let it go”. It started last month while on a retreat. We were talking about the different capacities of the mind that can be a link to God based on the divine spark within all people. We each pulled a card with one of these capacities listed on it to form a discussion team… and the one I pulled was… (drumroll, please) … the power of release.

Honestly, at the time, I didn’t think much of it on a personal level. I met with my group. We had a quick discussion about letting go of those things in our lives that are no longer serving us. Maybe these things had served a purpose at some point… maybe not. Either way, release involves letting those things go, so we can move forward in a healthy way. Nice discussion… great lesson… and as far as I was concerned, it was over… Only it wasn’t…

Instead, there have been constant little reminders every single day about letting go… releasing… and moving forward. This past week, it felt like the messages got even louder when in one of my meditations, it simply stated, “There are times when you have to let go.”

Seriously?? Okay… I’m listening… But… Let go of what?? Let go of people who hurt me? (What if that isn’t the answer? What if I can’t?) Let go of my old career expectations? (I’m currently looking to do that.) Let go of my grief for Bruce? (I don’t think I’m ready.) Let go of past traumas? (I’m working on that.) As more time has passed, I have felt more lost and frustrated, but still no answers… Let go of what?? It has been making me crazy!!

Even at Yoga this week, the instructor did something different, and led a yoga meditation for the hour based on… you guessed… letting go. She started with a wonderful poem by Saphire Rose called, “She Let Go”. Before the first line had been read, I was a puddle of tears…

“She let go. Without a thought
or a word, she let go.”
~ Saphire Rose, “She Let Go”

I came home and simply sat… It was obvious by this point that there is something I need to release, but what?… Obviously, I can think of a few things, but if those are to be released, then could someone, please, show me how? … So, I sat, and I pondered… But I got no answers… until this morning.

This morning, I did something I have not done since Bruce died. I sang… in public… at church. What in the world was I thinking??

You see, I have sung my entire life. When Bruce died, though, I simply stopped singing. It wasn’t really a conscious decision like “oh, Bruce died. I’ll never sing again.” Instead, it was more like all the joy in my world was suddenly gone and with it went my music. I have even written about it here a time or two. After a few years, I did finally start singing in the car or when I was alone at home, but only if it was Christmas music, or if I was clowning around with my grandson. In other words, the times were few and far between.

Then, with all the radiation and meds for the cancer years ago, my voice became not much more than a whisper. I went to a physical therapist who helped me recover my talking voice, but she told me without hesitation, that I would never sing again. At the time, I was devastated. Music has always been such a huge part of my identity that I couldn’t imagine having that taken away. At the same time, I continued to do my vocal exercises… and started noticing that she was wrong. My singing voice most certainly has been (slowly) coming back. I like to say my singing voice is like my curly hair, each day it does what it wants, and I just learn to go with it.

Then this week, our music director reached out and said that he heard I could sing and would I be willing to help out this week. I’m not sure what I was thinking, but I said, “Yes.” Immediately, I was nervous, and found myself praying that something would happen, so I wouldn’t have to sing after all… but (of course) nothing happened.

Instead, I found myself warming up in front of the mirror this morning as I got dressed… What in the world had I been thinking when I said yes???

Then, as I sat down in my reading chair for my morning tea and meditation time, I picked up a book to place it back on the shelf, and it fell open to a quote…

“Even in the blackest darkness, there is always light shining somewhere.”
~ Karen White, The Sound of Glass

That is true… There is always some light somewhere… So, then, why do I always feel like I am in the darkness? And suddenly, I knew… I knew without any doubt what it is I need to release…

It is not people or career expectations. It is not my grief for Bruce or any other past traumas… It is not anything that simple, nor is it any one thing or experience… Instead, it is something that lies under all of these things… It is fear. I need to let go of the fear that I let dictate so much of what I do or don’t do.

Unhealthy relationships? I fear rejection. I fear abandonment. I fear being unlovable. I fear not being enough.

Career expectations? I fear not finding another job. I fear losing everything I own (again). I fear no one believing in me or taking a chance on me.

My grief for Bruce? I fear losing my connection to him. I fear losing his family in my life. I fear taking a chance on someone else and going through this pain all over again.

Past traumas? I fear reliving them. I fear forgetting the lessons I learned there. I fear doing the work needed to reprocess and let these go.

That is it! That is my mission. That is the thing I need to release… fear.

So, this morning, nerves and all, I faced my fears… and sang. My son came and sat in the back to offer support, (which is a huge deal, because he is atheist) … but he was there… for me. I did it… and I survived. I’m still here. Nothing happened. The earth didn’t open up and swallow me whole. No one booed me. In fact, it was fine, and people couldn’t have been kinder.

That was my first step. I know there are a lot more still in front of me, but one day at a time… one step at a time… I can learn to trust myself and set a new course. I can learn let go of all those fears and maybe… just maybe… learn to simply live my life as a woman without fear.

“Like a leaf falling from a tree,
She just let go.”
~ Saphire Rose, “She Let Go”
________________________________________________________

Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful, be fearless… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… My Grove

Most of us have heard of the infamous redwood trees of northern California. They are some of the tallest trees in the world. These trees can reach heights of over 350 feet tall. This last week, however, I learned something new (to me) about these amazing trees. While their height is incredible, their root system is actually quite shallow. There is no tap root. In fact, their root system is only six – twelve feet deep, with a typical root only about one inch in diameter.

So, considering their size and lifespan, (these trees can live up to 2000 years), how on earth, (no pun intended), do they manage to stay upright? That seems impossible to me.

But here’s the trick… The root system on these trees spreads outward about 50 – 80 feet, and these trees grow in groves. In other words, their roots end up intermingling with each other, and they literally hold each other up! How amazing! And what a lesson for me!

There have been so many times in my life when things got tough, and I tried to go it alone only to find I couldn’t… I need the support of those around me… Those who love and care for me…In other words, I need my grove to hold me up, too.

When Bruce died, if not for the support of the people around me, I don’t know if I would have found my way out of the depression that accompanied my grief. The crazy thing is not only were they there for me, but I was there for them. What?

Yes… There were many times when I couldn’t figure out why I was still here without Bruce, when someone I love would call or come by because they needed me. Maybe all they needed was a listening hear or a hug, or maybe they actually needed a hand with something… It didn’t matter. What mattered was the fact that I was needed… There was a reason I am still here, and that was important… It helped me as much (if not more) than it helped them.

This latest turn in my path has found me dependent on the people around me once again. Only this time, it has been mostly physical dependence. There are so many things I just can’t do right now due to the restrictions that go along with my treatments. But that’s really not all… This crazy cancer thing has taken a toll on me emotionally, as well.

In fact, this morning I found myself in tears… This Tuesday will be round three of chemo. While it hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be, each round leaves me feeling like I have the flu, plus all the other side effects which seem to switch and change with each dose.

I was trying to explain my dread to someone this week… I’ve had the flu, but only twice in my adult life that I can remember. I remember it was terrible. But since there was a lot of time between bouts, I didn’t remember exactly what it was like when I got sick the second time. Plus, I didn’t know it was coming. But this… I know this is coming, and the memory is fresh… I am barely recovering from one dose when it is time for the next.

To be honest, I am already tired… Just thinking of doing this again (and again…) makes me cry. It probably sounds terrible, but I’m just over it… I don’t want to do this again. I am at a point where I just want to quit… And that is where my tears came from this morning.

I found myself thinking if Bruce were here, he would have a way of making me feel like we could do this… I know him… He would make me feel like he was carrying a part of this burden, as well. Then, I started thinking about why I agreed to do all this crazy treatment in the first place…

It is because I have people who love and care for me… I need them, and they need me. Our roots are as intermingled as those huge redwoods… And this week, as I go through another round of chemical cocktails and the after effects that linger for weeks, they will be here… They can’t do it for me, but I am not alone…

I have a grove to hold me up through this coming storm… And our love for each other is greater than my fear of what is ahead.

What about you? Did you or have you ever struggled with the idea of facing something that feels overwhelming? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

We all know this isn’t easy, but you aren’t alone! We are here… Let us be your grove.

This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Facing the Lion Ahead

Why are you gone?
Why aren’t you here?
The lions are here…
Where are you?
I can’t do this!
I don’t have what it takes!
I don’t!
I’m scared!
The lions are circling,
And I don’t have the strength to fight them…
Not again… It’s too much…
Help me, Babe…
Show me I’m not alone.
~ Linda, February 2015

Does it ever hit you as strange the things life seems to throw our way? Do you ever think “what in the world?” or “why?” … I know, I do.

When Bruce died I questioned everything in life… I wanted to know why, and I questioned whether God really loved me at all. I even questioned my own ability to keep going… It felt so impossible at the time. In the last five years, while there hasn’t really been any answers, there has been a lot of healing as I have learned to come to terms with the changes life throw my way.

These last 2 weeks, however, have found me struggling with news that (once again) I’m not real sure how to handle… Two weeks ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

It is my lion ahead…

At first, I chose to only share the news with our families and a few close friends. I didn’t want to tell anyone… I just life to be normal. I could barely wrap my brain around the whole thing… much less talk about it.

In last week’s blog, I could only bring myself to share my fear about handling this without Bruce by my side, but I still couldn’t name it… I even debated whether I wanted to share the whole truth here or not.

However, this past week, as I have struggled with the reality of this whole thing (and all it encompasses), I knew I needed to share this here… with you. I’m know I’m not the first widow to deal with cancer without my spouse by my side. And since it is now a part of my experience as a widow, I need to be honest about it and share it openly. This is not something I would ever wish on anyone. But if you ever find yourself here… I hope you never feel alone.

I think that is my biggest struggle… I’m already scare, but doing this without Bruce makes it even scarier… I would give anything to feel his arms around me… To hear him tell me it’s going to be okay – We’ve got this… “We”… That’s part I need…

Don’t misunderstand… Our families have been beyond supportive – both Bruce’s and mine. I know I am not really alone. I know everyone is willing to help me any way they can.

But, it’s the emotional part… It’s the part where I feel like I’m going to fall apart at any moment. It’s the part where the tears are always right behind my eyelids. It’s the part where I need to just collapse and let someone else handle it for a while… Because I don’t think I can.

This week, despite being given very good odds, I have found myself spiraling down the rabbit hole of anxiety and depression. I have done a lot of reading that says this is normal. They say it is actually a type of grief… Grief for the life you thought was yours, but now will involve all kinds of surgery and treatments… And even if everything goes well, there will be a life-long chance of recurrence. For someone who is never sick… (Shoot, I don’t even feel sick now!)… this just doesn’t feel real.

I think it’s that “C” word… It’s just a scary word… It creates so many negative thoughts and scenarios in my head… And I don’t know how to stop thinking about it. I don’t really have the luxury to not think about it. I have constant appointments with all different doctors, and each one tells me something different… Each one proposes new ideas requiring different decisions… It’s all so overwhelming…

I wish I could end this on a positive note today… I wish I could say, “No big deal; no worries. I’ve got this!” But this week… today… I don’t feel like “I’ve got this”… Instead, I feel like this has got me, and I’m not a fan.

I’m not questioning the “why me” this time, but I sure don’t know why God chose to have me do this without Bruce… That part is still hard… But for whatever reason, here I am… and cancer is the lion ahead… The lion I have to face alone.

Would you be as lost as me
if our roles were changed?
Because I’m lost…
I keep looking for you wherever I go…
~ Linda, January 2018

Sometimes when we feel like we are finally figuring this thing out, life throws something else our way. Learning to live with our grief and deal with these ever-changing circumstances can be overwhelming. I know each of us reacts differently and each of us will do it in our own way and in our own time. Today’s blog is simply my newest experience, and how I am trying to make some sense of this and move forward. Maybe this feels familiar… If so, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Fear

What scares you? I guess what I’m really asking is – what is your greatest fear?

When I was a little girl, I was terrified of bears. (Okay, I still am to be honest.) I grew up with woods on two sides of our yard, and a path through those woods which led to my grandparents’ home. The fairy tales we read as children came alive in my mind each time we entered those woods… sometimes that was fun and other times it was terrifying. By the time I was four, the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears brought on nightmares for days! I just knew one day I would be eaten by a bear in those woods, and no one could convince me otherwise.

As I got older, different fears came and went… There were the “fun” fears brought on by horror movies and haunted houses, as well as the fears which accompanied insecurities, such as adolescence or being a first-time mother. I remember as a teenager, hearing an acronym for fear – false evidence appearing real. At the time, it seemed like a nice idea – a good way to talk yourself out of being afraid…

But, what if your fear turns out to be real?

I remember when Bruce and I were married, my biggest fear was the idea that we wouldn’t have a “forever” together. I didn’t whine about it… I simply believed it. I didn’t believe I would be “allowed” to be that happy for very long. What I knew was throughout my adult life, I had found if I felt happy, it never lasted for long. I couldn’t explain it… It just was.

For example, I had known the thrill of being pregnant for the first time, only to lose that child in childbirth. I had known beautiful, deep friendships, which ended abruptly because we never stayed in one place for very long. I knew the relief of leaving a violent relationship, only to be stalked and threatened for years. I knew the security of “enough money” only to have it all embezzled by a “friend.”

I’m not ridiculous… I know a lot of this is just life… I realize I made choices which impacted each of these situations. However, I couldn’t shake the feeling that that God himself didn’t feel I deserved happiness… Which brought on my biggest fear… My fear of losing Bruce.

I knew without a doubt, I was too happy… I had never known happiness like I knew with Bruce. I couldn’t imagine a life without him. As time passed, I just knew something was going to happen…

I would tell Bruce I was scared. I told him I knew God would never allow me to be this happy for very long. In response, he would just chuckle or shake his head, pull me close and kiss me or simply hold me tight… But, even he could not take away my fear.

I remember one evening about a month before he passed away, I asked Bruce a question I had asked many times. I asked if he thought we would ever really sail the Caribbean like we always dreamed of doing. When I had asked before, he had always laughed and said, “Of course! Nothing’s changed. That’s still the plan.” But on this particular night, he responded, “I don’t know if I’ll live that long.” Immediately, I told him that wasn’t funny… Losing him was my biggest fear, and I couldn’t stand to even joke about it… Then, he winked at me and laughed.

A month later, my biggest fear became my reality… Bruce lay beside me dying and despite doing everything I knew to do… I lost him… Just like that, he was gone, and I hadn’t been able to stop it. My worst nightmare had come true… We would never have a “forever.”

I was very angry for a long time… Angry at God… Angry at myself… Just angry… And I didn’t know what to do with it. This wasn’t “false evidence appearing real” … This was real…

While I still have my days, the anger hasn’t lasted… In fact, as time has passed, I am reminded daily that at least for a little while, we were happy…

Bruce meant more to me than I could ever explain… He taught me how to love and how to live… He made me laugh and held me when I cried… He was my whole world, and at the same time, respected who I am as an individual.

Because of all of this, I know I don’t need to fear anything… For as long as I remember who we were, he will always be a part of who I am…

Everyone fears something. Sometimes we don’t even know what it is until we experience it. Maybe grief has been that way for others, as well. Learning to navigate through the fear of grief is different for everyone… But remembering and honoring those we lost can sometimes help us overcome that fear… Learning we are stronger than we thought takes time. Yet, time is the very thing we need to navigate this journey. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Some “Firsts” Can Be Good

I remember when Bruce first passed away… There were a lot of “firsts” I had to work my way through., such as the first Valentine’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, anniversary and birthdays (his and mine). There was also the first time traveling alone, eating out alone and buying a car alone… Not to mention learning to repair appliances, changing the smoke alarm batteries (which involves a very tall ladder), car maintenance, and taking care of the yard.

After a while, I felt I must have hit all the “firsts.” After all, how many “firsts” can there possibly be? A lot, evidently… Because as time has passed, I find myself still encountering a new one every now and then… Such as this weekend.

I must say, these “firsts” were more on the positive side than the ones at the beginning. Or maybe I am finally able to find the silver lining that makes them feel more positive…

Over the years, I have been to many Jimmy Buffet concerts… And most of those with Bruce. We went to see him every year – tailgating in full Parrothead style with fins, coconuts bras, grass skirts, shrimp, and (of course) our own tikibar with “frozen concoctions.” It was something we looked forward to all year and was always too much fun!

When Bruce passed, I just assumed my Parrothead concert days were over. But this weekend proved that to be wrong…

A few months ago, when the Jimmy Buffet 2017 concert dates for Florida were announced, my daughter bought 3 tickets – one for her, my grandson and me. I must admit I had a few mixed feelings about going – feeling both anxious and excited…

What if I couldn’t bring myself to go? What if I did go, but I missed Bruce too much to have fun? And worst of all, what if I ruined it for my daughter and grandson?

On the other hand, my own kids were introduced to their first Buffet concerts around seven and eight, so it just seemed right to introduce my grandson to this family tradition. He already loves Jimmy Buffet and can sing along to most of his songs… I knew I wanted to do this, and I knew Bruce would love knowing his little Boudreaux is a Parrothead, too.

As this weekend got closer, my daughter and I discussed how we wanted to do this… How to introduce him to the Parrothead culture without exposing him to the parts that are not exactly child-friendly. So… instead of tailgating, we opted for dinner at Margaritaville. And instead of coconuts bras and grass skirts, we opted for Jimmy Buffet T-shirts, leis and Parrothead hats (or a Sharkhead in Michael’s case).

We had assumed he would most likely fall asleep about halfway through the show, but he proved us wrong… Instead, he danced and sang his way through with the rest of us, until the last song, when he curled up in his Mommy’s arms and fell sound asleep.

I couldn’t have asked for better! I was back in that Parrothead world. I was able to share it with people I love. Granted, there were a few tears for Bruce in the middle of “One Particular Harbor” and “Son of a Son of a Sailor,” but that’s okay… I’m allowed those moments. However, all in all, there were enough differences to help me enjoy creating new traditions, and enough similarities to feel Bruce’s presence right beside me…

It was perfect!… That was a new (dare I say it) positive “first.”

Then, we have today – Mother’s Day. In the years since Bruce died, I have usually spent this day alone. Don’t get me wrong – It’s been fine. My kids always remember me with cards, flowers, phone calls and Skype. They do remind me I am loved and appreciated… They are absolutely wonderful, and I love them for all of that.

But this year, circumstances have changed… This year I have 2 more people living in my house… This year I am not alone… And today has been great!

My kids who live far away have reached out to me – we have talked by phone or Skype… These conversations absolutely mean the world to me. I have, also, had the pleasure of sharing today’s celebration with my daughter and grandson.

We started by sleeping in. (Of course, in seven year old terms, that is 8 AM… But in his defense, in GG terms, 8 AM is late, so all is good.) Then, he had snuggles for all of us… a picnic and time to chill at the beach… And to top it off, he (the youngest “grill-master”) is planning to grill pork chops for us for dinner – “Cause y’all deserve it,” he so sweetly says.

And, once again, another perfectly, positive first…

For me, that’s kind of cool – realizing that there is still a lot of life to live… and enjoy…

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way. Have you ever found yourself wondering when all these “firsts” will ever end? Have you reached that point where the “firsts” don’t all need to be dreaded or feared? If so, would you be willing to share your experience, there may be someone else out there who needs to hear it. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… The Common Denominator

I have been writing this blog now for 69 weeks. I have shared my stories of loss, lessons I am learning, thoughts, feelings, emotions, things I’m proud of and things I’m not… all of it. I have shared my struggles over the loss of a child, my divorce and the loss of that relationship, and investing and losing all of my money at one point… But mostly, I write about the loss of my soulmate, Bruce.

Why have I shared stories about all of those situations instead of just sticking with my grief from losing Bruce? Because Peace, Love and Grief was established as a support for those dealing with loss… any type of loss… And most of us have dealt with some type of loss in our lives. On this site, that is our common ground… our connection point.

There is also a common denominator within all loss… any loss… and that common factor is fear. Fear of the future, fear of what this loss will mean,fear of how our lives will change. Just like an earthquake – there is the initial quake which brings the biggest blow and the most damage. Then there are the after shocks – the smaller rumblings that bring about more damage and more pain.

One of those aftershocks, the fear of what the future will hold can quickly become completely debilitating.

I can remember the day I lost my baby boy. I went into labor too early, and he was born stillborn. I was in such shock… In addition to the absolute pain of losing this precious child, the fear of how this woud affect my life and those around me was tremendous. I remember being scared that I might never hold a child of my own. Or that my family and spouse would not be able to love me still because I “had failed” in some way which cost us all this precious, little life.

I remember going through my divorce. Divorc, aka – the death of that relationship, is hard. But it was what lay ahead that left me absolutely terrified. I had no idea how I would provide for my children… my job at that time did not pay enough for one person, let alone five. I had no idea where we would live or if I had the strength to make it on my own. I was so terrified of the “what if’s,” I barely ate or slept. I was firmly in the grip of fear with no idea how to get onto solid ground.

I will always remember the day I learned my money had been invested in a ponzi scheme, and I had lost everything. Once again I found myself reeling from the shock of such a blow and terrified of the ramifications that would follow. There were days when I had to choose between paying the electric bill or putting food on the table. I knew eventually we would lose our home, which was scary enough. But my biggest fear was how to keep my family together… I knew I could handle losing any thing but not my kids. Once again I found myself caught in the grip of fear, terrifed of the “what if’s” that played out in my head.

When Bruce died, the fear seemed to grip me immediately… There were so many areas of our life together that were “his” and now would be “mine.” How could I even walk through the doors of this house and not find him waiting inside?… How could I pack away his things?… Or celebrate a holiday? Or travel?… But my biggest “what if” was – How would I ever manage life without him by my side?

As time has passed, I have had many opportunities to stand beside others going through loss… I see the fear in their eyes and listen to the “what if’s” that are driving that fear. I cry for them, and I cry with them. The truth is when we go through a loss we are in shock… Our world is turned upside down, and we have to find our bearings. But then the aftershock effects of the first loss hit and there is more pain and more fear.

I used to say it felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. Then, each time I felt I was almost back on my feet, the rug would get pulled out again.

The fear is real… the aftershocks are real… there are domino effects to loss. We can’t predict them. Instead, we learn to hold on tight and face each one as it comes.

But we as we tiptoe our way through this minefield, we need to remember a few things…

Research shows that only 8% of what we worry about ever comes to fruition. Therefore, those “What if’s” are a huge waste of energy and are not helpful at all.

Where there is fear, love and joy cannot exist… But love and joy are vital. These are the very things that make life worthwhile.

Finally, as I said last week, whatever path we are on, someone else has gone before us. Therefore, we don’t have to do it alone…

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with fear after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

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