Tag: dread

Peace, Love and Grief… My Grove

Most of us have heard of the infamous redwood trees of northern California. They are some of the tallest trees in the world. These trees can reach heights of over 350 feet tall. This last week, however, I learned something new (to me) about these amazing trees. While their height is incredible, their root system is actually quite shallow. There is no tap root. In fact, their root system is only six – twelve feet deep, with a typical root only about one inch in diameter.

So, considering their size and lifespan, (these trees can live up to 2000 years), how on earth, (no pun intended), do they manage to stay upright? That seems impossible to me.

But here’s the trick… The root system on these trees spreads outward about 50 – 80 feet, and these trees grow in groves. In other words, their roots end up intermingling with each other, and they literally hold each other up! How amazing! And what a lesson for me!

There have been so many times in my life when things got tough, and I tried to go it alone only to find I couldn’t… I need the support of those around me… Those who love and care for me…In other words, I need my grove to hold me up, too.

When Bruce died, if not for the support of the people around me, I don’t know if I would have found my way out of the depression that accompanied my grief. The crazy thing is not only were they there for me, but I was there for them. What?

Yes… There were many times when I couldn’t figure out why I was still here without Bruce, when someone I love would call or come by because they needed me. Maybe all they needed was a listening hear or a hug, or maybe they actually needed a hand with something… It didn’t matter. What mattered was the fact that I was needed… There was a reason I am still here, and that was important… It helped me as much (if not more) than it helped them.

This latest turn in my path has found me dependent on the people around me once again. Only this time, it has been mostly physical dependence. There are so many things I just can’t do right now due to the restrictions that go along with my treatments. But that’s really not all… This crazy cancer thing has taken a toll on me emotionally, as well.

In fact, this morning I found myself in tears… This Tuesday will be round three of chemo. While it hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be, each round leaves me feeling like I have the flu, plus all the other side effects which seem to switch and change with each dose.

I was trying to explain my dread to someone this week… I’ve had the flu, but only twice in my adult life that I can remember. I remember it was terrible. But since there was a lot of time between bouts, I didn’t remember exactly what it was like when I got sick the second time. Plus, I didn’t know it was coming. But this… I know this is coming, and the memory is fresh… I am barely recovering from one dose when it is time for the next.

To be honest, I am already tired… Just thinking of doing this again (and again…) makes me cry. It probably sounds terrible, but I’m just over it… I don’t want to do this again. I am at a point where I just want to quit… And that is where my tears came from this morning.

I found myself thinking if Bruce were here, he would have a way of making me feel like we could do this… I know him… He would make me feel like he was carrying a part of this burden, as well. Then, I started thinking about why I agreed to do all this crazy treatment in the first place…

It is because I have people who love and care for me… I need them, and they need me. Our roots are as intermingled as those huge redwoods… And this week, as I go through another round of chemical cocktails and the after effects that linger for weeks, they will be here… They can’t do it for me, but I am not alone…

I have a grove to hold me up through this coming storm… And our love for each other is greater than my fear of what is ahead.

What about you? Did you or have you ever struggled with the idea of facing something that feels overwhelming? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

We all know this isn’t easy, but you aren’t alone! We are here… Let us be your grove.

This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

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Peace, Love and Grief… Don’t look too far down the road

Alone
Alone… Is this a test?
I think I am failing.
I want to move past the sadness.
I want to find the blessings.
But every time I come back to
Being alone…
~ Linda, October 1, 2013

I have put off writing this week until the last minute (or what feels like the last minute). It’s not that I don’t know what to say… It’s that I have so much to say and I’m not sure how to say it in a way that makes sense.

This month starts a series of major days and holidays… all in a row – one on top of the next. It starts with Halloween, then moves to our anniversary, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, New Years and the anniversary of Bruce’s death.

Anyone who has grieved deeply knows how hard the holidays and big events can be when you find yourself alone… no longer able to share those days with the person you have shared your life with for so long. The next few months will be an emotional roller coaster as I go from one event to the next… all without Bruce… for the third time. (Yes, I am still counting.)

The first year I ignored as many of these as possible. It hurt too much to imagine celebrating anything without Bruce. So, I hid and let the world do its thing while I pretended not to notice. You might be surprised but it was actually pretty easy to do. The world starts getting very busy this time of year… Most people don’t really notice when you choose to disappear from the craziness. I’m not sure if that is a good or a bad thing, but it sure helped that first year.

Last year, (my second year alone) I wanted to try to join the world… at least with my kids and my grandson. So, I joined them for as many of these days as possible and spent the rest with friends. The problem for me was the timing of everything… As soon as I got past one event, I had to mentally prepare for the next… There wasn’t a chance to heal or even breathe in between.

It was a relief to be a part of everything and not be alone. However, when it was all done, I was emotionally drained. I later listened to a recording taken at the end of that time period, and I didn’t even sound coherent. I was a mess, but I had done it! I had survived!

Thankfully, time is a kind friend, and this year has brought more healing and a stronger me. At least I thought I was stronger… until this week…
This year as Halloween approaches and the holiday commercials start to air on TV, I am faced once again with an overwhelming relay of events. All week I have had that inner dialogue going… I’m sure you know what I mean…

In my self-development seminars or when coaching individuals, I discuss that inner dialogue… That angel and devil thing we laugh at in cartoons. Why do we laugh? Because we have all experienced it at one time or another. For most of us, though, it isn’t necessarily a temptation thing – a good or evil thing.

Usually it presents itself as one “voice” that sounds more like, “Why bother?” “What’s the point?” “You’ll never be able to do that.” In other words, it is self-defeating. It is based on our fears, negative emotions, and low energy. It is not based in reality. It does not build resilience nor does it move us forward. In fact, it is happiest if we stay where we are or even take a few steps back.

Then, there is the other, kinder “voice.” It is encouraging. It is not based on our fears but on our passions, goals and facts. It is healthy and nurturing. Its purpose is to build resilience and help us move forward… To encourage us to live life – even if it is just one small step at a time.

This week the dialogue battling within me has been one of dreading the upcoming months, while realizing that all I really need to do is take life one day at a time – no more. It is when I try looking too far down the road that I become intimidated and question my ability to make it through.

I remember right after Bruce died… The idea of spending the rest of my life without him – alone – seemed very intimidating. Most days I didn’t even want to try… that road ahead looked never ending. It took me a while to tune out that self-defeating voice and start listening to that kinder, gentler voice that encouraged me to take one small step and then another.

In my family, the women seem live quite a long time so I figure I have another 50+/- years to go… without him. That is a long time. It can be quite daunting when I dwell on it too long. I am learning not to look that far down the road. I am learning to just breathe and take it one day at a time.

I am learning…

That is what I have been telling myself this week. I am still learning. It’s okay if I have a hard day or stumble a little. But I can’t let myself dwell on the upcoming months and everything they entail… That will be too much. It will overwhelm me. It will feel too hard, and I will spiral down.

Other than only taking one small step at a time, I’m not sure yet how I am going to do it. However, I do know, for me, that will be the only way to do this.

Walk through your fears..
~ Linda, October 15, 2013

Because this is our community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.