Peace, Love, and Grief – Where Would I Be?

Has anyone ever asked you, or do you ever ask yourself, “Where would I be if __________ were still here?” I do… Quite often actually… And over time that answer has evolved.

In the beginning, all I could think about was how Bruce’s death should never have happened. We weren’t that old. We had a whole future together laid out before us, and because I couldn’t picture a future without him, I couldn’t move forward… I was stuck.

Then, I spent years contemplating how Bruce had brought so much healing to our little family, but now it was gone. At least for me, it felt like all the progress I had made with my emotional and mental health, (after 20+ years of chaos and abuse in my prior marriage), was lost. I wanted to regain that healing, but I didn’t quite know to start.

So… I started trying to figure out the essence and soul of this man who had changed my life. I started reading the books he read – books by such people as the Dali Lama and Deepak Chopra. I started listening to the speakers he listened to, such as Wayne Dyer and Rob Bell. Then, I started to analyze how he took those lessons and applied them to his own faith.

I thought about how he often told me that he was a Christian, but not in the same way I was. At the time he said it, I didn’t get it. After all, “Christian is Christian”, right? Wrong! Suddenly, things were starting to click.

For him, it was never about “checking all the boxes” Christian culture has put into place. Instead, Bruce believed in acting out his faith, his own way – day by day, moment by moment with a little thing called love… unconditional love. He didn’t believe in the kind of faith that presents theology as some kind of race with very few winners. Instead, he lived a faith that was about love for everyone. With his faith, love wins every time… and consequently, so do we all.

These were the ideas that truly started my healing on this journey.

Then, a couple of years ago, I started asking myself where would I be if he hadn’t died that night? … And that question drove me even deeper… He died because of heart issues. His heart was twice the size it should have been. He must have felt badly for quite a while. So… what if he had never been sick at all? How would that have changed our trajectory?

The answer to that carries so many “what ifs” and so many ways things could have been… could have been…

I could make myself crazy asking those “what if” questions. However, the bottom line is he was sick, and he did die… And now it is up to me to pick up the pieces and keep moving forward. Hence, these last several months, I have been asking myself, “If he hadn’t died, would I have worked so hard to heal emotionally or would I have continued to lean on him for that?”

It’s a valid question, I believe. I, also, think I am asking myself that because I already know the answer. I think I would have always leaned on him for my healing… But that wasn’t his issue to carry; it was mine. He was trying to show me how to do that, but until I absolutely had to, I wasn’t going to get very far.

I hate to say there was anything good in something so traumatic and devasting as his death. Yet, I must admit, I don’t know if I would have worked so hard if he were still here. I don’t know if I would have done even half of the things I have done to work on me.

Instead, I must honestly say that, with his life, Bruce exemplified how to love – even those people who are hard to love. He showed me how to love while setting healthy boundaries, which isn’t easy. Then, in his death, I learned how to take all of that, dig deeper, work harder, and make some much needed, healthy changes in my own life and how I interact with the rest of the world.

Where would I be if Bruce didn’t die? I have no idea. That isn’t the hand life dealt me. However, I can say that because Bruce was in my life, I am learning to be a better person… a better me… And that is something I will never want to be any different.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you. Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… The Common Denominator

I have been writing this blog now for 69 weeks. I have shared my stories of loss, lessons I am learning, thoughts, feelings, emotions, things I’m proud of and things I’m not… all of it. I have shared my struggles over the loss of a child, my divorce and the loss of that relationship, and investing and losing all of my money at one point… But mostly, I write about the loss of my soulmate, Bruce.

Why have I shared stories about all of those situations instead of just sticking with my grief from losing Bruce? Because Peace, Love and Grief was established as a support for those dealing with loss… any type of loss… And most of us have dealt with some type of loss in our lives. On this site, that is our common ground… our connection point.

There is also a common denominator within all loss… any loss… and that common factor is fear. Fear of the future, fear of what this loss will mean,fear of how our lives will change. Just like an earthquake – there is the initial quake which brings the biggest blow and the most damage. Then there are the after shocks – the smaller rumblings that bring about more damage and more pain.

One of those aftershocks, the fear of what the future will hold can quickly become completely debilitating.

I can remember the day I lost my baby boy. I went into labor too early, and he was born stillborn. I was in such shock… In addition to the absolute pain of losing this precious child, the fear of how this woud affect my life and those around me was tremendous. I remember being scared that I might never hold a child of my own. Or that my family and spouse would not be able to love me still because I “had failed” in some way which cost us all this precious, little life.

I remember going through my divorce. Divorc, aka – the death of that relationship, is hard. But it was what lay ahead that left me absolutely terrified. I had no idea how I would provide for my children… my job at that time did not pay enough for one person, let alone five. I had no idea where we would live or if I had the strength to make it on my own. I was so terrified of the “what if’s,” I barely ate or slept. I was firmly in the grip of fear with no idea how to get onto solid ground.

I will always remember the day I learned my money had been invested in a ponzi scheme, and I had lost everything. Once again I found myself reeling from the shock of such a blow and terrified of the ramifications that would follow. There were days when I had to choose between paying the electric bill or putting food on the table. I knew eventually we would lose our home, which was scary enough. But my biggest fear was how to keep my family together… I knew I could handle losing any thing but not my kids. Once again I found myself caught in the grip of fear, terrifed of the “what if’s” that played out in my head.

When Bruce died, the fear seemed to grip me immediately… There were so many areas of our life together that were “his” and now would be “mine.” How could I even walk through the doors of this house and not find him waiting inside?… How could I pack away his things?… Or celebrate a holiday? Or travel?… But my biggest “what if” was – How would I ever manage life without him by my side?

As time has passed, I have had many opportunities to stand beside others going through loss… I see the fear in their eyes and listen to the “what if’s” that are driving that fear. I cry for them, and I cry with them. The truth is when we go through a loss we are in shock… Our world is turned upside down, and we have to find our bearings. But then the aftershock effects of the first loss hit and there is more pain and more fear.

I used to say it felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. Then, each time I felt I was almost back on my feet, the rug would get pulled out again.

The fear is real… the aftershocks are real… there are domino effects to loss. We can’t predict them. Instead, we learn to hold on tight and face each one as it comes.

But we as we tiptoe our way through this minefield, we need to remember a few things…

Research shows that only 8% of what we worry about ever comes to fruition. Therefore, those “What if’s” are a huge waste of energy and are not helpful at all.

Where there is fear, love and joy cannot exist… But love and joy are vital. These are the very things that make life worthwhile.

Finally, as I said last week, whatever path we are on, someone else has gone before us. Therefore, we don’t have to do it alone…

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with fear after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.